Will you keep going til you get your DG??

[gigi16]

We have always wanted a big family. After my first 2DS's we had our DD. Most people assumed we were done because we had our DD now so no need for more...
What most didn't know was our desire for more children regardless of gender. We swayed loosely for a girl this time but more than anything wanted to give our youngest a playmate :-) . I'm happy with 5 and honestly feel blessed to have the love and support to have more babies. I have a great support base and my older boys are big help too. 5 won't be easy, but anything worth doing never is!

[envisioned]

My DH and me had this convo last year. He says he wants 4 kids. We have 2 DD's. Sounds nice in theory but the idea of not having a boy for a 3rd would seriously push me over the edge. I have nightmares about having a 3rd girl and I am not a spring chicken anymore so time is running out.

Right now I'm mentally at a point where I want to do HT. I would take our entire Line of Credit and whatever needed to go to the US and do HT. I am having a hard time convincing DH. But the issue for me is that don't want wake up at say 65 and wish I had gone for it while I was still able to have kids. It seems like an insane amount of money, but when you look at what we spend on cars or homes or trips, it's not as horrible in the grand scheme of our lives.

I honestly think - no I know - that I will never ever be truly happy and at peace with my life, unless we have a son. There's this part of me that's just missing. I've had him named since I was 12 years old and I'm running out of time biologically.

In fact I came here tonight after I thought I was doing ok, b/c yet another friend who has a boy, is now pregnant and she's already calling her baby a her. And I just know she's going to get her girl (which I am happy for her if she does b/c she's one of my dearest friends but it doesn't help the envy that builds up inside me b/c of it). I know so many PP's and people with son's that there are days I'm just convinced the Universe is taunting me.

So will I have a 3rd? If I can convince my DH to HT then yes. I just want to be able to enjoy a pregnancy for once and not care if I am puking or sick or tired. I just want to revel in sheer joy and happiness and tell the world that I am having a boy. You really have to think about your life not right now, but your life when you're looking back on it.

[begonia]

Envisioned, I think you're smart. I really do. I wish that I had the foresight to know how much I really wanted this 3rd to be a boy ... I mean, I knew I wanted a son, if I could have picked I would have picked all boys. Like you I've had him named forever And in a way, I thought because I'd dreamed of him for so long, that meant he was meant to be ... and so I really, really felt like we'd have a boy this time. I fooled myself into thinking I'd be OK with a 3rd DD because in my heart, I wanted a son so badly that I was sure I'd have him. But nope ... DD3 for us.

So, from my perspective, if you can get DH on board, I'd 100% say go HT for #3. We wanted 3, never 4, but now ... well, if a year from DD3's birth I still can't bear it, DH and I will adopt. He won't do HT. I would though, but he's not on board. I'm also 100% comfortable with adopting a boy though as we have talked about adopting for years, so that's where we're at right now. Had I known this would be DD3 I would have adopted our 3rd child and not swayed. I have some deep regrets for TTC instead of adopting. Not saying I won't adore her and feel like she's supposed to be here, etc ... I will, I'll be glad she's part of our family I'm sure. But I only wanted 3 kids. And now I have them, and no son. So I'm faced with either choosing a 4th child, or choosing to not have a son ... and like you, I think about when I look back on my life. And I know I'll always wonder what it would have been like for us to have a son and my girls to have a brother. Would I rather have the what-if, or rather have the 4th child and know for sure? I can't decide right now but that's part of the reason I originally asked this question, to see what others perspective was on it.

[4devochki]

Begonia, you are really smart too--I wish I'd had the foresight to know how much I really, really needed #3 (which turned out to be #3 and #4) to be a boy. We would have adopted then. But it feels so very disloyal and awful to say that because as girlie as they are, they are treasures, each one, and the thought of not having them is...well, unthinkable.

Will we keep going? Our plan was to have 2. Then DH agreed (gritting his teeth) to 3. We ended up with 4. And now I'm pressing for #5 (because really their sibling relationships are precious)...the answer is we'll see.

[envisioned]

Begonia - Envisioned, I think you're smart. I really do. I wish that I had the foresight to know how much I really wanted this 3rd to be a boy ...

