Wishing my contraception would fail

[atomic sagebrush]

Exactly and I do not want anyone EVER to feel out of place here if they just want another baby of either gender, whether it's a sibling for an outnumbered kiddo or if it's a first baby or another baby. I love having all you guys on here and I think everyone brings so much to the site and that is what makes this the best site around!

[1+2+3boys]

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I am not the only one who feels this way. Just as life gets easier for us something new comes along and I am really sensitive to these things now even though I no longer have post natal depression.

I haven't been on in a while but my contraception almost did fail and it led to a great epiphany but darn it, of coarse DP arrives home now just as my fingers were starting to get all fired up to type a noval

[trifecta]

I can't wait to read more about your epiphany. I also wish my IUD would fail. It would be so much easier to not have make the decision about one more!

[1+2+3boys]

Just a month after I wrote this post funnily enough, my IUD fell out midcycle. It never did feel quite right. Anyway, there was quite a possible chance that I could have gotten pregnant because it was right about O day and we had been active that month. I was full of anticipation and excitement and all I could think of was my girl that could be on her way but when it came time to test both times I was absolutely freaking out about how there was no way I wanted to be pregnant right now. My twins just turned two and I am slowly starting to get a bit of my life outside parenthood back and I am not prepared to give that up. I would only be willing to go through that hard time again if I could garentee it would be for a girl. I really am not clucky for a baby. When I think of my girl I picture a child 4-11. I used to think that if I swayed hard and it was another boy at least I know I would have tried and it was not meant to be but I know that is not true.
While I would love my amazing new son it would not solve my problem of never having a daughter and I really think 4 is my limit. Would I then want to try again and again until I had her? No, it is a daughter next or never.

So I know I have to go PGD. I thought about it once before and changed my mind because it all seemed so extreme but I don't want to lose out on having a daughter in my life. I didn't get given what I wanted so I am going to have to 'cheat' and get it myself. I guess I word it that way because I used to be christian. I don't want to be an old lady who stares at little girls with regret in her eyes and who knows by then HT might be much more normal. I'd be happy to sway if I were going from 2 to 3 but I had twins and got to my 3 kid limit fast and I am only willing to go one over that. I always felt so sorry for 3 or more familes of one gender for the parent with no same sex companion and now I am just that. I don't feel sorry for myself but for some unknown reason I can not let go of my pining for a daughter. I really wish my boys could be enough. I had a long list of reasons why I thought I wanted a girl because I thought I needed reasons and I came up with ways to get around most of them and it helped but didn't fix them. I tried to see other peoples realities with sick or no children but that is there realities and as lucky as I feel it still doesn't solve my problem. The one thing I really need to make happen for myself.

The only problem is the money. I have read posts from Atomic and NBP who recommend HT before swaying if it wont put a signifacant strain on your life and hugely affect the way you live because of financial sacrafice or something along those lines. Well it would be like that for us. Life was good but now the recession has us living week to week and we don't own our house, DPs 9 and 11 year old will be needing a College fund soon and my partner has not seen his family in almost 7 years and desperately wants to but NZ to Germany for us would cost almost the amount that HT does just for the flights!!!

So I will just have to wait for her. I didn't want a huge age gap but better late than never. I am only 26 too and pretty healhty so time is on my side that way. I plan to train as a midwife and DP is slowly getting recognised for his Cheffing talents and being promoted but life is still hard but I think I can slowly save for the money. Crossing my fingers that by the time the time comes, Australia might have finally come to it's senses and lifted its PDG band.

Wow that sure turned into an essay! The last bit is what I think I need the most help with. How can you save for PGD?

