Ow. Ow. Ow. This GD stuff HURTS.

[HopingWishingPraying]

So the other day my very last remaining "all boy mum" friend who "got it" a little bit had her third baby ... and of course it is a girl. I *knew* it must be a girl (she wasn't telling) as I saw her the day after her gender scan and she was radiantly happy, as opposed to me who could not leave the house for 4 days after my scan with #3 as I couldn't stop crying even to pick my kids up from school. But despite *knowing* in my heart she was getting a girl, it was still a slog in the guts when the text message came through. I am so happy for her but... owww, it hurts. I have been through this so many times in the last 4.5 years... when does it stop hurting so much? With her now a "girl mum" I feel like I have lost the last person in my life who I could talk a little bit about it to and who sort of understood. I am surrounded by people who do not understand and who I can not talk to without being judged harshly.

My friend did not believe in swaying at all and did not do anything to try to sway (I am sure she thinks I am silly for trying to sway) and I am so sure that she has "got the girl" whilst I will get the boy again despite my 5 months of starvation on the diet etc. It happened to me many times over when I did my strict IG sway for my DS3 - in fact I knew 5 people all giving birth at the same hospital within a week of me... and all 5 of them had girls whilst I got the boy (who I love to death and wouldn't swap for anything in the world of course.... but you guys know how it is). I just got back from visiting my friend and her bundle of pink at the hospital and my heart is in a million pieces. I held the little girl for an hour and breathed in all the pink, her pretty little face, her dainty little hands. My friend is so radiant and contented, so blissful that she has her long awaited daughter and all the things in her future which I dream of. She is at this very moment living out the things I have dreamed of for so many years and the moments I am so terrified I will never have. It is hard being so jealous when I just want to be happy for my good friend. I am so, so, so terrified of how devastated I am going to be if and when I find out it is not to be for me. I am 11 weeks pregnant and purposely not having a 12 week NT scan because I just cant risk seeing a boy nub...I cant do it. I cant find out till birth, I just cant. It is a long 8 month wait until then when I cant stop thinking about this day and night. I feel like I am trapped in this never ending GD... SO much anxiety about my sway and the baby in my belly. It is consuming me. I have been trapped in this GD for about 5 years and I have done everything I can to let it go, but it chases me and dogs me every day. Nothing I have ever tried has helped to make it go away. It steals so much joy. I feel helpless...I have done everything I can to try to escape this ... swaying my guts out twice but I am just so sure I am going to have another boy and never be free from these feelings. I love my babies so much... why is this so hard? Does it ever, ever end? Or will it be with me forever?

[wilma_five]

Let me be your living example that it can happen!!! I just found out yesterday I am expecting a girl after 5!!! boys. I did sway with this one but I did also sway with nr 3 (mildly) and nr 4 (hard). Always it was someone else who got the girl. I can relate to your feelings big time!! This might be your time, you have a big chance of being pregnant with a girl at this moment.

[PlanB]

It sucks. It's so hard and simply not fair.

I remember feeling wretched when I found out I wasn't having the gender I wanted and that was 2nd time round.

But I guess the only thing is for now, you just don't know. You shouldn't resign yourself yet. My mum had 3 boys then a girl. Just like that.

As for your friend having a girl 3rd time round, she could be lying. I tell everyone I didn't sway for baby 3 and I went hi-tech!!

[HopingWishingPraying]

Thanks all. I spent most of last night awake tossing and turning in angst, but with 24 hours distance from the bundle of pink I am feeling more sane again. You are right that it could still happen for me and I shouldn't count myself out yet... I just cant imagine it because as you say Wilma it is always someone else who gets the girl. All the better surprise if it does happen for me I guess! Thanks again for your kind posts, they did help.

[wilma_five]

Are you dutch?

[HopingWishingPraying]

Hi Wilma, no I am Australian. Why do you ask? I forgot to say congratulations on your girl... how totally awesome for you. You deserve it and you must be completely over the moon.

[Adia]

Thanks all. I spent most of last night awake tossing and turning in angst, but with 24 hours distance from the bundle of pink I am feeling more sane again.

When you have something in your face that you want so bad it only makes your head spin, just like you said...

I sincerely hope you get your girl.

