Failed sway - would appreciate any advice on coping

[bodhi]

Let me start by saying that I realize that most people here have been in this position and I know that I'm overreacting. I found out two days ago at my 19 week ultrasound that my girl sway failed and we're expecting DS2. Two of a kind isn't so terrible (I'm trying to believe these words as I type them), but it may very well be my last and I hate the idea of letting go of my dream of a girl. I can't even think about it without crying. I hate that I'm already obsessing about a possible third child when I'm only halfway through this pregnancy, and at the same time feeling really low because I don't feel that I have any chance at a girl (I've now conceived 3 boys in a row, although I miscarried the first).

I just need to get this out somewhere. My whole life, I've never been close to my mother. Don't get me wrong, she has supported me in lots of ways, but I tend to do a lot of things that are typically mother-daughter bonding experiences alone. Instead of helping me pick out an outfit for junior high dances, she laughed at me for caring so much. When I invited her to come wedding dress shopping, she told me she wasn't interested. When I had my newborn son, she didn't want to be around unless he was sleeping and offered no assistance at all. As I did these things alone, I always hoped that maybe I'd get to experience them again as they were meant to be experienced with my own daughter. I'm so sad that I may never get to have that. I will have at least two lovely boys, and while I'm sure I'll get to play a role in their lives, it's not the same. No matter how well you get along with your MIL, you want your own mom for those special moments.

I feel that with my sons, I'm going to have less to contribute. Not nothing, just less. I won't be the person they come to for dating advice or learning to shave or for hockey practice (or whatever it is guys do).

I don't know how to get over this. I want to feel attached to this baby, but the honest truth is that I regret getting pregnant. If there was a way out, I would take it. I don't feel connected to this baby at all. I was keeping a pregnancy journal, but I tossed it out because I don't know of any guys who are interested in reading week-by-week accounts of their mother's pregnancy (I would have loved to talk to mom about her pregnancy and I hoped that someday I could share the experience with a daughter).

Thank you if you've managed to read this far. For those of your who have been in this position, what helped? I would really appreciate ideas. Maybe things will change when I meet my son (although it took me several months to bond with my first son), but I really do want to move past this so I can enjoy what may be my last pregnancy. I'm trying to pick out a pattern and yarn so I can make a baby blanket. We're going for a 3D ultrasound next week and I'm hoping that it might help to spend some time looking at him (I got to see him for about 10 seconds at my first ultrasound). Any other ideas?

[KnockYourBallsOff]

So many of us can understand sweetie! Your emotions are norma and just fine. When you hold him in your arms it will become easier as time passes....did for me w/ Ds2 and 3.

I think what helps me the most if the relationship between my boys and what a blessing that would be in their lives. They can go off to college together, play golf and sports together. Be rough w/ each other without hurting someone else.

I would go buy some big brother books for DS1 and hopefully that will help you find some positivity. And TRUST me that when he's here--in a couple years when your two boys are best buds, you'll not regret a thing

Take your time to mourn--it's OK! Feelings are feelings...not right or wrong Thinking of you today!

[Cinss]

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy. I'm sure your DS1 will have a very special bond with your DS2 for his entire life, what a great gift you have given him.

[TTC5]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Glittergirl]

I know its too soon now, but like many of us....we end up being closest to the the baby we had the most GD with, and can't imagine life without them! My DS3 is SOOO close to me... in fact he's sitting next to me while I'm online. I think sometimes we imagine a certain bond with the gender we don't have but maybe it's all in our mind. My SIL has a teenage daughter and just had a baby girl. She So badly wanted a son because as close as she is to her daughter, she says my boys are so attached to me and are such mamas boys that she badly wants a son of her own. She's always telling me how lucky it is that I don't have a teenage daughter yet, etc etc. And I see the eye-rolling her daughter does and the talk back and just the typical mother daughter relationship that is so normal but that so many of us who don't have girls take for granted and forget. I have apologized to my mom for my teenage behaviors now that I look back at the attitude I had It's early now but the bond your boys will have will be so amazing. It's nice to have two of the same gender and this little guy was just meant to be. Start young with them and you will see what an amazing mother/son bond you can create with them. They will come to you for lots of advice and you will see how much unconditional love they will have for you....who knows, you may go on to get your DD next!!! Wishing you lots of LUCK!!!!!

[CapricornAquarius]

Your feelings are so normal & its ok.

Trust me having another boy is the best gift you can give your son, there's something special about two if a kind.

[fresas]

I'm so sorry you didn't hear "girl". I understand what you are going through.

side rant: I didn't realize how badly I wanted a daughter until after I had DS 2. I have a terrible relationship with both of my parents, but especially my mother. My parents are both extremely sexist and do not hide their favor of males. I guess I have always longed for a daughter so I can treat her the way a daughter should be treated: equally valued and loved as boys, but maybe she will want to wear dresses. In all seriousness though, I said I wanted 5 boys when I was younger because I hated girls because I was not valued because I was female, but now I realize 2 things: that having kids is difficult and girls are just as amazing as boys. It would be a true honor to have a girl.

When I found out I was pregnant with another boy (both pregnancies were a surprise), I was sad at first, but it turned out to be a very quick sadness because of the high risk nature of the pregnancy. I valued my unborn son as much as the first, but I think being aware that he might have had issues helped me move past that initial sadness rather quickly. My husband actually had more GD than I did, but we soon focused together as a couple on the baby's health. I think having my husband's support helped a lot.

Be patient with yourself. I think your feelings are more normal than most women (and even men) would like to admit. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and that you find peace with your second son.

[rainbowflower]

I just want to send you some *hugs*
how sad that your mother is like that to you. My MIL is just the same as that so my heart goes out to you

don't mean this in a horrible way, but have you thought about some counselling? it sounds to me like you could have depression of some sort especially as you say you don't feel you have bonded with this baby, and perhaps it would help you to talk about the feelings you have towards your mother?

be gentle with yourself, and please do confide in your doctor or MW about how low you are

[maybeoneday]

I am so sorry you are feeling down and this is the best place for letting out feelings you keep hidden from your real life. Everyone here has been in your shoes and most have come out the other side. It will get better.

I didn't find out the sex of DS2 (they don't tell you in your anomoly scan in our health authority - the only way is a private scan and DH didn't want to know...). Everything about my pregnancy was different and I was convinced he was a girl - some of my friends even gave me their baby girl things to use when 'she' was born.

I was so shocked and so upset when he was born but I was still totally smitten when I held him in my arms because he looked so much like DS1 that I had 2 peas in a pod. They are now so close and they adore each other and I am now so pleased for them that I had 2 boys.

I had a brother and it is safe to say we hated each other growing up! We get on ok now but I am not sure I would say we are close. I really hope my boys remain the best of friends into adulthood.

It doesn't make my desire for a daughter go away but at the moment I have 2 boys who I adore and mummy is always the first one they run to when they fall over.

Good luck and don't be afraid to cry, the time between crying gets gradually longer every week. xx

[bodhi]

Thank you for your kind replies. I'm trying to think of something to say that doesn't make me sound like a selfish jerk, but I can't seem to think of anything gracious to say at the moment. Hopefully this will get a bit easier with time.