Please help

[Throwaway_panther]

Talked to my husband. Explained how I feel. Marriage now over.

Every couples counselor in the world recommends not making life changing decisions in the heat of emotions -- anger, grief, etc. I hope you both can take some time to reevaluate before making any moves. Your DH saying those things to you probably comea from his own suffering -- seeing you suffer, fearing his inability to contril the situation, fear of losing an unborn child. Not an excuse for him, but I image he's in a hard place to to suggest anything I'm inferring here. You are NOT a bad mother, or a bad woman, or a bad person. Many husbands don't get ot, and many have a hard time verbalizing how GD makes them feel, especially if it's their wives' GD. Pregnancy is an impossible to describe period of time to men, and I don't think they (or even us) can navigate that turmoil alone. Couples counseling could really help.

If you haven't felt a benefit from counseling before, perhaps you didn't find the right therapist OR the right method. CBT isn't for everyone; some people benefit more form psychotherapy, EDM, biofeedback, or just CBT from a different practioner. I really hope you keep looking for help. I had horrible experiences with therapy as a child, and now don't think I'd still be alive if I hadn't found my current therapist who's been my rock. It's worth it to find one, because you DO deserve to be happy, but I don't think you're capable of seeing that right now by yourself. There isn't a proper way to feel in all of this -- it's ok to not want this baby, it's ok to not want to be pregnant. The issue is when you feel unable to make a healthy decision (not taking care of yourself, for one) or think you don't deserve happiness. Those are far more troublung to me than any sort of dark thoughts towards your baby. The dark thoughts towards him can change -- the "don't deserve happiness" and "inadequate" might stick around in other ways postpartum, so please, please try and talk to a professional.

I'd add, too, that pregnancy or wanting a baby are hardly the most basic parts of motherhood. People have been thrust into motherhood by force for milennia, or adopted, etc. Just trying your best is enough, and frankly? You're already doing that. You sought help, advice. You're challenging your dark thoughts. You're already worried about your unborn son's future.

It's hard to see it in the state you're in -- I know it well. But you're not horrible. You're going through something really hard right now. I'm just so sorry your husband isn't offering the support you need.

[lindz]

Believe when I say having a baby is the best. They are just so cute and it's fun watching them learn new things. I didn't want my second boy, but around 34 weeks started to get excited and now he's here and I'm really happy. It's so fricken hard seeing everyone with their daughters, but at the same time my two boys are amazing. I'm planning on going HT for a girl in a year or so, I focus on the fact that I will hopefully have a daughter one day, and enjoy the children I have in the meantime. A part of me didn't want to make all the sacrifices that come with breastfeeding for this second baby, but then I thought about how I'm most likely only having three children. Why shouldn't I try to be the best mom I can to every one of them? (Not that you need to breastfeed to be a good mom but choosing to give less to one child only because of gender feels wrong to me). There's no part of me that thinks I'll love my daughter more just because I want her more than I wanted boys. So many people wish they could have biological children, so many people wish they could breastfeed, why should I take it for granted just because my life hasn't gone at all the way I planned? Other than cute girl clothes, gender doesn't even matter for the first couple years. I'm happy to do whatever makes my older son happy, but it isn't stereotypical boy stuff yet at least. I will share all my hobbies with him, just like I would a girl as well. You don't have to be excited about this pregnancy. Just get through it. When he's here, I really think you'll feel differently. Being a mom is seriously the best thing that has happened to me, and seeing how much my son loves me is one of the best feelings in the world


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[EVERAFTER]

Many of us have dealt with gender disappointment severe… I was severely Depressed for months… I will tell you I love my son so much! I wouldn't trade him for anything! Do I still want to girl… Absolutely… My love for my baby defies gender. He isn't a boy to me or a girl to me he is my amazing child… I truly didn't get this until I had him. It will kick in for you. I promise!