Oh honey! I read your posts and I hear so much of myself in them. I don't think I'm smart at all. What I am is terrified. I feel a lot of the same complex emotions that go along with GD that women here feel all the time. I've always wanted 3 kids. And yet now I feel like I can't even do that b/c of the insane pressure I would feel to make our 3rd a boy. Had I had one of each or even 2 boys, I'd have gone for a 3rd no problem. Now, instead of thinking "oh I have another chance" I instantly think "Hell no, I'm just going to have another girl". The negative thinking is certainly not helping my morale or even the possibility of my dream coming to fruition (you know the whole positive thinking begets positive results aka The Secret etc).

Just b/c I want to do HT, doesn't mean it will be a possibility. It's still expensive as is but when you don't live in the country that allows it to be legal, the travel, the time, the emotional expense of it and you're still not guaranteed a BFP. It's a lot for lack of a better word, easier, to convince yourself to do a really good sway to boost yourself mentally. And then if it doesn't pan out you think that's it, I'm going HT. Then the reality sets in of actually doing it and suddenly you're swaying again. It's a vicious cycle.

When we write or read on here, we usually are in a bad place. When we're out living our normal lives, things don't seem as dark. So when they do, we come here and vent and when we read them back later on, half the time it's like "yeah right, wishful thinking" or complete shame in what we wrote b/c we love our kids and it's hard to convey the difference to people that a lot of the GD isn't about not loving your kids. It's also about longing to love and experience the kids that you don't have.

I came to this place b/c I found the other site too negative in this dept. The bashing of each others gender's to make themselves feel better in order to get on with their lives or justify their anger, that's not me. I love boys, I love moms who have boys and I feel my personality is compatable with boys. But that doesn't mean I don't give my girls all the girly stuff they want. It's their childhood, not mine. I don't take out my desires through them no matter how much I struggle inside to enjoy doing a tea party or ballet dancing.

I had a friend once tell me she thought I was the perfect mom to have a daughter b/c I was strong, independent and took no crap and was a great role model for a girl to have. And while I can agree with her, it doesn't mean that I don't think I could be a great role model for a boy. I think I could raise a wonderful son that could grow into a stellar young man. I think a boy can learn a LOT from his mother and then when he grows up to be someone's husband one day, he can thank his mom for helping him be that man. I really respect women who raise good sons. My DH is one and as much as my MIL drives me nuts, she did a great job. I want that chance too.

Ok that's a run off tangent. I know nothing I say will help at this time, but just know that you're normal and allow yourself to hurt and grieve. And never say no to #4 if it means it will help you find peace. You never know what lies ahead. I know a friend who has has 4 sisters and the youngest is a brother and she openly states "My parents kept going b/c my Dad really wanted a boy" and she says her family isn't affected by that admission at all. They're all very close and loved by their parents.

[begonia]

Begonia, you are really smart too--I wish I'd had the foresight to know how much I really, really needed #3 (which turned out to be #3 and #4) to be a boy. We would have adopted then. But it feels so very disloyal and awful to say that because as girlie as they are, they are treasures, each one, and the thought of not having them is...well, unthinkable.

Will we keep going? Our plan was to have 2. Then DH agreed (gritting his teeth) to 3. We ended up with 4. And now I'm pressing for #5 (because really their sibling relationships are precious)...the answer is we'll see.

Thanks 4D; hindsight is 20/20 isn't it ... ah well, I do completely, 100% agree that the thought of not having either of my DD's (and I am sure I will feel the same about DD3) is just unbearable. I adore them. Isn't that just the crazy part of GD? To be totally in love with your kids and at the same time, so badly wishing you had one of a different gender. Baffling. I can understand why people who've never experienced it find it so appalling.

Sibling relationships are precious ITA. FX DH either gets on board for #5 or you find peace and closure.

[begonia]

Thanks, Envisioned ... I feel the same when I read your posts, so much of what you say is precisely how I feel in this situation! I really have appreciated you sharing as much as you do.

