Blaming myself and very angry too

[CattyPad]

Hi guys
Sorry I havent updated for ages but I have been feeling up and down, up when in denial and down when trying to accept.

I swayed for a girl and got pregnant straight away, first try, much to my surprise since my DS took 12 months to be conceived. I am now 18weeks pregnant, and at my 14 week scan my ob guessed boy. I actually asked him not to look at gender during the scan as I wasn't ready to know (I suspected boy due to boy nub guesses). But before leaving his office i asked him if he was leaning boy or girl and he said "don't throw your DS clothes away".

Half the time I am ok because I am in denial and hoping my ob was wrong, but the other half I am devastated. This is my last baby, and I officially won't have a daughter, ever. Please don't take this the wrong way but don't tell me about the fantastic bond my children will have etc, because that really doesn't help. Nothing does.
I am just so angry. Angry because I have read a trillion times "Timing doesn't work" but then I read all these stupid posts on the internet where all these women conceived their girls by dtd'ing 2/3 days before OV and I start thinking it was my stupid fault for conceiving on pos opk.

I also get angry with myself because I started TTC after one month of swaying (DS took so long and I am not that young that I thought it would take a few months) and got pregnant straight away. I should have waited right??

I am just so so so scared of having two boys. I am so angry with the world and the universe and everything you can think of. Things have been quite hard the last few years and I really thought it was time for some happiness. This is my last pregnancy and yet again I really am not enjoying it.

Sorry for the extremely long rant

[atomic sagebrush]

Well, I really hope you're not angry at me because I"m telling you, I spend hours a day for the past 6 years doing research and TIMING DOES NOT SWAY. People think that it does because they hear about it and then assume that's when they conceived their DD but without having an ultrasound done, no one can pinpoint ovulation beyond random chance even with temping, charting, and monitoring CM and CP, it simply is not possible and thus every single person you hear about who "conceived girls with cutoffs" has no idea when they got their DD.

PS - many people who DTD on positive OPK DO have 2 day cutoffs. Pos OPK is NOT ovulation day.

Tons of people get girls that first month out.

I know nothing helps at this point, but the baby's birth WILL help and I hope over time it gets easier for you. ((((Hugs))))

[CattyPad]

Well, I really hope you're not angry at me"

As if!! Who could be angry with you, you have been super helpful and sweet to me. You give advice and ultimately we chose to follow it. I just get paranoid when I read stuff like that.

PS - many people who DTD on positive OPK DO have 2 day cutoffs. Pos OPK is NOT ovulation day.

Well I didn't know that, thanks for clarifying.

Tons of people get girls that first month out.

I just wonder if it was my fault for being impatient and getting started with dtd

[amo]

I really feel for you as nearly exactly the same thing happened to me. I wanted to sway pink and had a plan, mainly timing and ph (this was before I found this site) I got pregnant first time then unfortunately miscarried, then I got a bit impatient and dtd a day before ovulation thinking of course I won't get pregnant straight away again but I did! I'm now 25 weeks with you guessed it, my second boy.
I too am very angry with myself and the world and everyone who doesn't understand or says the usual lines "be grateful for what you have" or "as long as it's healthy" blah blah blaaaah.
There's nothing I or anyone can say to make the anger go away, I just hope that meeting our boys will take the pain away. I've read so many stories on here and I'm sure people will tell you as they've told me that this will get better.
I sure hope it does. But in the meantime I know exactly how you feel, so you're not alone. xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

I honestly don't care if people DO get mad at me and throw darts at a giant atomic sagebrush dartboard LOL if it makes them feel better - but I just hate to see anyone tying themselves into knots over timing of all things, because above all else, that is the one thing I believe proven beyond a doubt that it simply cannot work.

There are literally hundreds of us on here who got boy after boy with those cutoffs - myself included. I got at least 3 of my boys with cutoffs, a couple of them were quite far out (the 4th was a sneak attack and not sure with him) and then my daughter I got late at night the day before O, so a perfect Shettles boy attempt, and her ovulation was confirmed by ultrasound so no doubt that's when I got her.

When sways go wrong it is NEVER your fault. You do what you can and then you have to turn it over to a "higher power" whether that is a religious deity or something like Lady Luck or MOther Nature, and the ultimate result is out of our hands.

