I hope you don't mind...

[3maybe4]

I'm really struggling. I just found out I'm having my 4th boy and I'm not sure I'll survive it. I don't want to hurt the baby I just wish I could stop being pregnant and my husband won't consider adoption and I don't want another boy. I don't want my step daughter to come for Christmas just so I know how much I'll never get a daughter. I'd prefer hubby to go see his family with her and I'll just be alone. I have zero feeling for the baby, no love, no feeling at all. I just wish I wasn't pregnant.

I am a horrible person, a terrible human being to not even love my own baby and be grateful.

I feel sick, I am a complete a-hole. How can I feel like this. Every bit of my intuition felt it was a girl and I was wrong.

I can't take birth control due to a medical condition and we had one moment where we didn't get the condom on straight away and I'm pregnant. This wasn't planned. I wanted to go to Thailand for gender selection IVF...that was my next step before considering another pregnancy but my body had other idea's.

Unless by some miracle to ultrasound tech was wrong (I'm 16 weeks) I think I'll end up with post natal depression. I couldn't even bring myself to eat after I found out I have no desire to do anything.

Sorry for my rambling please don't tell me how awful I am I already know....I just needed to get this out

[Mabel_79]

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. But please don't feel bad. You have only just found out and it has been a shock. You will need time to come to terms with it.

When I found out I was having boy number three after a really full on gender sway attempt I was devastated. I sobbed for 2 days and sat in bed googling late term abortion and adoption and sobbing even more as I knew I could never do that.

I cancelled all my midwife appointments as I no longer wanted to acknowledge my pregnancy. I felt I would never love and bond with this baby. I also thought if something went wrong with this one then I could get one more chance at having my girl.

I came on here and got some great advice from other ladies. I have 'named' him (probably not the name he will ultimately be called as I'm stuck on that one, but a little pet name). I started planning his nursery and buying some new baby clothes- really cute bright ones that are NOT BLUE.

As each day goes by my Gender dissapointment gets less and my desire to meet my little man increases.

I even treated myself to the cutest pink changing bag that I was going to get if it was a girl- I thought what the heck- I'm the one carrying the bag, not the baby and I'm a girl!

I still have bad days- I can't go on the Forum where the ladies I was 'swaying' with are finding out they are having girls and even facebook where friends post pics of their little baby girls. Today I felt particularly low again, but generally I don't spend every minute obsessing about it. Have even stopped having gender related dreams too!!

Take it day by day, but I am sure that as each day goes by it will feel a little better, and don't beat yourself up for all these feelings you are having now. Think it is a natural reaction to the loss of something you desperately wanted.

Hope it steadily gets better of you and feel free to come and vent/moan on here whenever you want. We also have a thread on here at the moment for all us Mummies who are expecting boys when we wanted girls where we are sharing our cute boy clothes/nursery purchases to cheer us up and prove boys clothes can be fab too.

Hugs,
Bel x

[Beckey]

Your not a bad person!! We are all on this forum because of our sad feelings with the gender of our unborn bubs. It's really really hard. I also went through a stage of wishing I wasn't pregnant at all. I am depressed but don't want to talk to anyone as I feel these are things we are not supposed to say aloud, let alone feel. Just know your not alone, or a horrible person!

[3maybe4]

Thank you, I just don't know where to go from here.

I just keep wishing I wasn't pregnant. I am not showing and I just want this all to go away. I don't want to eat, or move or do anything.

I thought if I got into a car accident and I had a miscarriage I would feel relief. Which is the worst thought that's ever entered my mind. I feel like a monster but I don't want another boy, I don't love the baby like I should.

I hate myself, I've failed and I don't want to keep going. Why is life so cruel...

[RKT Mama]

Thank you, I just don't know where to go from here.

I just keep wishing I wasn't pregnant. I am not showing and I just want this all to go away. I don't want to eat, or move or do anything.

I thought if I got into a car accident and I had a miscarriage I would feel relief. Which is the worst thought that's ever entered my mind. I feel like a monster but I don't want another boy, I don't love the baby like I should.

I hate myself, I've failed and I don't want to keep going. Why is life so cruel...

Life is cruel in that you haven't got the baby you hoped for. It's unfair and horrid and you need to give yourself time to grieve.
At the same time you have other kids and this baby that love and need you. Do you know what will be worse than not getting the baby you hoped for?: loosing this baby or one of your other kids.

You ask what now? Very simple, find a good spot and cry it out, then pull up your socks and start living. You don't love or want this pregnancy right now, that's fine but start faking it: act excited, buy some cute clothes, work out some smart comments for the stupid comments that stupid people will make, take care of yourself and this baby and eventually it will become genuine. You will love this baby, you will find peace and it will all work out. Be kind to yourself because it hurts but you need to also be tough on yourself to pull yourself out of the rut before it consumes you.

[Mabel_79]

RKT is right. I know how horrible you feel right now. I lay in bed for two days and DH had to take time off work and take over the running of the house because I felt do 'depressed'. But I soon realised how it was affecting my other children. They were sad and worried to see their Mummy like this.
I love my boys more than anything in the World and the thought of hurting them was awful.
So I got out of bed and carried on with my life.

The comment 'fake it till you make it', has helped me a lot. I really didn't want to face other people, even friends and family and see their reactions or even worse their pity.
So I started telling everyone I met, with a big (fake) smile on my face, how I'm having another boy and how our family is now complete.
The more you say something the more you start to believe it.

If you are feeling seriously depressed then I suggest you book an appointment with you doctor. Ante-natal depression is a real and recognised condition and your doctor and midwife will be able to support you through the rest of your pregnancy.

Try completely forgetting about this baby that you don't want right now and concentrate on the lovely boys you do have, just till you feel you can face the World again if that's easier. I didn't announce my pregnancy till after my 20wk scan- mainly because of my miscarriage last yr, but it made it easier in a way with the whole GD too as I essentially didn't think or talk about it for a long time. By the time it was public I was showing and feeling lots of kicks which has made it easier to 'bond' with him.

Really thinking of you and hope you start to feel better soon. All of us in this forum know how crushing GD can be so you will find lots of support and no-one will judge you xxxx

[Adia]

I don't have time to write a long response but please believe me you will get better with time. Turn in to a robot right now and do what you have to do to get through one day at a time and things will improve.
Many of us understand how you feel and where you are coming from. You are not a horrible person and all the thoughts and feelings you listed in your original post ran through my head too when I found out DD3 was ANOTHER girl.

Hang in there, wherever you are don't forget that people like me are out here hoping and praying that time eases your hurt and we do understand.......and we still like you!!!

BIg hugs mama...

[3littleladies]

Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, its ok, you are not a monster or a bad person/mother, you wanted a daughter.

Each one of your boys has a purpose in this life and they have chosen you as their mother, it will all make sense one day you will see.