last child, if our hardcore sway fails and we have ds3 how would i feel?

[Doublechoc]

hi ladies, i'd like to get your thoughts on this if you don't mind as i'm struggling a little and would like to find out if any ladies here had a failed sway with their last child and how life is now?

i'm 40 and having been through HT unsuccessfully 3 times for our last child, we have 2 ds's, love them to bits but would dearly love a dd. We did HT because i didn't think i could handle another ds, even went into therapy after our 2nd failed attempt to help me understand my obsession... had my childhood pulled apart, lots of tears, but i'm okay, i'm not a nutter!!

So we are currently swaying, 3rd attempt we fell pregnant but sadly had a chemical over the weekend (extra hormonal right now i admit) clearblue digi's all pregnant then a week later bleeding and not pregnant! life can be so cruel i am logical, knew the risks, during our HT journey i was kindly told how bad our embryos were, trisomy 21, 18, turners ..... so when we fell we were cautious but still couldn't help thinking into the future as you do... its going to be more miss than hit at my age, i am ready to toughen up but i am starting to get cold feet. i started back on the diet this week hoping to attempt july and deep down i'm worried that if i get that far, how would i feel if our sway failed? i'm sure we would love the little boy dearly, that is a given but going back to the baby stage, rewinding our lives and still having that missing person feeling, how will it be??...

if i feel like this now should i really be swaying? they say only sway if you can handle a failed sway, but honestly how do you know how you would really feel until it happens?? will i become that woman who puts on a fake smile pretending i always wanted 3 boys, that life is great when inside i feel that overwhelming emptiness and feelings of failure. A 3rd child will definitely change the dynamics in our family, bigger car, less sleep, more expenses, more juggling, more noise... i don't know if i'm ready for that if it was another boy... i feel so sad and such a bitch just saying that... but i am bottom line feeling the fear!!

any thoughts, experiences or advise much appreciated. thank you, feel free to be blunt.. i need to hear it

[nuthinbutpink]

I think your concerns are completely valid. I am going to assume adoption is out then?

It's hard because you can't have a DD if you don't try but you could end up with DS number 3. I think you will be sad initially and you would have to work through that but unless you are open to adoption, there are just no guarantees.

I wish you luck and I am sorry that HT did not work out. You could try donor eggs too!

[Doublechoc]

hi nuthinbutpinkthanks for your reply, good to know i'm not crazy! yes we have thought of adoption, did some research earlier this year buts it going to be hard ecause we are a mixed race (is that still a pc term?) couple and babies of my ethnic group do not often come up, but they might, other option is overseas adoption which we have considered... donor eggs again difficult to find of my ethnic group.

i used to be on ig, so remember you from the HT boards, i see you have 3 girls, do you mind me asking if you swayed for any of them? what would you have done if you didn't get your HT ds? just interested to in the wwyd scenarios...

thanks again

[rainbowflower]

aww I wish I had some magic answers for you... only you can decide what you will regret more - giving it everything and possibly not conceiving at all (since most things swaying pink reduce fertility) or possibly conceiving another DS but knowing that you gave it your best shot, or to not try and sway and not risk the disappointment if you get a DS

feeling this way does NOT make you a horrible person - you have dreams for the DD you long for, if you don't have her you will grieve her

[nuthinbutpink]

hi nuthinbutpinkthanks for your reply, good to know i'm not crazy! yes we have thought of adoption, did some research earlier this year buts it going to be hard ecause we are a mixed race (is that still a pc term?) couple and babies of my ethnic group do not often come up, but they might, other option is overseas adoption which we have considered... donor eggs again difficult to find of my ethnic group.

i used to be on ig, so remember you from the HT boards, i see you have 3 girls, do you mind me asking if you swayed for any of them? what would you have done if you didn't get your HT ds? just interested to in the wwyd scenarios...

thanks again

It's a great question. When I first thought HT didn't work(after my fresh BFN) and didn't really have hope for the FET, I had a moment where I thought I would cycle again and it can be very addicting that way. I had told my DH to just give me one try so I can get it out of my system and that is all he had agreed to.

After my first cycle which was cancelled due to no response, we did try swaying 2 months and I did not get pregnant. I kind of freaked out thinking that it might have worked and I realized that I just couldn't do that again so for me, the 3 girls would have been it. I don't think I would have tried again but it is hard to say.

