Feeling obssessed and over GD

[Rosequartz]

Feeling like crap not wanting to TTC again because of these intense feelings. Even though I feel very lucky to have DS I can't shake these annoying GD feelings. Although I wish it was called something other than disappointment as he's far from it! I'm the disappointment! Just like to know how you ladies deal with it.
Thanks!!

[Rosequartz]

Hello? Anyone out there feeling the same or felt the same who has made peace somehow?

[Complex Emotions]

Rosequartz, you're not alone. Like you, I have a son who I'm in awe of. Still, I'm consumed with the fear of never having a daughter.

I don't know the details of your situation, but can you give yourself time to work through these feelings before trying to conceive again? I ended-up having more time than I'd expected because I've swayed well over a year and still haven't gotten pregnant. It sounds horrible I know, but it's been a gift in some ways. Maybe more time would help you too?

Early on I feared I might resent another boy since his birth would mean never having a daughter. But the older my son gets (he's almost 3 now) the more I yearn to experience pregnancy one more time, and to see my son become a big brother. Facing the possibility that we might never conceive again is deeply painful, but mercifully it's taken some of the edge off GD. Being unable to get pregnant has brought me to terms with just how beyond anyone's control the whole situation is. There was a time when I might have blamed myself for not swaying hard enough, but after everything we've been through I don't see how I could feel that way anymore.

For me, the hardest part of GD is the shame and isolation. What we're experiencing isn't uncommon, but it's deeply taboo. There's immense pressure to demonstrate complete joy in all aspects of pregnancy and motherhood. To express disappointment in one's child seems unthinkable. To even have a thought like that, as a new mom, made me see myself as a monster. But we're not at all alone in this. Once my eyes were opened to GD I see it everywhere. If I do subtly mention it, to a counselor or a doctor for example, more often then not they pipe up saying they've felt that way themselves or they know a friend or relative going through it.

By this point I've accepted longing for a daughter is normal. I know I'd find my way to love a second son, but I expect the pregnancy would be very, very hard. I'm trying to build my heart up for it. I've made a loose plan about where and how I'd learn the sex, and I have an idea of how I'd give myself time to privately grieve if need be. I'd give myself permission to downplay the pregnancy socially. I'd try to let myself work through the feelings without self judgment.

Also, I'm not on social media anymore. I don't want to put myself through the jealousy or the pressure of representing some ideal of a family. It's actually helped a lot.

Never having a daughter would likely be one of the greatest sadnesses of my life. It might truly take a lifetime to come to terms with it, yet I still think it would be less than the regret I'd feel over never having a second child at all.

Best wishes to you, Rosequartz. You are not alone.

[Rosequartz]

Thank you so much for replying Complex emotions. It really helps to know I'm not alone - it's very difficult to discuss with people around me! Like you I have been / am working through my feelings and emotions and very strangely have started feeling angry at the idea of wanting a baby girl so much! How dare this hypothetical baby girl cause me so much anguish and detract from the here and now with my son! So that has surprised me! If we're lucky enough to get pregnant I won't find out the sex - we did the first time and I'm not good at lying so told most people. Their reactions were pretty good really but from what I've seen and heard it changes with a second. People can say the silliest things but I guess it's only natural that people want you to have what you don't already have. Anyway I don't need people's judgement or dissapointment. I would also like the surprise! I am trying to do a good "girl sway" which I think will make it easier to accept if I do have another boy - gosh just saying that makes me feel guilty! But we both know that we would love another little boy unconditionally but like you we're only having 2 so that will be it for us! Although I have thought about adopting a little girl but DH says he doesn't want the drama! Anyway, I am curious to know from women who have felt GD with their first (being a boy) who've gone on to have a girl whether it's everything they thought it would be? I wonder if I'm the sort of person who if I did have a daughter, would be obsessed about something else?? Does that make sense? It's interesting that I seem to believe in the assumption that having a daughter would complete me somehow- but the more I work through my feelings the more I'm beginning to question this notion. I don't know about yourself but I have a complicated albeit lovely relationship with my mum / I know I would like to replicate that with a daughter, but I also know she might have other ideas and decide to live on the other side of the world and I might be closer to my son! Anyway, in having written all this I do think it's other people's judgments/comments that really seem to affect me - as if somehow you can choose your family! And yet these same people would be probably horrified at the thought of HT options! Haha. Can't win can you! We thought about HT but in the end can't justify the trauma of IVF and the expense! However, if we couldn't get pregnant naturally that would be an option. Would that be an option for you? Anyway, thank you again for opening up. I really hope you get your little girl and that we can both find happiness and acceptance regardless. Hugs x

[Rosequartz]

Ps a lot of what you have felt is exactly how I've felt / feel too

[Complex Emotions]

If we're lucky enough to get pregnant I won't find out the sex

I really respect that.

