Thread: No Advice is the Best Advice
-
December 31st, 2010, 12:29 PM #1IVF Advice Coach
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Location
- The Internet
- Posts
- 24,567
- Post Thanks / Like
- Blog Entries
- 6
- Downloads
- 0
- Uploads
- 0
No Advice is the Best Advice
By Dean F. MacKinnon, M.D.
Dec 30, 2010
I begin with a dark bit of humor: a cartoon cliché, with a man lying on a psychiatrist's couch. The man says, "All my friends think I'm crazy." The psychiatrist replies, "Why don't you kill them?"
Why is this funny? To me it's funny because it gets to a major conundrum in working with patients, where one is called upon to learn a little trick: to give advice without seeming like you are giving advice. People in distress often ask for advice, but offering that advice can be dangerous, whether you are a friend or a therapist.
Suppose an acquaintance tells you, repeatedly, about her loveless marriage to a husband who ignores her and refuses to go to marital counseling. She asks you what to do. You might think this is a no-brainer: She should leave him and find happiness somewhere else, with someone else, because she clearly isn't going to find it in her current situation.
If you tell her she should leave her husband, it is possible that she will take your advice, make a new start, and live happily ever after. But it is also possible, and perhaps even more likely, that one of these other scenarios will play out:
•She may put off making a decision, offering excuses (she can't afford it, it would traumatize her family, her husband can't live without her) but never flat-out rejecting your advice. Eventually you might grow frustrated with her complaining, or she might start to avoid you and your lectures.
•Or, she might take your advice, leave her husband and, unless she lands quickly on her feet, then have times of loneliness, guilt, regret, and poverty, and will ultimately come to believe that her troubles are your fault because you told her to do something that proved to be so painful.
So giving advice is not risk free. Perhaps the best response in a case like this is to say, like the doctor in the cartoon, something like, "Why don't you get a divorce?" or, more tactfully, "What keeps you from leaving your husband?" With these words, you're not telling her what she should do; on the contrary, you are placing the decision firmly back on her shoulders, where it belongs.
Sometimes, of course, giving advice is the right thing to do, and the essence of wisdom is to know when this is the case.
But if you've ever seen a therapist (either in real life or in the movies) make one of those maddeningly indirect replies to a request for advice, keep in mind that often no advice is the best advice.Mom to
and my IVF/PGD
It's better to look back on life and say: "I can't believe I did that" than to look back and say "I wish I did that".
New to IVF/PGD for Family Balancing? Read this- Understanding IVF/PGD- a HT Guide for those New to the IVF/PGD Process
Need a Natural Swaying Plan? Naturally sway for a boy or a girl- Personalized Swaying Plans
Become a Dream Member to access the private forums
-
January 1st, 2011, 09:08 AM #2Swaying Advice Coach
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Location
- Eastern Washington State, USA
- Posts
- 108,141
- Post Thanks / Like
- Downloads
- 0
- Uploads
- 0
This should be posted on the top of all the forums (except swaying because everyone should just do exactly what Viene and I tell them to LOL)
Great article!!
-
January 1st, 2011, 09:10 AM #3
I agree. I just offer a good listening ear often. I will see if they are searching for advice, but for the most part, unless it is really asked..I try to keep my mouth shut.
Too many need to keep their 'opinions' to themselves right now in my situation. I mean, I really don't mind hearing everyone's opinions..but their is definitely a time and a place for it and judging isn't going to help anyone!! Sorry..rant over.Sara
Mommy to 4 boys and 2 girls!
AJ, Brian, Kyle, Jacob, Cassandra and my last, Abigail born 9-18-13
-
January 9th, 2011, 09:58 AM #4
-
January 11th, 2011, 05:38 PM #5
-
January 11th, 2011, 06:29 PM #6
I agree! Or at least if you offer advice, state it once, if you really think you can offer the other person some info or insight that they might not have, and then drop it. Now they have all the info but the decision is still theirs to make.
2006, 2008, 2011, HT 2012
Cycle #1 @ HRC, March 2012: Pretesting FSH 5.7, AMH 2, AFC 19. 7 eggs retrieved, 6 fertilized & to GSN, 2 normal XY, 1 normal XX. Transferred 1XX. 1st beta 9 5dp5dt, 2nd beta 777 12dp5dt, 3rd beta 2823 15dp5dt. 124 at 6w6d (2 large SCHs seen). DD born 3 days overdue - December 2012.
So happy for you Treens, congratulations Sent from my SM-A225F using Tapatalk
Healthy baby girl :)