I could find out tomorrow... should I??

[KidAtHeart]

To sum up my situation - we found out with first two (GD was bad with the second half of second pregnancy), so then I decided not to find out with the third. GD hit pretty hard after he was born. I swore I would find out if I ever had another. But then the time came... and I was enjoying the pregnancy so much, I didn't want to find out. I feel much better prepared for GD this time (last time I didn't even know these websites existed or that so many people felt like this), but still, I know I will be upset if I find out it's another boy. I know I will get over it, too, and move on.

Tomorrow I get my last ultrasound (I'm 30 weeks). My husband wants to find out but said he would defer to my wishes. He wants me to find out too so I'll be prepared. Mentally. Plus, then we could paint, shop, etc.

But now that I've come this far, the idea of having a surprise is enticing. Sure, it would be practical to find out, not to mention to have some time to come to terms with it before announcing to the world what we had. But I don't know - I've beaten myself up for 30 weeks now with not knowing and preparing myself for a fourth boy, but still with a little hope that it just might be a girl.

Advice??

[grace03]

Hello,
I have 3 boys and just found out about a suprise 4th pregnancy. My first i didnt find out and my next two i did. I think that if you got this far then wait , however if you think you coped better finding out then do that , it sounds like you found it hard not finding out with your third but then you also sound better prepared now too. it's so hard isn't it! i have no idea what to do about finding out about this one. hugs and best of luck whatever you decide and hope you have a healthy happy baby ( and i hope you get your girl)xx

[Nachelle]

I wanna know now! lol I said I was going to wait (this is my 4th and I have 3 boys as well) But Im going crazy and I have high levels of anxiety from it. I just need to know if I have to accept a house full of weiners or be excited about my 1st baby girl. But youve waited until 30 weeks!! Congrats! I woulld say go with what feels right to you. I really hope you get your little girl!!!!!

[Rainbow baby]

I don't know, If I was you, I would find out tomorrow just because you had problems when you left if a surprise before!!

[ocean]

Agreed - I would find out now. I didn't find out with DS2 - who I had been sure was our last baby - and I found myself looking up HT strategies in the days after while in the hospital! I too was proud of myself getting so far and decided to just wait until the birth - plus I'd told myself I thought it was 95% sure to be a boy. But it turned out my brain had been hanging onto that 5% chance more than I realized. I think you've done just the right thing by waiting until 30 weeks...10 weeks more than the 20 week scan, which I think is really too early if you don't get the news you're hoping for.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I agree...a surprise is really enticing. I thought about it. But in the end, I realized I spent a lot of time envisioning the surprise being a girl and how I would feel about it. And thus I realized that I was not likely to be fully prepared if it was another boy and I wanted time to come to terms with it. My ideal of a "surprise" was to be hopeful for the pregnancy and get what I wanted in the end. But given I had a 50-50 shot of that going horribly awry (and potentially spoiling what should be a beautiful moment of meeting my child), I decided I needed to handle my emotions beforehand and that it was more important than wanting a surprise.

So, I think if you really evaluate the reasons behind your desire for a surprise, the answer will come to you. Some women love the suspense, love the moment of announcement and love telling everyone afterward. No matter what the outcome. Some I do think are setting themselves up for failure when they are trying to avoid tough emotions and end up dealing with them 3-fold while trying to cope with a new baby and a whole other set of hormones on top of the GD feelings.

That said, I don't, for one second, regret finding out this time. Granted, I am getting what I wanted. But I think it would have been fine if I weren't as well. I think I needed time to adapt if it was another boy and I do feel I would handle his birth so much better if I found out first. I am having a good time planning for a daughter. And sure, it would have been cool to find out in the delivery room. But it wasn't worth the risk to me.

[Niva]

I'm not sure I agree that you should find out. I have the exact same question and worries about finding out vs not finding out, but I plan on staying team green until delivery (and I'm not even pg yet!) But I do also wonder if that is the right decision... Come back and post here about your experience either way, after the birth!

I did find out for ds1 early on, at 14 weeks, and I had horrible GD the whole entire pregnancy. Like ocean, I started researching HT as soon as I found out. (And here I am now merely swaying, lol.) The long wait to meet my son just drew out the GD for me -- I couldn't get over it until I had to start living in the moment rather than imagining how I would feel in the future. I think I would have done better finding out at delivery and having less time to obsess and over-analyze all my preconceptions about what boys are like and whether I had the instincts to mother a boy.

Now that I know all those fears were unfounded, I realize that I still desperately want a girl so I can have the other experience too, but I'm not afraid of having another boy. I would, rationally, be very okay with another boy and this time I know I would love him to bits right away. But, it's my nature to obsess about how bad I might feel if xyz happened, so I'm a bit nervous about how I'll feel in the delivery room with a surprise opposite. Still probably better than I'd feel with all those extra weeks to grieve in advance, though, with all that bad feeling piling up on me before the new baby was there to dispel it and force me to love him.

But if you are the kind of person who CAN come to terms with your GD and actually get over it before the baby is born, like pinkin did, then by all means, find out now. And hotdogs has a very good point about analyzing your reasons for keeping a surprise. If it's because you're picturing your joy at having your dg, the consensus seems to be that you'll be in for a big fall. But if you think you are pretty much at peace with having an opposite, AND you feel better equipped to handle disappointment in the moment rather than draw it out and build it up beforehand, it may be better to wait. At least that's my plan and reasoning. I don't expect to have zero disappointment at delivery, but I'm working on visualizing having an opposite so I'm better prepared. I'll probably be in ocean's shoes, with the 95%/5% situation, but I think that may be personally better for me than having GD during the remainder of the pregnancy. (I think! But I'm still unsure too!)

[1+2+3boys]

If you want a surprise then I would do it. I have three boys and do not know what it is like to have a surprise and really want to know how a surprise feels with my next that will be my last. But how to cope after the birth if it is a 4th boy?

I came up with a little plan to hopefully help with my GD if it is a boy. I don't want anyone to announce the sex when the baby is born or make it so I accidently see when the baby is passed to me. I want to look into my babys face and bond/get to know and love it before I know the gender. I will look myself when I am ready. I feel then if it is a boy I will still have had my special momment after the birth that was not tainted with any negaitive feelings and hopefully make it easier to come to terms with it after I know.
Goodluck on what ever you decide and I really hope you are carrying your little girl

[pinkin2011]

1+2+3Boys what a fantastic idea!!! I think I may steal that one from you as id love to have a surprise aswell oneday ! If i can be strong enough

[heidih1977]

I personally think it is better to find out before the birth so you are prepared and not dealing with GD on top of a newborn and all the other emotional and physical changes after giving birth. I found out 8 weeks ago at 20 weeks that I am having boy number 3. Believe you me, I spent the those first 20 weeks secretly convincing myself it was another boy in the hope I would be better prepared to deal with hearing another boy, but I must say I was absolutely crushed and it has taken me/ or is still taking me all my time to come to terms there will be no little girl of my own in my life. DH wasn't too keen on number 3...I pushed it, so there is no chance of number 4. I never thought I would be a mom of all boys, but there you go, that is what fate has thrown my way. I am so glad I did find out because I wouldn't like to imagine my mental state had I waited until the birth. Plus at the end of the day none of these little people ask to be born and if we as adults decide to create a life then we should be prepared to give that little life everything we possibly can in the way of love, care and attention. My two boys are very special to me and I wouldn't swap them for anything. I am this next little one will be very special too. I do hope you get your girl. Every mother does deserve one.