For me, I'd plan to find out right away using the ten week blood test because I might need a while to accept and adjust before the baby would be due.

[Complex Emotions]

...I wonder if I'm the sort of person who if I did have a daughter, would be obsessed about something else?

In my case this GD stuff is only the most recent obsession in a lifetime of fixations. I've always had a one-track mind that circles endlessly around one obsession before breaking free one way or another and then gravitating to something else. It's some kind of thought addiction. Could it be connected to OCD or anxiety disorder?

One thing that really surprised me a while back was when I reread an old journal entry were I'd written about how I hoped to have a son someday - not just to be a mother, but I specifically I said I was hoping I'd have a son. That really, really surprised me. Is this longing for a daughter all just an illusion? Or maybe it's a biological thing set in motion when my first was a boy, like if I'd have had a daughter than maybe I'd be swaying for a boy now.

It's also possible that I'm feeling some kind of a subconscious generational longing for a daughter, since my husband's branch of the family tree has long line of (almost) all boy children.

[Complex Emotions]

We thought about HT but in the end can't justify the trauma of IVF and the expense! However, if we couldn't get pregnant naturally that would be an option. Would that be an option for you?

We're both creative types who's skill sets don't exactly line up with economic demand. I can't even imagine the regret I'd feel if it didn't work and we still owed all that money. I recently had a couple of fertility check related appointments (the news was all good!) and even just paying for those hurt.

If we'd been unable to conceive at all, I'd probably accept the costs and risks of IVF. But, we'd originally only planned to have one child anyway, and since we already have a healthy little boy, we've decided that we'll only have another if it happens naturally.

[Rosequartz]

Hi Complex Emotions,
Many thanks for taking the time to answer my post so thoughtfully.
I feel the same way as you / I have these little/big obsessions too! I have anxiety so I know it's linked to that! Very interesting that you found your old diary entry which said you hoped to have a son, it must've been a nice surprise. I also had a similar experience - over the years I've been buying baby clothes well before I was even pregnant and found I bought just as many boys clothes as girls so I know this has nothing to do with not wanting to have a son at all! As cliched as it sounds I wouldn't trade him for anything not even a daughter!! But I do think it's completely natural to have a preference but perhaps not so natural to obsess over it iykwim. I absolute 100% agree with you re HT not only is the expense an issue but not having it work, in my opinion, would not be worth it. I completely understand finding out the sex at the ultrasound and giving yourself time to work through your emotions. I am going to take a chance because I want to minimise feeling emotional during pregnancy. i know some would say it might be worse to hold out hope through the pregnancy but I figure this is my last chance to hold onto that hope so I'm going to! Becaue it may be the closest I get to having a daughter and I'm not going to deny myself those feelings. If I need help afterwards I'll seek it but I'm so ready to love another child that that outweighs this daughter obsession! Thanks for helping me through this too - I mean I'm sure it'll come up again but I'm willing to make peace with it however I can. I wish you all the best

[pinkfairydust]

In my case this GD stuff is only the most recent obsession in a lifetime of fixations. I've always had a one-track mind that circles endlessly around one obsession before breaking free one way or another and then gravitating to something else. It's some kind of thought addiction. Could it be connected to OCD or anxiety disorder?

One thing that really surprised me a while back was when I reread an old journal entry were I'd written about how I hoped to have a son someday - not just to be a mother, but I specifically I said I was hoping I'd have a son. That really, really surprised me. Is this longing for a daughter all just an illusion? Or maybe it's a biological thing set in motion when my first was a boy, like if I'd have had a daughter than maybe I'd be swaying for a boy now.

It's also possible that I'm feeling some kind of a subconscious generational longing for a daughter, since my husband's branch of the family tree has long line of (almost) all boy children.

I feel exactly the same about this DD obsession being the latest in a number of one track mind obsessions I've had throughout my life. It does help me when I remind myself of that. Some of my old obsessions now no longer bother me at all

I also KNOW that life won't suddenly be perfect if I get a daughter. I know I'm kidding myself when I see having a DDas some kind of magic pill which will mean I'm always happy and complete. However when I rationalise this, I know it probably won't affect me to the extent I think it will. I'd definitely move on to some other obsession (it'll probably be repeptitive thoughts that I'm going to die and not see my daughter grow up)

I'd also be keen to hear from women who got their girls but who realised (even tho they love them unconditionally) if they found getting the daughter wasn't the revelation they expected?

I'd also love to hear from people who had boys who are now all grown up and see if GD still enters their head anymore?