Feeling alone....

[kellbell827]

Well we got our MaterniT21 results today and it says we are having another boy. I don't know if I should even be posting this b/c I know that I am blessed to have one of each gender and I should be grateful for that. I just really had my heart set on another girl. I have been thinking all day about why this was so important to me, trying to do some self-reflection and gain some insight.

I am happy that we have a healthy baby and felt so much relief to know all was well after having two miscarriages in the last year but there is still a feeling of sadness about the baby not being a girl. I keep telling myself that I have a wonderful little girl and an amazing little boy and I will now have another precious son but that longing is still there. I feel really dumb for feeling this way, especially when I know there are so many that have not gotten their desired gender and my heart aches for you. I have said all along since my last miscarriage, a healthy baby is what matters, but when we told my daughter (almost 4) today that she was getting another brother, I started crying too when she got upset and said she really wanted a sister.

I am just feeling kind of stupid and alone b/c I don't want to seem ungrateful for the two amazing babies I have and the third one on the way. But this may be our last baby...depends on a lot of factors at this point and even if we try again, we can't go hi tech so there is just as much chance of getting another boy still. My DH would've been happy w/ either but I know he wanted another boy. His response when I told him this morning, "Haha I knew it". When we were talking later, he didn't realize how much that hurt my feelings when he said that. Meanwhile, my heart aches for more pink, for me and my DD.

And there is an underlying fear about having a healthy DS. My brother is on the autism spectrum, my cousin is on the autism spectrum, I work with kids on the spectrum on a daily basis for my job but yet I am absolutely terrified of having a son with autism. I think that's where the strong desire for a girl comes from. I know that I could also have a daughter with autism but I know it is more likely with a boy. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids I work with and my relatives, but I have also seen how hard it can be to have a child with special needs. My mother carries a lot of guilt about my brother's diagnosis and raising a child with special needs definitely took a toll on my parents' marriage. I am scared of having a child with autism and then not knowing what to do and it taking a heavy toll on my own family, as I have seen what it did to my family of origin. This is probably coming out all wrong. I feel like such a horrible person right now. Sigh...

[boymommyx3]

You are not a horrible person, you are disappointed and sad because you had a dream for another DD and your dream isnt coming true(at least for now). I couldnt agree more in regards to fears of raising a child with special needs, especially being pregnant with a boy.
I just found out today that we are expecting our 4th boy. I too had 2 miscarriages, one of which was a DD. I should be grateful and happy to be blessed with another DS and healthy pregnancy but I am devasted that i wont have the opportunity to raise a daughter.
Hang in there, i am hoping that with time our GD will slowly resolve. You are not alone and you are entitled to your feelings and disappointment. It doesnt mean you dont love this little guy, just that you are mourning the loss of the DD you thought would be joining your family.
Take care! Best wishes!

[gafan]

Hello kellbell. I agree with boymommyx3. You are not a horrible person. You are grieving the dream of another DD. Of course you are sad. And to have the worry of autism on top of that sounds awful.
Hang in there and try not to be too hard on yourself for having the feelings you are having. I found out on Friday at my scan that I'm having a boy. I swayed girl and this is my first and probably only baby, so I'm having GD too... I felt sad and disappointed and surprised and guilty for feeling so down about it. I think it is normal to feel guilty about feeling so bad when you have the good news of a healthy baby. So if you feel bad or guilty or sad maybe you could practice being kind to yourself?

[kellbell827]

Thank you so much for the support ladies. I really appreciate it. I am feeling a little better today - I am just trying to absorb it all and make sure that I really am able to bond w/ this little man. I feel such a strong bond w/ DS1, he is such a mommy's boy lol, so I hope that I have that to look forward to. I just can't help but also feel bummed. I worry about my DD b/c I was, and still am, very careful about what I would say around her regarding what I wanted as far as the next baby but she always referred to the baby as "she". I am confident that she will be just fine once she realizes that she can be "Miss Mommy" to another little brother as well but her response yesterday was just so heartbreaking, and it made me feel even worse. =\ I am really hoping that in a few years we can add one more child to our family and that that child will be a little girl. I know that I will be more committed to swaying the next time b/c honestly, I was new to the whole idea and in such a hurry to get pregnant that it was probably a pretty weak sway. In the meantime, I am really trying to focus on this little man and incorporating him into our family. We have a few different names but can't quite seem to agree just yet.