Hello there ... 40 year old, two boys, Vasectomy Reversal ahead of us.

[Sweetplum]

When it's 'do we or don't we?' there is no compromise.

Thank you for writing. This is the crux of it. One of us will have to compromise a lot more than the other and there is always the possibility that this will cause resentment....

You are right, I'm not ready to move on but I'm also feeling bad for forcing my husband to revisit something that we both felt we did decided on together two years ago.
It's more of a life lesson on making decisions now. I made a decision which was OK at the time but now is not....I simply changed my mind.

Do I :
1. Be gentle with myself and move on with the decision to stop having kids and possibly feel a sense of loss but just accept that in life we sometimes have to accept our decisions...
2. Be gentle with myself for making the a decision in the past where now I feel differently and work with my husband to undo it...

I don't think either is right or wrong if they are approached with love and compassion for all parties. They both are OK.

Right now I'm obviously leaning towards undoing it but I'm not totally convinced that is right either. Sure I may get what I want if we do, but is that the "RIGHT" decision? I don't know. Life isn't about me anymore, it's about "husbandwife" as one unit, and about my two beautiful sons too.

I may never know what is right no matter what I do.

[Dreamsister]

Not sure. Atomic, what do you think? More FA or Folate instead? How much?

My husband is being kinda a jerk today about the whole thing. He's willing to do what I want but he's not excited about it. This brings me down a lot. I want him to be as excited as I am about the possibility of a third child. He even said today...I didn't think we would be starting over again, I'm ready to move on from this phase. Sadly, I'm not. Feeling a bit unsteady.

My DH is not exited at all about a possible forth child. He also feel we are done. But he is such a sweetheart and do it for me. I am deeply gratefull for this. What a gift and offer. After he has comitted to the plan I don't bring the baby subject up. At all. I don't talk about it or show my exitement. My children don't know my desire and that we are TTC'ing. I just work on it secretly. Do my diet, cardio. I pray that I will get a BFP before DH change his mind. He is a very comitted, caring and loving father, so I am sure that if we get lucky he will fell in love with another child but I don't expect him to be exited beforehand. Actually I am truly impressed he has comitted to TTC.

I think it is better you show your DH how much you love him and are gratefull that he is willing to do the VR to make a baby with you. You can't expect him to be as exited as you.

Just my thoughts


DS1 (9) ❤️ DS2 (8) DS3 (5) ❤️ DW (41) DH (38) TTC'ing pink from May 2016

[Sweetplum]

Dreamsister you are 100% right...as are all who have commented in this....I need to remember that DH is in a different place as me and that is OK.

I want to make it very very clear that although I get frustrated and sad from his reactions sometimes it doesn't mean I am mad at him or don't understand him. I totally do. We are just in a hard spot and it's OK for him to feel the way he does and me to feel the way I do. We are listening to each other and still very close. I just don't feel totally comfortable doing things in secret - I'm too transparent to be successful at doing things undercover - or doing things only for myself.

The boys have been really cranky lately too which is a drain. I think it's the end of summer itch - they need a bit of structure - but they are on each other all the time. The amount of discipline and attention these two take is huge right now....it's a season of course, but it's B.U.S.Y and emotionally tiring. Of course, in between the moments of total exasperation they do the sweetest things that make my heart explode, as 2 and 5 year old boys do.

[Dreamsister]

Dreamsister you are 100% right...as are all who have commented in this....I need to remember that DH is in a different place as me and that is OK.

I want to make it very very clear that although I get frustrated and sad from his reactions sometimes it doesn't mean I am mad at him or don't understand him. I totally do. We are just in a hard spot and it's OK for him to feel the way he does and me to feel the way I do. We are listening to each other and still very close. I just don't feel totally comfortable doing things in secret - I'm too transparent to be successful at doing things undercover - or doing things only for myself.

