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Thread: How do you deal with GD?
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September 26th, 2017, 06:53 AM #1
How do you deal with GD?
I never wanted to be writing this post, but I just can’t shake this new and terrible feeling of GD. Several days ago we found out that our baby is a boy after swaying so hard for another girl. I don’t even know how to eloquently share my feelings because I feel so selfish in feeling this way about a baby that I haven’t met yet, and especially after trying so hard for months to get pregnant. I’m internalizing this in a way that probably isn’t healthy and it’s shaken me to the core. When I found out that I was pregnant, I had convinced myself that it was a girl because I wanted one so badly. I had a great sway - Femara, husband on SSRI, LE diet, one attempt, exercise, etc. This was a much more intense version of what I was doing when I naturally conceived my DD’s. And somehow I’m having a boy. And I hate even typing that because I don’t want to downplay the blessing that he is. I just can’t really sort my feelings out because I feel like I “lost” my third baby girl and the bonds that she would have created with my daughters, the same way that I have with my three sisters. I’m worried that with such a large age gap, he won’t be close to my daughters the way that a sister would. I’m worried that I don’t know anything about boys. I’m worried about having a future daughter in law (I have a tough relationship with my MIL). I’ve been having a very hard time sleeping at night and can’t stop thinking about this. I know that it’s still new news and will take more time to process and get comfortable with, but I’m so worried that I’m losing some bonding during my pregnancy, and even more worried that the GD will manifest to something larger when he is born. Having a newborn is tough enough, and these feelings just complicate it for me.
I’ve really tried to avoid this topic on the boards and prayed that I’d never be here. But now that I am, I would love some insight from any of you that have gotten through this.
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September 26th, 2017, 10:19 AM #2Dream Vet
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I'm very sorry to hear you're dealing with GD, especially with the struggles you had over the last year.
For what it's worth, I do have some thoughts. I think trying to reframe how you're viewing the future can help tremendously (and doing that is about the only thing that's helped me survive 4 losses in a row).
Your son could be closer to your girls than another DD. They are not tremendously older than him, but old enough that he will be THEIR baby as well -- they are at the age where they will start to nurture and care for those younger than them, and a baby boy will probably be a very exciting, novel baby for them.
Another girl might have fit more of a competitive role for them (not necessarily everyone, but there's a Middle Sister brand of wine for a reason haha).
And I always think this, but... there is no guarantee your son will be straight, will get married, etc. And even if he is straight and does marry a woman, you have the chance to make right with your possible future DIL where your own MIL failed you, since tou have experienced this.
There's no use worrying about something that might not happen. Your boy will also very likely be interested in things your girls are, by rite of growing up with them. Instead of focusing on all the ways your son will be different, cherish the ways he might be the same as your daughters.
As for losing bonding during the pregnancy -- I have no advice. It sucks to have months of dread, but maybe by your third tri having that end goal will help, too. And the fears of not bonding after birth are very common, but they are much more common than the reality -- which is that you WILL love your son, even if it's so hard to picture now.
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September 26th, 2017, 04:35 PM #3
I'm so sorry, Max. I can't imagine the shock that you are feeling after being so committed to your sway and already having girls. Sending you tons of hugs! I don't think you should rush yourself through these feelings right now. As painful as it is, I think it is important to let them all cycle through and take their course.
This is something that may not make a difference for you, but may be worth a try. I can totally see how it feels like you won't be able to share a bond with a boy after coming from a family of girls and having girls of your own. If you can, try to dig up some baby/childhood pictures of the men you love most in your life (husband, father, grandfather, etc.). I think that seeing those men as babies/little boys and knowing what a strong love/bond you have now could help you to imagine the bond you will have with your own little boy.
I wish there was something we could do to take away the pain right now, but please know that we are all here for you!
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September 26th, 2017, 08:30 PM #4
Hi there,
I'm so sorry you feel this way. GD is horrible. I felt like this after I found out I was having DS3 last year. I feel so bad saying this now as I absolutely love him to bits. I wish I had never found out when I was pregnant, as the last few months were hard. You really want something, it's not going to happen. It's done and you just have to accept that, and that is hard. I think the universe likes to give us a different experience sometimes, I never imagined I'd have 3 boys! They are so sweet though, they give me lots of kisses and hugs and say they love me.
For me once he was born, it got better. As soon as I had him in my arms I loved him and it didn't matter that he was a boy. He fits into our family perfectly. I'm sure you will love him once you have him. Time does help.
