How to get over gender disappointment?

[MrsSparkles]

I think it's quite normal after you find out you're having an opposite to feel a sort of depression for some time. It's a bit like a grieving process (grieving the dream you had) and at first it's hard to imagine feeling less pain but gradually it does ease

My only advice is to make no big decisions right now and be kind to yourself.

I found choosing a name I loved helped a lot, and eventually a 4d scan helped me bond too. Granted there weren't many boys names i even liked... but certainly once I had chosen one it helped me to think of him as "my son".

Someone once said "a lot of what you wanted in a girl is possible in how you parent your boy" . But equally a girl would have been no guarantee of that bond you're after as sex doesn't determine their personality.

I now have 3 boys, my second was the result of a pink sway. But he's adorable now I've got.to know his character and bonded with him properly (something thats hard to do while he's still in your tummy). He loves rainbows, nature, cars, and baking and would do anything to help me in the kitchen! He's very helpful and affectionate. That's his personality that i love and is independent of which body he is in.

Your baby will be their own person too and that will make them special once you meet them.

Be patient - these dark feelings wont last forever xx

Your son sounds very much like my nephew.

I don't think it's possible for me to like any boy names, we tried to prepare ourselves all pregnancy for a boy, but the name thing is hard.
We tried last night and this morning again, but still nothing we like.
I've told my husband he can go ahead and pick, and I'm sure it will grow on me.

[trifecta]

It sounds like you had an awful lot of external pressure to have a girl because of your partner's baggage. It really shouldn't matter what sex your first child is. I'm so sorry that you weren't allowed to experience this in a natural, unpressured way. It just seems so unfair. I don't think you are a bad person at all.

[BrightSky]

Your son sounds very much like my nephew.

I don't think it's possible for me to like any boy names, we tried to prepare ourselves all pregnancy for a boy, but the name thing is hard.
We tried last night and this morning again, but still nothing we like.
I've told my husband he can go ahead and pick, and I'm sure it will grow on me.

This sounds just like me during pregnancy. I said to my husband if it's a boy you pick the name I don't care.. But in the end I picked the name and I really love it. I feel bad about it now but you can't help the way u feel. I agree with trifecta, this is still your first child and you shouldn't have this added gender pressure.

[MrsSparkles]

Thanks for all your understanding messages and posts on here.
I feel a lot better today.
I realised I've judged his ex for years because of her decision to terminate based on gender.
But if I disconnect and stop enjoying pregnancy and this little ones babyhood, then really I'm no better.
I also don't want to be dreaming of another sway, whilst I will try again for baby #2. I never want this one to think men are inferior to women, that kind of sexism has no place in society.
I'm sure I will look at the pink frilly stuff with longing still, but I am determined to pull myself together and be a good Mum.
And let's face it, if this boy turns out half as good as my husband he will do wonderful things, and the world needs more men like that.

Thanks again for all the lovely private messages, and everyone reaching out.
It was such a shock to me to feel this way.

Have woken up this morning feeling fresher, and without a headache (crying when pregnant, that congestion is no joke!)

[MrsSparkles]

It sounds like you had an awful lot of external pressure to have a girl because of your partner's baggage. It really shouldn't matter what sex your first child is. I'm so sorry that you weren't allowed to experience this in a natural, unpressured way. It just seems so unfair. I don't think you are a bad person at all.

I understand what you're saying.
The pressure was mostly applied by myself to be honest, the childish part of me wanted to 'one up' his ex.
At the end of it all i don't have to compete with anyone, and that's a truly ugly part of my personality coming out.

[BrightSky]

I'm glad you're feeling better, it's amazing what a good sleep can do. Those first rush of feelings are intense, Im sure you will be a fantastic mum, and yes, I still look with longing at those frilly little dresses, but then I see my husband with my sons and what an amazing man he is and instantly feel better thinking there might be more in the world like him. xx

[MrsSparkles]

I'm glad you're feeling better, it's amazing what a good sleep can do. Those first rush of feelings are intense, Im sure you will be a fantastic mum, and yes, I still look with longing at those frilly little dresses, but then I see my husband with my sons and what an amazing man he is and instantly feel better thinking there might be more in the world like him. xx

That's so lovely. We're really lucky to have amazing men in our lives, and to be blessed with babies.
I'm going to rebook my private scan, what do they say 'act in haste, repent at leisure'. The woman will probably think I am bonkers, or maybe have pregnancy brain.
And yes, a good sleep really fixes so many things. I barely slept two hours the night of the scan.