The boys have been really cranky lately too which is a drain. I think it's the end of summer itch - they need a bit of structure - but they are on each other all the time. The amount of discipline and attention these two take is huge right now....it's a season of course, but it's B.U.S.Y and emotionally tiring. Of course, in between the moments of total exasperation they do the sweetest things that make my heart explode, as 2 and 5 year old boys do.

Sometimes when our boys are cranky, fighting and really enoying DH looks at me while shaking his head in wonder and say: and you want to throw another child in the mix!!! He truly mean we have our hands full with 3 boys aged 6, 8 and 9, a dog, a big house and two full time jobs! He thinks that we have finally reached a stage in our life where we have more freedom as a family and couple. And he is so right so I don't blame him for expressing his doubts about me wanting to carry out my dream for one more child. I also agree with him that I am selfish and egoistic for wanting to go on with MY dream about a big family because he don't want this and despite his opposition. As time goes by he don't express his worries so much anymore. He has given up on changing my mind and is now cooperating. He even takes OLE! And I keep telling him how much I love him and show him lots of surplus energy.

I know how it feels with kids being too long on vacacion being ready for structure and the daily grind.


DS1 (9) ❤️ DS2 (8) DS3 (5) ❤️ DW (41) DH (38) TTC'ing pink from May 2016

[atomic sagebrush]

Please bump this for me as I do have things to add but out of time for the day.

[Sweetplum]

Bump.
Atomic. Honest - Honest - Do not hold back - opinion. Do you think I should do this...go forward with the VR and take all the risks on #3.
I need a detached totally blunt opinion.
Thanx.

[Shannshaff]

I am going to jump in here. I just read the whole post and I will say, that you know deep down, in your heart, what you truly want. Just do a bit of soul searching. It is right in front of you. If you can't let this go, then there is your answer.

As for your DH, I have not seen anyone else mention this. Yes, he is willing to do anything to make you happy. Yes, he loves you. Yes, you understand his point of view. But he has some very legitimate concerns:
1. He has to have a long difficult surgery to make this dream happen. And, as a typical person, he does not want to have a surgery. And can you blame him?
2. You had a VERY tramatic pregnancy and birth with you last son. He is VERY scared of loosing you. Again. rightfully so.
So, honestly, I would not expect him to be on the same excitement level that you are. And that is totally OK as you have stated. Just do what you have been doing and support him and your family to the best of your ability.

My DH does not necessarily want another child.(I am not even sure of it some days.) But he tells me regularly that he regrets not being able to give me a little girl. (As you can see we lost our twin girls last pg). And that makes me sad and re-enforces the dream and desire for a daughter. He also does not use protection at all, so since I have not had PPAF yet, we are NTNP at the moment. I am loosely doing the diet, no supps except Folic Acid and just started the exercising (very mild) in the event that we do get pg I can at least know I did my best. I am 40 as well and know that time is not on my side. Hope this helps a little.

[Sweetplum]

I am going to jump in here. I just read the whole post and I will say, that you know deep down, in your heart, what you truly want. Just do a bit of soul searching. It is right in front of you. If you can't let this go, then there is your answer.

As for your DH, I have not seen anyone else mention this. Yes, he is willing to do anything to make you happy. Yes, he loves you. Yes, you understand his point of view. But he has some very legitimate concerns:
1. He has to have a long difficult surgery to make this dream happen. And, as a typical person, he does not want to have a surgery. And can you blame him?
2. You had a VERY tramatic pregnancy and birth with you last son. He is VERY scared of loosing you. Again. rightfully so.
So, honestly, I would not expect him to be on the same excitement level that you are. And that is totally OK as you have stated. Just do what you have been doing and support him and your family to the best of your ability.

My DH does not necessarily want another child.(I am not even sure of it some days.) But he tells me regularly that he regrets not being able to give me a little girl. (As you can see we lost our twin girls last pg). And that makes me sad and re-enforces the dream and desire for a daughter. He also does not use protection at all, so since I have not had PPAF yet, we are NTNP at the moment. I am loosely doing the diet, no supps except Folic Acid and just started the exercising (very mild) in the event that we do get pg I can at least know I did my best. I am 40 as well and know that time is not on my side. Hope this helps a little.

