Where did the monster come from?

[ChezIBY]

Hey all,

Thought I would tentatively open a new thread following a discussion on hopper’s thread ‘Green-eyed monster’ here on the ‘Gender Desire’ forum, because very interesting issues had been raised there that (in my opinion, moderators can decide otherwise of course) merit further attention.

Question for anyone who has thought about it and feels comfortable with sharing their findings: where does your GD come from? (The ‘D’ here can stand for both ‘desire’ and ‘disappointment’.) Had you thought about it?

I love the idea of swaying, I find it amazing that the people behind this website have put/keep putting so much effort and consistent work and research into it (not to mention supporting their community). But I do also wonder where this wish comes from, whether it is the same or not for different women/families depending on where it comes from and whether we can do something about it combined with swaying to ultimately ‘get better’ regardless of the final ‘outcome’.

I tried going over my own thoughts/feelings on the subject more or less, and here is what I established (formal resume of the results, without going into the long and winding analysis): it’s not just GD in my case, it’s my character in general. I have this trait, that I have had since I am a kid and that got more pronounced when I was a teen, to set myself impossible (or very very near impossible) standards, yanking some idea out of the sky (e.g. ‘I must have a perfectly gender-balanced family’) and then pushing myself to get there, ultimately beating myself up about it if I do not (so the more impossible the goal, the better, cause there is more chance I will never reach it and can keep beating myself up about it )

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I enjoy this But I think it is not just about the goals themselves, because I have noticed this pattern – soon as I achieve one of those impossibilities (say, closing the school year with perfect grades as a child) I can never ‘relax’, or just for a couple of days, and then I immediately find some new goal to obsess about.

Thus, if Atomic and team handed me a box of pills on a silver platter this same day, and I had only to pop a pill in my mouth each time I wanted to have a baby and the pill would magically give me a baby of my current DG, 100% guaranteed, I think I’d be thrilled… for a week. And then I’d probably tell myself that I have to teach all my kids to speak five languages and play three different musical instruments by the age of two or something like that, and feel like a failure for not achieving THAT goal next.

I’ll try and dig a little deeper, hope I can work on this in such a way that will enable me to be in excellent shape for when I do sway, give it my best go and enjoy the result whatever happens.

Very curious about what everyone else thinks about their own GD; persuaded that each woman has her own story.

Ta!

[Artisam]

I can very much relate to this, and it's very easy to get caught up in achieving things that sometimes you lose sight of the end goal (for me anyway!).
My own reasons for swaying are slightly different, I think to create a kind of mother-daughter relationship I consciously feel I missed out on. My own mother was abandoned by her mother at a young age and taken into care. They reconciled years later however I always felt, as did my sister, that we've never had a 'mumsy' mum, and I know we've both envied friends who have very close relationships with their mothers. Some parts of our childhood were difficult, and I know we often feel we look after our mother, as we would a child.
It perhaps sounds selfish, and I know how blessed we are to have a son already. And I know if we have another son that we will cherish him too.
It's difficult to put into words, and other than this site, I know it's not something many of us share with others.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ChezIBY]

It doesn't sound selfish!! It sounds so beautiful! It totally makes sense. That's a really great dream you have, about having a real bond with your own little girl. I really hope your dream comes true, and all the best to your great DS and DH in the meantime

[atomic sagebrush]

Ok there are two questions here:

First of all where does GD come from?? This I've spent much thought on and I truly believe it's NATURAL. It is born into us and just because most people have one of each, they don't feel it. They may be a little disappointed if they had a preference at the start but if they end up getting their boy or girl in the end they'd forget that. I rem. wanting a boy very badly with my first, and I got him. It doesn't feel like a big thing in my mind now, but I suspect that if I had then gone on to get 3 more girls after that I would still look back at that first time and think "oh how awful that was" but because I did get my boy, it just fades away in my emotions.

I have seen people go over and over their lives looking for THE reason. Some people will say "I had bad experiences" and others will say "I had such wonderful experiences growing up I want to recreate that". But what I think it is, is that it's simply natural to want boys and girls both and then our brains work overtime trying to find some justification for why. But we all have some kind of baggage going on. I think the GD is innate and then we try to find the "reason" that doesn't exist.

Yes, some people do want one or the other but back to my first point again, I suspect that MOST of those people would not feel it so deeply. If you come into having children with a strong boy preference, and have 2 g and a b, even if you'd rather have had 3 b it just doesn't HURT the way it does having NO boys does, if that makes sense. I don't mean to minimize anyone's feelings at all, and of course many have strong gender preferences with their first, or for a same sex sibling. My point is that when people look back in retrospect having mixed gender families, MOST people do not feel the same level of cutting pain that comes when you have zero. It's just not the same thing.

RE personality issues, yes, that comes into play too. For many of us it's not quite as much about gender but is about having a "dream family". I know some people who have gone into a tailspin because they didn't get the "right" kids in exactly the "right" order.

The good news is for you Chez, that kind of personality seems associated with more boys so it may very well be that you will get a little boy easily the next time.

