An "unwanted baby"

[Complex Emotions]

I remember saying out loud in the car "this is my son...he is my son..."

This song, Sun - by Caribou, helped me so much. It's like an ecstatic chant that repeats the word "Sun Sun Sun" over and over again. I danced to it alone, thinking "Son Son Son" and it helped me grow close to my unborn boy, and to take joy in him.

[lindz]

I want to thank everyone for taking time to respond. It's nice not feeling alone and having people who understand what I'm going through without judging. I made the mistake of posting about in it my mom's group on fb. I got responses like "maybe you're just meant to be a great MIL"(this provides zero comfort and she's expecting her second- perfect pigeon pair which made me even angrier)at least you already the have clothes you'll need(I love shopping so not helpful at all) someone tried to relate but after having one of each I'm sorry I don't really feel bad that her last child was a girl instead of a boy. Only one really understood after just having had her second boy. I guess it's something that not a lot of people can relate to. My sister knew what a hard time I was having so she offered to paint both the baby's nursery and my son's new room and has gone full steam ahead with planning a theme. I feel so grateful that she while she can't relate herself, she is trying to help me in a way she knew she could. So while I still feel unlucky in many ways, I still have a lot to be thankful for


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[pinkcomestrue]

I can absolutely related to your situation!
Not sure if you will go for HT, but here is my story..

I swayed girl for my second, I did a pretty good sway so for me it was hard to accept when I found out second boy at 11th week of my pregnancy.

I cried, obviously, the only thing that would made me feel better was my husband promises me to go for the 3rd(my dream was also a boy and 2 girls, he wanted 2) and I'll not sway again, I'll go for HT to make sure my 3rd is a girl, so, I instantly dropped my sadness, work hard and save for my dream!

For the last 29 weeks of my pregnancy, I just kept telling myself "this is not the last, so many people out there have 2 boys, I don't have to be that upset!?" And I'm sure my eldest would like a little brother too as he plays boy games..

Nowadays I'm trying to meet lots of 2 boys mom around me, that really helps too, I'm jealous of people who has PP, I just can't help it..

But like all ladies here say, you will love your baby once you meet him, so am I!! My boy is 4 months old, I kiss him every 5 minutes and he gave me a little smile everytime I kissed him, I'm just so in love




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[lindz]

Yes actually two days after finding out I said screw this. I'm not risking having another boy for our third child, I'm going HT. My husband is 100% on board, and we are going to start saving for it. I've been reading cycle stories everyday, and finding hope. Maybe there will one day be a daughter for me. It's frustrating having to wait. I wish I could at least get tested so I can see what my chances are, but with my plans to breastfeed most likely the first full year, it will be awhile. I'm very lucky that there's clinics in Michigan I can go to instead of also having to factor in travel costs and childcare. When will you start trying?

Whenever I'm out, I look for families with two boys and try to find comfort that I'm not alone. It's hard though because this wasn't the family I had imagined for myself. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how it all turned out. I know boys have so many good qualities as evidenced by my son, but I can't help but feel I'd be a better mom to girls, so having a male dominated house is frustrating. Right now I'm basically having this boy for my husband and son, so I have to keep pushing forward. When he is born, I'm sure that will all change, but right now I can't force myself to care about him.

[pinkcomestrue]

Yes actually two days after finding out I said screw this. I'm not risking having another boy for our third child, I'm going HT. My husband is 100% on board, and we are going to start saving for it. I've been reading cycle stories everyday, and finding hope. Maybe there will one day be a daughter for me. It's frustrating having to wait. I wish I could at least get tested so I can see what my chances are, but with my plans to breastfeed most likely the first full year, it will be awhile. I'm very lucky that there's clinics in Michigan I can go to instead of also having to factor in travel costs and childcare. When will you start trying?

Whenever I'm out, I look for families with two boys and try to find comfort that I'm not alone. It's hard though because this wasn't the family I had imagined for myself. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how it all turned out. I know boys have so many good qualities as evidenced by my son, but I can't help but feel I'd be a better mom to girls, so having a male dominated house is frustrating. Right now I'm basically having this boy for my husband and son, so I have to keep pushing forward. When he is born, I'm sure that will all change, but right now I can't force myself to care about him.

