How to get over gender disappointment?

[MrsSparkles]

Serenity that's a really powerful post you've written.
I'm sorry for your loss, but am so happy that you've found your Serenity.
I don't think there's anything wrong with any of our feelings.
Personally for me the GD was very real, and writing and talking about it, crying about it, all made me process it.
Really now I have no sadness at having a boy.
I'm excited and appreciative, and seeing him today was magical.
Can't wait to meet him now.

[MrsSparkles]

I really think you guys are making a mistake planning not to BF because of GD (I don't care how anyone feeds their baby, just saying that if it is a GD thing, that is a mistake). Many times what we plan for is what we make happen, so plan for nursing and then you always have the option of not nursing then. Planning not to nurse, there may be no changing your mind on that.

Even going HT, you cannot do that for 6 months anyway so please at least try and nurse because it does help with the bonding. Plus, it's easier and having to mix bottles, etc is a lot of work that can make you feel resentful.

I am planning to nurse and also express when I go away.
The formula I ordered is in the back of the cupboard now, I felt so guilty when it arrived, as I had already started to realise that my GD was going away every day.
I thought about asking to delete this thread, as I feel really awful that I even wished my baby to go to someone else.
But I want others to maybe stumble on it, and see that it is a choice. We can adjust our mindsets and process things.
If it helps anyone know that, yes it feels awful and like a failure when you hear that your sway failed.
That is normal !
But we can choose to try our best to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.
And everyone without question says when the baby is here, there is no love like it .
So we may as well enjoy the ride

[Throwaway_panther]

I hope you decide to keep this up, Sparkles <3 If anything, you might end up like me -- I look back on my heavy GD posts in here from when I was pregnant and realize just how dramatically I changed with the birth of my DD. It'll be a testament to you to see!

It's interesting how so many of you wanted smaller versions of you -- one of my biggest fears of having a daughter WAS getting a small version of me. My DD is the spitting image of my husband, down to personality and everything, and has removed any of my own projected issues onto her as a result. Certainly adds on to the reality that so much of our gender desire really is rooted in issues within ourselves that we could work through. Though, of course, wanting a child of a certain sex can and still is because it's just what we want!

Don't feel guilty about the formula Sparkles -- if anything, it might be good to have on hand anyway! I just think you might really surprise yourself with enjoying BFing.

[MrsSparkles]

I hope you decide to keep this up, Sparkles <3 If anything, you might end up like me -- I look back on my heavy GD posts in here from when I was pregnant and realize just how dramatically I changed with the birth of my DD. It'll be a testament to you to see!

It's interesting how so many of you wanted smaller versions of you -- one of my biggest fears of having a daughter WAS getting a small version of me. My DD is the spitting image of my husband, down to personality and everything, and has removed any of my own projected issues onto her as a result. Certainly adds on to the reality that so much of our gender desire really is rooted in issues within ourselves that we could work through. Though, of course, wanting a child of a certain sex can and still is because it's just what we want!

Don't feel guilty about the formula Sparkles -- if anything, it might be good to have on hand anyway! I just think you might really surprise yourself with enjoying BFing.

Thank you so much.
The more I look at my GD, the more I realise that actually I think it came from a really unhealthy competitive place - wanting to give DH what his ex could not.
His verbalising that he wanted a DD from the day we began to discuss TTC didn't help, but I can't blame him.
He had a horrible experience with a woman with GD, and didn't realise that by holding onto it, he was potentially creating a monster of a situation with me.
I am pleased to say I am still feeling really positive, I am so happy I went for the scan to confirm gender, I got loads of pictures and keep looking at them.
Last night I started giggling as we drove home, and he asked what I was doing.
I was just thinking that in 5 months time, I am going to be holding a little chubby cheeked version of my DH
He already has my DH's perfect side profile, and I've always wondered what he would have looked like as a small baby (there are no pictures of DH before the age of 18 months), so maybe our baby will give me a clue.

I wish you all the best of luck with getting your DS in 2017, but I know that even if you get a DD you will be amazing.
It sounds like you truly did work through everything and came out an even better Mum the other side.