I think your girls will love having a brother. I think it depends on the personality of your siblings not their gender as to how you get along. I have a sister and a brother, and its always been easier for me to get along with my brother. We have a similar personality and sense of humour, and i have many memories of laughter from my childhood with him, couldn't imagine it without him. I get along with my sister too, but we fought more growing up. We were always compared since we were both girls and i hated that, i never had that competition with my brother because he was a boy, and it made getting along easier. You just don't know how your family is going to work out.
As for the mother in law thing, i think you will have a different perspective of her now that you will have a boy. I do. Every time i feel negative about mine, i think....well she raised my DH and he is a wonderful husband so she did something right, and i'm forever grateful to her for that.
How does your DH feel? Most women want a girl and most men would like a son. Is he excited?
You are going to be fine, sometimes things don't work out like we want them too and that's just life. I can say this, not getting what you want for me anyway has been a very humbling experience. It's out of your control, let go and trust that the universe knows what's its doing.
Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy
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September 27th, 2017, 06:31 PM #5
I understand it's not what you pictured but I think after your son is born you'll wonder why you wanted it any other way. Be prepared to be thoroughly charmed--that's what usually happens.
You might not realize it now but you really would have missed out on something special by only having one sex. That's why so very many of us are on here hoping for the opposite of what we already have. It isn't what you had in mind but you'll grow in a way you've never experienced before. I wish I could experience that.
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Post Thanks / Like - 0 Thanks, 1 Likes, 0 DislikesMommy2apples liked this post
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September 28th, 2017, 01:32 PM #6
Thank you all for all of your kind words and advice. It's taken me several days of trying to process things and rationalize that they will be fine before I was able to even log back in and check this. I'm really praying that with time, I'll see that this was always meant to be this way. Right now, I feel like I'm literally always on the verge of tears. I have an OB appointment today and am thinking of asking her for a recommendation of someone to talk to further about this. I'm just shocked at my feelings and inability to come to terms with this not being my DD, and I hate that so, so much!
https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24dd4d
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Post Thanks / Like - 0 Thanks, 2 Likes, 0 DislikesMommy2apples, srg09cag11 liked this post
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October 2nd, 2017, 09:02 AM #7
Max!! I honestly can't even read through the comments bc I know they are going to say how this little boy will steal your heart. Just know I'm right there with, think about it way too often and just wish I didn't feel this way! Now that I've known for a while, it's getting better. I just catch myself pretending or thinking if this was/is a boy how much more excited I'd be. But, you and I both just wanted another baby and for that I'm grateful. I just think we both thought it would be our boy/girl how we envisioned it I find social media, mostly Instagram for me does not help my situation. I see others situations and get jealous or comments about girls and drama upset me (when I don't feel my girls are very dramatic) but I've been trying to remember "comparison is the thief of joy" and move on
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Post Thanks / Like - 0 Thanks, 1 Likes, 0 Dislikessrg09cag11 liked this post
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October 5th, 2017, 02:14 PM #8
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October 10th, 2017, 11:47 AM #9
Ladies, my GD is getting worse. I don't know how to process it, but it's very real. I feel like I'm totally disconnecting from my pregnancy and find myself wondering if I made a mistake by pushing my husband to keep trying month after month when it didn't happen. I wonder if that was a sign that it just wasn't meant to be. I just can't for whatever reason find excitement in having a son. I know many friends (and also my sisters) have sons and they have positive, healthy relationships with them. And logically I know I'll have the same, but emotionally I just don't feel it. I don't want to resent this baby, this pregnancy, and I'm terrified of getting post-partum depression.
For those of you that worked through it, can you please help me with some tips? I'm finding myself obsessing over this day and night and these hormones cannot be good for the baby....
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October 11th, 2017, 07:54 AM #10Dream Vet
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I can assure you: your thoughts and feelings are NOT affecting the baby. Take a look at my posts when I was pregnant with DD. She is super smart, happy, loving, etc. I had full blown antepartum depression from her, even.
Therapy helps. I really urge you to talk to a professional. I also can't remember how far along you are, but it got easier for me in my third trimester. Something about being "almost done" helped ease the GD a bit.
Now I'm a planner, so planning my boy sway helped me. But planning other stuff did too: the nursery, getting meals prepled and frozen, even labor, etc. All of that really helped me get through those awful months. Exercise helps too!! Especially when I could get outside.
I hope all of that can help. I remember how bad it can be. I'm almost at that point just because I'm starting to feel that despair all over again from my most recent loss. So I'm trying to keep myself afloat again, too.
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