If you have or grew up in a "large" family....

[atomic sagebrush]

I was an only child until I was 11 and I HATED it and still do. With such a small family (not meant to be offensive to moms with 1-2 kids, this is just what was true for ME) I felt like my parents were simultaneously way too focused in on me and everything I was doing all the time, yet at the same time they were not focused on the family, so it was a weird combination of them going off and having their own lives and spending very little time with me or helping me and taking me places a kid had no business being (like scary movies, restaurants where there was nothing for me to eat, really long hikes when I was really small and then everyone would get angry when I got tired and didn't want to walk any more, and cocktail parties where I was either the only kid or else expected to babysit all the little kids). Yet at the same time, they were breathing down my neck constantly about every little thing I did and said and expecting me to excel at everything to fulfill their every dream that they had regarding offspring (as in, my dad expected (expects) me to be an excellent athlete, straight A student, have a spectacular career, and be highly attractive to men; my mom expected me to be a cheerleader (like she was), straight A student, have a job while going to high school, be in the student government, and be very popular with my peer. All of this without any help or work on their part. And they never shut up about it. My dad STILL to this day laments the fact that I am not 6 feet tall - like I had any control over that one . That is a lot of pressure to put on one (or two) kids. I really, truly believe that a larger family is such a good thing because, if nothing else, it divides the parental attention and expectations from one/two kids to several and it limits the time a parent can spend worrying over the million quirks that every child has.

I have found that this has held true with my older boys as well. When I had just my two older boys, I never had to be "all in" as a mom...so I was often distracted from things that they really needed me to be doing (and you can see I still struggle with this by the number of posts I have on this website, haha) and our lives were NOT really set up to be child-centered, yet at the same time they were the center of my entire existence aND I felt like I had to be constantly correcting, monitoring, and basically criticizing everything they did and said "wrong" and this is also true for my husband, if not even more so. Since there were just the two of them, I was also extremely overprotective of them and shielded them from things that they would really have benefited from, esp. my oldest son, so they can't always handle stuff that they really should be able to handle and they don't handle things as well as they should - they tend to wait around and expect me to do things for them that they should be able do on their own easily. Plus my second son is kind of a hypochondriac and I know that's in part because I was always dwelling on his every sniffle .

Now with the two little boys, thankfully I've learned a lot from my mistakes with the first two, plus I just have less time to worry over stuff because they're closer in age (and my third son is a maniac and DEMANDS constant attention haha), so I feel like I'm doing a better job prioritizing what I need to be doing as a mom, and what I should leave alone. I feel like the best case scenario is when you're "all in" as a parent in terms of things like reading to them, loving them, providing their basic needs (as an only child, my parents didn't even have things like kid-friendly foods and I had hardly any clothes and toys, because their whole universe was structured around meeting THEIR desires as adults and I just had to fit into that) playing with them outside and taking them to the park (cheap fun) and supporting them when they really and truly need it, which you HAVE to be when you have several kids because otherwise they drive you nuts . But at the same time you're too busy to worry over things that you shouldn't be worrying over, like whether they're "weird" or if they're good at everything, and also you're more inclined to let them figure things out on their own whenever they can, so they have more freedom to be themselves and learn the skills to function as effective adults later on.

Trying to sum up what seems rather meandering...with a bigger family you have to arrange your lives to be kid-friendly and child-centered, yet at the same time you don't have the time/energy to worry over anything that doesn't require your attention so the kids don't have to live with unreasonable expectations, overprotection, and they learn to find their own way in the world. So to me it is the best of both worlds for a kid to grow up in.

Plus, now as an adult, I have no one to share memories with or to turn to in times of trouble. My siblings are just too young to even relate to. Also, to echo what Lillian said, the entire burden of parental care falls onto the shoulders of one or two kids and it SUCKS. My husband is one of a PP and his dad is terminally ill and his mom is going blind and can barely walk, and it is just so much work for one or two people to handle. His sister luckily lives next door to them, but DH has to do all their house repairs and the expectation is that one of my sons will move in with them at some point - and I don't WANT my son to have to give up his college years to take care of elderly relatives. But there is no one else.

