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February 12th, 2019, 10:20 PM
#1
Prenatal GD Therapy?
Has anyone ever done or heard of anyone doing therapy sessions while pregnant? Before and/or after finding out their baby's gender (via NIPT or ultrasound)? I have NIPT testing on 2/22/19 and should receive results within 1-2 weeks
Between the nightmares & general anxiety of finding out, I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to talk to someone either before (if I could find someone that quickly) or after (if it's DD2)
Do therapists even understand this kind of emotional turmoil or will they tell me to quit complaining and be grateful for healthy children and that 'gender doesn't matter in this day & age' like everyone else?
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February 13th, 2019, 08:20 PM
#2
Swaying Advice Coach
I have very sadly found (after watching several dozen people see therapists on 6 continents) that therapists do more harm than good in the realm of gender disappointment. At best they have no idea how to help us and will go on searching our childhoods for some kind of trauma and refuse to consider this may be a normal state of affairs for people to want particular genders (usually both). And at worst, many have walked away made to feel like horrible people by therapists, and end up more upset and worse off than they were to begin with.
While I do think at times anxiety meds and antidepressants may be in order, these can be had by your family doctor without airing the "GD dirty laundry" since so few people understand gender desire/disappointment.
Hugest hugs and sending you all the blue dust I have.
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February 14th, 2019, 04:04 PM
#3
Thanks again atomic! Such a shame that gender desire is so taboo. Sometime in the next 3 weeks I'll know whether LO is the baby boy I've always dreamed of. Honestly I've been feeling "off" since TP had her DD2 early this year - she swayed much harder/better/longer than I did. I actually had to take a break from GenderDreaming because I was so rattled by it. If my LO is DD2 I know I will regret for the rest of my life not doing HT as we live in the States and have the means to pay for it out of pocket.
I also appreciate how honest people are in these forums. Maybe it's the anonymity of being behind a computer but I've never seen anyone admit gender anxiety (before finding out NIPT results) or gender disappointment in real life. Only on here. Part of me was hoping I could find that kind of open honest conversation in-person in the form of a therapist. Although it doesn't sound like it's a good idea.
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February 16th, 2019, 04:32 PM
#4
Dream Vet
Originally Posted by
Blue2
Thanks again atomic! Such a shame that gender desire is so taboo. Sometime in the next 3 weeks I'll know whether LO is the baby boy I've always dreamed of. Honestly I've been feeling "off" since TP had her DD2 early this year - she swayed much harder/better/longer than I did. I actually had to take a break from GenderDreaming because I was so rattled by it. If my LO is DD2 I know I will regret for the rest of my life not doing HT as we live in the States and have the means to pay for it out of pocket.
I also appreciate how honest people are in these forums. Maybe it's the anonymity of being behind a computer but I've never seen anyone admit gender anxiety (before finding out NIPT results) or gender disappointment in real life. Only on here. Part of me was hoping I could find that kind of open honest conversation in-person in the form of a therapist. Although it doesn't sound like it's a good idea.
Don't feel like because your sway wasn't as hard and long (heh) as mine means anything. It's still odds -- and as you can see by all those wilting roses in my signature, I seem to fall into minority odds most of the time in my life. That seems to have extended to getting a sway opposite too. Though truly, I think I'm batting a medical reason for just getting unviable boys -- though, just my luck, it's not the female autoimmune reason but DH and his wonky Y sperm...
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February 16th, 2019, 05:22 PM
#5
Swaying Advice Coach
Swaying a long time doesn't equate to success, unfortunately. People sway for short times (or not at all) and get their desired gender and others sway for years and don't. Just not how it works, unfortunately.
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February 25th, 2019, 11:00 PM
#6
Disclaimer: this is a rambling diary entry because I don't know who to talk to but need to get some thoughts off my chest. Hopefully someone somewhere reads them and knows she isn't alone in having similar thoughts...
