Am I really selfish?

[lisvna]

I will try to make my story short....
After the birth of my son (with an emergency c section)I said never again a baby! He was born with streptococen b and we didnt know if he would make it. He must stay for at least 10 days in the hospital. Then after a few weeks he was diagnosed as a crybaby and he also had sever reflux. He was hospitalized for two weekd again. He did get medicines for that but it didn't help much. I got a depression because of all those things (and I'm diagnosed with ADHD too).

We always wanted 3 kids but after this experience I didn't want any kids anymore. After a year when everything has settled a little my husband told me he wanted more kids. I started to think about it too and I told him I dont want this nightmare anymore. But then I decided if I can get a girl then I'm willing to do it again but we have to be sure it's a girl. So we decided to do IVF/pgd and spermsort with dr Savvas in South Cyprus. We conceived our son very quickly so we thought we were very fertile.

Our first try went very bad the embryos developed poor and they had sever fragmentation. Savvas thought maybe I had endometriosis but I have no symptoms at all! It was a bfn.

Our second try in April was almost the same story. It was so bad we thougt it would be no transfer. Because i knew my husband wanted more kids and we didnt want our son to be alone and i didn't want to be selfish and i thought maybe i cant get pregant at all i said okay we have one boy in the feezer we put him back. But in the end like a surprise we had 2 hatching blasts xy and 2 blasts xx.

We put 4 embryos back because we didn't mind twins or more. We hoped for at least one girl.....

Im 6 weeks pregnant now And it looks like we have just 1.

I'm soooo scared its a boy and deep down I still don't want a boy. I don't want to go thru that hell again for a boy! That was not the first reason to do the ivf/pgd! I'm so angry at my husband that he didnt remind me why we did the ivf/pgd in the first place im so angry that he tells me I'm selfish. I put back the boys too because I wanted a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. I thought i couldnt get pregnant at all. At that time I wasn't selfish! But now I regret this decision.....is it so bad to be selfish in this kind of decisions? Am I really a bad person? I even think about abortion even that I dont know what the gender is. And I'm shocked with my own reaction because I'm against abortion! I hope it's a miscarriage then I don't have to think about abortion. I'm angry with myself that i wasn't selfish enough to decide just to transfer the girls. But I don't want to be a selfish person!

My husband wants to do ivf/pgd/ spermsort over and over untill we have a girl. But that's not my point! I'm so scared to give birth again and the whole thing after that (c section, depression, crybaby etc).....I'm scared I can't to it just for a boy....

It looks like everybody gets their desired gender like that with ivf/pgd and I'm the only one who has no guarantee and has to wait untill at least 13 weeks.... I hate my life right now !

My husband is so angry at me he wants to divorce me if I will do an abortion.

We were perfectly happy with our relationship and our son, why wasn't this enough? Why did we want more kids? Now this whole thing distroid our lifes....

I hate myself right now, I even don't want to live anymore.....

[secretly sad]

Aww lisvna I don't know what to say. First of all you don't know for sure it is a boy yet, it could easily be a wee girl. You are not selfish at all and please don't think that. I must say I was a little surprised that you put the boys back in but I think at the time you probably panicked a bit after Savvas mentioning endometriosis. You love your little boy even after all the hiccups at the start, right?? So you will love another little boy if this is the case and remember that colic and reflux etc etc doesn't last forever. I wish there was something I could do to help. You just have to sit tight for just now and pray with all your heart that it is a pink bean you have. Fx that it is. Thinking of you xxxx

[angel in a pink sky]

I am sorry you are so sad. You have a lot of pressure on you right now. You had a completely scary birth and then bad infant experience, two failed cycles, and now the unknown of who this baby is and what it will bring. You need to be kind to yourself for the next six weeks. Go out with friends, go shopping do anything you like to do that you did before you had kids until you find out the gender of this baby. I know I sounds trivial giving what you are dealing with but it will help you get through the next six weeks and then once you find out then we will be here to celebrate if it is a girl or to listen if it is a boy.

No two babies are the same: My first cried all the time and I believed I hated the infant sage because I had such a rough time. I was scared to death of my second and he was an angel. I hear this all the time. Trust me our second will be different.

