How to get over gender disappointment?

[MrsSparkles]

I found out yesterday I was having a boy.
My husband is being supportive, and I picked myself up to look at boy clothes and count my blessings.
But waking up this morning I have no connection anymore to the baby growing inside me.

Last night I dreamt he was adopted by a family who wanted him.
It was a really relaxing dream and made me feel so much better.
I told my husband this morning and he got really angry and said, we couldn't have 'it' adopted what would people say !!!!
I wasn't even suggesting it, just recalling my dream to him.
He then said that I need to accept that it's not what we want, and that we will try again.
At the end of the day, he's not the one who will be caring for another son, he works a lot and so I will be staying at home, so can he really understand?

I've cancelled my private scan which was due in a couple of weeks.
My husband said last night he is not really bothered if we go or not, and I feel like I don't want or need to, and that it will be really upsetting for me to get the official boy confirmation.
I also deleted the pregnancy app on my phone, it used to be so exciting for me to check it every morning and see what was new.
Now I am left dreading the day when I feel movements.
I just don't know what to do, I know I am lucky to have a baby at all, I know that there are lovely ladies who have lost their babies on here who would read this with utter disgust.
I just don't know how to stay positive, and how to reconnect with this life growing inside me.

As soon as I saw the nub on the scan yesterday, all I wanted was to get off the table.

I feel like a dispicable person right now, I just want to take this baby out of me and put it into a lady who wants and deserves it

[BrightSky]

MrsSparkles you are not a dispicable person at all, I think a lot of us here have been in the same position and felt terribly guilty about it too, but it's really hard when all you know about your baby is their gender, you haven't seen his sweet little face yet. Is this your first? Do you know for sure? I've just had my second boy, I elected not to find out the sex as I would have truthfully had these feelings too and now that he is here he is just perfect! Don't get me wrong, I still really want that girl, but there's no way I would change him, he's exactly who he's meant to be and so different to his brother. You are dealing with some strong pregnancy hormones and just the thought of what is to be, you will feel differently once he is here and it sounds like you will be having more, maybe there will be a daughter in your future.

[Kawazza]

Hi MrsSparkle, I feel like I could have written your post myself. I felt like this only a few months ago. Gender disappointment is real and I found this forum really helpful and reading other people stories in the same situation. I felt like such a horrible person also. I really wish I had the answer for you and could make it go away, as GD is awful. When your son is born you will fall in love, and not want to replace him. Hang in there I hope you feel better soon

[MrsSparkles]

MrsSparkles you are not a dispicable person at all, I think a lot of us here have been in the same position and felt terribly guilty about it too, but it's really hard when all you know about your baby is their gender, you haven't seen his sweet little face yet. Is this your first? Do you know for sure? I've just had my second boy, I elected not to find out the sex as I would have truthfully had these feelings too and now that he is here he is just perfect! Don't get me wrong, I still really want that girl, but there's no way I would change him, he's exactly who he's meant to be and so different to his brother. You are dealing with some strong pregnancy hormones and just the thought of what is to be, you will feel differently once he is here and it sounds like you will be having more, maybe there will be a daughter in your future.

Thank you for being able to relate.

This is our 1st biological child together, but I am step mom to DH 2 sons.
His ex-wife had extreme GD, and when they found out their 3rd son was another boy she terminated at 19 weeks, she then went onto have an affair with her work colleague.

My Dh told me from day one that he wanted us to have a DD, and I felt the same way, and that we could have a 'first' for both of us.
I know it sounds silly, but I don't even want his ex to know we are having a boy, because she'd gloat that Dh has 'had another boy'

His kids are great, and I really like them, but I do always wish they were girls.
I have such strong connections to my goddaughters, and find it such a joy to look after them.
However when my nephews 2 and 8 need babysitting, I tend to make excuses.

