Maternal Dominance Hypothesis and Priviledged Daughter Hypothesis

[Spunky]

I do definitely associate these behaviors (or lack of) with swaying, but thankfully, it is secondary. My first thought revolves around how wonderful it is for myself or my kids.

I spent years trying to get doctors to fix my insomnia. They kept saying it was depression. Pills did nothing. Finally someone said anxiety and moved to a new type of pill. I finally got pregnant, wean off pills afterwards and then needed them again with DS2. I’ve not been on them again but have thought about it since having ds4. I could feel it building past what I could control and knew I needed help. I usually would talk to DH about it and then plan on making an appt with a doctor, but before I could find a new one make an appointment, I felt in control again and did not feel the need anymore. (my GP moved years ago and since I am practically always pregnant, my OB has taken care all sicknesses too.)

What reading this has really shown me is that anxiety is not my main problem. It’s control! When I feel I don’t have control, my anxiety flairs. Instead of fighting for control or just feeling like a failure and giving up control, i just need to learn to not need it. (Well, to the extent I have needed it anyway.)

Since my last post I got to sit down and chat with my mom about it. She does not know we want another kid so I did not even mention swaying, but just realizing how much control I need. I mentioned to her that as I was driving on the highway, I went over a bridge with a flooding river (into fields, not the road). About halfway over I realized I did not have any anxiety nor was I planning which child I would unbuckle first, if I had a plastic bag I could put my cell in so we could call for help later or other things to do if we crashed and started sinking into the river. I’m pretty sure that was the first time since I started driving that i did not get anxiety over it. I went on to name a half dozen other things that I had realized I was not struggling with anymore. (I’m not “fixed” yet by any means, but it is a step.)

I am a Christian and have been praying about anxiety for years. It has often helped calm me down after the fact, but I still struggled to let go completely. And quite frankly, still always felt like I should be doing something. Everyone always says “give it to God.” Giving is still me doing something and being in control. Sitting on a dirty floor seems like such a silly thing to do, but somehow, recognizing and giving up that control was the gateway to other behaviors changing. It switch my brain from controlling my anxiety to letting go and moving on.

I am having more fun with my kids without out the pressure to make the fun (good bye special projects that take planning and cooperation!!) I am falling asleep quicker (only 1 night of laying there until 2am... and the book I was listening to may have been my bigger issue!) And somehow our house is looking better (do I have insane rose color glasses that make me pretend it looks good, or is letting go of control actually giving me more energy to instruct the boys to help and thus our house is actually cleaner without me doing more?)

I’m still doing swaying research (diet is still giving me issues and I don’t have a clue about actual DTD) and know as time goes on I need to be on here less. Oddly, I’m not obsessive about getting the research done quickly, which in turns keeps me thinking about it longer, so maybe my loss of obsession is not a good thing lol. Eh. *shrugs*

[atomic sagebrush]

Just try not to think about if it's a good thing or not. The reason I have ever brought this all up to begin with is to stop people from treating swaying as this all encompassing project where if they do enough stuff perfectly they have a guarantee of a girl. That's all. Never been my intention for you guys to take this as a suggestion to completely try to alter your personalities (and in fact I find it dismaying when you do). I just see everyone now replacing color coded pH charts with plans and plots to alter their mindsets, and wondering if what they're doing is working for their sway, etc.

Just do what you're doing if it's working for you. Avoid unneccesary stuff. It's that easy.

[Spunky]

Just do what you're doing if it's working for you. Avoid unneccesary stuff. It's that easy.

Exactly!

I've read all the comments and understand where you are coming from with not altering personalities. I guess being anxiety ridden could be a character trait and thus my personality, but it is not one that I want people to associate with me! (nor do I want to have to feel it!) You will be happy to know our family walk without DH went alright. I got a tad frustrated by the end but I'm not avoiding it in order to avoid frustration. However, I have lots of 'boy friendly' things happening between now and TTC time. I'm not stopping my life just for a girl (and I admit when I first read this I was slightly panicked I would need to!), so I'm just taking the relaxed approach to things

-I won't be escaping my need to sew. My workout clothes from last summer are all too big and I need to work on the next size down. I've sewn everything before, and am just doing the size down, so it is not quite as detail oriented nor possibly as frustrating as doing something new.

-DH has finally gotten his long awaited sabbatical this summer, so I am also in charge of vacation plans. DH is a go with the flow person. Our plans are always changing last minute. I'm usually ok with it and can go with the flow, IF we made plans originally. I guess I just needed a little bit of control even if it was an illusion. ...So why spend all the time making details plans when we both know it is going to change?! lol. I'm just making a list of fun things to do and am ready with suggestions when DH starts asking what we should do. No hyper scheduling. If he wants to do any major traveling, he gets to make hotel reservations.

-We also will be doing many projects around the house. I am able to hand the very large garden over to DH and just help when asked. I can make a honey do list for many things around the house, but they won't get done unless I specifically say we are working on projects. DH is also making furniture that I have designed and will need instructions for that because he can't read 2D drawings with plainly marked dimensions for the life of him.

OK, so now that I have talked about it, I can let it go.

[shiroshiro]

Thank you for sharing your privileged daughter theory, Atomic!

Do you have more books that you can direct me for reading?