This morning before he left, he put these mittens on the pillow, they're so tiny and cute. I can't believe in less than 6 months I'm going to have a little guy who can wear themIMG_3943.JPG

[jdd1017]

MrsSparkles you literally had every single feeling I have had this pregnancy. We found out at the 12 week (yes, 12 weeks!!) NT scan that we were having a boy. To this day I still cannot put into words the pain and heartache I have felt. I bawled in the waiting room after the sono, I couldn't even talk about the baby or the pregnancy for a couple weeks. I just wanted to pretend it was all a bad dream or a cruel joke and surely I was not unlucky enough to have a THIRD boy!!! The next OB appt I practically had an anxiety attack in the parking lot of the office just thinking about going back into the place that I found out the devastating news. It was like I had PTSD, as silly as that sounds. At my 20 week anatomy scan I told the tech that we didn't know the gender and to write it down because I didn't want to see it on the screen again. I dreaded that sono, I didn't feel any connection with him at all. I wish I could tell you that it gets better as the pregnancy goes on...i so so so hope that it does for you, but for me it is day by day. One day I am fine and think of how great it will be to have another boy. The next day I am sobbing uncontrollably in a dark closet. I wish we hadn't found out the gender. Someone wrote on here that she didn't think we were meant to find out the gender of the baby until birth because at that moment you can truly love the baby, and I actually related to that a lot. I keep having thoughts of having the baby and crying when I see him because I will keep thinking "you should have been a girl". It makes me dread the delivery, which is supposed to be exciting!! My DH has lost all patience with me and gets so angry with me when I cry and have a bad day. My friends know I'm struggling but honestly none of them can relate because they don't have kids or have one of each. It is the loneliest feeling in the world. I am just thankful to have this forum to come to and know I'm not alone.

What I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. You will have good and bad days. You will feel like a horrible mom because you can't bond with this baby yet. But what you are going through, while it might not be talked about much, is normal. I truly believe GD is something that is very common but is so taboo that no one mentions it. I am here for you if you need anything.

I read an article that says Oxytocin, the chemical that is released during and after labor, causes feelings of love for your child. I have clung to this statement and hope that as soon as I see him, the Oxytocin will be so strong all of my GD will disappear

Oh, and just remember-pregnancy hormones make everything so much worse. It makes your emotions so raw and your thinking irrational. It's like PMS on steroids. I try to remind myself of that when I'm having a bad day. Chances are, a year from now we will look back and laugh at how depressed we were! At least I am praying that is what happens!


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[MrsSparkles]

a Someone wrote on here that she didn't think we were meant to find out the gender of the baby until birth because at that moment you can truly love the baby, and I actually related to that a lot.

That statement really hits the nail on the head for me !!!!

I wondered if we have some kind of mental health issue, GD is so not talked about but I really really do think it is in the same category as anxiety, and maybe even PTSD like you said.
I wish that more people would research into it, because it's such a stigma - I looked on net mums (which my midwife says is the devils work-she is so funny), and there was a lady who posted about her GD on there.
I sent her a PM and told her to come to gender dreaming, because the net mums witches(oops I mean women), said some truly awful things to her.
That's the reaction of the general public though, because they don't hear it as a valid pregnancy ailment.
It is though, it's a type of dark sadness that takes over and is just as valid as any other form of depression and stress.

Just a thought, looking at your profile picture - you're so super gorgeous, maybe the universe is giving you boys because they can be your bodyguards when they grow up

There's no way that we won't love these boys with all our hearts when they arrive, I have no experience as a FTM, but everyone tells me it is indescribable type of love.

[Blckhrt]

MrsSparkles, I was thinking about you all yesterday and even lying in bed last night, so I am SO happy to read your updates. I felt so, so, so similar to you when we found out our first was a boy...to a T...and all I can say is that everyone is 100% correct, just you wait till that moment you first hold him and you will be unbelievably thankful you got HIM as your baby. It's completely indescribable.

While I'm not "anti" formula, I do want to give you gentle encouragement, since you were going to BF anyway if it was a girl, to go forward with nursing your son. It truly is one of the most amazing forms of bonding available, and that little prince deserves the same nutrition a princess would!

He is going to be your world - he's not your nephews, he's not your stepsons, he will be YOU and your husband in one tiny package that you will be in awe of. I'm so sorry you experienced such disappointment at first, and gosh can I relate. But truly, the hardest part is over. You'll warm up to the idea of him over the course of pregnancy, and then when he's born any and all thoughts of wishing he was someone else will be a thousand miles away. Although I wish you hadn't had to feel the crush of disappointment, I am now so excited on your behalf for you to meet your sweet son! Take care of yourself, hun!