How to get over gender disappointment?

[MrsSparkles]

MrsSparkles, I was thinking about you all yesterday and even lying in bed last night, so I am SO happy to read your updates. I felt so, so, so similar to you when we found out our first was a boy...to a T...and all I can say is that everyone is 100% correct, just you wait till that moment you first hold him and you will be unbelievably thankful you got HIM as your baby. It's completely indescribable.

While I'm not "anti" formula, I do want to give you gentle encouragement, since you were going to BF anyway if it was a girl, to go forward with nursing your son. It truly is one of the most amazing forms of bonding available, and that little prince deserves the same nutrition a princess would!

He is going to be your world - he's not your nephews, he's not your stepsons, he will be YOU and your husband in one tiny package that you will be in awe of. I'm so sorry you experienced such disappointment at first, and gosh can I relate. But truly, the hardest part is over. You'll warm up to the idea of him over the course of pregnancy, and then when he's born any and all thoughts of wishing he was someone else will be a thousand miles away. Although I wish you hadn't had to feel the crush of disappointment, I am now so excited on your behalf for you to meet your sweet son! Take care of yourself, hun!

I'm so sorry my story affected you and apologise if I gave you a sleepless night.
Thank you for your loving and kind words.

I am going to continue on with my plan of breastfeeding, I'll keep the bottle I bought, as I do intend to pump and freeze if I can.
There are a few things happening in 2017/2018 that mean I will be away from baby for 2 nights, so do you think it will be okay for DH to use a bottle with breastmilk ?
I've read about babies getting nipple confusion though, that is one thing I worry about, but he will be 6 and 9 months old both the events I am going to, so hope he will not have that.

I am going to have a scan, whilst away over Christmas I will hit the 16 week mark, so I am just going to have a bonding scan.
They give you a free peek in 3D, although apparently babies look like skinny little gnomes at that stage lol

Again, thank you.
It is hard to believe that strangers on the internet can touch my heart, reach me, and emphasise with me more than anyone in my 'real' life.
But it is true, and I am so grateful to everyone for showing me such kindness.

[Blckhrt]

Oh, please don't be sorry! It's only because I relate so much and have a huge amount of compassion for you going through those feelings. It is HARD. Disillusioning, self-flagellating, imagination-shattering hopelessness that you have no control over and just have to allow to pass. I'm just so happy to hear you're already feeling better today.

Your plan to be away for a bit when he's several months old will be no problem at all! I'd actually recommend introducing an occasional bottle of pumped milk by no more than 6-8 *weeks* old. I think nipple confusion happens more (and worse) when a baby has never experienced anything but a real nipple for months on end...then they think, what is this joke of a rubbery imitation nipple?! I started pumping at about 6 weeks, we introduced a bottle shortly thereafter (for the occasional date night out, which everyone needs!), and we had no issues whatsoever. I kept pumping for over a year (even though I'm a SAHM, I had a great supply so it seemed silly not to pump just once daily and store it up) and in the end I donated over 1,000 ounces of frozen milk to a couple of local babies who needed it. My son actually just weaned last month, at 21 months old, since I was drying up several weeks into this new pregnancy, and I was sadder to stop than he was!

I love the idea of a "bonding scan"! I didn't find out my first was a boy till the 20 week anatomy scan and as a result I did not enjoy it one bit, I just wanted out of there. I see those pics now of his sweet tiny profile and wish I had appreciated it in the moment. So in that sense I think it is fortunate you've found out so early, because you'll hopefully get to enjoy any later scans to the max. <3

[MrsSparkles]

That's fantastic advice about pumping and bottles.
There's some really annoying articles online , they tell you possible obstacles and problems, yet offer no real advice.
Just goes to show that we need a real mum, and real experiences to be able to suggest things that actually work !
Did you use a manual or electric pump ?

[Blckhrt]

Electric - my insurance would only pay for the Ameda Purely Yours so it's what I used. It's actually pretty terrible for an electric pump, but it still got the job done...just frustratingly slowly. Manual pumps seemed like way too much work to me!

