The return of GD and now with it's BFF, jealousy

[amo]

I'm in desperate need of some support and understanding and just venting really.
I suffered severe GD when I discovered I was pregnant with my second son, thankfully it subsided and of course he is dearly loved and wanted, I fell in love with him the second I saw him. That was over a year ago and I haven't struggled much within that time.
However I have just found out my SIL is expecting a little girl for her second. My second and her first were due very close together and my GD was entangled in my anxiety over what she was having, we both had boys which made it much easier to get over my anxiety and GD surrounding my second.
But now I feel all my old feelings resurfacing but worse and not only that I feel overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and I'm so angry. I feel robbed. I feel like everyone is laughing at me for not being able to conceive the girl I made no secret of wanting. I feel like she's so completely smug about the fact she has managed to do something I couldn't.
All of this is not helped by the fact this will be the first girl in 2 generations so the entire family is completely ecstatic, except me. I can't stand it. I can't be happy for her. I just can't. I feel so full of resentment, I don't think I can even be around her anymore.
I wish I didn't feel like this. I feel like I can't even be thankful for what I have right now. This of course makes me feel like a terrible human being and makes me sink even lower.

[oceancitymom]

I'm so sorry; I know how hard this is. Both my SILs got their girls (one after a boy; even worse!). It helped that my SIL who has just the one girl really wanted a boy. And that my brother told me my other SIL really didn't care whether the second baby was a boy or a girl, but he thought she might actually prefer a boy "because less drama." Don't know if that was true or not, but it made me feel better. Still...she includes me on emails showing the monthly photos of her little girl, and the cute bows and tutus are kind of like a knife through my heart. I'm glad she sends them to me...she knows how much I want a girl and she even knows about my going through (failed) IVFs to get one, but I'm glad she's not, like, walking on egg shells around me.

My advice would be to fake it 'til you make it. I bought my niece a gorgeous outfit and a damn bow...the kind I would have loved to buy for my own daughter. I almost cried in the baby girl department. It was very hard. But I slapped a big smile on my face and gave it to my sister-in-law. I was the first one at the hospital to visit them, with flowers and balloons, and I had them take my picture with the baby and put it on Facebook: "I'm a proud aunt!" It stung, it really did. Just even seeing the baby's girly name written on the board in the hospital room...it was hard for me. I wished it could have been me. But I faked, faked, faked and I'm glad I did (and continue to) because I don't want people to think I'm bitter or that I'm not happy and grateful for my children (of course I am).

I wish both of us peace...and a little girl someday!

[oceancitymom]

P.S. Bet you a hundred bucks absolutely no one is laughing at you.

[amo]

Thank you for replying. It makes such a difference to know someone has gone through the same thing & feels the same way.
It's just so hard to be happy for her because her and her husband gave me quite a hard time when I said I wanted a girl during my second pregnancy saying I needed to be thankful for what I had and all that matters is that it's healthy and think of all the people who can't have kids at all. All the usual ignorant stuff you hear from people who don't understand GD. And then they have a boy and a girl, just like that, it falls into their laps. It sounds petty but it's just so unfair, when they didn't even care what they had they get the perfect pigeon f-ing pair.
I don't want to be seen as bitter either but I just can't stop feeling this way and I'm no good at faking it, even if I did fake it convincingly they'd still know how I feel as I didn't exactly keep my GD a secret last time.

[Babygirlquest]

It is unfair! It is! When I was expecting my fourth son, everyone was having girls after boys. After single boys! I literally knew no one in real life with four boys. I felt like a big walking joke - people saying I was a boy maker and would never have a girl.

But I totally agree with oceancitymom. See when I just embraced my four boys and pretended to be super duper excited about them (and it wasn't hard because they were freaking awesome), people stopped saying negative things and instead always commented on how cute and special they are and how lucky I was :-)

Try not to be jealous, I know it's a bitter pill to swallow. One day the baby girl will be yours, I promise. There are means and ways to get to your dream.

[trifecta]

I don't have a real solution for the jealousy but I think you should stop berating yourself for it. It's completely natural and nearly everyone here has experienced some version of it. You aren't terrible and it isn't true that "she has managed to do something I couldn't." A complex biological process largely beyond anyone's control gave you one result and her another result. You haven't failed at anything. Jealousy is already so hard to deal with, please don't kick yourself on top of it.

[amo]

Thanks for the support ladies, it's already making a difference and I've started investigating a high tech solution to my problem.
I still however have not responded to all the gushing conversation residing in my messages between my two sister's in law. At the moment everything just seems really hard, I had to peel myself off the kitchen floor yesterday once my youngest woke up from his nap as I had a crying session in the kitchen. I haven't cried yet today and I know reading those messages will for sure set me off again. Then again it's only 11am so still plenty of time left for crying today!

[atomic sagebrush]

P.S. Bet you a hundred bucks absolutely no one is laughing at you.

While there are a few smug sallies out there to be sure, I think many times we are reading stuff into people's behavior that isn't there. Someone once said, "You wouldn't care what people thought about you if you realized how rarely they did" meaning that we often think people are sitting around making jokes at our expense when we aren't even on their radar screens. I was in this situation too when I got DS 3 after 15 years of being a boy-mom and at the same time, my brother accidentally got a 19 year old pregnant (girl of course) and everyone was over the moon for the first girl in the family and it just felt like everyone was laughing at me. "She got pregnant after all that time only to get ANOTHER boy". But I don't think anyone really cared at all!! People were excited for a new baby, my brother's first child, first girl, and that's only natural. If it was our baby girl we would expect nothing less, yk??

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you for replying. It makes such a difference to know someone has gone through the same thing & feels the same way.
It's just so hard to be happy for her because her and her husband gave me quite a hard time when I said I wanted a girl during my second pregnancy saying I needed to be thankful for what I had and all that matters is that it's healthy and think of all the people who can't have kids at all. All the usual ignorant stuff you hear from people who don't understand GD. And then they have a boy and a girl, just like that, it falls into their laps. It sounds petty but it's just so unfair, when they didn't even care what they had they get the perfect pigeon f-ing pair.
I don't want to be seen as bitter either but I just can't stop feeling this way and I'm no good at faking it, even if I did fake it convincingly they'd still know how I feel as I didn't exactly keep my GD a secret last time.

I admit this is the one thing that still bothers me to this very day. Literally everyone I know IRL who is having kids right now, has gotten a BG or GB just like that, didn't try, didn't care and then I'm sitting here with 4 boys over 20 years and had to do all this work and effort to get one measly girl when I'm too old to enjoy her whole life the way I want to. haha joke's on me, right??

[amo]

Well my SIL is a 'smug sallie' to be sure. The judgement I received from them when I was going through GD first time was horrible, I can only imagine how much they're judging me now. Sounds paranoid I know but my SIL's SIL has had 5 miscarriages and was struggling to conceive then when my SIL had her baby all she could do is bitch about the fact her SIL didn't want to be around her baby not even thinking for a second that it might be painful for her SIL to be around her and her baby. When I pointed this out she shrugged it off saying that shouldn't be a reason. It's just not a good feeling knowing she's probably saying very similar things about me.