[CattyPad]

Thank you Amo. Exactly, there is nothing anyone can say, I am angry, and I feel I need to be angry and let this anger out.
Yes apparently it will get better with ds1 it didn't until I gave birth. I am not a great pregnant person anyway so I guess it's a waiting game again.

Atomic: thank you, I feel a bit better now, at least regarding the timing. I still think maybe I should have waited a tad longer to TTC. Seriously, how can ds1 take TWELVE months and this one ONE attempt?! Argh. Trust my luck.

I gotta add, I do not regret giving swaying a go at all. A lot of people have said it made the fall worse, but for me no. My only regret is not waiting at least one more month.
I was pretty malnourished, had very low ph, boiled my DH's jewels before dtd, made him take OLE, sprayed the whole bed with stinky lavender oils, made sure it was a new moon...etc.... I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

In the meantime, I am just holding onto a teeny bit of hope that my doctor saw a lady nub, desperate I know.

[trifecta]

I just wanted to pipe in to say please don't kick yourself about timing/cuftoffs. I trust atomic's research that timing doesn't sway but I can also tell you anecdotally that it doesn't sway. The month my oldest son was conceived we DTD five days before ovulation. We were TTC but I was really surprised it ended up happening that month.

[CattyPad]

I am getting worse. I keep thinking horrible things.
I honestly thought I'd be ok this time round as I have experienced motherhood and love my DS so much.
But I am not. I just don't know what to do. Well I can't do anything can I.
I am so so sad, I feel so robbed, cheated and angry.

[zahararose]

I am so sorry CattyPad, I have been in your shoes and it's awful (and I'm very likely to be in them again in a few days when I find out about my last baby and likely Ds3). Cry and let it go and then go shopping for the new one and try to think as many positive thoughts as you can - you will love this boy more than you thought possible and you will be surprised how different he is from your first boy. This is not your fault at all and it will be ok in the end. Hugs and lots of love.

[Adia]

I hope you don't mind. I wrote the response I am posting below to amo a few weeks ago when she was hitting that horrible GD wall. I really can't think of anything more relevant to say to you than what I wrote in response to her. I hope it helps. Big hugs honey.
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Well honey...I remember being where you are when I found out about DD3. DH and I were so crushed we didn't speak to each other for a whole weekend. I couldn't face him and he just looked devastated.

I relate well to the dread. As I got bigger and bigger and giving birth got closer the comments from the local idiots got worse and my dread grew. I wanted the whole thing to go away too but a massive belly didn't help that. Not being pregnant anymore made a world of difference but until then this is a challenge.

My advice to you would be keep the gender to yourself unless you are telling someone you KNOW will be compassionate. Strangers just don't deserve the right to drain you of your emotions, you need them for yourself right now.

If someone wants to discuss your pregnancy/gender/etc and you don't feel like it all you have to say politely is "I don't want to discuss that right now". The older I get the more I cherish direct and blunt (but polite) communication.

Their is something to be said for "fake it until you make it'. I am not suggesting that you act excited or bubbly about something you are NOT excited about, but you are a mum and you are raising kids and being a wife so that is what you are doing. No where does life dictate that you have to do that with excessive joy and excitement. Just go through the motions and in time you will move on from this grief.

Allowing the grieving process to run its course is always advisable. If you don't know much about it reading up on it and finding your place in it can't hurt, might help. It can give you hope that you will eventually come out of it.

It may be advisable to speak to a counselor too. Even over the phone. With DD3 I lived overseas on a small military base and the counselors were morons. If I had been stateside when I found out about DD3 I would have gotten some help. Counseling has always helped me, even in short spurts.

Using the Serenity Prayer and the phrase "this too shall pass" can only help in those deep dark moment. Don't think you are alone, many of us have been there and are here to tell you it will pass. Try to be nicer to yourself than anyone else would be, this is your life, your grief, and your challenge. Its up to you, in many ways, to work through it and come out of it with the learning and understanding that only you can find.

As we wait to find out about this baby's gender, the dread of another girl is there, but I conquered my grief with DD3 and in the end I am happy to be able to have a 4th baby so I'll be fine either way. You will be where I am at one day too, I promise.

Big hugs mama...this pregnant lady cries at everything these days and thinking of the struggle you are in the middle of is making me cry. I PROMISE it will be ok. And what the future holds is irrelevant to today. Live in today and soon enough your "todays" will not be haunted by gender disappointment but the joys of living, being a mum and a wife.