[Hopefully Pink]

MrsSparkles, I just wanted to let you know that I felt the same way when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I cried so hard for the rest of my scan. The week after was a rollercoaster of emotions. I know how you feel and I am so sorry. All of your feelings are real and okay to have. Be kind to yourself now, it will get better. I slowly came around during my pregnancy and when I had my sweet Reed I fell so in love, it was a stronger bond than my first son. I still plan to try for a girl, we are going to go HT in the spring (Reed is 17 months). Breastfeeding helped my bond with him so try to stay open to that, but keep the formula and bottles just in case. I know it is hard, but I promise you he will be the love of your life. I felt sad that my prayers for a girl weren't answered but Reed is the gift I didn't know I needed. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you find the peace you and your husband deserve.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm so sorry my story affected you and apologise if I gave you a sleepless night.
Thank you for your loving and kind words.

I am going to continue on with my plan of breastfeeding, I'll keep the bottle I bought, as I do intend to pump and freeze if I can.
There are a few things happening in 2017/2018 that mean I will be away from baby for 2 nights, so do you think it will be okay for DH to use a bottle with breastmilk ?
I've read about babies getting nipple confusion though, that is one thing I worry about, but he will be 6 and 9 months old both the events I am going to, so hope he will not have that.

I am going to have a scan, whilst away over Christmas I will hit the 16 week mark, so I am just going to have a bonding scan.
They give you a free peek in 3D, although apparently babies look like skinny little gnomes at that stage lol

Again, thank you.
It is hard to believe that strangers on the internet can touch my heart, reach me, and emphasise with me more than anyone in my 'real' life.
But it is true, and I am so grateful to everyone for showing me such kindness.

I'm so, so sorry for the turmoil you're going through MrsSparkles. I know what it's like too, also with the a first kid. I'm really glad you're considering BFing -- I also had a very hard time wrestling with the idea of my breastfeeding my DD, since I'd always had my mind wrapped around breastfeeding a son -- and I'm so glad I did. Now I miss breastfeeding her as often, since she's seemingly self-weaning much quicker than I ever would have thought!

Re: breastfeeding questions. Nipple confusion is controversial, as is -- many professionals don't believe in it. But even then, I believe after 12 weeks it's minimal.

I'd say if you want to do both breast and bottle, make it a habit after at least those first 6 to 8 weeks. Dr. Harvey Karp of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" recommends introducing a bottle by 8 weeks so they're familiar with it and don't reject it. I did this.

The KEY though is to not fall off on the bottle -- my DD was fine with them... but then only had maybe 3 or 4 total and since I work from home, I was just nursing her all the time. She flat out refused a bottle any other time and still won't take one, we just luckily are able to feed her solids enough if I need to leave the house for longer than a few hours.

And again, as for the gender disappointment -- be kind to yourself, even if you feel you never get over it during your pregnancy. I was here with my first, and so many told me, "Wait until they're born; your feelings will change." They were absolutely right, and it will happen for you too -- it just sucks that pregnancy is so long for us to get through to that point!

[MrsSparkles]

Hopefully Pink & Throwaway Panther

Thanks for your messages, I am feeling a little better each day.
Whats helping at the moment is looking at cute baby boy outfits on Instagram, and imagining a little boy similar to my husband.
My husband was adopted, so there's not any baby photos of him, only ones as a toddler - so in a way it will be nice to see perhaps what he may have looked like as a baby

One of my male friends just found out his wife is expecting his 7th daughter !
He is feeling the gender disappointment bless him, It's crazy to think that he has had two wives (both seemingly different in lifestyles), and still hasn't had a son.
He says he wants to try one more time for a boy !
I don't know how many times I would try to sway pink, don't think it would be 7 or 8 times lol

[coralsky]

First, I want to give you a huge hug... you are not alone.