[MrsSparkles]

Hi MrsSparkle, I feel like I could have written your post myself. I felt like this only a few months ago. Gender disappointment is real and I found this forum really helpful and reading other people stories in the same situation. I felt like such a horrible person also. I really wish I had the answer for you and could make it go away, as GD is awful. When your son is born you will fall in love, and not want to replace him. Hang in there I hope you feel better soon

Hope so, because right now all the things I had planned i don't want to do.
I don't want anymore scans, I don't want that perfect home birth in my head-and will instead go for the c-section my consultant was pushing for, I definitely don't want to breastfeed (have today ordered formula and bottles).
Right now I am wondering why I didn't realise exactly how strong my GD was, and thinking we should have not tried to sway and been happy not having a baby.

I should have known this would happen, every time a friend announces she's having a boy I feel such pity, like they've just had the worst news.
Perhaps people with such strong preferences as mine should not even attempt to conceive, I don't know

[BrightSky]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, maybe there is someone u can talk to and get your head around everything before the birth? Don't give up on your dream birth or breastfeeding if you want to do it, babies are all pretty much the same regardless of gender anyway and it's such an amazing experience, I hope you do find some joy in it. Is HT an option for another child?

[Kawazza]

Hope so, because right now all the things I had planned i don't want to do.
I don't want anymore scans, I don't want that perfect home birth in my head-and will instead go for the c-section my consultant was pushing for, I definitely don't want to breastfeed (have today ordered formula and bottles).
Right now I am wondering why I didn't realise exactly how strong my GD was, and thinking we should have not tried to sway and been happy not having a baby.

I should have known this would happen, every time a friend announces she's having a boy I feel such pity, like they've just had the worst news.
Perhaps people with such strong preferences as mine should not even attempt to conceive, I don't know

Please believe me I felt the above also. It really is awful.
I think you should have your scans, now you know it's a boy you can say hello and start to heal.

[rainbowflower]

I think it's quite normal after you find out you're having an opposite to feel a sort of depression for some time. It's a bit like a grieving process (grieving the dream you had) and at first it's hard to imagine feeling less pain but gradually it does ease

My only advice is to make no big decisions right now and be kind to yourself.

I found choosing a name I loved helped a lot, and eventually a 4d scan helped me bond too. Granted there weren't many boys names i even liked... but certainly once I had chosen one it helped me to think of him as "my son".

Someone once said "a lot of what you wanted in a girl is possible in how you parent your boy" . But equally a girl would have been no guarantee of that bond you're after as sex doesn't determine their personality.

I now have 3 boys, my second was the result of a pink sway. But he's adorable now I've got.to know his character and bonded with him properly (something thats hard to do while he's still in your tummy). He loves rainbows, nature, cars, and baking and would do anything to help me in the kitchen! He's very helpful and affectionate. That's his personality that i love and is independent of which body he is in.

Your baby will be their own person too and that will make them special once you meet them.

Be patient - these dark feelings wont last forever xx

[MrsSparkles]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, maybe there is someone u can talk to and get your head around everything before the birth? Don't give up on your dream birth or breastfeeding if you want to do it, babies are all pretty much the same regardless of gender anyway and it's such an amazing experience, I hope you do find some joy in it. Is HT an option for another child?

I spoke to my sister today.
She said that for her the GD hasn't gone away, and her youngest son is 2 now.
She said she can't lie and that she is so happy I am having boy, because she couldn't have coped with the green eyed monster had we heard pink.
I don't want to be like that. I genuinely am so happy for the ladies who get their DG on here. And I don't want to be overtaken by jelousy.

My best friend had GD too, her boyfriend has 6 daughters and she wanted to give him a son.
She had the most precious girl, and he left her two weeks after, but he would have had it been a boy. He's just horrible.
But I did think 6 kids 3 mums, do some guys just throw one gender.
I know everyone says it's not true, but I am worried now that even if we go HT we won't get any female embryos !

[MrsSparkles]

Please believe me I felt the above also. It really is awful.
I think you should have your scans, now you know it's a boy you can say hello and start to heal.

I really can't bring myself to go to another scan.