As for putting back both genders I find it amazing you put yourself aside and did it for our son and husband. I understand now you are a little resentful of the decision but don't loose hope until you know for sure what this baby is. When you want to yell at your husband come on here and talk to us. Give him a six week break as well. I know it is easier said than done to turn off your mind and to have a baby in our belly that you have so many mixed emotions about right now but just try to take it one day at time.

[Flava]

Just because your first baby boy had problems that doesn't mean another boy will have the same!
And it could be a baby girl!
But if my DH would say things like this I would be so angry and i would tell him what I think who is really selfish!Sounds to me he is the one who is selfish , sorry...he want's to do ivf forever till you got a girl ,(it's not like he is doing it anyway, right?) divorce if things not like he want's them ect. WTH?After all you went through how can he say that?
You should talk to him and tell him how you feel.
I really hope it's a healthy baby this time for you with no problems at all and hopefully a girl!XX

[lisvna]

Thank you girls! It means a lot to me! We are both very emotional people (especially I'm with my ADHD). So we react strongly on eachother with this kind of things......I really can't complain about my husband. He is doing a lot in the household and a lot with our son. He is a great husband and a great father. But I'm so angry and sad (probably the pregnancy hormones are killing me right now). It looks like I fail with everything in my life and even with this......

[Hobbermittens]

You have been through so much! I am so sorry it has been this hard for you. Don't give up hope yet--the baby very well could be a girl. From my experience, GD is very bad in the first few weeks of pregnancy, but as the baby gets bigger and you can bond with it, you will feel better. I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting a daughter! You can't control how you feel.

[Waiting4Daisy]

I really think this is less of a GD issue and more of almost a post traumatic stress thing based on a really horrible pregnancy last time round. I know someone who had such a horrible birth that her husband chose to be sterilised as she could not handle doing that again. I had a not very nice birth experience with my first son (not horrendous by any means but not ideal) and it put me off having a baby for a good while even though I knew I wanted more children. I also found him a very difficult, clingy infant, although he is now almost 5 and honestly one of the loveliest children I have ever encountered (and his earlier clinginess now manifests as a very sensitive nature which means he is so caring and kind).

Much of this reason I think I had GD with DS2 was thinking it was all going to be the same as DS1. He was an unplanned pregnancy and I was very anxious throughout. But DS2 was a dream birth and a much easier baby and that made me want another very quickly after! DS3 was a different baby again and a different birth experience - it really is different each time. I hope that you are carrying a baby girl but if not, I'm sure there is a very good chance especially after doing PGD that you have a healthy baby in there! Can you consider having some sort of councilling to help you deal with your birth issues as I can't imagine how frightened you must be of going through that experience again. Big hugs xxx

[lisvna]

I think you have a good point here! I love boys in fact I always preferred a boy and I was very happy when I found out his gender. His birth and everything after that was really traumatic for me, this afternoon my husband mentioned it too.....I think you are right that I'm scared that it would be the same. Maybe that's the reason why I want a girl so it would be totally different. I think my (pregnancy) hormones are really playing with me because now I'm very calm again and it feels like it doesn't matter if it's a boy.....strange huh?!?! Is it because of my ADHD I react like that? A few weeks ago they diagnosed it so it's pretty new to me all....

[jils04]

Oh you poor thing. You are definitely not selfish. You are actually a very giving caring person for risking the gender and putting them all back in ! You care about your son and husband before yourself. I hope you get whats best for you and don't worry about the same thing happening again. Ive never heard of two horrible birth experiences and difficult babies in a row.
Hugs

[girlmom]

if you put back 4 and only 1 took then remember he/she is a miracle and a blessing. i actually read an atical recently that says most the time boys don't take as they are fragile and not nearly as hearty and as strong as female embryos. most of the time we miscarry its a boy to create a more even male to female ratio. so fx a stong girl took but if a boy took he must have been sent to you for a reason and i know once he's here you will love him every bit as much as you love your son.
p.s. girls have acid reflus too, dd2 and dd5 and dd6 all had it plus dd2 had colic. just because they have a vagina doesn't mean they don't cry. hope you hear girl anyway though.