I am glad we had 3 kids. I would try and have 3 kids no matter what. 3 to 4 was too much for me if they were all the same gender. I had a friend once tell me that she did not like hanging out with her DS' family at the holidays- not because she doesn't like them, she actually really likes his parents, but that it was very boring because he just had one brother and he was a little flaky so if he decided not to show up at family gatherings, it would just be she and her DH and their kids with his parents and she is one of 4 kids so she was not used to that at all.

So, no matter the gender, I would choose to have 3 kids no matter what. I am one of several and I cannot imagine only 2 kids. It is a lot of fun with a bunch of us at holidays, family gatherings, etc and I would not change that for the world.

Good things come in three's, right?!

[Doublechoc]

I am glad we had 3 kids. I would try and have 3 kids no matter what. 3 to 4 was too much for me if they were all the same gender. I had a friend once tell me that she did not like hanging out with her DS' family at the holidays- not because she doesn't like them, she actually really likes his parents, but that it was very boring because he just had one brother and he was a little flaky so if he decided not to show up at family gatherings, it would just be she and her DS and their kids with his parents and she is one of 4 kids so she was not used to that at all.

So, no matter the gender, I would choose to have 3 kids no matter what. I am one of several and I cannot imagine only 2 kids. It is a lot of fun with a bunch of us at holidays, family gatherings, etc and I would not change that for the world.

Good things come in three's, right?!

and a fantastic reply back thank you! gosh i totally see where you are coming from, my dh thinks that 3 is the magic number!! i've always envisioned 3 kids and since we became 4 I have always felt that there should be another someone around our dining room table... now my body just has to work!

[zanacal]

I'm so sorry for your loss x

In all honesty, if we had 3 children of mixed gender then there's no way we'd be trying for another. I love having 3 children and, in fact, I love having 3 boys (I know that's the complete opposite of what I've just said!). Our house is certainly noisy and crazy and we're late for everything but we're happy and the boys are very close - they don't try to kill each other that often I'm quite resigned to having a fourth boy and although what I want most of all is a little girl I'll accept that I'm only to be a boy mum if I do all that I can to sway pink and still don't succeed. I will certainly be sad to never have a daughter but I'll know we tried. I think I'm going to be busy in 20 years with lots of grandchildren - DS1 tells me he'll have 4 kids and DS2 is going to have 10! I guess they like big families too

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I have 3 girls. After my 2nd girl, I was completely obsessed that I felt I wanted to birth like go- intended. With #2, I tried a Vaginal Birth after cesarean and it failed at the end. So something I was not able to let go was to birth. I wanted to feel that I did not want to live the rest of my life with only c-sections. I also had baby fever and I missed a baby. So I said I will try another VBAC and I will try to sway for a boy. I had hope that swaying would help me. I had a 3rd girl and I VBACed. It was amazing more than anything in life can put a price on. My dream came true. I delivered her vaginally.

What do you think happened after that, I went back on ingender and I was so upset over the gender. Even the entire pregnancy I was inside a lot very depressed. But after 3 of the same, I would only have #4 if it were a boy. I would give HT a try and if it does not work, hope I can make peace with "at least I tried". But I would NOT have a 4th girl.

Jealousy is hard when you have 3 of the same and friends or family you find out are having #3 or #2 being the opposite gender of what they have. Comments that people will make are very hurtful. Realizing how it is out there with those comments had me sheltered very long. I just started to go out more now and the baby is 1 year old. It weakens you if you cannot handle it. I also put on that smile and say how happy we are with 3 of the same. What else can you do? But it tears me apart inside.

Sorry for rambling. I am so tired.

Good luck.

Make sure you can handle another of the same gender.

[Azuremyst]

Wow congrats on your VBA2C, sometimes I just want another to get that vaginal birth. I had a 10lb. 3oz. baby girl on 4/7/11 so c-section it was. It took several weeks to heal emotionally, the scar healed up fast no problem. My scar is on the inside. I think im really ok now, she's 2 months old and im moving on from it.

GL OP!

[SugarSpice&EverythingNice]

I could have written your post, and I actually wrote something very similar on this forum a day or so ago. Honestly, if I sway hard and brace myself that it could be a boy or a girl. I have to realize that its like 50/50 what you get (yeah I know swaying increases the odds).....but if I got DS3.....I would cry. A lot. And then I would make sure to start saving for HT. I would be one of "those" people who keep trying for a DD (a mom with like 50 boys haha)

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think, IFFF I can't handle another boy, then MAYBE i shouldn't even try to get pregnant, because there is a 50/50 chance I will get another boy.