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[Claire33]

I had GD with my first baby (and second and third). I wanted a girl (several girls) since I was a child. So I felt that my dream of a little girl was crushed and there I was stuck with a baby I didn't want. My 3rd pregnancy was the worst. But the funny thing is, when the baby comes, you love them anyway, more than life itself! Your feelings for your baby during pregnancy won't dictate how you feel when he's here. You will fall head over heels in love with him, even if you don't get it now.

Remember, the most important part of motherhood you will be getting, and you are so going to enjoy it! I breastfed my 3 boys, so don't decide on how you feed him until after he's born. You'll be surprised how natural it feels to breastfeed your baby. You will experience unconditional love, hugs and cuddles, watch a little person grow and develop, start talking, walking, developing interests. You can read to him, sing him to sleep, be his best friend, talk to him, give him advice, shower him with love. Little boys NEED their mothers!! YOU are the one who will help decide if he becomes a wonderful caring father himself one day, have good self esteem and feel like a worthwhile person. Imagine what wonderful things you can do for this little human being? Most of the motherhood things will be there for you!! So what if he is interested in cars and not Barbies? You will get to know all the names of all of Lightning McQueen's friends, dinosaurs and superheros. It will be fun because he thinks it's fun! So you won't be able to buy frilly dresses, but you'll put him in nice shirts and comb his hair instead, it's only superficial.

He is going to be your best friend, just wait and see! Remember, he needs his mommy, and you will be a great mother! Give yourself time now, don't beat yourself up over this, be kind to yourself. You will be ok and you will be surprised at how much love you can have for a little person. You will be ok and you will rock!!

[Throwaway_panther]

I'd add to Claire's post, too, that thereis no guarantee of him liking "boy" stuff. I personally have a huge issue witheven labeling toys or interests as gendered, especially in youth. I was into the "boy" things my whole life, and there are plenty of boys into "girl" things, especially if it's fostered by parents instead of being suppressed.

I wish there was a way for you to see my and other's old posts. I think GD is cruel at all times for us to deal with, but there's a particular torture with having it with your first where you don't yet know firsthand the biological love and bond we're all referring to. It's so hard to believe it will happen for you until you experience it, but you WILL experience it.

[oceancitymom]

Hello, I saw your post and just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Many of us here have felt devastated when we didn't hear the gender we wanted during pregnancy. I never wanted sons, but now that I have them, they are the loves of my life, and I would not change them for anything. I felt detached during my first pregnancy but not my second, since by then I already knew how wonderful and magical it is to have a son. My longing for a girl never went away, but I am able to enjoy my life as a mother to boys because I've realized children are little people, with their own hearts and minds and personalities and gender doesn't define who they are or my experience mothering them. Last night I had it rough trying to put the boys to bed - with them continuing to get up; it was driving me crazy. But you know what they were doing? They kept coming into my bed to kiss me! I couldn't be mad! Finally I thought I had them down when my six-year-old crept in (near 11 PM!) and skulked up onto my bed, burying his head in my neck and whispering, "Mommy. I just miss you too much."

I will be thinking about you. I sobbed when I found out my first was a boy. My husband was taken aback but ultimately he was compassionate. I took comfort in his excitement about having a son, even though it took me longer to share in it. I wish you peace and happiness and I think you will find it when you meet your special boy.

[ChezIBY]

It's been a couple of days, and there aren't any new posts on this thread :/

How are you doing AmyJ? How is it going? Do post an update...

[AmyJ]

Hi all

I wanted to come back and say a huge thank you to you all for your support last weekend. I am blown away by how kind and supportive you have all been.

To update, my husband and I talked and we are working everything out. He really is a good man, I just think neither of us were expecting my reaction last week and didn't handle it in the best way. But we talked and I'm working on getting therapy. I'm trying the things people suggested to help bond with the baby and the sickness is easing too which has made a huge difference. I'm not "there" yet but I can see that one day I can be and right now that's a good start.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your help and kindness last week.xxx

[ChezIBY]

You go girl Give yourself time
Of course you and your husband werre a bit overwhelmed, it's your first time after all too (if I have understood correctly?) Of course you can work through everything, he sounds great and so do you
You hang in there now and keep us posted from time to time!