Thoughts...lack of gratitude or am I being unreasonable?

[SweetLily]

Hi ladies,

So my dad lives with me, and my 15 year old sister comes twice a year for 2 or 3 weeks (sometimes a month or two). She is never very helpful, but usually will do something if I ask her to.

This visit has been a nightmare. Dad and I have been sick with really bad pneumonia, hubby and I have had serious work deadlines and stress etc. For 2 weeks I have been cooking meals for her and buying her groceries. I asked her once a week ago to help my son clean the kitchen and she went to bed and fell asleep. I asked her again last night, cause she had not lifted a finger during her entire stay, and she told me she was allergic to dish soap! I offered gloves, and she told me she doesn't clean other peoples messes, and she didn't make the mess in the kitchen.

Excuse me? I go out--sick with a fever for 2 weeks straight--to buy her food, haul it home, cook it and clean it, but she doesn't conribute to the mess???

When someone uses the bathroom, be it shower, toilet or sink, it builds up and gets dirty, does it not?

When you EAT lunch and dinner that someone has graciously purchased for you and prepared for you, is it not appropriate to be grateful and to try to help out, especially when that person is not only under financial strain but terribly ill with serious pneumonia?

My hubby and I are livid. My dad sees no problem and is furious with me and thinks that i am the one being unreasonable. so much so he's said he is moving out. t's not like I asked her to clean the whole house, I asked her to help do the after dinner dishes ONE NIGHT!

When she outright refused and went down to my dads room, I went to discuss it with them. She had said "just a sec, I'm going to charge my phone" and never came back--so 10 minutes later I went to his room. I asked her why she wouldn't do it to which she said the things posted earlier, and I finally (after years of this bs getting worse and worse) told her that if she wasn't going to contribute and get in that kitchen to help clean it, she would have to leave and would not be allowed to return. I again asked her if she would please go help my son out--at which point she informed me she doesn't clean other peoples messes, and she didn't make that mess. I then told them that my decision stood, she needs to go home and may not ever return until she is grown up and has learned some manners.

I feel really mean, but this has gotten worse and worse with each visit! Am I off my rocker and unreasonable? Have I lost touch with reality?

I am so mad about it, and so hurt that my dad, whom I retired 3 years ago, paid a salary to, taken on several trips to mexico and generally taken care of in his older years--has taken her side and is mad at ME and is telling ME that I am the unreasonable one.

Should I get over it and apologize to her, or is this really as unreasonable as I feel it is? My dad's attitude has made me question everything I believe--I almost feel like I am in the wrong now, yet this is how I have raised my 4 children--even my 6 year old empties the dishwasher!

Please share your thoughts and opinions, I feel so upset and stressed. thanks for reading the novel!

[nuthinbutpink]

In my experience, the baby is always the baby and your parents treat them as such in some situations. She needs to go.

[Junie]

You did nothing wrong- although I would have expected her to help more from the beginning. In your position what I would do is say that she is your sister, you love her, and you love having her stay. I would say that you wished you had done things differently in the past but that you hoped to do things differently starting now and that means her being an active member of the family when she comes to visit. I would give her a list of chores that are hers to do on a daily/weekly basis. Ask her if she feels capable of being an active participant in your family life? If she says no then unfortunately she can't stay and maybe she can come visit again when she feels capable of pitching in.

Regarding your father it sounds like he is oblivious to what is going on. Of course you are in the right, how silly to think otherwise. If he wants to take your sister's side there is nothing you can do about it but know he is really only hurting her as this type of behavior is annoying in a 15 year old but absolutely awful in an adult. It is always sad when parents don't see that coddling their children too much can lead to awful entitled adults

[SweetLily]

Appreciate your thoughts ladies.

I told her she had to help and gave her the choice--help or leave--and she said she wasn't going to help.

Im glad to know I'm not losing my mind and that this IS totally unacceptable. My dad is so unreasonable...

[Prepsina2014]

You are really not being unreasonable.
It is really hard for you that your dad does not see it.
Sorry for such a short post... Have to get back to my DS

[Junie]

Your dad is an adult and should know better. I'm sorry. I think it is good that you are holding your ground!

[hopper]

No you are definitely not being unreasonable! She should have been helping out every day, she comes to visit but if she stays that long sometimes she can't really be considered a house guest and around my house everyone pitches in! I can completely empathise about your father, my mother and I argue over her treatment of my only sibling, my younger sister. My mother INSISTS on babying her, she does EVERYTHING for her and makes excuses constantly like "oh you can't expect her to do that, she never has before" yeah, cause you haven't MADE her. To me, that is not necessarily my sister's fault so much as its my mother's fault. If my mother didn't keep treating her like a child she would act more like an adult!

[Francine]

Ditto to nuthinbutpink. I'd top it off with it's your house and your rules (which are pretty reasonable)