The negative thinking is certainly not helping my morale or even the possibility of my dream coming to fruition (you know the whole positive thinking begets positive results aka The Secret etc).
So ... here's what's funny, I TOTALLY refused to picture anything but a boy when we decided to TTC. For the 6 weeks up to my attempt (though I did diet and supps for 9 months prior) I visualized that boy. I don't regret it, but I do think it's part of the reason my GD got to me so much this time. I had convinced myself he was real. DH keeps saying maybe he is, but maybe THIS pregnancy never was supposed to be him. Who knows? I do think it's worth believing you can do it though; I mean, honestly, I've never achieved anything I didn't think I could do, KWIM? There have been things I knew would be tough, but I've never doubted my ability to get what I want ... and that's again where this whole gender thing has been hard. I can't think of a single goal I've ever set that I didn't hit, both in business and in my personal life. I'm very "boy mom" in that aspect, LOL. So the fact that this X or Y sperm thing is uncontrollable? I hate it.

Just b/c I want to do HT, doesn't mean it will be a possibility.... Then the reality sets in of actually doing it and suddenly you're swaying again. It's a vicious cycle.
HT is a long hard road, that's for sure. Swaying is far cheaper and I've always gotten pg so easily (fertility is a blue sign, LOL) that I figured it was a good shot this time. That's another thing that has been tough ... every "scientific" or psychological theory about "boy" parents vs "girl" parents put DH and I firmly in boy. So I thought SURELY it is just the fact that I don't eat enough meat or lift enough weights ... But I do think swaying has merit or I never would have tried it.


When we write or read on here, we usually are in a bad place. When we're out living our normal lives, things don't seem as dark. So when they do, we come here and vent and when we read them back later on, half the time it's like "yeah right, wishful thinking" or complete shame in what we wrote b/c we love our kids and it's hard to convey the difference to people that a lot of the GD isn't about not loving your kids. It's also about longing to love and experience the kids that you don't have.

Best part about being here is people do get it; we all know we love our kids, KWIM? ITA with the thought about longing to love/experience the kids we don't have. That's a good perspective on it. And yes ... the other site is harsh lately. I don't post there but have read some of them and it's kind of a battleground rather than a support network.


I had a friend once tell me she thought I was the perfect mom to have a daughter b/c I was strong, independent and took no crap and was a great role model for a girl to have.

I get this frequently. My DD1 is a tomboy by nature, bless her heart ... since she could express a preference around age 2 she wanted to wear superhero shirts and jeans everyday, LOL. Her birthday parties are Batman, Scooby-Doo, etc. And women would always say how great it was that I "let" her be herself, but the thing is, I was GRATEFUL that she was that way. It has been far more difficult for me to buy DD2 the purple tutu's she likes than it ever was for me to get DD1 the Batman shirts. But like you said ... it's her childhood, not mine. Mine sucked and it is of paramount importance to me that my girls always know they are loved and supported. And that they have fun Even when their idea of fun is different than mine.

Ok that's a run off tangent. I know nothing I say will help at this time, but just know that you're normal and allow yourself to hurt and grieve. And never say no to #4 if it means it will help you find peace. You never know what lies ahead. I know a friend who has has 4 sisters and the youngest is a brother and she openly states "My parents kept going b/c my Dad really wanted a boy" and she says her family isn't affected by that admission at all. They're all very close and loved by their parents.

That's kind of DH's perspective on #4 ... neither of us ever really thought we'd have 4. Ever. But he's all in if it's what I want to do, and I'm beyond thankful that he's been supportive and understanding and flat-out wonderful about my GD. It's one of those reasons again that breaks my heart for NOT having a son, KWIM? I'm married to an amazing man and I'd love to have him raise another man to share his character. Love the story about your friend whose Dad admitted to going for the boy. I've wondered if my girls would feel like we "picked" a boy if we adopt, but at the same time, I think adoption is such an awesome thing for them to see. We'll see. Anyhow, I'm glad you're here. I'll be rooting you on if you decide to sway

[Iris_star]

no 4 is my limit, so if i dont get pink next time then that will be it

[xokatietatie]

Our fourth baby will be our final baby.

[kaseybaby]

I think about this often. The realistic part of me says no, because I don't want to be pregnant forever, I don't want to have babies too late into my 30's, financially I can't really swing more then 3 or 4, etc. But I can't get rid of this desire for a DD. It is killing me that I feel like I will never have one. If I ever fall pregnant and it is a boy, for my 3rd i will try to sway one more time. If that doesn't work then i will probably just stop at 3, but I know i will be crushed.