So conflicted and sad.

[Sweetplum]

In an ideal situation you could have a surrogate carry your little girl! No health/age related issues for you. However, mostly out of reach for most people I know.
Have you ever considered adoption? I know that decision is deeply personal, however it could be a viable option as it would displace all of the health risks for you and assure the gender of your choice. As well as make one little girl amazingly lucky. Just a thought.
Good luck in whatever you decide. This must be such a hard place to be in.

Thank you for the comment and thoughts Wantanother2017. We could afford a surrogate but honestly I want to carry another child, nurse another child and go through this again despite the difficulty for me. I know it sounds crazy...

Adoption would be wonderful and we've discussed this quite a bit too. Unfortunately I don't think it would be a good decision for us right now since our boys are so young (2/4) and I'm wary of adopting a child in between or older than them.

We will get through it, I appreciate everyone's notes so much.

[Sweetplum]

I hope this isn't bad advice but I personally think that it sounds like you have a lovely life at the moment and that you should think about leaving things as they are (as you already have been)

Whilst I know people don't think about their careers on their death bed...if you are happy at work and have nice colleagues and good prospects that's a huge contributor to overall happiness and shouldn't be downplayed. Your happiness at work will benefit your relationship with your husband and 2 boys.

Having said that I would find it hard to take my own advice in your position. But it really does sound like you are very content with everything you have going on and the benefits for your family of continuing down this path are huge.

Good luck with it all x

Pinkfairydust. I REALLY appreciate the honesty. You hit on the crux of the issue for us. Our life DOES feel complete, it's happy and fullfilling and I actually LOVE being a mom to boys. It's just that both my sister in laws are pregnant now with girls (both due this summer), my best friend is pregnant with twin (identical) girls, my neighbor just had a baby girl last week and my cousin is having a baby girl next month and well, I'm immersed in a world of baby girls and I feel sad I'll miss out on this....I had never thought of being a girls mom and now I'm feeling like the door is shutting on my chance and will I regret not giving it a shot.

I also feel that the vasectomy was a decision we made because I was older, we had gone through hard health issues and I had in my mind that "Doing this vasectomy will help me move on and just enjoy life instead of thinking of more babies". Well, that BACKFIRED. The vasectomy has shut the door physically but it's opened up a huge can of worms emotionally for me....it's made me feel depressed that we can't even just 'try' casually if we wanted to.

Just so you all know...my husband seems to be more supportive than I originally thought. He said if we do the VR he plans to sway with me (he understands the desire for a girl) and will do anything it takes to be healthy and prepared for a pregnancy and baby. He is a really good man and I am also considering his position in all this. I feel bad that our decision didn't help us move forward as I was anticipating and I really appreciate that he's listening to me and helping me through this process where ever it may lead us. I know ultimately I'll be happy no matter what once I allow myself to feel all the emotions necessary to move forward.

Thank you so much for this note, it brought up a lot of feelings.
Sweetplum.

[maidentomother]

It does sound like if the pinksplosion among your friends & family hadn't happened or even that once it passes, you would and will be content with your 2 boys and life overall. And I definitely think the (at very least seemingly) extreme 'finality' of the vasectomy could be a huge factor in how conflicted you're feeling.

If neither of those 2 things had happened, let alone BOTH, how differently do you think you'd feel? Obviously you can't help being affected by these circumstances nor can you live in a vacuum but consider the fact that acknowledging their effect may improve how you perceive things, bc you can choose how (to want) to feel to some extent. I think your life sounds pretty awesome FWIW!

[Sweetplum]

It does sound like if the pinksplosion among your friends & family hadn't happened or even that once it passes, you would and will be content with your 2 boys and life overall. And I definitely think the (at very least seemingly) extreme 'finality' of the vasectomy could be a huge factor in how conflicted you're feeling.

If neither of those 2 things had happened, let alone BOTH, how differently do you think you'd feel? Obviously you can't help being affected by these circumstances nor can you live in a vacuum but consider the fact that acknowledging their effect may improve how you perceive things, bc you can choose how (to want) to feel to some extent. I think your life sounds pretty awesome FWIW!

madientomother...this is again right on the nose. The thoughts in my head related to all the baby girls being born and the fact that "I 100% can't try even if I wanted to" is probably causing me more angst than the reality that I don't have a girl/can't get pregnant. I honestly feel like I'm in the midst of a big 'awakening/breakdown' - it probably is a mid-life crisis even though I don't think that is the right term....I'm sure it looks like that to you all reading (there is no way I could discuss this with family)...Three of my girlfriends know and I think they can sympathize a bit as they are older moms too....but I still feel a little breakdowny.....

I don't want to go back in time and change anything, I don't feel like I've missed out, I'm not scared of death, I'm not afraid of getting older...I'm just feeling like I'm REALLY going to miss the birth/nursing/baby phase and I feel a bit slighted as mine were so incredibly difficult despite the fact that I tried to educate and take care of my babies and myself so well...I feel like I want one more shot at it and would like a girl if possible. Just to close out this phase. I don't FEEL done even if the universe (and everyone in it) is telling me I am. I realize there are no guarantees and another go could result in the hardest pregnancy/birth/health stuff of all....but I can't help but dream it wouldn't be. It's almost like this fantasy world I'm living in when I escape and think about it (and browse online for girl stuff).

The problem with this struggle is I'm feeling selfish too. My husband is just going with my flow (which I realize is not really a flow but a crazy scribble right now) and I don't want to do anything that would negatively impact the awesome vibe we have with the boys. I don't think a third child would ultimately be bad for them, but it could create stress for them at times when they may need some extra love (starting elementary school....).