Moving on to another topic, I have never loved the two-kid dynamic anyway, esp with two boys, because I think they get too focused in on each other and it leads to competition and ferocious sibling rivalry. My older sons did not get along well at all (hence their icons in my siggy) altho they are getting along better just lately now that they're grown up. This actually did not help my GD any the second time around, although DS 3 and 4 seem to get along a lot better, I think because they're closer in age. I wanted ANY combination other than two boys!!! o.O But I DO think that several of the same gender is actually very freeing for kids in a lot of ways. Rather than having to be "the boy" or "the girl" in the family, a kid can define themselves in terms of who they really want to be, so "the artist" or "the bookworm" or "the athlete" or "the nerd" and personally I think that is a lot more awesome than feeling like you have to aspire to be either "Pink Polly Princess" or "John Wayne Schwarzenegger" to fulfill some stereotypical gender role.

[Mochagirl]

Really interesting perspective, atomic. I do often look at my friend who has only one son and think how different his life is from my kids'. Yes, they have more money to travel, etc., but he's sooooooo sheltered from everything and expects his mom to be his playmate every minute - he's never learned how to entertain himself. She's afraid to let him grow up because she's getting a divorce, is 41 and not likely to have any other kids - so he still drinks milk from a bottle at bedtime and uses a soother on occasion. Did I mention he's 6??

I imagine that as he grows up he's either going to expect the world to bend backwards for him the way she always has, or he's going to rebel and become a problem child. He's an extreme case - I know lots of only children grow up well-adjusted. I agree, though, that kids in families with lots of kids have no choice but to learn how to learn their own way in the world to a certain extent, and I think that's a good thing.

[pinga]

I grew up as the youngest of 4 kids (BGBG) and my DH is the middle of 5 kids (4 boys 1 girl). I loved being part of a big family and am still close to them. My sis lives in the same country as me but my brothers are back at home. We skype lots. We're are probably even closer since we lost my parents. I would say that being brought up in a loving family. We always did things together and we always spent time as a whole family. My oldest brother and sister are adopted and I am just as close to them too.
DH family is really close too. All the siblings get on really well and often the 'boys' all get together to go to the footy.

I have always wanted a big family as I loved it so much growing up. I'm PG with #3 and I think it will have to be our last, probably due to financial reasons... but I'll never say never

[love being a mummy]

so he still drinks milk from a bottle at bedtime and uses a soother on occasion. Did I mention he's 6??

omg wow ! Each to their own but 6 is way to old for a bottle JMO

I have noticed with my friends who only have 1 child or have large gaps their children tend to take longer to grow up, the parent "babies" them alot more.

A friend of mine with only 1 child still pushes her 5 year old in a pram but if she had of had another child that child would be walking and the baby would be in the pram.

I grew up in a family of 3, I am the only girl. It's hard for all 3 kids to get along and play nicely but if 2 play together then 1 is always left out.

I have 5 kids and they go through stages of who is their playmate, no one is left out and they always have someone to play with. I often feel sorry for my son cause he doesn't have a brother he is not really into all the games the girls want to play but he makes an effort and they play cars and things with him.

The bad things about lots of kids for me, is personal space they don't have their own room and also washing. Bath time is hectic and so is the morning rush for school but with planning and routine it gets easier and also as they grow up they can do things for them self.

[Princess of Pink]

I was an only child until I was 10 and I hated it with a passion and swore I would have a large family! My mother wanted me to have no more than 1 or 2 kids and was very vocal about the fact, even mentioning that abortion was an option when I told her about #3! She told me last week that she took back everything she ever said...that she couldn't have been more wrong...that my 5 daughters are the best thing I have ever done and I made the right choice despite all her pressure.

I adore having my gang and wouldn't have it any other way although it may be exhausting on days and I long for quiet...the love that fills this house is amazing. They fight and argue and are so noisy but OMG they just adore each other and are so very close, they won't even sleep alone for just one night.

I wouldn't change a thing about it. It is worth all the money, time, effort and exhaustion!!

[auroara78]

I am the youngest of 4 growing up (Girl, girl, boy, girl) and sometimes it felt like only my brother and I because my two sisters are 12 and 10 years older than me. I was the "last chance" baby they had, and my brother of course had wanted me to be a boy! I am still very close to my brother. He is awesome, although there is 7 years between us. By the time I was 12, my sisters were both off to college and I only saw them on the holidays, which were very fun!! We used to all get together to play monopoly after thanksgiving or just card games. I loved when everyone was together, it was more fun, and less lonely, I love having people around me!

