Does having a rough childhood make anyone want a girl even more?

[Shakti]

I've been very back and forth on whether or not to sway. Sometimes, ok often, I feel very weird about my reasons, and wondering what anyone else thinks.

In April we'll start conceiving our first child. Chances are we're only having 2 children, because we are both in our 30s, though I am trying to talk my husband into being open to a 3rd child. 3 is the maximum that even I am comfortable with.

My reasons for wanting a daughter have largely to do with the fact that my own relationship with both of my parents was extremely dysfunctional and abusive, and I long for a chance to raise a little girl with the attitude and respect that I deserved.

It's not about superficial passing things such as dolls, hair ribbons, etc, its more the whole process of raising her to be a happy adult that I am looking forward to, and bringing a confident, powerful woman into the world. My sense of femininity is that I enjoy being a woman, in the sense that I'm my husband's teammate, not his accessory. I'm not trying to create a mini-me, rather I long to give a little girl the start in life that I deserved. What she does with it, what her interests are, etc., is up to her.

My gender desire was extremely strong a few months ago, but then I felt guilty for it, as if our first child is meant to be a son, then I want to give it my all just as much as if it was a daughter. My husband has become very enthusiastic about the idea of a daughter though, as much as I've ever been, and it has rubbed off on me. He said that even if we don't sway, he'll be surprised if it's not a girl, he even had a dream about a month ago about a little girl in the park with us. He also thinks it would be special for his mother, he has 1 brother and 1 nephew who will also be an only child, so our daughter would be the first girl in the family.

A huge part of me tells me that it wouldn't hurt to sway, as if we never do, if we have 2 children then the chances are 25% of no daughters. If we wait until our 2nd pregnancy to sway, it's a lot of pressure, and if we have a 3rd child, I want it to be because we genuinely want another child and not to get a particular gender.

I can see in some ways how a son could also be healing for me, I suppose though that part of me feels scared, my relationship with my father was horrid and twisted, and I had major trust issues with men as a result until I met my husband. So having a son would give me a chance to have another powerful bond with a male besides my husband, which would be extremely healing, though maybe not at the profound level that one with a daughter would. But we would still have plenty of good activities to share, such as cooking (my husband and I do almost all of the cooking together), yoga, the outdoors, etc.

And another major part is that we will be raising our children in The Netherlands. My husband is Dutch, I moved here to be with him from Georgia in The US. And the attitudes towards gender roles here are astronomically healthier here than where I come from. That's one advantage I would love to give a daughter.

Thanks for reading this, I needed to get it off my chest, and I feel like I need to look hard at this before making a decision about whether or not to sway. Part of me is afraid of feeling guilty, but also part of me is scared to one day be working on our last pregnancy and not yet have a daughter.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I think many women in here sway for reasons that have to do with their childhood, whether that is good or bad. Some women have very healthy and close relationships with their mothers and wish to replicate that with a daughter (if possible). And some have very unhealthy relationships with their parents and wish a certain gender to "redeem themselves/their child." There aren't guarantees in life, so even getting a girl doesn't mean you will suddenly feel at peace with what happened to you as a child. And as long as you realize that, there should be no guilt about swaying. It is not an 100% thing, so if you are "meant" to have a boy first, you still probably will. But making some minor changes to your diet, lifestyle, or routines isn't something to beat yourself up about, even if it is your first child. If you absolutely want a daughter somewhere in there, it certainly doesn't hurt to start trying with baby number one. It sounds like you are in one of the healthiest sway places, since you can make some changes and see where it gets you, so you know what to change in the future if it doesn't work. And that stress of "it's my last chance" isn't there. Good luck!

[The Anchor]

Just wanted to say that this is a GREAT post, I loved reading it. Everyone has a reason for swaying, you don't have to justify yours! GL!

[Claire33]

Your reasons for wanting a girl are almost exactly the same as mine. I also want to raise a daughter in a way I feel I deserved to be raised, but wasn't. I want the mother-daughter bond that I missed out on and still mourn not having. I want to be a mother to a daughter the way I wish my own mother had been.

However, I am now pregnant with boy no. 3, no girls. First of all I realized that you can also raise boys in a way you feel you should have been raised. You can give them all the love you never got. You can still have the mother-child bond you never had, even if you have a boy. I also realize that having a daughter will never take away my own heart break, and I don't really want to give a child a "job" before she is even born. (That job being "fixing" my bad childhood.)

You are allowed to have a gender preference, but please do know that you can have a great and close relationship with a son, and that boys need their moms just as much as girls do, and they need to feel loved and accepted just as much as girls do.

[fish2012]

honestly i wish i'd know about swaying for my first i always knew i wanted a girl and i think it's easier to stick to the diet (my ds1 said to my dh - big people don't eat breakfast do they daddy - he's only 3 after 9 months of me eating breaky i guess he forgot i ever had ;-( get the exercise in and spend time sorting out a plan.

I am in that place you fear i am 5 weeks preggie with baby 3 it's got to be our last i'm not a big family mummy and we can't afford it, it's our first sway and having to face never having a daughter. Don't feel guilty yet what you don't realise cause you havn't been through the next painful step yet (of having just boys) is that you will love the baby however the lack of a girl will still hurt.

Don't feel guilty we all have our reasons for swaying mine is a very close bond with my mother so don't dwell on where it's come from there's a lot of us here i think we all have a slightly different mix of reasons/causes

good luck xx

[BZ88]

I understand your reasons and like another poster said you are not alone. For me having a daughter was a bit scarey as I do not want to end up like my relationship with my mother. Not that it's awful. It's just that I fear I don't have the skills to have a good relationship like I'm a stupid record playing the same family curse Which I know is illogical. Being self aware helps and I tell myself that my daughter is not me. She and I will have our troubles I just pray she forgives my weaknesses and is resilient. May God cover my weaknesses and guide her and give me wisdom. I believe God hears our prayers and wants to bless us. So no matter the gender children are a blessing and each one has unique qualities that will evolve our parenting.

[my4leafclover]

Wow Shakti. I just had a conversation with my DH 2 nights ago about this. I had a rough childhood, and I am not sure if it is because of that that my GD for a DD is so very strong, but I do know that I have been paying close attention to what I wanted out of my life from a very early age. Including the type of parent I wanted to be and that included how I would raise *MY* daughters. I think it is that focus that made motherhood a calling for me and a huge part of that was raising a daughter. I have done a lot of soul searching over the past few years and trying to figure out exactly why my gd was so deep and strong. I wondered why some moms of all boys were content with the boys and not having a dd and why I couldn't get to that place.

[4devochki]

My rough childhood is my reason for yearning for a son...that it looks like I'll never get. I have four daughters. My relationship with all of them is 1,000,000x better than my mother's was with me, but I don't think I'll ever feel healed without the boy that I dreamed of. I'm facing the end of that dream and casting about for ways to get over it...it's so hard.