[Kawazza]

Just wanted to update that I booked a scan for tomorrow

I didnt see these updates, but I am so happy for you Mrs Sparkles and glad you are feeling better x

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you so much.
The more I look at my GD, the more I realise that actually I think it came from a really unhealthy competitive place - wanting to give DH what his ex could not.
His verbalising that he wanted a DD from the day we began to discuss TTC didn't help, but I can't blame him.
He had a horrible experience with a woman with GD, and didn't realise that by holding onto it, he was potentially creating a monster of a situation with me.
I am pleased to say I am still feeling really positive, I am so happy I went for the scan to confirm gender, I got loads of pictures and keep looking at them.
Last night I started giggling as we drove home, and he asked what I was doing.
I was just thinking that in 5 months time, I am going to be holding a little chubby cheeked version of my DH
He already has my DH's perfect side profile, and I've always wondered what he would have looked like as a small baby (there are no pictures of DH before the age of 18 months), so maybe our baby will give me a clue.

I wish you all the best of luck with getting your DS in 2017, but I know that even if you get a DD you will be amazing.
It sounds like you truly did work through everything and came out an even better Mum the other side.

Haha, thank you. I can tell you that I certainly haven't worked through everything, and my desire for a DS is still very strong, bordering on obsessive, but I'm in a different place now in that I know myself, and I know the things I'm willing to do to get him -- and that it's possible, even if it costs a lot of money

But a lot of the fears and anxieties I had with my DD did not come to fruition. I was able to love her and bond with her immediately, and miraculously did not seem to deal with any PPD which EVERYONE EVER thought was for sure for me based on my bad antepartum depression, my history, etc.

The things we fear can sometimes be total 180s from what we thought. I thought I'd end up with a C-Section; I got a completely natural, unmedicated birth.
I thought I'd have issues breastfeeding and be a failure; I ended up with an oversupply!
I thought I'd never love my DD -- I love her more than anything in the world; she is literally my favorite person.

[MrsSparkles]

The things we fear can sometimes be total 180s from what we thought. I thought I'd end up with a C-Section; I got a completely natural, unmedicated birth.
I thought I'd have issues breastfeeding and be a failure; I ended up with an oversupply!
I thought I'd never love my DD -- I love her more than anything in the world; she is literally my favorite person.

Reading that just made my day
Really inspiring

[Burakoam]

Because I think you need to hear it.. I am so so jealous you have a perfect mini hubby to squish and hold and love and raise. My DD3 looks just like him, acts just like him... so I got as close as I can get with her I guess but still there is something to be said about a son who is your husbands clone, not just a daughter. I feel so much pain on behalf of your hubby.. I am sure he has his own issues watching his ex hate his children, blame him, abort his third son, and then cheat on him and essentially end their marriage. He has really been through the ringer...I think that kind of trauma changes people, truly, and that his biggest thing about having a DD is not wanting to disappoint another woman or be hurt again because he makes boys..I want to give you both a big hug. Your little boy is going to be so loved and you have an amazing opportunity to let him see you delight and love and snuggle that baby. I believe you will be an awesome example to him ofnwhat a wife really is, and a good role model to your step sons too.

[MrsSparkles]

Because I think you need to hear it.. I am so so jealous you have a perfect mini hubby to squish and hold and love and raise. My DD3 looks just like him, acts just like him... so I got as close as I can get with her I guess but still there is something to be said about a son who is your husbands clone, not just a daughter. I feel so much pain on behalf of your hubby.. I am sure he has his own issues watching his ex hate his children, blame him, abort his third son, and then cheat on him and essentially end their marriage. He has really been through the ringer...I think that kind of trauma changes people, truly, and that his biggest thing about having a DD is not wanting to disappoint another woman or be hurt again because he makes boys..I want to give you both a big hug. Your little boy is going to be so loved and you have an amazing opportunity to let him see you delight and love and snuggle that baby. I believe you will be an awesome example to him ofnwhat a wife really is, and a good role model to your step sons too.

Read this through tears, thank you for being so kind and saying such wonderful things.
I hope I can live up to being a good wife, and helping to heal him.
Last night when he came back to work I said "I can't wait to meet our son, I just want to pinch his chubby little cheeks" and started showing him the cute baby shirts I bought.
My DH looked at me really worried and said "Do you mean it ?"
It's so hard, knowing that he is finding it difficult to believe me, but of course my reaction in the first place was exactly what he expected.
Have suggested counselling, but DH is not 'that guy' he bottles things up a lot.

I am so sorry you didn't get your DD yet.
But so heartened to read that she is perfection, and I know that DD4 will be too.

I've screen grabbed your post, so that I can read it when I feel low - it really means a lot to me.

[Burakoam]

That doesn't surprise me, my DH is the same type of guy. Just know I can read that pain between the lines and when you tell him things like you did last night and you mean them like that, you ARE helping him heal and thus yourself too! I am glad my words could mean so much. I was hoping they would. Big big big hugs.