I always knew I wanted a big family, currently I have two kids and know I am not done. My husband currently says 3 is our max, and so we are swaying for a DD, but I think in a few years, who knows? Maybe a fourth. I am partial to four because I am one of four, so I understand if mom just had 3, there wouldn't be me :P But I got to be realistic, and understand our finaical situation....which is if my husband does become a stay at home dad next year, I do think 4 in a few years will be feasible, it will cheper keeping him home than keeping him working, but we'll see how it goes. I'm still only 33, and by the time we have our next child, hopefully 34. I said I didn't want one after 35, but my mom had me at 37 and i'm fine and so was she, so time will tell.

I definitely do not want to stop at 2 kids. This is very personal, but I think 2 kids being the norm is boring, and I always like to shake things up! On another note, my husband was an only child and HATED it!! I think he wants 3 for that very reason that the kids will have each other. His mom thought we were crazy when we had our second, and only wanted us to have my first son. I cannot even breathe a word to her about if I have tough days with two because she'll just lecture me about how it's my fault that I have more than 1 kid, etc, she's very unsupporitve and pracitcally ignores DS2 when she comes over.

My mom on the other hand is very supportive of me having 3. She understands totally why I want a daughter, mostly because her and I are close. We don't see each other a lot, but we talk 2-3 times a week at least, and she's my backbone. Like yesterday I was just feeling crappy wtih a sinus infection and just down in general, and talking to her brought my spirits up. I want that relationship with a DD one day..maybe I can help brighten her day.

So + sides: I think more kids help each other out, play with one other, and just in general, it's a different kind of feedback than parents, I think having multiple kids can sometimes be eaiser (already my DS1 loves to make baby DS2 laugh and that helps me do what i need to do) I love noise and people around me, needing me, etc.

The only negative I have is money to raise them.

What I would love most of all if when we TTC in Dec if somehow I ended up with twins, boom! 3 and 4 done...but that's just a fun pipe dream!

[love being a mummy]

I cannot even breathe a word to her about if I have tough days with two because she'll just lecture me about how it's my fault that I have more than 1 kid, etc, she's very unsupporitve and pracitcally ignores DS2 when she comes over.

I don't like to tell anyone when I have bad days, or when the kids are really driving me mad lol I feel people will just say well you had all those kids so you deal with it.
It must be hard to see her ignore your DS like that

[auroara78]

Yeah, it is tough, because she does truly love DS1, but her heart "cuts" off and when she does look at DS2, she looks away quickly, fidgets when she has to hold him, and just last week when she visited I asked her to hold DS2 so I could shower, and she said "can't you give him to (DH)?, or put him down?" I just wanted a 10 minute shower, and she hadn't seen him yet the whole night! Really, was 10 minutes too much of her time to spend with him? SHEESH! It's hard because she is local and a pain in the ass and drops in sponteously without calling first, and my mom is about 2 hours away. I wish my own mom was more local.

And yeah, love being a mummy, I even watch what I say around my husband because I don't want him to get second thoughts about having a 3rd. So even if I have a rough day with those two, I try to turn it around and think of one or two good things the kids did so that when he comes home from work instead of venting about what drove me crazy about the kids, I can highlight something positive....so sometimes that is more exhausting, lol, not admitting im having a hard day or just tired and trying to do this song and dance....

most days tho the kids are good, but you know how bad days can just be plain bad....

Do you have support from your Mom or mom-in-law?

[love being a mummy]

Yeah, it is tough, because she does truly love DS1, but her heart "cuts" off and when she does look at DS2, she looks away quickly, fidgets when she has to hold him, and just last week when she visited I asked her to hold DS2 so I could shower, and she said "can't you give him to (DH)?, or put him down?" I just wanted a 10 minute shower, and she hadn't seen him yet the whole night! Really, was 10 minutes too much of her time to spend with him? SHEESH! It's hard because she is local and a pain in the ass and drops in sponteously without calling first, and my mom is about 2 hours away. I wish my own mom was more local.

And yeah, love being a mummy, I even watch what I say around my husband because I don't want him to get second thoughts about having a 3rd. So even if I have a rough day with those two, I try to turn it around and think of one or two good things the kids did so that when he comes home from work instead of venting about what drove me crazy about the kids, I can highlight something positive....so sometimes that is more exhausting, lol, not admitting im having a hard day or just tired and trying to do this song and dance....

most days tho the kids are good, but you know how bad days can just be plain bad....

Do you have support from your Mom or mom-in-law?

My mum and mother in law are both in heaven.
We have no help from anyone

[auroara78]

Sorry to hear that, love being a mummy