Vent: lost it at DH today!

[SamS_TTCPink]

So I'm either pregnant or just emotional today, but this arvo we picked up DS1 from his weekend at the naval base and he was filling us in on everything he did as well as telling us all the exciting things the officers etc are doing... And I said "wow, I wish I could join". And DH said you can join. I said "how the hell can I do that! I can't go out for an hour without having to have everything done, dinner cooked and in bowls with names on them, all the cleaning up done and the kids all sorted! How could I go away for 12weeks for even just the initial training! And even after that, he refuses to love from Canberra so how would we be able to be posted around all the time!"

And he said "well, it's your fault you've achieved nothing as when we decided to have DS2, we also decided that I'd be the stay at home parent and he would have a career"

So I lost it!! Yes we did decide that. I was working as a paralegal at the time and was planning on studying law and becoming a lawyer etc, and he was just starting in the public service, but we then decided that I'd stop work and he would develop a career. So that was 13yrs ago, and he is still in the same level job, at the same pay rate as he was back then (the lowest level in the public service). He hasn't "developed" a career and has no drive or passion or intention of moving up. If we'd made the opposite decision, I would not still be a paralegal but a practicing lawyer by now!

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change being with the kids for the world but his comment did annoy me as yes, it was our decision but then he didn't "live up to his word" and develop a career and income to support us all in the lives we had planned, but still I can't go out and do anything.

I have gained various qualifications in fitness during this time and worked casually as a PT and health coach, but it's always been what I could do with and around the kids. He never has to worry about them and can do what he wants when and how he wants.

He is at work now because he wanted to go in, (it's Sunday so he isn't supposed to work weekends) and has gone there leaving me with all the kids, no food as we haven't been grocery shopping and having to pick up DS2 and his friends from the movies later this arvo.

We have always lived in Canberra because he won't move, despite me practically pleading to go so I could get away from my family and also go somewhere that offers courses I want to study (I can't so them in Canberra) but he refuses to leave.

So I'm stuck living somewhere I hate, having to deal with all the crap that comes with being here, not being able to study or work or do anything, and left all the time to practically be a single mum as he does nothing to help, while he can do what he likes, when he likes, work when he likes in his low level job, live where he likes, and all because it's my fault because I decided to be the stay at home parent 13yrs ago!!

Sorry....I'll be over it by tomorrow but he just made me so mad with his comments and I just needed to vent!! 😉💜

[Mrs_Incredible]

Sounds selfish, insensitive and totally takes you for granted! Parenting, regardless of who works outside the home has got to be a team effort. And choosing to work Sunday over having family time!?? Well i hope he gets paid overtime!!! You do get the tough end of the stick hon. He should be careful as i think one day you might realise you've got a choice in your life. There's only so much one woman can take from them all xx
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[Boysway]

OMG!! This was a jaw dropping vent. Grrr, I bet your blood was boiling, cause' mine was! No wonder you blew out at your husband. I would have done the same. He really needs to wake up to himself and his selfish ways. That's just incredible in the worst possible way!

Huge

[maleficient311]

That is terrible. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry your DH isn't showing appreciation towards you.
If only there was a way to reverse roles and have him realize just how valuable you are as a wife and mother. He'd be kissing the floor u walk on.

[Girlfriend]

Wow! How incensitive! I'm totally shocked for u. I really hope he realised what he said to u and comes kissing the ground you walk on.
But I know deap down he probably didn't even mean it like that, you know we all say things we don't mean during a heated argument. And the fact you r still around tells me that he's probably a good father who loves his boys and takes good care of them, I think u just need to learn to delegate and ask for more you time ( no kids) . After 1 day with the kids he will quickly appreciate you and how hard you work.

[girliedreamz]

I would tell him it's time to switch things up. You're going to work, and he can be the stay-at-home dad. Sounds like he wouldn't last a day.

[oncue]

wow, that was really mean of him, and then to take off and go to work when he didn't have to is even worse. I think it's a big rude that he thinks he is allowed to just decide to get away for a day when he feels like it. I know it must hurt you too to be treated this way, it isn't very fair. What I wld be worried about too is how his behaviour is coming across to ur boys. He is their primary male role model and I think he needs to learn to respect you a bit more as ur boys may think it's ok to treat u this way too (or start thinking this is the way relationships work) and it Cld end up being a cycle.
I'm hoping it's not like that all the time for you. It wld be great if he wld find the time once a month or so to have the kids for a whole day while u go out and relax and have some alone time. It's so easy as a mum to put urself last, but once in a while u deserve a break too. I think u sound like an awesome wife and mum, and he needs to appreciate that. Sending u lots of hugs xo

[odd]

Wow. How terrible of him to say such a thing. Men can be pretty obnoxious at times :-(

I do have to say though, I admire your drive to wanna do so much even when you're so busy. I'm pooped with just one so always admire women who can do it all.

[angielorna]

Wow, just wow. I'm sorry he's such an ass!
Hugs...
Angie

[aidansmum]

Wow! Men can be so awful! I'm sorry he made you feel this way when what he should be doing is making you feel valued and appreciated for what you gave up for your family and understood when you feel for the things you lost/missed out on. It's totally normal. To throw something so unfair on your face like that is incredibly selfish. I have been losing it with DH too but for much less than that, he is a fantastic father and very hard working husband and I know he works 6 days a week for most weeks and I feel sorry he's always so tired, but sometimes I would appreciate a bit of help. I don't want him to get out of his way and do house chores, that's not it, but simple things like dispose of old newspaper on benchtop, bring down the glass of wine he had upstairs 3 nights ago, bring down his dirty clothes to the laundry, just easy, simple things, it just infuriates me when I just tidied the bathroom and after he comes home from work I find dirty clothes on the floor. I know I am being a bit pedantic but I am 37 weeks pregnant now with a toddler who makes my house look like a war zone, my family is in another Country, I have no one to count on and I am exhausted. Problem is, if I ask him to do those minor things I am 'having a go at him and I should try work for a living(!!!!)', I feel outraged when he says that because what the hell am I doing every single day??? I'm sorry, I meant to support you but it turned into a bit of a rant as well. I guess we can't have the understanding male we all dream of, they haven't got a clue most of the time it seems and sometimes it is more than OK for us to lose it.