Am I an awful person??

[spinningmadly]

Ok so my siggy explains my story! I have 2 adorable boys and then last time after praying for a girl (it's mainly boys on both me and ds's side) I got pregnant with a girl, I felt like we had won the lottery and then we lost her at 20 weeks. Reasons still unknown. Well this time I'm at high risk and I don't know what gender this baby is yet. But my cousin just found out she's having a girl and announced it tonight and I should be happy for her but I'm just so irritated instead!! I don't honestly mesh well with her anyway so maybe that's part of it. But she made such a huge deal out of revealing the gender that it made it 10x worse. I feel like there's no way id be lucky enough to get a girl twice in a row. And this is the most horrible part , in the shower I was crying and thought I don't even want this baby if it's a boy, I just want my girl back. See awful person

[Cinss]

No you are not an awful person! You are human and we are emotional creatures, especially when there are pregnant horemones involved. You have gone through the number 1 hardest sadest thing anyone could ever go through and that is not fair. Im so sorry for your loss. Im sure your cousin is not trying to rub it in your face, she would just be feeling special as we all do when we have all the attention on us and our unborn baby. I can understand how you would feel like the universe is rubbing salt in your wound though, and again not fair!

[spinningmadly]

Thanks cinss. I know she didn't think about me .. At all.. Honestly she's pretty self involved and (that's from my whole family not me) so I know it wasn't intentional. But it did feel exactly like what else was the universe going to throw at me this year?? What did I possibly do in another life to deserve this ugh

[Claire33]

to you. Life is just so unfair isn't it? Sorry for your loss. In difficult times I just try and concentrate on my own little family and ignore everyone else's (good fortune). Even if this is difficult to do sometimes.

[gallons of milk]

to you. Life is just so unfair isn't it? Sorry for your loss. In difficult times I just try and concentrate on my own little family and ignore everyone else's (good fortune). Even if this is difficult to do sometimes.

I completely agree with this - in our house we say 'sod the lot of them' and do lovely family things together. Have been known to unplug the phone. Not always easy, and you have had a great loss so you need to be especially kind to yourself and not beat yourself up about your feelings. I can't believe the insensitivity of her - I hope someone in your family points out to her how thoughtless she was.

[The Anchor]

Oh spinning! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, everything just seems so overwhelming to me when I'm pregnant. (They keep saying hormones but I still want to smack someone). How utterly thoughtless of your cousin...you are not an awful person! I haven't even met you and I think you're wonderful You're feeling resentful that you lost your little girl, and who wouldn't? Perfectly natural! Whether it's a little girl or boy in there, you will be a wonderful mother and when you hold bub in your arms for the first time your heart will melt. HUGS

[spinningmadly]

I hope so.
I find out gender tomorrow
It's weird last time , I felt like I would have been semi ok with boy but this time it feels like I'm going to lose all those experiences I thought I was going to actually have since I had heard girl before. I don't know why it's so much harder. part of it also is that pregnancy has gotten so stressful and scary that the idea of another is just too much.

[meeks32]

Oh I completely empathise with how you must be feeling right now, although having never lost a bub late like that I will never be able to understand entirely. You are NOT a horrible person for feeling like this, I've felt annoyed and angry at other mums who easily got girls (especially if they had a boy or two first like me) and she really did rub your face in it, even if she didn't mean to its VERY insensitive. Some women don't understand how horrible and emotionally damaging loosing a baby can be, especially at 20 weeks. I doubt she has any idea what's involved there and how that would affect you forever.

If she does, then SHE is the horrible person!

Now about feeling like you don't want this one if its a boy, this is nothing about what you do and don't want, and everything about what/who you lost. I think you feel subconsciously if this is a girl, it will go a little way to replace what was taken from you, and if its a boy that you'll never get what was taken back. This is normal and grief works in ways we and others can't understand. Accept that anything you feel is ok to feel, and be prepared to work through things as they come.

No matter if this is a boy or girl, perhaps seeking some counselling may help you process your emotions which really stem from the bub you lost. This does not make you less of a person or mum and does NOT mean you failed or that you aren't strong. It means you are a good and proactive mum trying to deal with a whole lot of unfair things!

It's ok to cry if its a boy, it's ok to be angry and grumpy for a while, if you talk about I with others that you trust, and you aren't getting past it, then do seek help from a professional because this sort of emotional turmoil can trigger post natal depression later on (also not your fault).

Hormones are magnifying anything you would have felt anyway, that doesn't help you deal, but it explains why it's hard.

You are going to be a great mum no matter what, because you are working through these things!

I think we all felt some of these emotions at various times, even if we know we shouldn't or we don't want to. Anyone that sways would!

Xx can't wait to hear your news. Remember seeing baby is always special no matter what. It might help you to word up the ultrasound technician on your past loss (even if you don't go into swaying talk) just so they can be more prepared for your reactions and so they empathise and explain things better.

[spinningmadly]

Thanks. I'm lucky my ultrasound tech has done both my boys and my girl and she reverified she had passed way a third time for me before I induced just to double check. She had a private place. So I'm sure she will understand,
The hard part is that ds1 really wants a girl and he will be with me, if I hear boy I want to seem excited so he's not so disappointed.

I did go to counseling for a bit and honestly there was only so much to sit and say and it's so hard to find child care that it wasn't worth it. I think if it was helping I would have kept going.
There's only 3 people that specialize in this area in my area, the one who I went to bc I also saw her with ds1 for ppd. One I know outside of professional dealings and I would not be comfortable seeing her. And the third I also knew a little bit but still would have been fine seeing and her therapy is less sitting and talking, more outside , less conventional, which would have been great.. But she had a dd the day my dd was due. So it was just too hard to see her.

[4devochki]

Go easy on yourself. Losing a child at 20 weeks is one of the most horrible things you could undergo, and you're asking too much to be over it. So of course you're grieving, and scared. You're not a horrible person at all. Are your relatives expressing support for your ongoing grief and loss? I hope so. It's so natural for you to feel renewed grief when hearing about the family girl baby...plus people are just not that sensitive sometimes.

Anyway, I'm wishing you health, and peace of mind throughout your pregnancy.