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't noticed it until now.

You are right, the most frustrating thing is having to wait!! But you have a toddler, time is flying by!!

I want to start next spring-summer, I'm still breastfeeding my baby and I want to feed him for at least 6 months first, and hopefully I can feed him again once the third one is born, maybe I'm too optimistic, but I'm not young, so I want to do it asap and I just hope all the afford and money can give me a dream daughter in the future






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[lindz]

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't noticed it until now.

You are right, the most frustrating thing is having to wait!! But you have a toddler, time is flying by!!

I want to start next spring-summer, I'm still breastfeeding my baby and I want to feed him for at least 6 months first, and hopefully I can feed him again once the third one is born, maybe I'm too optimistic, but I'm not young, so I want to do it asap and I just hope all the afford and money can give me a dream daughter in the future






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Ya honestly the breastfeeding is the thing I'm struggling with the most. I breastfed my son the first full year and I feel guilty if I end up stopping early to go through ivf for this one, but at the same time I want my protesting results so I can get a good sense if this will work for me, and I wouldn't mind if they were 15 months apart or so. I know if I'm patient and wait, I won't have to compromise on breastfeeding, and my oldest son will start preschool, the other one will be more independent, and I'll be able to give my daughter more attention. I think it will be an easier decision after the baby is born and I give it a few months to think about it


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[atomic sagebrush]

I know it's crazy to worry about it already but I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons. I feel like once they get married, they'll be too busy. My husband for example lives three hours from his parents and he barely calls them. I know he loves them, but maintaining relationships just doesn't seem like such a high priority to some men. His sisters on the other hand call their parents all the time. I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future


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I can tell you as one of the few people with adult kids on the site, this isn't true. My sons are 21 and 24 and they still call me all the time and I usually talk to one or the other for an hour or more a day. (sometimes they call me so much I actually get annoyed with it to be honest - I'm like "did I not just talk to you" LOL) When your boys are really teensy it's hard to imagine having that much in common with them but you WILL. My sons are really cool and we talk about all kinds of interesting things - books, movies, religion, politics, parenting, cooking, interpersonal relationships - pretty much everything other than nail glitter and periods.

My sister in law lives next door to my mother in law and yet it's my husband who calls her 2-3 times a week, emails daily, etc. She will not have seen or talked to his sister in days or even weeks sometimes. I hardly ever talk to my parents either and have gone months without calling (bad daughter. I also miss a lot of birthdays). I think this is something we view thru the lens of our GD as a gender thing when it's really a kid thing.

I would also think about the following idea - when our kids are young we are super tied to them and it is only natural to have those overwhelming feelings of love and never being able to imagine being away from them for a period of time. But as they get older you are going to find that you'll experience a renewal of your own interests (think about how BORING your friends all seemed when they had kids LOL) and the relationship will change anyway. This is a natural thing and it happens on both ends. My dad and stepmom are really active and travel all around and not only do they not see me very often, they don't even see their own daughter that much. They just went 2 years without visiting either of us - and it's not that anyone is sad and waiting by the phone, it's because they went on a trip to France and all this other fun stuff. I think we assume a lot when we envision our "inevitable huge sorrow" as our kids go off and live their lives and assume that it would somehow be any different with a daughter. Sure, it's bittersweet, but at the same time, you wouldn't want it any other way - for a girl just as much as for a boy. I have occasionally seen a dutiful daughter whose lives revolve around their mothers and it makes me SAD. I would not necessarily want my daughter to feel obligated to call me all the time.

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm worried about being judged by a counselor. I feel like a lot of people don't understand what I'm feeling, especially someone who might have daughters of their own. I don't really want a lecture about how some people would give anything for a baby of any gender.


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FYI, I have seen many dozens, if not hundreds of people pursue therapy and counseling over GD issues and virtually all of them ended up feeling worse after having gone than they did before. I can count on one hand the number of people who felt it had helped them.

