Boy #4 for us.

[shouldihope?]

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately I am in a dark place right now. I could not get out of bed to go to church. Mustered the strength to go to a Christmas party at church. Figuring I would have to face people on Monday anyway. The first friend that could somewhat relate to my situation that asked how I was doing I burst into tears. My eyes were already puffy from 24 hours of crying. There went the make-up I had used to try to hide it. My best friend even seemed to avoid me like the plague. She asked me a few months ago to explain why I wanted a girl so much, I cried when I explained it to her. She said she still did not understand. She has 2 boys and a girl. How could she understand? She never experienced it. Now that I completely lost it in front of everyone I feel like people are whispering about it instead. My sis will be coming for Christmas and just had her 2nd failed IVF cycle. I hope I can pull it together by then. I don't see that happening though. I would never want to lose a baby but I keep remembering back to my prayer before we started TTC. I prayed to GOD that I would not get pregnant if it was going to be another boy and that we would quit trying by November. I also prayed that if a girl was not meant for me that he would give my sister a baby of her own boy or girl instead of giving me another baby. I would have survived not being pregnant again we had planned on start the foster to adopt process if we did not get pregnant. Adopting 1 or 2 little girls. We even had the meeting times printed out. I do not want 5 or 6 children though. I can barely handle 3. I know a lot of this issue stems from a horrible childhood. Absent father, alcoholic and abusive step-dad, neglectful mother that allowed bad things to continue. My sister and I bonded together to survive our horrible childhood. We have a bond I have with no one else. My husband is even jealous of it and does not understand it. Obviously because of my past I am very familiar with the darkness of depression. I have been through a lot of counseling which has helped but I still feel like I am in a world of boys and I have no clue what I am doing and how to do it. My hubby is somewhat clueless too since he grew up as an only child of a single mom. He would have been happy with 1 or 2 kids. I cried to him this summer and convinced him that I could not be happy without trying for a daughter. I told him if we have another boy at least we tried. I knew their was no garauntee. He said he would prefer a daughter of his own over adoption. Needless to say he is dissapointed but no where near where I am. Don't get me wrong I love the boys I have. I actually can't imagine life without them. I just remember how bad things were with DS3 and I know I should see someone. How will I find someone that understands and that we can afford? How will I put on a happy face when I have church events I am obligated to be involved in? I feel mad at GOD for not listening to my prayers yet again. If you read this far thanks. I needed to get that out.

[zanacal]

I'm so sorry, I know if I hear boy this week I'm going to be devestated to have lost the dream iykwim? I hope that you feel better in time and even if you don't, know that we're here to listen x

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm so sorry. I just want to let you know that I read what you wrote and there are people here that are 'listening'. Many of us have felt the way you do and the only thing I can offer is that is takes time to get past the way you feel now and it will get better. By all means, if you need to get professional help, please do so. It can be very careful to be able to voice how you feel in a non-judgemental setting.

I know given your past, you will make sure you do an excellent job at raising your sons so they don't repeat what has happened to you.

I don't know why G-d doesn't give us what we ask for or what we feel we need. It seems like it would make things so much easier. Then I think back to all I begged Him for from the beginning and I am so thankful He didn't listen to me. I know I would probably be divorced and homeless if he had answered my prayers about one of my boyfriends!

I hope you continue to chat with us, let us help where we can and just know that we are here if you need someone to vent to.

[shouldihope?]

Totally get it. Hope you hear girl.

[shouldihope?]

Thanks NBP. I feel so angry and bitter right now that I just need to get it out somewhere. Better here than at home or among people that for the most part do not get it.

[zanacal]

Btw, your sway was fantastic - I would feel robbed in your position too. I really don't think you could have done any more and I hope you'll find comfort in that and will have no regrets about what you could or should have done. {hugs}

[shouldihope?]

Thanks, Z. I was so proud of how much weight I lost. I have never been motivated to lose weight that quickly before. I don't think I could have changed anything to make it better without becoming obsessive. I did as much as I could but in the end I decided that all the lime stuff and douching were not me and would have stressed myself and DH out. That is one of the major parts I look back on and wonder. I tried to mostly focus on diet without getting too over the top. Who knows what I could have done differently? My DH said the other night that we could try again. I said NO WAY!!!! I can not go through this again. It is too painful. I just want one of us to get 'fixed' once DS4 is born. If someone would have told me from the start that I would have 4 boys---(before meeting them that is), I would have freaked out and only had 2 at the most and maybe adopted a 3rd. Now that DS3 is in my life I would not trade him though.

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I'm so sorry you didn't hear girl All your emotions are totally understandable and normal. Especially the financial strain and wishing for a smaller family to go and do more--I totally get it.

Praying that it gets a little easier as time passes and that your pregnancy is happy and healthy. Thinking of you today!

[Yuzu]

I can feel how painful this must be for you. But maybe this little boy will help bring something to your life that you can't expect right now. I know, I know--you're feeling absolutely gutted. What helped me with DS3 when the GD was almost unbearable was to start talking to him. I talked to him all the time and eventually the pain lessened. Now I can't imagine having anyone other than him.

I hope you find some peace soon, and don't be afraid to cry. You can always come here and vent, rage, cry, laugh or whatever you need. We're here for you.

[begonia]

Oh hun I can identify so strongly with what you've written, and I'm so, so sorry you're in this place. My DG reasons also stem mostly from childhood issues ... the mother in my case though, no father around, and I just never wanted to have to deal with a mother/daughter relationship since mine was a horrid experience. I literally wanted no daughters, and with each one I've had, it's been a little harder for me to bear. This third one really felt like a defining moment though; we only wanted 3 kids, and with all girls, I'll have relationship that times three. Our past however doesn't define our future; if anything I am quite certain I have a long list of "what not to do" to help me out, and no doubt you do as well. You'll raise amazing men I am sure of it. I know that's probably no comfort now, but it's very likely true.

We also considered adoption v. conceiving naturally; I had (and still have) some regret that we didn't pursue the adoption route. I told DH I felt like having another girl was my punishment for ignoring the fact that adoption has tugged at my heart for years. I selfishly wanted to be able to have a biological son. I too prayed so hard that I wouldn't even get pregnant if it wasn't going to be a boy! Then I would feel guilty about that prayer though and asked God to send the best person for our family, and I have to trust that He followed through on that part of the prayer since He clearly said no to the first part.

It's been hard and I've been angry at God, and I spent about 7 weeks crying literally every day, often without a trigger. I turned down several holiday parties that we normally attend because I didn't want to have to talk about having my third daughter. What you're going through is, IMO, a normal stage of grief. It is incredibly difficult to let go of the "dream" child even though that child was never real; I think even more so when we sway because our hopes get high. And on top of that grief, you have to face raising an additional child and all that brings with it. It is a LOT to bear so give yourself some grace as you deal with all of it.

It has taken me over 2 months to get to a place where I'm finally not crying every day, and I've quit spending so much time wishing I could change things that I can't. The first days and weeks after the ultrasound I really was in a very dark place and posted about it on here often, I encourage you to keep doing it, I do think it helps. In the last week I am finally feeling better about it. I hope that time brings healing for you as well.