How do you cope with friends with the desired gender?

[Lissa]

A very good friend recently miscarried twin girls. My heart completely breaks for her. I feel awful -- she has a little boy already and really wanted a girl. She also has a history of miscarriages and the whole thing is tragic.

But, I was thinking... in real life, I am not close to anyone with daughters. My sister, my friends -- all boys or no children. I do not know how I would cope with someone having a daughter. I imagine my friend -- and while my heart truly is broken for her -- I know that I would have had difficulty being a very good friend once her daughters were here. A few less-close friends, I just drifted away from entirely when they had girls (I don't even send perfunctory Christmas cards). Maybe it sounds really shallow, but it hurts. It hurts to know the one piece I wanted for my family will never be... and others have it.

But, if my sister-in-laws ever have daughters, do I just stop going to family functions with my husband's family? If good friends do end up with daughters, do I just stop returning phone calls and let it fade away.

How do you cope with it? What do you do?

[atomic sagebrush]

It really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I mean I had some yucky moments with my niece especially when I was pg with DS 3, I don't enjoy her birthday parties AT ALL still even though I'm ok with my GD these days, but at the same time, I was never plummeted into assuming a fetal position or crying over it or anything even at my worst (and I was crying and in a fetal position a LOT during that time LOL.)

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

I wouldn't have known this at first, it was only after I forced myself to face the experience a couple times and be around some little girls that I realized I wasn't jealous and I didn't want any of them. The person who I would be jealous of doesn't exist.

It bugs me WAY more when people who I think are just vile, get their DG. WAY more because it feeds the "universe hates me" aspect of my GD. That part, I still really struggle with sometimes.

[Claire]

I worry about this quite a bit. Our currently infertile friends could get pregnant any day, and I have a terrible fear of how I will react if they have a girl. I'm not really close to the woman, so it won't ruin a good friendship or anything, but the idea of it will mess me up, I think.

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

ITA with this. A lot of the time, it's the idea of a girl that hurts so much. When you're in a situation with one specific girl, and you get to see how she acts and dresses, you realize that you'll only feel satisfied with a little girl if she's yours.

That doesn't mean that seeing the clothes and the hair and the non-truck toys won't hurt. But hopefully it won't be that deep, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing an anonymous pretty girl in the store.

[ThinkPink]

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. .

Exactly!! I try to remeber this everytime I find out someone else is having agirl, TRY to be happy for them! I do get jealous sometimes and it annoys me if people are smug about it. Though sometimes when people get their DG, especially after 1/2/3 of the same gender it gives me hope that I will one day get mine!

[all3lovecars]

I understand that, a friend of mine is going to be having her baby shower on Jan 22nd for her 2nd girl (that is what she wanted) and I dont know if I can even go If I hear "Its a boy" for the 4th time. I am not sure it is enough time between now and then to cope with the my GD for my dear daughter I will never have.

[Claire]

I understand that, a friend of mine is going to be having her baby shower on Jan 22nd for her 2nd girl (that is what she wanted) and I dont know if I can even go If I hear "Its a boy" for the 4th time. I am not sure it is enough time between now and then to cope with the my GD for my dear daughter I will never have.

If you hear boy, don't torture yourself: stay home from the shower. (Come down with a very convenient cold.)

[RedCanoe]

I don't want any of those girls, I wanted MY GIRL. I've found very little difference to me between other people's girls and other people's boys to me. They're not HER. I don't admire or like the toys they buy or the way they dress their little girls for the most part...even the way the little girls act is sort of repulsive to me. It sounds bad but I just instinctively think, she would have been, better, cuter, smarter...I don't have that jealousy for something I don't want if that makes any sense?

I'm like this too. I'm not really a kid person, and don't particularly like other people's kids. So even though there is a bit of jealousy when I hear that someone else is having a girl, their actual daughter doesn't make me feel bad or jealous. It's not MY GIRL. Well said!

[domestic bliss]

atomic sagebrush: soooo well-said. I couldn't have said it better. The only exception is my brother's dd, who (I think and everyone says) looks and acts just like me! She is soooo precious in her mannerisms, the way she talks, I am just head-over-heels in love with her, and my brother is totally sweet and supportive toward me knowing that I would give just about anything to have my dd someday, but it just hurts in my bones. It makes sense what you said about the "universe hates me" part of GD. I get that alot. I think about "am I not a good enough person" or "why am I being punished" sorts of thoughts... I am totally looking forward to having our third little man, because I love him and will surely be absolutely crazy about him, but I soooo mourn the loss of the little girl who didn't come to us, and the fear that she may NEVER come to us... and the fear behind the future -- to go high tech, will it work, how will we manage all of the details from Europe to the U.S., what if it doesn't work, would I be willing to try swaying again, can I even handle 4 kids?????.... So many questions and fears and unknowns... and life has already thrown us a lot of hardballs in the last 5 years...

Anyhow, sorry for my pity-party. I just really liked what and how you said that. It rings so true and it really helps to feel less alone in this tough journey of GD.....

[mybluepilot]

Ok so I totally understand how you feel!!
However to me depends who is having my desired gender, my sister and brother had each a boy I was SUPER happy now my sister in law who also has two girls is prego if I find she is having a boy I am sure I will be DEVESTATED just because it is HER not baby she is a bit$$ and anyways just think if one day you will have you desired gender he /she will be the most precious baby you have ever seen

[Julianna]

I have a very difficult time being close to anyone once they have a daughter! My best friend of 20 years and I barely talk anymore, and I think a lot of our "problems" may actually be due to my issues with her having a daughter. She had her first child (a girl) when my first boy was 18 months old. It didn't bother me at first because I just assumed I would have my own girl next time. Well, now I have had 2 more boys, and I almost can't deal at all with anyone that has girls. I mean...I wanted all girls, and I don't even have one!!! :-(

If my brother and SIL ever have a girl, I will probably just lose my mind. Their two boys are already very much the "favorites" in my parents eyes, and I don't need them to have a girl just to rub it in further!

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't cope well at all with this! Until I have a daughter of my own...I don't think I ever will! :-(