Part 4: Due January, February & March 2019

[Throwaway_panther]

Happy to see you post Surrounded, was just thinking about you ♡

I'm writing this post now at nearly 3 in the morning. but I seriously feel like it's over. had vivid, detailed dream of this baby's birth and it being a girl. looked like DD except with ambery brown eyes, dark hair (DD is blonde and blue eyed). they took baby to nursery so I wouldn't find out, then nurses all sensitively asked if I wanted to go see. even in dream I was still tentatively hopeful and as soon as I saw the pink baby sign I just felt so sadly resigned even though DH was like "she looks so much like DD!" and was excited and I started crying. I even thought baby looked so much like a boy at first then saw picture of them "when they'll get older" and saw the resemblance to DD. nurse asked if i was disappointed and if i could fill out PPD survey right then. I even talked to one of my best friends in the dream about how I was so sad even though I wasn't surprised and how "as soon as I saw her I went, 'well yeah, that's maeve, of course she's here.'" and maeve is the girl name I've briefly toyed with if I let myself think of a girl name at all. the dream had lots of people calling her eve (a name I would never choose although it is part of the name maeve!), though to be fair that was my words with friends word before I fell asleep... lol

but the dream ends with me lifting weights like right on leaving the hospital even though I know better because I'm like "well gotta lift to get a boy" even as I'm so sad in the dream feeling like "did I have to have this baby first and boy will come right after?"

so now it's nearly 3 a.m. and I just feel so resigned and disappointed. like don't even know how this baby could be otherwise after that dream. I'm so miserable this pregnancy and regretting keeping it for DD because now I can't really fathom doing all of this again based on how awful this third trimester has been.

[4blue2pink]

TP when i was pregnant with #7 who was my first sway baby (i swayed pink but didnt know gender) i had a vivid birth dream too, in the dream i didnt know the gender and the baby came out a boy.
i was given a scan at 37 weeks and because of that dream i asked to find out gender, i knew i couldnt face being crushed at the birth like i had felt in that dream (which was awful).. well... that baby was (and still is) ALL girl.

dreams play on your fears and desires and right now the sex of this baby is your biggest fear/desire all rolled into one, i promise you it is not a sign of any kind, your brain doesn't subconsciously know the sex of this baby, it isn't trying to "tell" you anything in these dreams it is simply playing out and trying to make sense of what you have been feeling and thinking about recently.

you are still 50/50, you are still team green and as long as you remain team green the sex of this baby is unknown until he/she is physically in your arms so much love to you, i want this for you so so much!!

[Lilyflower]

Commenting on this conversation because I so understand what you are going through, Throwaway-Panther with the feeling and the vivid dream to support it. You commented on one of my threads a while back where I thought I had ruined my sway (I swayed pink) and one of the things we talked about was intuition. Mine has been so strong that I’m having a boy. A while before finding out I was pregnant, I was at a bbq and suddenly had this weird lighting bolt that I was pregnant and it’s a boy. Then about a week later when I took the first positive pregnancy test, I dreamed that night so clearly if the birth and that he came out all wet and squishy with his back to me, and I was so afraid to turn him over and finally did and disappointingly enough saw that he was indeed a boy. It’s so hard to think anything else with an experience like that because it’s SO real. So I totally get where you are coming from.

Like you, I am also team green (due April) because finding out the first time caused me such anguish for my pregnancy, all I wanted this time around was to spare my feelings and live in my fantasy if only for a few more months until the birth - and this will be our last.

Actually when I had the 12 week ultrasound, I immediately noticed the angled nub but posted the photo here hoping so much that someone would tell me “looks like a girl!” But got pretty much all boy guesses which just confirmed what I’ve thought all along. I know I was just under 12 weeks at the time of the ultrasound and it really can still go either way, but it all seems to confirm what I feel I already know. I feel like there’s no hope of it being a girl and no part of me whatsoever sees it ending up that way. I keep having to remind myself that it’s 50:50 until the birth and try not to stress out (tall order!!)

[Eighme]

TP and Surrounded, I'm on the same train with GD. Most days, I'm okay. But some days it just weighs me down. He has a name now, which helps, but I just feel like I'm anxious for him to be here so I can get to know him. I feel like if I could see him, it would be so much better for me. None of my scans have a good picture of his face because his hands are constantly in his face.

My GD is just so up and down. I'm taking comfort in the fact my husband has agreed to a third and somehow or another; high tech or adoption. We will end up with a girl because we can only have three and I just couldn't stand the thought of swaying again and it failing.

Hope everyone else has been well!

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[Throwaway_panther]

I'm so sorry many of us are bit so hard by the GD bug. I know I'm certainly regretting this pregnancy -- who I was in April versus now feels so different. If I had known I would still be so depressed, coupled with such grief and physical pain, I don't know... things might have been different. And nothing I can do about it now.

It's something though I was thinking about -- how excited we are at BFP. And how sour the pregnancy gets down the road with GD...

