Any Advice Please

[happyhappy]

I am hoping that some of you may be able to help....

I have three wonderful sons (9,5,2) who I wouldn't change for the world, I love every single bit of them. I tell them every single day, they are cuddle and kissed without measure & have no idea aoput my desire for a daughter. However I cant get rid of this awful GD, my heart is so heavy and it's staring to have a huge and wide reaching negative impact.

The GD really took hold when we found out our third baby was another boy. Last summer we took the plunge and went HT, but we didn't have a good enough embryo to put back (we had four eggs retrieved, all fertilized, 2 boys and 2 girls). The dream was within reach, I could almost see and feel my daughter. I got thought the IVF (although it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life) but when it failed it was awful.

My husband doesn't want any more children (although seeing how much I wanted/ needed a daughter he was happy to go down the HT route) and I would be worried about it being another boy. The GD is really deep routed and starting to cause cracks between me and my husband.

You see, the trouble is, while having a daughter is still a possibility I can't let it go. But I need to let it go, I have to find a way forward but I don't know where I am going now! I guess once I move on and pack up that dream, that path that I so desperately want to go down, then it's over & I can't bring myself to believe that it's over, while there is a possibility. I just can't. But if I don't things are going to get worse, so I must. But how do I lock all this emotion away when there is still a possibility?

I wondered if any of you had any advice?
xx

[Throwaway_panther]

Have you talked to a professional at all? A therapist or counselor or psychologist?

That's kind of my go to advice always, because I think for many of us, there are some deeper issues aligned with wanting a certain sexed child that can be worked through beyond just having that child.

That said, I don't think it's the end all cure all, but even navigating these difficult emotions with a trained professional REALLY can help. I honestly don't think I'd be alive if I hadn't had my therapist during my pregnancy, and that's not hyperbole. There are definitely therapists and counselors out there who are not going to pass judgment on GD, will understand GD (or at least learn to understand and thus help you cope), and so on.

In the meantime and outside of that -- locking away emotions isn't what helps us move forward. Owning and then coping with the emotions in healthy ways is the way forward, so please don't think you need to suppress yourself, especially for anyone else's sake. Instead, figuring out why that desire is there and seeing how to sate that desire in maybe different ways or with your sons. Again, a professional would help so well with this!

Can I ask though, too, IF the dream in the meantime has to be over? I'm never one to push IVF/HT because of the things you alluded to -- it's a no-joke procedure that has many more risks than just financial, and I'm sorry you had a traumatic experience with it. Is it possible your husband might change his mind with further talk, especially if he was already willing to go down the HT route with you?

I'm not sure what the right answer is -- I have no answer myself. But I'm hoping the various things we can talk about and ask ourselves here can help, and that a therapist is within your reach <3

[ChezIBY]

I am hoping that some of you may be able to help....

I have three wonderful sons (9,5,2) who I wouldn't change for the world, I love every single bit of them. I tell them every single day, they are cuddle and kissed without measure & have no idea aoput my desire for a daughter. However I cant get rid of this awful GD, my heart is so heavy and it's staring to have a huge and wide reaching negative impact.

The GD really took hold when we found out our third baby was another boy. Last summer we took the plunge and went HT, but we didn't have a good enough embryo to put back (we had four eggs retrieved, all fertilized, 2 boys and 2 girls). The dream was within reach, I could almost see and feel my daughter. I got thought the IVF (although it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life) but when it failed it was awful.

My husband doesn't want any more children (although seeing how much I wanted/ needed a daughter he was happy to go down the HT route) and I would be worried about it being another boy. The GD is really deep routed and starting to cause cracks between me and my husband.

You see, the trouble is, while having a daughter is still a possibility I can't let it go. But I need to let it go, I have to find a way forward but I don't know where I am going now! I guess once I move on and pack up that dream, that path that I so desperately want to go down, then it's over & I can't bring myself to believe that it's over, while there is a possibility. I just can't. But if I don't things are going to get worse, so I must. But how do I lock all this emotion away when there is still a possibility?

I wondered if any of you had any advice?
xx

Reaching out with my best wishes and just want to give you a huge hug and say how much I think it is important that what you underlined first is your deep love for your three DSs. So yes, there's GD, but you would have liked a daughter besides your DSs, with them, you wouldn't have changed a thing (so, not like you want one of your DSs gone and replaced by a girl), and that I think is already a huge thing.

That being said, i definitely agree with Panther here - no way is letting the issue lie a good solution, it needs to be tackled and explored, but probably with the help of someone well equipped to do so, so yes, probably a therapist (have you any possibility of looking into therapy?) cause even super close friends, while they might get it without judging you, will maybe not have the good solutions at hand. (And DH is too closely involved in the issue). This needs to be delved into deeper in order to permit eventual healing.

Let's see what Atomic and the veterans advise too, right, and then you can plan out your course of action.

You're in my thoughts, stay strong!

[happyhappy]

Thank you so much both for your kind and very helpful words.

I agree with you both that the time has come to ask for help from a therapist. I am UK based and am keen to find someone who has some experience of issues surrounding GD or even under the wider umbrella of PND, so I think this is where my first steps will be - thank you for your encouragement. I would ask my doctor for advice (I'm much less afraid of asking for help now than I was even a short time ago, especially with the support of my husband) but I am worried that if I go thought these more 'formal' and 'recorded channels', then if they day ever comes where we may consider adoption (I'm not in that place right now, but I'm not one to rule of things for the future) then this may become a problem for me (in terms of a mental health issue therefore I would not be considered suitable for adoption. I'm not sure if this would be the case, but I really don't want to risk it), so I think I will start to look without their support or advice.

Thank you Throwaway_panther for asking about going HT again. My husband isn't against trying HT again (esp. if we could find somewhere where microsort is legal & safe) but right now I just don't have the strength to do this again. On an emotional level it crippled me and physically it was tough - although that I could do again. I think that going through it again who break me and may well break up my family and I love my family far too much to risk doing this to them and me. We have talked about trying naturally, and for a while after our failed HT in the summer we tried, but the more I have tried to unpick my emotion the more I realised that as much as I tried to trick myself that I would just be happy with our baby regardless of the gender, I realised that if it was another boy I woudl feel the same. So I really need to deal with coming to terms with not having a DD, working through this before we do anything like that. It's the moving on & coming to terms with closing the door on the path that I so deeply believe was designed for me that I am finding so hard - so thank you for your wise advice.

Thank you ChezIBY for noticing how much I do love my wonderful boys - you are perfectly right, they are the most special and wonderful thing in my life, and this has not been, for one second, about changing them, not wanting them or replacing them in nay way. I am so blessed to have them, they fill my heart with such love and I must work hard and finding this love in places that we can share it- I find it hard to pretend I love football, guns and cars, but there are things that we can love together. I must seek these places out and help our love & closeness grow here, a closeness I guess I dreamed of with my DD.

Thank you both again very much x