Venting, again ...

[begonia]

I had a rotten weekend. 2 friends announced they're expecting boys and they both have 2 girls already. Freaking fabulous. I cried literally all day on Saturday. I was volunteering with a woman today who had 4 sons (all grown now) and I was just totally envious.

I hate how GD has ruined so much about my life lately. And yet there's nothing I can do about it. I just keep telling myself I can't compare my family to everyone else's and my family is all I've got, so I better enjoy it. I'm hoping that sinks in but honestly, all I feel lately is mad at my "bad" luck and myself for ever even wanting a son. I know I'm blessed to have a healthy baby/pregnancy and all that, really ... I do. I have dear friends who can't get pg, friends who have lost living children, friends who have miscarried. I SEE that I am blessed; but I don't FEEL that way at all. Borrowed perspective is not the same as living through something yourself, and since I haven't lost a child/miscarried/etc THIS is my reality. I feel quite cursed, not so much because of this baby but because of my attitude towards this baby. I dreamt last night that I lost this baby and in my dream, I felt like I had dodged a bullet. I was thrilled to move on with my life.

I can't change this baby or the fact that I already have two girls. All I can change is my own attitude and perspective about it, but I can't for the life of me GET there. I have said it before and I mean it, I know I'll love DD3, I know I'll be happy to have her, but I fear that I will always look at families who have boys and be eaten up with envy, and look at my own family and feel disappointment. Not in them as people, but in the fact that we couldn't have a son when all I ever hoped for was a whole bunch of boys

[LolaInLove]

Oh B, this made me sad to read, and I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend have a baby on Friday, and I remember like yesterday her text that she was pg. It's a girl, but still, made me really sad. I would have freaked too if I had 2 friends having boys after 2 girls. I don't know what to say, other than you keep on posting here and venting your feelings. I think that is always therapeutic in a way to just say/write how you feel. Do you talk to your DH about it? Sometimes there is nothing that can heal these feelings but time. I'm so sorry you are having these dreams and feel so terrible about it. You know you are in my prayers, hun. Vent away anytime you need, as you know there are tons of ladies on here who have experienced what you do and can be super helpful. I can just offer you my virtual shoulder. xxoo

[begonia]

Thank you lovely Lola for being so understanding! I think you're right that really it's just going to take some time; I just can't believe it is THIS bad, KWIM? I really, really didn't ever think I'd feel this way.

DH does know all of it, and has been super supportive, which surprises me. I'm so thankful for that though. He just keeps saying we'll have a 4th, LOL, because that's what men do, fix things But the idea of a 4th at this point is so overwhelming; right now I'm just so caught up in the fact that none of my 3 are my DG.

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm so sorry you are down. I know how you feel. I've been there. I really hope you can talk him into going HT when you are ready.

[CapricornAquarius]

[Hobbermittens]

I totally know how you feel. I really, really do. I KNOW I have one boy already, so this probably means less coming from me, but honestly, I had the most rotten time with GD and my DD2 until really recently. I'm not sure what changed, but I am really enjoying her now... but she's 19 months old. It took me a LONG time to get here.

All I ever wanted was boys. I remember telling my mom (when I was younger) that I was having 4 boys when I had my own family; when she asked what would happen if I had a girl, I scoffed, "I won't, but if I do (ha ha), you can have her!" I honestly thought my life would be so much different than it has turned out to be.

The things that have been making me feel better about having girls are little things. DD1 just told me about having a crush on a boy (she's only 7!!!) and that made me happy--not the crush part, but the part where she wanted to confide in me. I don't know, but I think girls are more likely than boys to do that. It also helps to see how my sister and I have stayed close to my parents while my brother hasn't; I know that's cliche, but for us it has been true.

GD sucks so bad. I hate that it even exists, and I am so sorry that you are struggling with it, begonia. I wish there was some magic pill we could take to make it go away.

[TTC5]

Big hugs B, been there myself believe me :'(

[lucysky]

Hugs. I've had that dream too. My mom constantly reminds me that some people would kill to have children. It only makes me feel worse for having gd.

[ELP]

Sorry B Does your DH know that little one is a girl, or are you still on your own with it? Is the possibility of PGD available to you? Maybe if you can start looking into the high tech stuff then you can start looking forward to your son and even put this pregnancy to the back of your mind almost until she arrives and steals your heart xxxx

[Regrow]

I suffered really badly with GD when I was pregnant with DS2, but god sent me the most beautiful child a mop of blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. I sometimes still feel guilty about those thoughts. Did you ever stop to think that people will look at your family make up and be envious that you have 3 gorgeous DD's. I certainly would! I decided to go HT with my third as I knew that I wanted a girl and not just another baby. Please enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and seriously think about HT further down the track. After my DS2 I never even imagined we would have a third so I am sure a fourth may not be out of the equation yet for you. Take care x