Shocked about my babies gender disappointment!!!

[purplepoet20]

Kind of long but I need to explain...

I am the 3rd oldest of 8 kids (2 are step-sibs and 2 half-sibs). My older sister died 3 years before I was born. My brother and I were only 18mths apart and close as kids. When I was 4 and my little sister was born my parents split and my mom moved us to Illinois... My mothers family was odd. My grandmother hated her daughters and had 5g's and 1b.The middle child Janet was the same way and hated girls, she was 16 at that time. While we were there she watched us and spoiled my brother and as for me I was her victim. 16mths of extreme abuse and torture because I was a girl. My sister was lucky to be a newborn and was being cared for by my grandpa. I did repress the memories for a few years and started to remember them when I was 10 and at that timed learned about my older sister... a few years later I blamed her for what happened me because if she was alive maybe my aunt would have hurt her instead or being a big sis she would have helped me... I hate myself today for once thinking those thoughts. I did always wanted boys when I was younger, because I was afraid I would abuse a daughter.

When I was 16 I got pregnant and he was premature at 6mths gest and never took a breath. Many years later when I got pregnant again I did pray for a boy so I could have the boy I lost. Hearing James cry had more meaning to me and I held my boy for 6mths and never let him out of my sight. When hubby and I talked about more kids I only talked about wanting a girl, after loving my son so much I knew I could never hurt my child. Turned out I was already pregnant and at 18wks the US showed boy, a very clear boy. Hubby was happy but I hid my feelings with a smile until I was alone. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight. I felt like God was punishing me for something I did. I prayed for the rest of my pregnancy that the baby would be a girl or be stillborn... worst thoughts ever in my life. The second I saw Charlie I was in love. He looks like me and had such a sweet face. He was born with an ear tag (1/4in by 3/4in long) I blamed myself for it because I didn't want him. Within the first weeks I was so much in love and couldn't see my life without him.

I had started talking about baby #3 very early on and was often shot down. But hubby never went to get cut to prevent another baby from happening. I asked him to be open to talking when Charlie was 1yo and he agreed. He was the one who brought it up first and said he would like another one. My heart sank. I knew I had to start planning. But to also prepare myself for another boy. Not to hard this time because I know I love my boys with all my heart and no one could take that away.

I know there is a chance that I would have to live with 3 boys and the what if's. But when it comes down to it my boys are my life and another child no matter what the gender is will fit nicely in my heart.

[Belle]

Huge Hugs it takes big courage to share your experience

[angel in a pink sky]

You are amazing to overcome hardship and be such a loving mom. I hope you get everything you want and more.

[nuthinbutpink]

Thanks for sharing. I hope everything works out for the best!

[Hobbermittens]

I hope you get your girl this time. You have definitely earned her! Your sons sound wonderful, and I am sure they would love a baby sister or brother.

I am sorry you had such a rough upbringing... did your aunt ever go on to have her own children? If so, I hope she got help before hand so she could learn to be a decent parent.

[TTC5]

HUGE hugs! You have gone through one hell of a time no doubt about that!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[skrimpy]

(((hugs))) our past can be the toughest thing to deal with. It's a wonderful thing to be a parent yourself, though - you get the chance give your children a good, stable home life.

Don't beat yourself up with guilt for your feelings as a child or now... I also had really, really dark thoughts when my GD was the worst with the babe I'm pg with now. I'm ashamed of the thoughts that went through my mind, but I know that it is in the past. Guilt is not going to help me or my sweet baby. Just remember that even if we made mistakes/thought bad things in the past we can change now

I hope you get your DG this time around hun - it will be wonderful for you to nurture a little lady

[ELP]

What a sad start I truly hope you get your little girl soon and break the horrible hold those sad times had on you. Your boys sound absolutely adored and I'm sure if it was another little man come along he would showered in love from you all, but we'll keep our fingers secretly crossed for a lady xxxx

[atomic sagebrush]

So many of us (even the people who seem really together now) had horrible thoughts and even did horrible things during their darkest GD moments. But I promise that you can come back from even the worst GD and go on to find happiness even if you never get your desired gender.

I think for many of us who had rocky childhoods the idea of a girl that we can protect and raise in a better place than we were, is very healing.

(((hugs))) and I am praying that your little girl will come to you soon.

[begonia]

((HUGS)) purplepoet! ITA with Atomic ... whether it is boys or girls we want, it does seem that there are a number of those whose GD stems from something in their own childhood. I know mine does for sure.

FX you get your sweet daughter this time around.