[lindz]

I can tell you as one of the few people with adult kids on the site, this isn't true. My sons are 21 and 24 and they still call me all the time and I usually talk to one or the other for an hour or more a day. (sometimes they call me so much I actually get annoyed with it to be honest - I'm like "did I not just talk to you" LOL) When your boys are really teensy it's hard to imagine having that much in common with them but you WILL. My sons are really cool and we talk about all kinds of interesting things - books, movies, religion, politics, parenting, cooking, interpersonal relationships - pretty much everything other than nail glitter and periods.

My sister in law lives next door to my mother in law and yet it's my husband who calls her 2-3 times a week, emails daily, etc. She will not have seen or talked to his sister in days or even weeks sometimes. I hardly ever talk to my parents either and have gone months without calling (bad daughter. I also miss a lot of birthdays). I think this is something we view thru the lens of our GD as a gender thing when it's really a kid thing.

I would also think about the following idea - when our kids are young we are super tied to them and it is only natural to have those overwhelming feelings of love and never being able to imagine being away from them for a period of time. But as they get older you are going to find that you'll experience a renewal of your own interests (think about how BORING your friends all seemed when they had kids LOL) and the relationship will change anyway. This is a natural thing and it happens on both ends. My dad and stepmom are really active and travel all around and not only do they not see me very often, they don't even see their own daughter that much. They just went 2 years without visiting either of us - and it's not that anyone is sad and waiting by the phone, it's because they went on a trip to France and all this other fun stuff. I think we assume a lot when we envision our "inevitable huge sorrow" as our kids go off and live their lives and assume that it would somehow be any different with a daughter. Sure, it's bittersweet, but at the same time, you wouldn't want it any other way - for a girl just as much as for a boy. I have occasionally seen a dutiful daughter whose lives revolve around their mothers and it makes me SAD. I would not necessarily want my daughter to feel obligated to call me all the time.

I understand what you're saying. I think by not having a brother, I wasn't able to see what type a relationship a parent has with their adults sons. I guess every relationship is so different you can't really made broad generalizations. Even if I have a daughter, I might end up having more in common with my son and our personalities might mesh better. My husband thinks my dreams for a an adult relationship with a daughter are coming from my dream of a "Gilmore girls" relationship lol. He says it's not really realistic to think we're going to be best friends and constantly talking to each other. You don't really see shows out there where the main focus is look at how close this mom is with her son. In fact in the media being a "mama's boy" is a negative thing and often made fun of. There's no sense in me already worrying about a future DIL coming in between me and my son. Maybe she will actually like me and let me spend plenty of time with the grandchildren. I know a lot of people don't get along with their MILs but I do, so I know there's always exceptions. If I tried to push my MIL away, I can't see my husband just sitting back and doing nothing since he loves his mom. Hopefully my sons will love me enough to make our relationship an important part of their lives. I do see the way my SIL(married to my husband's brother) always makes her family the priority and is always late for any gathering with my husband's side of the family. Her husband goes along with it and lets her call the shots. Hopefully my sons will have more a backbone than him


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[lindz]

FYI, I have seen many dozens, if not hundreds of people pursue therapy and counseling over GD issues and virtually all of them ended up feeling worse after having gone than they did before. I can count on one hand the number of people who felt it had helped them.

Interesting, why do you think that is? I could see people benefiting from therapy if there's deep issues like abuse or neglect that makes someone have a bias against having a certain gender child. As for me, I've just always wanted to raise both genders with a slight favoritism for girls because I'm girlie girl and have more positive relationships with females. I still wanted a son, my sadness comes from not having a daughter. Many women I've talked to prefer having a daughter over a son. I've even seen women sad when they aren't having a second daughter. I guess I don't want to sit in therapy having to defend my reasons for wanting a girl, when other women want girls too but it doesn't become an issue because they have one. Sure other women handle gender disappointment better than I have, but ultimately it comes down to accepting something you can't change. The therapist can make me feel guilty by comparing those struggling with infertility or infant loss, but again that wouldn't make me leave therapy feeling better..


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