Dreading ultrasound on Monday.

[applesoup]

I have 3 boys & find out on Monday if I finally get ONE little girl...or another boy. I thought I was okay, until my friend asked me about it. Now I think I'm going to lose it.

I just. I really hope that I don't lose it. I hope that I can be just disappointed & not... devastated. I hope that I can look at my boys and see how much joy they bring me & realize that another boy will do the same. I hope it brings me closer to God. I hope it doesn't make me bitter.

Yet, on some level, I'm just not sure -realistically- how I could react better to it this time than I did last time. Ya know? DH had DS 1 & 2 hug me & give me kisses when I was crying after I found out about DS3. I just felt...out numbered & saddened by their non-female presence. Being with my boys made me more sad. I cried for 2-4 weeks straight. Moped and was in a depression about it until he was...1 year old?

On some level, I keep thinking that out of 4 kids I should (at least statistically) have the chance to have a girl...at least once. One! That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted. One. If not statistically, then God knows. He knows. And, being all-knowing, if He decides not to give me a girl. What then? What then?

I just don't even what to go down that road right now. What then. I can't keep having kids for the sake of getting a girl. DH won't get snipped because he's starting to think that a large family is God's plan for us. 5 boys?? 5 boys?? That's all I can think about. (5 boys sounds SO much different than 3 boys + 2 girls.) I'm not even sure I'd entertain a 5th unless DH scientifically had his sperm counted to PROVE that there's a girl in there. Wait, that'd be violating rule number 1: I can't keep having kids for the sake of getting a girl.

With DS2 & DS3 I went on ingender wrote a post like this & secretly hoped that I didn't have to return. (Don't take that the wrong way, I love you guys & SERIOUSLY have NO ONE I can talk to about this.) This time? I don't expect to hear girl. I really don't. I'm just trying to brace (once again) for the fall. For the devastation. For the pain. Never joy. Just more pain.

You know. I thought I was ready for Monday. But after talking about it for the first time, I'm not sure I am. After all, who really wants to hear "It's a boy!!!" for a FOURTH time?


God help me.

[TTC5]

Good luck!!!

[alreadyneedivf]

just wanted to wish you good luck and send you hugs!! I am really really hoping you hear girl!

[nuthinbutpink]

Do you really want to find out? I really hope it is a girl and then, of course, everything will be bright and shiny but it is a boy, will you be okay the rest of the pregnancy? I completely understand how you are feeling- I'm sure we all do. I think if I had a do-over, I would have not found out with DD3. I think it would have stung at birth but looking at a new baby is different than when it is out of sight in your belly.

Just a thought. Good luck with the scan if you do go! I hope you see pink!

[LolaInLove]

Be brave, honey. We are all here for you no matter what happens, and there are tons of women who have felt the same exact way. You could just be getting upset for nothing. But I hear you about the God thing....I have struggled with my belief since I have had 2 losses and can't seem to get pg again. And all I do is pray that I get a baby, either boy or girl, I don't even care anymore. Just try to relax this weekend and spend some quality time with your family. Monday may be glorious.....big hugs though.....I understand your nerves about this.

[Cinss]

FX you hear girl at your scan.

[Hobbermittens]

I don't know if this will help you, but 4 boys was my dream family. I never wanted daughters. I used to think everything happened for a reason, and we are given the children we end up with because they are meant to be with us for some reason or another... but when you desperately want something and don't get it, it is hard to see things that way. I really hope you hear girl on Monday...but if you don't, we are here to support you.

[KnockYourBallsOff]

Oh sweetie. I go team green for this reason. I understand. Although, I didn't REALIZE I wanted a girl until after DS3. So, I can only imagine how intense your GD is since you've dreamed of a DD for so long.

Be brave. Cry if you need to at teh u/s or at home. Then, if it is a boy, just go day by day and if possible, see a therapist. I really think it helps.

Did you get any nub shots?

[begonia]

Hugs Applesoup! You know there are so many of us who can identify. We're here for you, either to celebrate the news or to lift you up when you're struggling. FX that on Monday you get that feeling of joy so many of us long for.

And FWIW, my DH has said the same thing ... that maybe we are having DD3 because it wasn't God's plan for us to stop with 3 kids. But I find myself with you... I can't keep having kids to pursue having a son! For some of us clearly it doesn't matter what we wanted or felt more inclined to raise, our desired gender just isn't in the cards for us. At some point we have to accept it and move on. It's just flat-out hard and a perfect example of "life isn't fair."

Is DH going with you? Will you have them write it down or tell you while you're there in the scan? We'll all be thinking of you and keeping FX!

[applesoup]

Do you really want to find out? I really hope it is a girl and then, of course, everything will be bright and shiny but it is a boy, will you be okay the rest of the pregnancy? I completely understand how you are feeling- I'm sure we all do. I think if I had a do-over, I would have not found out with DD3. I think it would have stung at birth but looking at a new baby is different than when it is out of sight in your belly.

Here's my problems with waiting until birth:

1. If I wait until birth, then there will always be SOME part of me (up until the minute I look down between its legs) that will be HOPING for a girl. I hate to keep the hope alive only to be disappointed when I look down.

2. After DS3 was born (& I knew he was a boy before he was born), I was taken to my recovery room. And I was smitten to hold my little baby & glad it was all over. BUT, the nurse started talking about another little girl down the hall...and I was JEALOUS. I'm sitting there, holding my son, & I was jealous & sad that I didn't have a girl.

I really think if I wait, I'll have worse PPD than I did knowing.

It's hard, because I know I'll love the baby. I know I'll love holding him. It's just not realistic that I'll be happy to hear it's a boy.