Wishing my contraception would fail

[1+2+3boys]

I feel like I have come a long way with my gender desire. I no longer feel pain looking at little or baby girls and do not hold silent jealous grudges when people get a girl after two boys like I always wanted. I even feel like if I had to, I could learn to live without her.

But every month I can't quite help but wonder when I am ovulating and then hope that my period does not come and I can be one of the few statistics whose IUD has failed. Last month I even got excited when I thought I could not feel the string for a second and that it must have slipped so I was no longer protected from pregnancy.

I know my life is natrually no longer one big Blue sway like it used to be and since I was an 'accident' and then my Mum went on to have three planned babies, all boys that if I had a surprise pregnancy it would be my girl too. My twins are 22 months now and If we were in the financial position we would start swaying in a few months and hope for conception later in the year.

It really might not be able to happen though and I don't want too bigger age gap either so feel like my chances are running out.
I just needed to vent really. Deep down I guess the strong desire for a daughter really is still there. Life is hard at the momment and I guess that is why my GD is making a come back. I thought I had it under good control, grrr this sucks.
I wish I could just be fine with not having a daughter

[1+2+3boys]

When life is good I learn to mostly cope with it and I focus on my blessings but when life is hard I struggle to do that. I know having a daughter wont fix all of my problems in life but I wonder if when life is hard it will be one less thingthat comes back to me to be down about that drags me down even more.
Know what I mean?

[Mulberry Smurf]

I know what you mean especially the second part. Maybe it isn't so much about wanting a daughter but just wanting to be happy and assuming that a daughter will fix that. I change my mind daily if not hourly about wanting a third child (of either gender) but I find when I am most unhappy I want my girl I don't have. When I look around at my family and my heart fills so much it feels like it might burst I feel complete and settled. Perhaps plan some things to make you happy with the family you have now like days out or a holiday and enjoy your life a little before considering another sway? Hugs for you. Gd is hard xx

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes exactly that was totally true for me. I felt like (and still do) that if I was one of those people who had everything handed to them that I could have learned to deal with my gender desire and actually been quite happy with all boys. But I am not one of those people, everything in my life has been a struggle (obviously I'm not in a concentration camp and no one has cancer and I"m thankful for those things but just all the little things never seem to go my way without a huge effort, if that makes sense) and so not having a daughter was like adding insult to injury - because I could look around and see these people who had it easy in ways that I didn't, and then also had a daughter. It was like, can I just have this ONE thing that practically all other people have? And I still feel resentful about it because I had to do all this work and research and effort in order to get her, having to wait till I'm 42 years old and won't be around long enough to really enjoy her as an adult, while others it just happens. All my sister's friends (who are all about 10-12 years younger than I am) have all had pigeon pairs and are "done now".

[Adia]

Yes exactly that was totally true for me. I felt like (and still do) that if I was one of those people who had everything handed to them that I could have learned to deal with my gender desire and actually been quite happy with all boys. But I am not one of those people, everything in my life has been a struggle (obviously I'm not in a concentration camp and no one has cancer and I"m thankful for those things but just all the little things never seem to go my way without a huge effort, if that makes sense) and so not having a daughter was like adding insult to injury - because I could look around and see these people who had it easy in ways that I didn't, and then also had a daughter. It was like, can I just have this ONE thing that practically all other people have? And I still feel resentful about it because I had to do all this work and research and effort in order to get her, having to wait till I'm 42 years old and won't be around long enough to really enjoy her as an adult, while others it just happens. All my sister's friends (who are all about 10-12 years younger than I am) have all had pigeon pairs and are "done now".

Oh so well said Atomic. I have had nothing but turmoil in one way or another most of my life and a great deal of my adult life. Most of it is due to the way I was raised in an extreme religion that has been very hard to get away from, a rigid military mother who got bored raising her 7 kids and just checked out so I could finish raising them.

While I have had more control over things as an adult I have had little control on the crap my husbands have done, (ex-DH and DH) and little control over the mental illness 2 of my kids have. And certainly no control on the impact of the lousy economy which has hit us very hard with DH's line of work.

So like the others, if I could just have a boy, or even a baby at this point, life would have given me just one thing I "wanted". Albeit that 'wanted' thing would require a lot of money, energy and work, it is something I WANT.

And the people who just order their desired genders and get it....if I could just figure out why all they have to do is stamp their feet and say "i want it" and I have to work so hard for every little thing, I might feel a tiny bit better. If I could understand why several of my SILs say "I'll take BBGG" and it happens, I could swallow my reality a little easier.

And you make a good point Atomic, a lot of people who don't have to struggle with a lot of the basics in life are happier with all one gender. I have seen it many times. They have other things they want that come their way so, oh well, they reason, "I didn't get a girl/boy, but I have a great house, great figure, awesome career, fabulous vacations, etc. "

I try to tell myself that I have things that people like my SILs who order BBGG don't...I am independent of many chains that bind, I have a cool career ahead, I have lived and traveled a lot and had amazing experiences, etc. But at the end of it all i don't have a boy or a DC4 to watch grow up...so GD lives on.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer...just feeling your pain and wanting to know we hear you.

[Rosie85]

Atomic we are in the same boat. Life comes very difficult for us. Everything is a chore, everything goes wrong at all the wrong times. We struggle more than the average family and have horrible luck all the time and I too think why can't I have this ONE thing. Like you I am grateful we are cancer free and that we are not in a concentration camp but it doesn't make our life any easier knowing that, it just makes it more acceptable.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Sounds like my story, everything is always a struggle and if it can go wrong it does. We seem to be "cursed" at times and our extended family (who have everything and it's always just "handed" to them) just make our life worse so they can then boast about how better than us we are. If anything good does come our way, there's always something there to make sure it comes crashing down and just put us back in our place and remind us were not one of "lucky" ones. Sometimes I feel like I really do "deserve" our girl after everything else, but then I also feel like I'll never get her as I never get what I want, no matter how hard I work. Yes, also grateful for our health and I do know there are worse people out there throughout the world, but it is hard sometimes when nothing seems to go our way.


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[atomic sagebrush]

One of these days I'm going to write my story called "the making and breaking of a boy mom" and post it in the Maternal Dominance Hypothesis thread because I think the reasons why some of us have all boys or all girls is rooted in things that happen to us in childhood and how it affected us.

[Dreamofpink]

One of these days I'm going to write my story called "the making and breaking of a boy mom" and post it in the Maternal Dominance Hypothesis thread because I think the reasons why some of us have all boys or all girls is rooted in things that happen to us in childhood and how it affected us.

I'll look forward to reading it

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[The Anchor]

Adia you said it perfectly. To be honest, sometimes I feel a little left out on this board, where everyone else wants just one girl or just one boy, and I want just one more. But it's really the same isn't it? It boils down to "I want something that I do not have, and I want it REALLY BADLY". Why can't I just catch a break, just this one time? Why does everyone else around me make the announcement that they want one more, and then weeks later announce they are pg?

I have to admit that I am doing a helluvalot better in adult than I ever could have imagined during childhood. My childhood sucked, to put it bluntly. I think I attribute my success in later life to a late start...I didn't meet a man I wanted to marry until I met DH. I was 35. But now getting that late start has come back to bite me in the butt. I'm too old to have another.

Well I haven't given up YET. We all need to vent every once in an while.