[kittendreams]

Really interesting thread Chez.
I think about this more than I should and battle with my GD demons daily trying to understand 'why?' when I love my two boys endlessly and really quite love boy personalities, energy and interests.
Why aren't they enough?
Why do I want something that doesn't actually exist so consumingly?
Why am I putting such unrealistic expectations on my future happiness?

There are so many aspects to my GD and so many causes for it from being left by my own mum to dealing with people's comments and expectations about my family make up and everything in between.
But I am honestly stumped why this has taken over my life, my experience as a mother and why I am letting something so insidious control me.
I have a long ways to go but one thing is certain I love my boys- not for their gender or because they fulfil some societal expectation but because they are mine, they are vulnerable they need their mum and I need them.

Big hugs to all the parents feeling any kind of GD its a b*%+#!

[kittendreams]

I really feel with you about your mum. My mum was left by her mum and put into care and then my mum left my youngest sister and I.

It is such a complicated and emotional bond between mothers and daughters at times and I really feel like this is a common cause of GD.
My own mum had GD with my two eldest brothers and then went on to have 3 girls in a row with what she thought was shettles timing.
She has always been so open about wanting a girl and tells us often we were "planned" to fulfil her desire so I have been exposed to GD issues from a young age and I really think it contributes to my own feelings of GD.
What I struggle with is that mum left us... It's like she got what she wanted and then threw it away? How do you even begin to understand that?
I have a relationship with my mum now amd have "forgiven" her to help ease her guilt but she is not "Mumsy" and suffers huge demons of her own that make all our interactions so fake and polite just so we can have a relationship at all.

I so long to have a daughter to be real with, to experience womanhood with in all it's facets- the good the bad and the ugly lol!
I know I shouldn't feel like this but I think why can't I have just one daughter I would never throw her away! And then I feel so guilty because it's like my boys aren't good enough and that makes me like her....

[kittendreams]

I really feel with you about your mum Artisam.
My mum was left by her mum and put into care and then my mum left my youngest sister and I.

It is such a complicated and emotional bond between mothers and daughters at times and I really feel like this is a common cause of GD.
My own mum had GD with my two eldest brothers and then went on to have 3 girls in a row with what she thought was shettles timing.
She has always been so open about wanting a girl and tells us often we were "planned" to fulfil her desire so I have been exposed to GD issues from a young age and I really think it contributes to my own feelings of GD.
What I struggle with is that mum left us... It's like she got what she wanted and then threw it away? How do you even begin to understand that?
I have a relationship with my mum now amd have "forgiven" her to help ease her guilt but she is not "Mumsy" and suffers huge demons of her own that make all our interactions so fake and polite just so we can have a relationship at all.

I so long to have a daughter to be real with, to experience womanhood with in all it's facets- the good the bad and the ugly lol!
I know I shouldn't feel like this but I think why can't I have just one daughter I would never throw her away! And then I feel so guilty because it's like my boys aren't good enough and that makes me like her....

[kittendreams]

Sorry for the double post!
Was trying to reply to Artisams post about her mum- went back to edit and posted twice instead lol!

[Artisam]

I feel for you kitten. I don't think anyone can understand unless they too long for one gender or the other. I remember finding out my DS was a boy at 20weeks and once I got over the relief he was healthy I was so upset. I remember my sister told me the same thing with her first ds (she has two DS). After that I accepted it and was fine. Even when he was born, I was fine and in too much of a new baby bubble.
As time goes on there's that little niggle though, and for me doing the sway is my attempt to try and have a little 'control' and be like 'well, at least I tried' kind of thing.
It doesn't mean we don't love our boys, it's just different.
In an extremely selfish way my close friends both have 2 boys, my sister has 2 boys and another friend just found out she is having a boy. I find myself panicking sometimes when people close to me are pregnant and that I won't be able to deal with what they have (completely irrational!)!!
I think we get what we are supposed to have, and there is something very special about families with one gender!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ChezIBY]

Kitten, I agree with Artisam here and I feel for you; I also agree a hundred percent with Artisam about how your desire for a daughter does NOT mean that something is lacking in your relationship with your sons. You sound like a great mom, and I am genuinely impressed that after having such a complex history with your own mom you want to 'set things right'. I have a complicated relationship with my mom too - not abandonement, like you, more the opposite, she feels she has to control everything that me and my sisters do and we have to 'win her approval' - and it left me feeling more like 'what a messy story, mother-daughter relationships are super hard to get right'; while you, your approach is very brave in wanting to tackle the whole thing and build something great with a DD of your own.

This has actually inspired me quite a bit in regards to my own DD, like, I can see it from an angle similar to yours now - 'maybe the universe wants me to get a DD to get it right this time?' So thank you very much for sharing and I hope, in a sort of 'balancing out fairness in the universe' way, that you get your DD down the road let's be patient and keep going for it!!

PS We're going to be sway buddies kitten! I see you're planning on TTC in 17/18 (though you'll be swaying the other way lol). High-five