Current Emotion: I am feeling in my heart that maybe hubby should just get the VR (with the intention that this would be final and I could use pill or something until menopause) so that I we could try casually and see what the universe would decide for us.

Is that a cop out? To not make the decision really? Is that an awful way to approach such a huge decision?

I don't know.

But what I do know now at this point in the process:
1. I definitely don't want to force the VR and then get all stressed about TTC just to have it not work out.
2. I do think I would have lingering regret if he didn't reverse the V and we didn't give it one last shot.
3. IVF/PGD (although sounding so amazing on paper and an incredible option for so many) isn't for me (us).

I feel so wishy washy and blah. Not me. But in a way it kinda feels good. I was reading Brene Brown last night (The gift of imperfection) and she was talking about living "Wholeheartedly" which has a lot to do with just having 'faith' and trust in the universe. That has always been a struggle for me and I'm really feeling like this whole "awakening/breakdown" I'm experience is ultimately about me going through a process to come to terms and settle into a more mature version of myself...whether or not I happen to do this with a new baby is TBD I guess....

Sorry for the long musing/rant. Writing is really therapeutic. I'm glad I found a place to express stuff without judgement.
Sweetplum.

[maidentomother]

I definitely wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis, more of a 'period of reflection' and 'awareness of the mother/pregnancy stage of life ending' that were at least partially externally triggered,

I understand leaving it up to the universe, so to speak and I absolutely don't think that's a bad or weak decision. I actually think it reflects a lot of strength. Faith and acceptance are very much rooted in strength IMO. Especially for those of us for whom letting go of control doesn't come easily!

From my perspective you've made clear progress in your thinking, so I don't think you give yourself enough credit. <3

[Sweetplum]

I definitely wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis, more of a 'period of reflection' and 'awareness of the mother/pregnancy stage of life ending' that were at least partially externally triggered,

I understand leaving it up to the universe, so to speak and I absolutely don't think that's a bad or weak decision. I actually think it reflects a lot of strength. Faith and acceptance are very much rooted in strength IMO. Especially for those of us for whom letting go of control doesn't come easily!

From my perspective you've made clear progress in your thinking, so I don't think you give yourself enough credit. <3

Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. I'm meeting with my OB on Tuesday and we will see what she says on a third pregnancy.

I really don't want to be the one to make the call, wish she could just tell me "go for it and it will all be great" but I know that it's going to be more like "sure you can try for a third baby but it probably will be really risky" and then what do I do? Gamble with my health and future baby health? It could go great though and I really want to take a shot.

Hubby seems much more open to the idea of a VR to the point where he said "We're going to do this aren't we?" on Friday night when we were chatting/watching movies/drinking wine And I just started balling. Only for the reason that he's so willing to do ANYTHING to make me happy and listen to my feelings. No matter what goes down, I feel more in love with him than ever...this whole thing is bringing us close, when I know it could easily go the other direction...thankful for that.

Feeling kinda low and depressed this morning despite the fact that I'm having an incredible weekend with DH and the boys, watching them play and enjoy eachother so much and the incredible sweetness of a 2 year old and 4 year old. Wishing we could add another to the mix but that dream seems so impossible right now. Our friends came over last night with their three kids (two are the same age as ours and they have a 4 month old baby)...they asked "What are you guys thinking about three?", I just looked at my DH and he says "It's complicated" and smiles. It is, but like I said, at least we are on the same page.

DH has also already come up with these ridiculous jokes he plans to tell his buddies who know he had the Vasectomy if I was to get pregnant. I can't mention them here as they are NOT PC but pretty hilarious and I love the fact that he sees the humor and the absurdity in us making this decision and changing our minds a few months later.

On a good note, I've lost 5+ lbs since the beginning of the year. Just not super hungry really and eating the LE diet suits me right now...feeling low and it feeds my sadness a bit.

[maidentomother]

Your DH sounds amazing and I really want to hear his jokes!

[Dreamsister]

Just want to say hello and welcome. My comment: Go ahead and become our swaying buddy. You got pg with your boys very easily so you are probably still very fertile. I have done ivf/pgd 1 attempt at the age of 40 and realised that it was too expensive and too diffucult to succed with this method - and I realised that I don't want a daughter that badly that I wanted to go through that process.
Re gender: Do your best to sway hard for a pink bean, but don't worry if you get a boy. Having 3 sons is fabulous.


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[Sweetplum]

Just want to say hello and welcome. My comment: Go ahead and become our swaying buddy. You got pg with your boys very easily so you are probably still very fertile. I have done ivf/pgd 1 attempt at the age of 40 and realised that it was too expensive and too diffucult to succed with this method - and I realised that I don't want a daughter that badly that I wanted to go through that process.
Re gender: Do your best to sway hard for a pink bean, but don't worry if you get a boy. Having 3 sons is fabulous.


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Thank you for this note

[Sweetplum]

Just go a big thumbs up from my OB. I was a bit shocked. She said she wasn't worried at all with a third pregnancy for me. Internal C-section scarring was almost non existant (she's done both of them for me), she's confident they can manage my autoimmune issues, the health issues with my kids were flukes and have totally resolved. Biggest issue for me is my age and she went through testing we can do and is going to do 2 blood tests to take a look at my "ovarian reserves". Did first blood test today, will do the second one on the third day of my next period. I think the test results will give us more direction.

She wasn't really phased by Vasectomy issue either, she seemed to sympathize with my desire to just reverse and 'leave it up to fate' until I'm 42 or so.

Feeling truly hopeful for the first time in months.

Sweetplum

PS. When I was in the lab getting blood test done there was a first time mom with her 2 month old daughter. I'm not one to go goo-goo over babies that are not mine, but the baby was very very cute and seeing her fumble around with a crying newborn didn't phase me or turn me off which I think is a good sign