[little_quickstepper]

Hi HopingWishingPraying,

I haven't really gone via the introductions yet, but your post resonated with me. I'm from the other side of the world but I'm about a week further ahead with my third pregnancy than you. Had my NT 12 week scan last week and it's looking extremely likely that DS4 is on his way. The experienced sonographer was very confident. And my husband and I swayed, properly and rigidly, for the first time (with DS2&3, twins, we just did a mild badly-timed Shettles attempt). I home cooked everything that we ate for two months solid, the hardest diet I've ever done. With this pregnancy it felt different, way more morning sickness, feeling really emotional, craving vegetables and carbs and going off meat, but that looks like it counted for nothing.

So for the first day of the news I was in shock, and I couldn't process it, and even my five year old son had GD!!! He had been wishing for a sister and partly we wanted to get a girl for him too. The second day I shut myself off and cried and found and read this forum (I swayed from info on IG) but couldn't bring myself to type. I felt so guilty for ignoring my kids the whole day. Then the third day I looked up about HT, since I'd never considered it before, obviously being lucky first time attempts on DS1 and DS4. DH's sister is currently having IVF for the usual infertility, they are both 39 and trying for their first, and there we are popping yet another one so there is also secret guilt on my part of, well, some people can't even have kids. But I know what you mean when you say you love your babies but hate the feeling of GD. It's the feeling you hate, the feeling of never knowing what a daughter will be/act/look like.

So DH is at least so sweet and sympathetic: he is probably thinking GD thoughts too but won't say it in front of me because the last thing he would want to do is make my GD worse rather than be quietly supportive. We had vowed, completely, that this would be our last baby, our last roll of the dice. That part is true for us: I'm done rolling the dice. I can't even look at swaying info now because I know that our dice has 'boy' printed on all 6 sides. So these last two or three days I've been reading about PGD/IVF. I said to DH, that I wouldn't know in a couple of years' time what I would actually feel like about having another kid, but with the absolute, well, 99.9% sure, chance that it's a girl if it works. So that's a pink baby or no more babies. I've been chewing on that idea for the past couple of days and I think that is how I will move through this pregnancy: by thinking of it as definitely my last boy but not necessarily my last child. Surprisingly, DH, who only ever wanted two kids, was in principle positive about the idea, which has made me... at peace with the idea of DS4 (at least in the last few days my GD has not been so bad). DH agreed with me that if we go HT we will go on an 'IVF tourism holiday' as he puts it, and not tell anyone, even immediate family, just pretend it was all natural, and what a lovely surprise!

Back to your case, I think for the sake of your growing, increasingly loved baby it would be good for you and him/her to enjoy the flow of more positive thoughts. Have you compared the scenario of finding out it's a boy at birth, and then working through your emotions then, when you have a newborn baby to deal with and hormonally, naturally, baby blues setting in on day 4-5, versus finding out next week or in the next month and then working through your grief? Or joy? You could have joy, you know: swaying is supposed to work 80% of the time according to one Dutch study, and you would be denying yourself that joy for the next 6-7 months. Just a thought, I like my news earlier so I have more time to make plans and work through whatever emotions may come.

DS1 (2007), tiniest angel (2009), DS2&3 twins (2010), DS4 due July 2013 after hardcore sway

[wilma_five]

Because of the word "angst" in your text, it's dutch for fear!
But no, you are totally on the other side of the world

[RKT Mama]

Can totally relate. Currently pregnant after 3 boys, Swayed for DS3 but in retrospect pretty badly. Took me 7 months of hell to get pregnant but I know it wasn't a perfect sway and I am convinced it is a boy ( well most days) just because I really really want a girl. I am too scared to go for my anatomy scan in case I see a penis and then all hope is destroyed.
I work in a maternity unit and despite the fact that statistically at least 50% of the women have girls, it hurts every time, especially the families that don't seem to deserve any kids let alone a girl.
My arch nemesis ( aka my boss) is 32 weeks pregnant after one boy. Don't know what it is yet but I know I will be very angry if she gets a girl and I don't.
The other day I came out of the supermarket with my kids being their normal loud selves and some crazy old lady tells me "someone has to raise the boys". Yeah, like I chose this!
I really hope for your sake that you get your girl, but if not, you get a really wonderful one instead.