In 5 days I will know whether my blue sway worked or not. And it makes me physically ill to think about opening the NIPT results email to a "FEMALE" result. I haven't slept or eaten well since my first ultrasound and blood draw 3 days ago. Seeing the little peanut on the screen suddenly made it so real. Up until then I was in the dark place of "well if it's another DD and I find out soon enough, maybe we could terminate the pregnancy & try again with HT". And there is a small part of me that honestly still wants that if I find out my sway failed. But seeing that LO on the ultrasound screen shrunk the part of me that is twisted & selfish enough to want a DS so badly I would terminate a pregnancy.
These emotions are so complex and I am so overwhelmed by anticipation, anxiety, and what can only be described as premeditated grief over the loss of my chance at a DS. I followed ThrowawayPanther's boy sway journey since the day I joined GD website. As I mentioned earlier on this thread, I was devastated for her to the point of needing a break from the forums. Because she is me. And I feel deep down that this LO is going to be DD2.
What scares me is how insanely jealous I am of friends who have baby boys. Rational me knows they aren't trying to rub it in, but I've realized I've been avoiding interacting with them because I cannot handle the "happy mother and son bonding" photos I see all over Facebook. And I haven't even confirmed whether the LO I'm carrying is a DS or DD2 yet!! I think this jealously would be even worse if one of my siblings had a son. Would I avoid interacting with my own siblings if I had 2 DDs and they got the DS I always wanted? How do you get past a jealousy so deep & so crippling?
Maybe it's more obvious if you're overly-sensitive to it but it seems like every day there is a new "baby girl on the way!" post on social media from one random Facebook friend or another. I keep thinking, well if it's truly 50/50 and so many of them are having girls maybe the universe has to balance out and I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets a boy! ...even though I know that's irrational & not how this works
I've combed through every single thread on this website that I thought would've been even remotely helpful/applicable to my sway. It's like every time I long onto this site I'm searching for confirmation by reading between the lines of what other people have written. Like, oh she did this or she did that and she got a boy so I'm good!! ...again, even though I know that's not how this works
I felt my heart crack when I opened my NIPT results in 2017 with first DD. But it will shatter into a thousand million pieces if I'm put through another round of gender disappointment 5 days from now
Do you ever get to a point where you love a baby that you wished were a different gender? If I do get a DS, would I love him more than my DD?
I don't know. But I guess we will find out...
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February 26th, 2019, 08:28 AM
#7
Dream Vet
Originally Posted by
Blue2
Disclaimer: this is a rambling diary entry because I don't know who to talk to but need to get some thoughts off my chest. Hopefully someone somewhere reads them and knows she isn't alone in having similar thoughts...
In 5 days I will know whether my blue sway worked or not. And it makes me physically ill to think about opening the NIPT results email to a "FEMALE" result. I haven't slept or eaten well since my first ultrasound and blood draw 3 days ago. Seeing the little peanut on the screen suddenly made it so real. Up until then I was in the dark place of "well if it's another DD and I find out soon enough, maybe we could terminate the pregnancy & try again with HT". And there is a small part of me that honestly still wants that if I find out my sway failed. But seeing that LO on the ultrasound screen shrunk the part of me that is twisted & selfish enough to want a DS so badly I would terminate a pregnancy.
These emotions are so complex and I am so overwhelmed by anticipation, anxiety, and what can only be described as premeditated grief over the loss of my chance at a DS. I followed ThrowawayPanther's boy sway journey since the day I joined GD website. As I mentioned earlier on this thread, I was devastated for her to the point of needing a break from the forums. Because she is me. And I feel deep down that this LO is going to be DD2.
What scares me is how insanely jealous I am of friends who have baby boys. Rational me knows they aren't trying to rub it in, but I've realized I've been avoiding interacting with them because I cannot handle the "happy mother and son bonding" photos I see all over Facebook. And I haven't even confirmed whether the LO I'm carrying is a DS or DD2 yet!! I think this jealously would be even worse if one of my siblings had a son. Would I avoid interacting with my own siblings if I had 2 DDs and they got the DS I always wanted? How do you get past a jealousy so deep & so crippling?
