Boy #4 for us.

[shouldihope?]

KYBO- Thank you.
Yuzu- I hope you are right about DS4 being something in my life that is something good that I did not expect.
Begonia- The thing with adoption is I would not be able to nurse that child to look down at a sweet little baby girl and see pieces of my DH or myself and have that special bond that developed with each of my boys. I went through all these emotions with DS3. They just feel like they have multiplied. I feel grouchy and like my anger and emotions could boil over at any moment. I can't imagine this going on for months. I don't think my family will be left standing if I do not get over this quickly. At this point I do not know what to even pray nor do I really want to. Feeling like so many people I know have the happy healthy, parental relationships and awesome childhood. Then there perfect dream family. They got both. I wanted at least one of those things.

[TTC5]

I honestly could not imagine my life without my 4th DD

[fresas]

I'm sorry. I can only imagine what this must feel like, especially since it sounds like this is your last child.

About your boy's behavioral issues, have you or can you afford to look into things like ADHD, therapy, counseling, activities that may help channel some of their energy and emotions?

I had a brother with major anger issues that included a lot of physical violence, screaming, oppositional behavior, and general aggression. Now, my family environment and the way my parents parented him did him no favors. My father was very absent unless he was hitting my brother with a belt and my mother was extremely aggressive and encouraged all kinds of unhealthy confrontation. They refused to look into ways to manage his behavior outside of corporal punishment and prayer. They had the money to do some investigative types of things, too, but refused for whatever reasons.

Does your husband help out with the more unruly sons or is it mainly you dealing with the boys?

Sorry, you don't have to answer any of those questions here. I was just thinking out loud. Please pardon me if I pried too much.

In the meantime, I hope that you can find some peace in all of this. It seems very overwhelming right now. I am thinking of you.

[shouldihope?]

Thanks TTC5. I hope that is true for me.
Fresas- We did some testing on DS2 this summer and he was diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder. I guess it is considered on the autism spectrum. Not autistic but some of the characteristics go hand and hand. Insurance only paid for part of treatments for 2 months then we were on our own. We are still paying that off. We still use some of the therapies that they recommended every day but it would be impossible to do all of the things they recommended. My DH does deal with behavior issues, but he was an only child and tends to overreact to noise and well almost anything DS2 does involves noisy lack of self-control. I do lose my temper with him FAR more than the other 2. Overall we could do a better job being patient with him, however I do think he is highly intelligent and loves to figure out ways to get attention be it negative or positive. He knows what buttons to push. He can go from the sweetest most thoughtful child to the most frustrating and almost crazy acting child out of the blue sometimes. It is like he becomes another person. It seems to come in stretches of really good days then really bad days. He also has many sleep issues that involve requiring him to have melatonin at times to help him calm down (per doctor order). DS3 is just energetic and follows whatever DS2 is doing which can make for 2 children misbehaving and not listening. On his own he is just a busy handful that never sits still and is constantly running and getting into things.
I guess I am just worried about what next school year will bring since I have been homeschooling DS1 and DS2. DS1 will be in 1st grade next year and DS2 will be in kindergarten. DS3 will be 2.5 and then I will likely be struggling with GD and PND while trying to nurse a 3 month old. Not sure how that will go?

I have to say that I did not cry much today. I think that is only because today was more busy than yesterday and I tried to avoid thinking about being pregnant at all. Not necessarily great but I still have to act like life is the same, even if I do not want to. I have avoided all calls and pretty much any people unless I have to go somewhere. I will not have that luxury the rest of the week and am dreading telling more people this week. Feeling like I wish I could hide this pregnancy as long as possible so I can avoid comments and questions as I get bigger and am out and about with my kids. My boys seem to have no clue of what I am going through which I am thankful for. DS1 said to me today that he really wanted a sister and not another brother (He has been saying that the whole time), but that he knows I wanted another boy because I like having boys.
DH was not home last night and he made the comment that he thinks I am far worse this time than I was with DS3 and that he was worried about not being here and what condition I would be in when he came home. I reassured him that even though my thoughts have been dark many times in my life I NEVER have followed them through. I hope that helped him. That is my vent for the day. Thanks.