[2curlydolls]

I am a complete Martha in everyway ... Always have been ... I have three girls so this is not the be all end all. Women with all different personality types get both genders and don't even try to sway. So nobody should beat themselves up about this.

[atomic sagebrush]

I am a complete Martha in everyway ... Always have been ... I have three girls so this is not the be all end all. Women with all different personality types get both genders and don't even try to sway. So nobody should beat themselves up about this.

exactly. It is not just personality at all. But there is a personality element to it that needs to be talked about or otherwise everyone won't understand why it is that they know a lady who is skeletally thin but still has all boys. It's not just diet or just exercise or just body type or just personality, it's all that stuff mixed together plus some other stuff PLUS a huge dollop of luck as well.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you for sharing your privileged daughter theory, Atomic!

Do you have more books that you can direct me for reading?

I'm sorry, I'm not following - books that I wrote or books that are good to enjoy while swaying?

[PINKwish16]

Brilliant read! Thanks atomic! As I had questions in my head they got answered the further I read on. I definitely am as you describe boy Mums, and I have 3. And I can’t take any offence to any of it because it’s so true! Haha.

I don’t believe I’ve been so Martha/Jeanie all my adult life, I think planning a wedding (huge obsessive project!) and not falling pregnant so many years and having to research and sort out fertility treatments perhaps made me realise what I can achieve if I put my mind to it. And since having the boys I’ve just got stuck in a miserable obsessive controlling rut I guess (which I feel guilty everyday for being so ungrateful as the boys are so perfect) but if it’s not been years obsessing why I can’t get pregnant, it’s now trying to get pregnant but with a girl. Years before I was very chilled and just enjoyed what came my way. Anyway, after reading all the essays it makes total sense that I swayed so hard towards boys! I’ve been channeling my inner Martha for so long now. My first thought was surely I can cut all this obsessive crap and especially if it’s really going to help my sway. But I worry from reading further into the comments it’s not fully possible to undo your Martha ways?? I plan to do all the reading/research now way in advance of my sway, and then get used to the diet so it becomes part of my life.

When it comes to what I enjoy I have to be honest in that I worry I enjoy the ‘wrong’ things (in terms of a pink sway) I enjoy baking cakes, especially for people’s birthdays, I love to sort out the boys birthday party’s (which are mini projects aren’t they really) I love shopping for all the bits n bobs (maticulous planning!) i love doing crafts with the kids like making cards for relatives at easter or xmas. I recently started swimming but with that I don’t ever count my lengths or try to better the amount next time. I’m not fussed how long I swim for, to me it’s just a bit of quiet time with some gentle all round exercise. I don’t care much about the ‘challenge’ of it if that makes sense.

I’m just interested in whether people can infact change there perspective on things, and if they know just chilling out and letting go of the stupid unimportant stuff in life and looked at what they have instead of what they didn’t, whilst being aware of there inner Martha, can they change to be more Mary. I think social media isn’t good I’d for pink sways so perhaps changes like avoiding fb would help. I think years ago before smartphones were about and before I had kids I was in a different place and more content in life. More social, more interested in just having a laugh.

Oh, sorry, i have one other question about when you conceived your daughter, does lack of sleep sway pink then. Also you said you were super stressed. Was that more of feeling defeated and full with worry? Rather than the type of stress us boy mums get when we are trying to control things? Do you think GD itself sways blue or pink? As in having that constant sad thought of something you want in the back of your mind, not meaning the planning and thought process of trying to get it.

Sorry for such a long message of questions. Thanks as always xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

I don't want you to change your personality. That is not my goal in writing all that. Don't even try, because all you will do is replace obsessing over whatever-it-is with obsessing over not obsessing (and if anything people get MORE worked up over obsessing over not obsessing, LOL)

All you need to do is NOT treat swaying like a game you can win or a project that if only you do it hard enough, you will be guaranteed a girl. That's it. That is the main reason I even bring any of this up. I don't want you guys making huge involved schedules or colorcoded charts or monitoring your temp for months in advance or your pH 20 times a day. Just treat swaying as an overall lifestyle change and not as "Swaymageddon 2018" LOL. Do not worry about stopping things you normally do like baking birthday cakes or swimming with your kids!! Keep doing those things. i don't want any of you to stop doing things you normally do (other than perhaps, perhaps super competitive things!)

My sway is here and I think it will answer most of your questions. Yes being sleep deprived does tend to sway pink https://genderdreaming.com/forum/gen...july-20-a.html

I think that GD can sway blue or pink depending on the person. One person might feel overwhelmed and defeated, but another person might feel that they are more determined than ever, yet another may feel "it's out of my hands, if it's meant to be it will be". There is just too much individual variation to be able to generalize that to everyone.

[atomic sagebrush]

Hey, here's an article scientifically proving that our brains will basically spin and spin until we find something to worry about. Your brain is literally designed to find problems to solve (we'd not have stayed alive long if we didn't have that quality) and as you fix the big problems, the little ones become just as important in your brain till you're fretting extensively about dying from an ingrown hair and whether or not to put white pepper in the soup instead of black. Most of the problems we have in our lives in the modern world are NOT problems and are not worthy of the anxiety and stress we put ourselves through!

https://qz.com/1317993/the-scientifi...blems-to-find/