Maybe it's more obvious if you're overly-sensitive to it but it seems like every day there is a new "baby girl on the way!" post on social media from one random Facebook friend or another. I keep thinking, well if it's truly 50/50 and so many of them are having girls maybe the universe has to balance out and I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets a boy! ...even though I know that's irrational & not how this works
I've combed through every single thread on this website that I thought would've been even remotely helpful/applicable to my sway. It's like every time I long onto this site I'm searching for confirmation by reading between the lines of what other people have written. Like, oh she did this or she did that and she got a boy so I'm good!! ...again, even though I know that's not how this works
I felt my heart crack when I opened my NIPT results in 2017 with first DD. But it will shatter into a thousand million pieces if I'm put through another round of gender disappointment 5 days from now
Do you ever get to a point where you love a baby that you wished were a different gender? If I do get a DS, would I love him more than my DD?
I don't know. But I guess we will find out...
So I came back on to see how Noemi's birth went, so I've been lurking.
I am going to be frank, because I'm done giving a shit about... anything. I regret not terminating this past pregnancy. Literally from the moment I discovered swaying over 3 years ago when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first, I always planned to find out early with NIPT with my next baby and make a decision from there. My GD was suicidally bad with her and I wanted to terminate even then. And I at times wondered if planning this had cursed me, as obviously 8 miscarriages later, what was I supposed to do when a baby finally stuck? Hence the Team Green. I don't think there's a way I would have kept the pregnancy knowing it was a girl or not hurt myself in some way.
Which is why I'll ask you what I kept telling myself: do I want my kid to grow up alone? Do I want her to have a close in age sibling? And that influenced my decision to keep going with blinders on. You are in the fortunate spot of not being pushed to desperation from unending loss as well as having every possibility of having a boy -- versus my losses coming only after swaying and two IVF cycles showing we don't make healthy boys. So you are me -- but you are blessedly not in my situation, so you have a chance.
But I will stress this very unpopular opinion: I don't think it's selfish or bad if you consider termination. And you'd be surprised how many feel this way in PMs; I think there's just far fewer of us who publicly mention it. I believe in wanted babies being brought into a very overpoulated, taxed world. I find selective termination to be more ethical than other options, frankly. And in a world where specifically mothers are gaslighted into thinking anything they want is selfish, taking care of your mental health is not selfish. And you better believe I'm sitting here absolutely planning the same thing, regretting not following through.
And I DO recommend therapy. There are absolutely therapists out there that even if they don't get GD, they can help you learn and use coping strategies to navigate it. My therapist is invaluable to me and has learned about GD from me to the point that she has understood and verbalized my GD better than me at times. But like all things, it takes finding a good therapist.
I'll be PMing you my Facebook, since truly even seeing people get their DGs even on here is too painful. But take heart that I seem to have blackholed the opposites and everyone else is getting their DGs.
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February 26th, 2019, 10:58 PM
#8
If you decide to see a therapist you might want to look into either Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. They can give you some practical techniques for handling stuck thoughts.
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February 27th, 2019, 01:37 AM
#9
Originally Posted by
Blue2
Disclaimer: this is a rambling diary entry because I don't know who to talk to but need to get some thoughts off my chest. Hopefully someone somewhere reads them and knows she isn't alone in having similar thoughts...
In 5 days I will know whether my blue sway worked or not. And it makes me physically ill to think about opening the NIPT results email to a "FEMALE" result. I haven't slept or eaten well since my first ultrasound and blood draw 3 days ago. Seeing the little peanut on the screen suddenly made it so real. Up until then I was in the dark place of "well if it's another DD and I find out soon enough, maybe we could terminate the pregnancy & try again with HT". And there is a small part of me that honestly still wants that if I find out my sway failed. But seeing that LO on the ultrasound screen shrunk the part of me that is twisted & selfish enough to want a DS so badly I would terminate a pregnancy.