Thank you for posting.

You are so right I do know what I want to do : I want to have another baby and sway for a girl (but be thrilled with either). This is 100% what I want. No question.

But - I am not sure if what I want is something that is putting my husband, myself and my family at risk so much that I have to let it go. You are totally right about the surgery for DH, he's nervous and I don't blame him - I actually blame myself for even allowing the V. I feel it's my fault for not understanding that I wasn't ready at the time. The guilt from this causes a lot of pain for me too. I just don't know. If something ever happened to him during the surgery, me during pregnancy or birth or a possible baby I would have even more regret than I would just letting this dream of baby 3 go.

That said, I won't know what will happen unless I try.

People typically take risks when they have nothing to lose...their lives are rough or there is a lot of room for improvement. For me that is not the case. My life is very very good, not perfect of course but we are comfortable, happy and healthy and have so much to look forward to.

Is my desire for another baby worth risking this ideal and happy life we are living? That is more the question I'm trying to understand.

[atomic sagebrush]

I do want to address something Sweetplum mentioned - the financial aspects of all this - for those of us who are not equal earners to our husbands. Most of us are in a different boat where our husbands are the primary earners and we are either SAHMs or make a lot less than they do. I know that for me personally this has been a sticking point between my DH and I - that he has "wasted all this money" on "me and my kids" blah blah blah BUT when I stopped to add it all up, I found that the money that I had brought into the marriage, either that I earned myself or that my family had given to me, paid for every penny of my childbearing adventures and then some. And then the things that it didn't, like cars and housing expenses and heat and food and so on - those things were set expenditures that my husband would have been buying anyway.

So this idea that we were in some sort of completely unequitable situation where he slaved away so I could stay at home eating bonbons and popping out babies was really very misrepresented and unfair. His income goes almost entirely towards either set living expenses that he would have had anyway, or things that were primarily at his personal discretion and not mine (our living arrangements which were far more expensive than they had to be due to his pursuing his own personal dream, his choosing to work certain less lucrative jobs than others, etc). The money I have brought into the relationship, while not as much as he has brought in, still was more than enough to cover my kid related expenses and I suspect that a lot of us are in the same boat when we take a closer look at it.

So many of us sacrificed financially in order for our husbands to pursue education or jobs or so on - possibly even sacrificing future earning potential to preserve our husband's future earning potential - working instead of finishing our educations, so he can finish school or not working so we don't have to pay child care. This is often coupled with financial sacrifices that many of us make in terms of our husband's overall career happiness - like we are supportive of him working a less stressful job, fewer hours, or taking up a different career or educational path in mid****** even though it may cause financial hardships that affect the entire family and our futures negatively. But then this one thing, we are just supposed to give up, because, money. Even when their choices are the reason why we don't HAVE the money. It doesn't track at all. Our happiness matters too, ladies, and I just really urge you guys to look out for numero uno (and dos and tres LOL) because no one else will do it for you.

[atomic sagebrush]

I don't think the stakes are the same for them as it is for us, Big Bump.

When they "lose" they get another child with their DNA to love. Yes it's a bit more work (but nothing like it is for us) and they may have to spend a little money but the benefits in the long term are huge.

When we "lose" we get nothing except that the door closes for us forever. They can still go on to have more children in future relationships and while I would hope that none of our husbands would ever do such a thing, it happens often enough that I think we must take it into account. Jeff Goldblum, Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, George Lucas, Bruce Willis, Hugh Grant, David Letterman, a lot of these guys left long trails of childless women behind them to start up again with some new young woman. We can't do that.

Really - they don't lose. In no scenario do they lose. Only we lose. They always win. Look out for yourselves.