[fresas]

I'm sorry about the issues with the 2 youngest. It can be really hard to find out what works and what doesn't work for kids. I hope that you will be able to find something that helps your sons express themselves and also behave themselves at the same time.

I was homeschooled with my two younger brothers. I think had my mother been more willing to seek outside help for us kids (academically, socially, and mentally) and not stir up so much confrontation, it would have been more beneficial to everyone. I hope that things go well for homeschooling you and you and your kids get the learning and resources you all need. You seem like a caring, thoughtful person so hopefully teaching will go well.

I also hope you can get the support you need for the rest of your pregnancy. You are going through a lot.

[zanacal]

More {hugs} and thoughts today x

[shouldihope?]

I have not cried today. I still feel angry and sad. I had to leave the house today and so was asked the question I dread 4 times. (do you know what you are having?) I was worried I would break down, but I think because everyone had such nice responses I did not feel as bad. Probably not excited like I should be, but better than a break down. We have somewhere to go tonight as well and again tomorrow so I hope it goes as well as today. Thanks everyone for letting me 'cry on your shoulder'. Maybe that is what helped? It is great to have people that don't think I am horrible to 'talk' to about this. I am not one to keep my strong emotions to myself or hide them very well.

[princesssarah34]

shouldihope? I read all your posts and my heart goes out to you right now!! I have been in your shoes more than once.
My oldest has ODD and was not diag. until the end of 3rd grade. He has anger and emotional issues....we are pretty sure he has childhood Bi-polar. While at 13 he has managed to out grow a few things....most he has not. His dad left us when he was just shy of 2yr of age. He remembers that day very well. So I have had to deal with him by myself for years. In 2005 I remarried and the real war began.....his step dad is NOT HIS DAD! (his words) So I know exactly how hard it is with a child that has problems. And I know exactly how you feel about baby #4 being a boy. I felt the same way with my baby boy #4.....I wished he was not part of this family I wished God had not punished me with another boy I felt I didn't deserve a girl! And then the worse thing happend in our life....at 23 weeks we were told our Baby boy was very sick and had a 1% chance of living! And for 3 weeks I carried him and cried everyday thinking that I had done this (I knew it wasn't my fault really but I had wished he never was)! I prayed to God to make him well and keep him with us....but he didn't. Sometime at 26 weeks along his little heart grew tired and he went to sleep! I had prayed a week before that if he couldn't fight any longer that is was ok for him to leave us...because I didn't want him to hurt anymore. So that prayer was answered. For a really long time I felt it was something I wished for...something I was being punished for. But it took a long time for me to realize that my Evan leaving us was a test of my courage my faith and even my love. I wasn't being punished it just happend. My desire for another child was heavy on my heart...yes a little girl would have been wonderful but here I am 18 weeks a long with boy #5 and I couldn't be happier. And I wish I could share some of this joy with you right now. But I do believe that you will find your joy in this little boy that is being added to your family. I honestly believe that God it teaching me patience though my boys and someday down the road I will be blessed with a little girl for my reward of learning patience!

[shouldihope?]

Princess- I have read your posts and visited your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of baby Evan. I think I would feel the same way as you if something happened to this baby. I hope that I can come to a place of joy about this pregnancy. Right now I can not imagine it happening but I know it is still new and fresh. Praying that your boy #5 is a healthy little guy. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Halah]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I went through it with my 4th boy. All the time trying to get pregnant and leading up to finding out I convinced myself I wanted another boy. It wasn't until the day I was due to get my cvs results that I let myself get my hopes up for a girl. When I found out it was another boy I was crushed. It was physically painful. I cried and cried. My husband just held me. I've never cried like that before. I was very depressed, for weeks if not months. I don't think anyone could say anything or do anything to bring me out of it. I had to get myself there. And I did. By the time he was born I was ready and excited for him. And now that he's here he's another light of my life, just like the others. From day one I would have died for him. He's so precious.

My heart still aches for a daughter. I think it always will. I don't know what to do about that. But I do know what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't trade one of these boys for the most perfect girl in the world.