I went to acupuncture for the first time in awhile yesterday (so the day of that dream) and my acupuncturist literally kept saying "she/her" when referring to the baby and finally stopped and said, "It is a girl, right?" And I just halfheartedly said we don't know. I miss all those boy guesses I was getting before 20 weeks or so -- I don't know what changed in the last two months other than baby's position that makes EVERYONE EVER seem to think this is a girl Even ONE boy guess might take the edge off, if only because it would make me feel maybe there was a chance.

But none. Not a single boy guess. Doesn't matter if DD is with me or if I'm alone. All girl guesses for awhile.

So the timing of all of that has just made me give up officially. Had a breakdown at my midwife's office and am so thankful she's so understanding and has been worried about me. Baby has thankfully gone head down so (hopefully) will stay that way and I can at least try and get my natural birth to hopefully get some bonding hormones/high... and to mitigate my recovery. Since, just like with DD, the only thing getting me going now is to try again. And we're not having 4 kids, not after how DH has been and after I've been feeling.

I have not one single hope that this baby is a boy anymore. And I'm just so sad, because I don't think there's anything else I can do. I have a partner with effed up Ys that science doesn't seem to know what to do about yet. Lucky effing me.

I just want my son. I'll read pitch perfect girl sways with couples smoking and starving and running and get boys, and here I am where all my boys just die. Life is so unfair for some of us...

[Noemi2017]

Tp i still believe u will have your son, dont loose your hope

[Lilyflower]

Me too! Until the day it comes out a girl, there is every chance he could be a boy!

[SurroundedByBoys]

TP, I am right there with you... except I know hes a boy. DH had wanted me to get an abortion because we hadnt wanted more, and I think a small part of me hoped it was a girl and so I decided to move forward with it. Now here I am, and so often I just think of how I DONT want another boy. I dont want to start all over for another boy.

Then comes all the guilt.

Its a horrible cycle... I'm sending you all my blue dust, and hoping you get your DS.

[Mom25boys]

I'm so sorry many of us are bit so hard by the GD bug. I know I'm certainly regretting this pregnancy -- who I was in April versus now feels so different. If I had known I would still be so depressed, coupled with such grief and physical pain, I don't know... things might have been different. And nothing I can do about it now.

It's something though I was thinking about -- how excited we are at BFP. And how sour the pregnancy gets down the road with GD...

I went to acupuncture for the first time in awhile yesterday (so the day of that dream) and my acupuncturist literally kept saying "she/her" when referring to the baby and finally stopped and said, "It is a girl, right?" And I just halfheartedly said we don't know. I miss all those boy guesses I was getting before 20 weeks or so -- I don't know what changed in the last two months other than baby's position that makes EVERYONE EVER seem to think this is a girl Even ONE boy guess might take the edge off, if only because it would make me feel maybe there was a chance.

But none. Not a single boy guess. Doesn't matter if DD is with me or if I'm alone. All girl guesses for awhile.

So the timing of all of that has just made me give up officially. Had a breakdown at my midwife's office and am so thankful she's so understanding and has been worried about me. Baby has thankfully gone head down so (hopefully) will stay that way and I can at least try and get my natural birth to hopefully get some bonding hormones/high... and to mitigate my recovery. Since, just like with DD, the only thing getting me going now is to try again. And we're not having 4 kids, not after how DH has been and after I've been feeling.

I have not one single hope that this baby is a boy anymore. And I'm just so sad, because I don't think there's anything else I can do. I have a partner with effed up Ys that science doesn't seem to know what to do about yet. Lucky effing me.

I just want my son. I'll read pitch perfect girl sways with couples smoking and starving and running and get boys, and here I am where all my boys just die. Life is so unfair for some of us...

Hey! I'm sorry for the pain. I literally would switch in a heartbeat. I have 5 boys and lost hope of a girl. Why don't you find out? Finding out for me changed my pregnancies. I dealt with the GD best I could. Gave them names, prepared for them, bought new clothing and spoke to them like they were here. It was much better than hoping for nothing. Or after a painful birth not being able to hold them because of severe GD.

I'm sure you put thought into not knowing... I'm just saying that it may ease your GD even a teeny tiny bit. Or who knows, maybe surprise you. Hugs.

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[ABC.2606]

TP - I'm sorry you're so down. I don't have the words to make you feel better, but I'm hoping you will soon. I've often thought to myself "I wish I could just talk to her doctor, find out that it's a boy and tell her and make all this GD and anxiety and sadness go away!". Seriously - I'm not kidding, I think that often!! I know we all wish so badly that this will be your little boy. But whatever your feelings are telling you, it's still 50/50 until the day baby is born. And I agree completely with 4blue2pink that your dream is a reflection of your thoughts and anxieties and not a real sign that you're having a girl. Even if you had those dreams with your DD, it wasn't a sign then either and the dreams just happened to be right then. I dream about things that I'm anxious about all the time - it's how our brains work I believe.

Eighme and Surrounded - I'm sorry you guys are struggling with GD too. It sucks. I felt it with both my boys but with DS2 it really crippled me the rest of the pregnancy (and even after he was born as I suspect I had mild PPD - for several reasons). But I don't know what I'd do without that kid - he is the goofiest, most wonderful, and stubborn little man, LOL! You will fall in love with these little boys. It doesn't make the desire for a girl go away - but I know you'll also be so glad you have them.