Depression?

[TaniaLl]

So here I am... a week and 2 days after getting the news that we are having DS2. I really felt this was my little girl. We have been through such a journey and right now I just feel cheated.We started with HT at the beginning of the year, which is a hard and tolling process. After everything, it did not work for us. So I started swaying hard core; I was hungry all the time!!! Completely changed everything to make myself girl friendly... diet, supplements, douching... I ate no meat, no chicken. I did everything to the T! We had a chemical the month before we actually conceived... and when we got our BFP I really felt it was a girl!!

My husband and mom called her by the name we picked out, they were sure it was a girl and would tell everyone! I loved how positive they were but it made me a bit nervous. I did feel that this pregnancy was completely different then the first though...With DS1 I NEVER got sick, my hair got pretty and I would have to shave my legs everyday! I was glowing and my skin was so nice. This time around, I was constantly sick and nauseous, my skin is horrible, the hair on my legs has completely slowed down in growing... I shave like once a week! I am NOT glowing!

I really was convinced! Last week, at 14 weeks, we went to a place where they do elective ultrasounds to find out gender. I was so nervous I told the lady to just write it down, but my DH was looking at the screen and he looked like he just got punched! I knew right then it was a boy I had to look at the envelope on the ride home to confirm, and yup, it's a boy... another little turtle, just like the first time.

Ever since that day, I have cried every single day... my body just feels weak and I don't want to talk much to anyone. I have told some people, but I dread doing it... I am dreading telling his family, they all favor girls! The first thing I heard when I told them DS1 was a boy was "Awwww, you'll get your girl next time!". MY DH has a son and a daughter, they are older, but I felt like I wanted to give him OUR daddy's lil girl.

I didn't grow up with my mom, I didn't have that mother-daughter relationship, my mom didn't take me to buy dresses or do my hair, she didn't help me with my prom dress... we didn't have that. I have always longed for that bond, ever since I was little, and I figured I would get to have it with my own daughter one day... seemed right! Well I guess not.

My family wanted a girl too, and I just feel like I let everyone down. I feel bad but I don't want to touch my belly, I am not excited anymore. My husband was supportive the first couple of days but now he is just upset. He says I better get over this because it's going to upset our child, which I understand, but he does not understand how much this is affecting me. My appetite is gone, and I just want to cry all the time.I feel like I will always miss my little girl and I know I will love this baby when he is born, I just feel like i am always going to be sad.

If you've read all this... thank you. I just needed to vent and I guess know if this will get better. I don't know how to make myself feel better.

Thank you ladies.

[Adia]

Big hugs honey...I KNOW you are in a dark place. Things will get better once you aren't pregnant and their is a baby to hold.
Is this your last or are you and DH planning on more children? Is IVF/PGD an option?

[Pink rose 76]

Arrh bless Hun. I know exactly how you feel. I really thort I was havin a girl with my ds 2, same reasons as yourself, different symptoms. When he was born( as we didn't find out) I was in total shock. But I fell in love with him, he was so fragile and gorgeous. I felt so guilty for wanting him to be a girl. I wudnt have it any other way. He is my little baby boy, always will be. My first was always 'the perfect' child did everything wen he shud, sometimes a bit serious and grumpy, and my second is the comedian child, who certainly brings out the fun in everyone. I love the fact he boosts my older sons confidence and they get on so well.

When your little baby is born I'm sure you will love him and smother him with cuddles n kisses. You will see you wudnt have it any other way. Some things happen for a reason, and if you do still want your girl. There's no reason why you can't try again sometime after your new little boy.

We are here if you need to vent. I understand, I've tried so many times to tell friends and then I bail. I just don't want to see that look on my friends ' faces, they'll think I'm mad wanting a baby of a specific gender. But that's how it is for some of us and alot of people out there dont understand our sadness AND don't have sympathy. But that's why you're here, cos we all do xxxx

[covered in blue]

I'm so sorry Tania. I know how you feel. I've experienced GD to some extent 3 times now and I can honestly say it will get better and you will fall in love with this new little boy. He may not be your little girl and you may want to try again or go HT sometime in the future but he will be perfect for your family. Once you see him and hold him and you see the bond that comes between brothers it will all be OK. Brothers are awesome and they will have so much fun together. Give yourself some time to grieve and heal and readjust your dreams of your family. 1 week is not long. It took me about a month to stop crying all the time with my last. Try looking on the internet for nursery ideas for little boys or learn to knit or sew something for him. You will get there. It just takes time xxx

[TaniaLl]

Adia- we did do IVF with PGD and it did not work. The only reason we were able to do it is because the insurance said they would pay for it. Of course now they refuse to pay for the last of it and we are in debt. DH says we can go for number 3 but not for a while. That makes me so nervous though... I don't know if I could go through this again. I don't know what else I could have done swaying wise.

Thank you ladies for your words, it helps to hear from someone that has been there. This is really my only outlet, DH doesn't want to hear about it anymore so I really appreciate the support.

[Adia]

Vent away Tania....most of us who have more than one of the same gender have a specific baby that is our GD baby....and I can promise you my GD baby is my heart and soul. She owns my heart like no other. I was devastated when I found out she was another girl but she is my mini-me and sometimes my saving grace.

I had no idea how ridiculously difficult DD1 and DD2 were until I had DD3. I still hope for a boy, but I couldn't trade DD3 for anything.

Most of us who are here for gender desire purposes can promise you that soon you will be able to separate your love for DS2 from your longing for a daughter.

And you never know....Atomic is getting some pretty good results these days and fine tuning her sway tactics quite a bit so maybe in a couple years you will be able to approach a pink sway in a different way and increase your chances of a girl.

Big hugs mama, we understand your heartache. I haven't shared much of my GD sadness with DH either because even though he was devastated when we heard DD3 was ANOTHER girl he didn't want to hear about it once he was over it....my online friends have been my support.

[PrimalMamma]

Tania it's ok... Never apologise on Gender Dreaming for your GD. We get it, we really do. If your GD persists I really recommend hypnotherapy. I did it with DS2 & it was amazing. I forgot my GD within weeks & I was DEEPLY bonded to my son & my pregnancy well before he was born. I will absolutely do it again if my own current pregnancy turns out to be another boy (which I fully expect). Good luck mamma. Go gently xx

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I can relate completely to your feelings. When I found out DS2 was another boy (I just knew he was but I held hope) I was completely crushed. It's a very dark place to be and it truly is a form of depression that can be scary and seem never ending. There are degrees of GD and sometimes it's really bad and other days it's manageable, highs and lows. One thing I have learned in the past year of my DS2s life is that it DOES get easier and happiness will return. Give yourself time to grieve and know that you are never alone.

[covered in blue]

How are you doing now Tania?

[TaniaLl]

I think I have moved on from sad to mad. I am still sad and think about it all the time, I am just still avoiding the subject and not excited about this pregnancy at all. I do feel guilty, but I do not feel any attachment right now. I see everybody having little girls and just wonder why I couldn't have one. I tried so hard, I tried IVF with PGD, I'm healthy, and it didn't work. I tried swaying, and nothing...
Some people get what they want without even trying. I have a baby shower for my friend who is having a girl coming up and a bday party for a 1 year old girl coming up and i really don't want to go.

I feel like I'm taking it out on my DH and DS too, I have no patience and just mad all the time. I really don't know how to cope anymore.