And also I am just not sure how to deal with the huge wait and keeping it all to myself. I am happy about coming to this decission but it is a huge weight to carry and I will be reminded each time people ask if I plan to try for more kids. There is no way my family would understand

[1+2+3boys]

I want a girl so much that if HT didn;t work out I think I would be more willing to adopt than sway. And that says alot because I am adopted and I would prefer to have my own biological daughter since I never had a close female bllo relation. I have nothing against boys though. I always hoped for more boys. Only wanted one girl but not willing to give up on her and I think I can only have one more child as to what I know I can handle

[Adia]

Hey stranger! Its good to hear from you!

I see how much work you have done and I think your decision to go HT is spot on! Good for you! You are young and have many years of childbearing possibilities ahead of you. Just keep the dream alive and know that you will find a way to make it happen.

It always startles me when I think back a couple of years and how my life is drastically different now in ways I never imgained it would be. So many unexpected changes came our way. We are living in a place we never imagined we would live, not my favorite but its working out, and in careers we never imagined 3 years ago, again, not the pick of the litter but we are making it work and finding joy along the way!

Enjoy those babies while they are young and be confident that you will someday have the daughter you dream of!
Big hugs mama!!

[ocean]

123 I'm really really excited for you! Yes we're talking years from now - but you have a direction now, something you're going to work toward - and that's pretty darn exciting. Whether it's PGD or adoption - and maybe you'll research both - you know what you want and aren't afraid to say it.

You're so young...you have years to save for PGD. I started when I was 37 so that's a lot of saving years - though of course you won't wait THAT long.

First you already know you'll want to get an emergency fund squared away so you're not living week to week. Then comes prioritizing your savings goals and continuing to work toward two healthy income ******s.

As far as telling people -- my strong, strong advice is not to. You can't ever un-tell the people you tell, and this is a huge secret to expect them to keep. The only person who knows is my DH and though I was all emotional about wanting to tell my mom and siblings before I started, now I'm SO thankful I told no one. They wouldn't have understood - to your point about your family - and they'd think of it always. I get the support I need from the HT board and DH. I don't need questions about 'how's it going' from anyone else, and they can't provide any of the support I need.

So even though it'll be a long wait, I'd just answer the 'if you'll try again' questions however you'd answer them now....maybe....probably not...don't know....whatever the answer is. PGD can be something you're hoping for the future but its outcome can't be predicted, so don't let it affect that answer you're giving.

Oh and and yes - PGD is extreme. It certainly feels that way to me this month. But if it works, the way it worked will fade in time, and you end up with your dream. And that to me is worth all the angst leading up to it.

EXCITING!! Hope to hear more!

[1+2+3boys]

Thanks Adia and Ocean, love hearing from you both. I probably wont be on the Forems much for a while as there is not much I can plan for now and don't want to dwell on what I don't have as much as I can help. I do need to focus on my little ones without distractions such as the internet and FB. I am quite sensitive and never used to be so have to take care of myself and avoid triggers. I find it hard enough to get things done without the distraction of the computer and I get down when I am not feeling in control of housework etc. It is so busy with three kids 4 and under but I just want to do what is best for them.

Good news: I am getting a Nanny for 9 hours a week starting next week to give me a break finally. Mr 4 is at Kindy 3 days a week and she will come during two of those days to look after my two year olds. I have been a full on SAHM for over 4 years and finally I can explore my creative passions and have fun developing new skills that I may even make some money off before I have to knuckle down into hard core study for midwifery.

I have made some mega cute clothes for my boys. No girls at the playground are better dressed than my boys! I take pride in that!

[ocean]

And those are gorgeous clothes in the pic if they're yours!!

Good plan to be on here less. I do that too when I need to focus on the life in front of me.

There's a financial program called ivf advantage from fertility authority - don't know anything about it but worth a look. Avail to all, you just have to cycle in the US though.

[KidAtHeart]

I do think gd shows up when you're most depressed. I did get my little girl and am so thrilled by it. But life with four is hard. When I'm having a difficult day, I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. Getting my desired gender definitely took away my gd but I traded it for a new set of problems. It's like anything else, you have to stay positive and take a deep breath thru the rough parts. I hope you all get your desired gender!