I felt v similar feelings to you with both my sons. DS1 I waited until the birth to find out gender, and although the GD didn't hit quite as hard that time (maybe cos he was my first, and I knew I wanted another.. or maybe cos the baby was here, so I fell in love, although still felt the GD). DS2 I found out early and the GD hit hard.. but I have to say although my feelings were stronger the 2nd time, I definitely preferred it that way- because by the time he arrived I had worked through a lot of stuff in my head, and was able to focus on him, and not those feeling so much, you know?.. and I also felt the bond stronger that time, as there wasn't the 'shock' of GD at the time of the birth.
Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself time to readjust. I cant promise your desire for a DD will go away, but I can promise that it WILL get easier with time, and that you will love your son more than you ever thought you could once he arrives.

Re BF/bottle I wanted to chime in on this because with all 3 of mine I have done a mixture, but all different, and all seemed to work pretty well for me. DS1 had BF only till 9wks, then mixed feeding to 15wks, then formula only. DS2 had BF only, except for one bottle per day right from leaving hospital (in the evening- I needed the break, as he was my worst for feeding during the night!) up until 3months, then mixed to 5months, then formula only. DD had BF only until 3 months - first bottle at 14wks, then mixed to 6.5 months.. and they ALL took a bottle no problem at all - no nipple confusion whatsoever! (with a slight exception of DD only drinking 1oz on first bottle, but then guzzling the full bottle the next day!) I did use the 'closer to nature' bottles too, so I don't know if that helped, or perhaps I just got lucky, but I do want to assure you that just because they have BF does not necessarily mean they will refuse milk from a bottle.

Try not to worry too much about all the conflicting 'advice' from the health professionals, and find what works for YOU.. someone once told me that you can get all the advice from lots of experienced people, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, but at the end of the day - you will know your own baby better than anyone else, so trust your own judgement. And that is so true! Just be prepared for lots of trial and error and learning along the way, but that is what motherhood is all about.

Huge congrats to you, and I do hope you will feel better & better as the time goes by xxx
Oh and PS. I also found shopping for lots of cute baby boy clothes helped! Believe it or not, I actually miss all the blue now!

[MrsSparkles]

Hi Coralsky

So nice to read your story, and that the shopping helped you too
I keep ignoring all the little girls stuff, and find it a bit healthier, as all I used to do was longingly look at these cute girl clothes !

The bottles and formula I ordered arrived today, and I felt a pang of guilt.
I've put the formula in the back of the cupboard, and the bottles I will use when he needs to be looked after my someone else.
I got some glass ones with latex teats, they're so cute and feels quite 1950's lol - hopefully my DH doesn't drop them during feeds !!!!

I do feel like the universe is testing me now, as I keep hearing 'It's a girl' from every friend that's expecting.
Well there's another friend pregnant and we don't know what she's having yet, but she had IVF and has been dieting - so my money is on a girl for her too.
I guess on the plus side, my son will have his pick of pretty girls to befriend

[coralsky]

Awww please don't feel guilty at all! Whether you choose to BF or formula feed, or a combination, I believe no-one should ever feel guilty about their choice. It is your choice to make, and either way there are plenty of advantages & disadvantages whichever you choose.. most of my friends never attempted BF at all, mainly cos they just thought 'that's not for me' and didn't feel bad in any way, and nor should they IMO. It is definitely a personal decision to make. If you do want to try, I always think it does help to have bottles & formula in the house and 'available' to you anyway, just in case you need them.. in my experience, it always made me feel better (and sometimes made me keep going) knowing that I had a backup plan if it got too tough. Just as a side note- if no-one has mentioned it already, I highly recommend lanisoh lanolin nipple cream- apply after every feed (even if nipples feel fine) it really helps protect (and repair) it was a godsend to me.

Oh I am so sorry a lot of your friends are having girls... it must be tough to hear announcements right now, I totally understand.. it sounds like a good plan re the clothes though, and if you have to buy any gifts for your friends, then you can always stick to the practical things like baby bath, bouncy chair, nappies, etc too.. sometimes those type of gifts are the most appreciated ones I find!

Huge hugs to you, remember you are not alone in your feelings, and its ok to feel this way... it will get gradually easier with time xxxx