These emotions are so complex and I am so overwhelmed by anticipation, anxiety, and what can only be described as premeditated grief over the loss of my chance at a DS. I followed ThrowawayPanther's boy sway journey since the day I joined GD website. As I mentioned earlier on this thread, I was devastated for her to the point of needing a break from the forums. Because she is me. And I feel deep down that this LO is going to be DD2.
What scares me is how insanely jealous I am of friends who have baby boys. Rational me knows they aren't trying to rub it in, but I've realized I've been avoiding interacting with them because I cannot handle the "happy mother and son bonding" photos I see all over Facebook. And I haven't even confirmed whether the LO I'm carrying is a DS or DD2 yet!! I think this jealously would be even worse if one of my siblings had a son. Would I avoid interacting with my own siblings if I had 2 DDs and they got the DS I always wanted? How do you get past a jealousy so deep & so crippling?
Maybe it's more obvious if you're overly-sensitive to it but it seems like every day there is a new "baby girl on the way!" post on social media from one random Facebook friend or another. I keep thinking, well if it's truly 50/50 and so many of them are having girls maybe the universe has to balance out and I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets a boy! ...even though I know that's irrational & not how this works
I've combed through every single thread on this website that I thought would've been even remotely helpful/applicable to my sway. It's like every time I long onto this site I'm searching for confirmation by reading between the lines of what other people have written. Like, oh she did this or she did that and she got a boy so I'm good!! ...again, even though I know that's not how this works
I felt my heart crack when I opened my NIPT results in 2017 with first DD. But it will shatter into a thousand million pieces if I'm put through another round of gender disappointment 5 days from now
Do you ever get to a point where you love a baby that you wished were a different gender? If I do get a DS, would I love him more than my DD?
I don't know. But I guess we will find out...
Do you ever get to a point where you love a baby you wished were a different gender - in my experience, yes
When I found out my second was to be my first boy, I was gutted. My dream of two little girls was over. I had these random fears of what a boy would be. I feared he would be high energy, and I feared he would be slow to talk, disruptive, loud. And to be honest, some of these fears were realised for me. My first son was slow to talk, like, not until well after 3-years-old slow. It was hard work and it pained me. And although I don’t think he’s high energy at all, others like to call him “a busy boy”, which grates my nerves no end.
And so, when I had a surprise number 3 pregnancy and found out it was a boy again, I was so down. Absolutely gutted. I felt like I’d failed somehow, that people would be laughing at me - and it didn’t help that I would get insulting comments when people found out it was another boy. But even while he was in my tummy, I just knew he was going to be a beautiful spirit. I could feel it. And I can tell you for sure, since his birth, he’s had me heart and soul. Adorablely funny, sweet, smart - oh my goodness he gives me THE BEST baby cuddles. He is a little piece of sunshine. And he even looks like it - compared to my daughter and first son, who are both gorgeously dark-haired and olive-skinned, he is fair and blonde with blue eyes To be honest, I’ve stopped thinking of his gender much. He is an awesome individual, regardless of sex. And I’m happy I made it to that point, because there was a time when I really didn’t ever think I would.
I hope it helps in some way to hear that. And I hope when I sway for our last baby to be a girl, that perhaps I can get through the intense disappointment if I hear boy, without wanting a termination, knowing he has the promise of being an amazing human.
I really hope you get to hear boy in your results. “Kia kaha” - where I come from in New Zealand that means “stay strong”.
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March 4th, 2019, 06:15 AM
#10
Dream Vet
Blue, how are you? Did you get your results?
I know that GD can get you into dark places and it is so, so , so hard to deal with... I seriously thought I’d be better losing the baby for it was a girl...though of course now, I adore her.
I hope I just missed an announcement of a healthy baby, blue even better
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So happy for you Treens, congratulations Sent from my SM-A225F using Tapatalk
Healthy baby girl :)