So conflicted and sad.

[Sweetplum]

I thought I would write here as I'm having trouble finding a good outlet to express my feelings on our decision to possibly have a third child. A bit of background on me...I'm 40, healthy and fit, professional mom (work as an Architect 6 hours a day / 5 days a week and I love it). We have two awesome boys. After our second son we had some serious health issues with one of our kids, once the hard times were over, hubby got a vasectomy as it scared us going through such a low point. It's been a year since the V and I'm feeling really depressed....I started feeling sad a few days after he was snipped and it hasn't let up for the past year.

My husband is tired of hearing me talk about my struggles and at this point I really want him to have a V reversal and just let nature takes it course to see if we are 'meant to have' a thrid child. He's entertaining the idea and we have appts set up with OB, Urologist and IVF dr in the next few weeks.

That said - I'm not sure moving forward with all this is smart. If I think with my head it's not. If I feel with my heart it is (I'm aching for a third baby and in particular a girl).

Below are the factors I'm considering....If anyone has insights, support, advice, anecdotes I would love to hear.
Thank you!

1. We have two beautiful boys but my pregnancies were both difficult and I have had two c sections so I worry about a third pregnancy and the toll it would take on me.
2. Hubby has a Vasectomy (obviously a huge factor).
3. Our oldest son is going to be entering Kindergarten soon. My husband and I have our hearts set on an amazing private school. We toured it last night and I was blown away by the teachers, program, students and facilities. Giving our sons an opportunity to attend this school would truly be life-changing. BUT - it's $25,000/year per kid. If we have a third child it would be 100% out of the question as we would already be scraping by with that huge tuition. Do we sacrifice our boys future for a third child?
4. My career is just taking off after a 5 year slow down with babies, nursing, pregnancies. I was just promoted in our small firm to leadership position. I don't know if I want to take a step back as I love what I do.
5. BUT - the bottom line is that I feel so sad and depressed about the thought of not having one more child, of going through this amazing experience one last time.
6. AND - I feel sad about not having a daughter to raise. I love my sons beyond belief but I can't help feel sad about this.
7. Oh and I'm 40....my window is closing fast, if not closed already.
8. I don't feel done. I want the late nights nursing, the diapers and stroller rides and all that again. I don't feel the way a lot of my friends did when they 'knew they were done'.
9. I think I would be bummed out with another boy. I hate myself for writing this as it seems so awful and I know I would LOVE him to peices but I feel like I can be honest about this feeling on this forum. I worry about making all this effort and feeling even more sad.
10. I feel guilty for not being able to decide. I'm usually very decisive and logical...I feel bad about not being able to be strong and clear with my thoughts.

[Boom]

It sounds like a lot to weigh up. I don't envy your struggle but I'm sure in your heart you will find the 'right' answer.
I just wanted to chip in with 2 comments:
1: not being able to send your boys to private school is not necessarily 'sacrificing' their future. Plenty of kids do just fine in state school so don't feel bad about that part of the decision making and
2: if you are considering IVF anyway, your hubby doesn't have to have the reversal done. If you have the reversal, it can take up to 2 yrs for it to be known if it really worked or not and then you would have to do the ivf route anyway. And if he did have it reversed and you have a boy, then how will you feel about more after that? Or will he want to have the op again?!

[nuthinbutpink]

I would go HT to guarantee a girl. You're going to give up a lot to have a third child. I would only do that if you can have a girl.

[nuthinbutpink]

#9 says everything. You can do IVF with a TESA or MESA procedure. No need for reversal.

[maidentomother]

^^^Great point.

1. Is it possible you could VBAC? What difficulties did you have with your pregnancies?

2. Would you/your husband be able to homeschool or want to?

3. Is there no way you could potentially private school 3 kids? Even if you don't have the money now, could you have it somehow in the future? Would grandparents be able to pitch in or close friends? (I would absolutely help fund my good friend's education, I set up trust funds for my best friend's boys at birth.)

4. Would you consider Donor Embryo? That would be your cheapest option of assuring a daughter.

[sunnygirl]

When I was was deciding to have a third I thought, " when my career is over and I'm old, what will I regret?". Then I thought, "no one in their old age has ever thought, "I shouldn't have had more kids" It would be more likely to be, "I should have had another child/more children" it's so much hard work and sacrifice, but it's what remains after all the other stuff passes away. I hope you and your hubby can find the right solution for you guys. Some great advice some of the girls are giving too x

[Sweetplum]

Thank you all for the insights and comments.
I'm one of these women who is so driven and successful on one hand but deep in my heart I think about what my life would be like when I'm 95 and laying on my death bed and I absolutely know that family, love and friendship are so much more important than career etc.

BUT - I also adore my colleagues and find so much love and support from them. I want a little girl so desperately but I'm also thriving in my career (and life) and I love the idea of having our family of four be able to do the private school thing, buy a very nice home and take wonderful vacations. I know it sounds petty and superficial, but I do like nice things too and I want to give my two awesome boys opportunities to travel and grow (which I do believe cost $). My husband likes nice things too - he likes the idea of us being able to sit back now and enjoy all the hard work we both put in both academically and financially to get where we are.

I do agree the IVF/PGD is the way to go but I'm just not sure how I feel about this. What is TESA or MESA?

To answer madientomother's questions....
1. I would LOVE to VBAC. The thought of it brings me to tears actually. I had desperately wanted vaginal births (I was planning on water births at a birth center) for both my boys but I have a serious autoimmune issue with both pregnancies that were very scary. With my first my water broke and was not detected for two weeks and so when I was 41 weeks he had NO fluid left and was in serious distress. I made the conscious choice to give birth via C section to prevent complications for him....I was fully awake and nursed him while they were sewing me up. With my second. Well I don't want to go into it as it is very emotional but things did not go well with the pregnancy and they had to have a team of doctors there when he was born to make sure he was OK. They scheduled the C section to have all the specialists there....I was hoping for a VBAC for him up until a few weeks before he was due when they told me that it really was important for his health that everyone knew when he was coming. It was a very hard time for us. I am meeting with my OB at the end of this month and I'll ask her this question. I think a lot of my sadness is that I've never been able to go through the 'birthing process' when I feel this is a right of passage as a woman. I would love to have this but I feel so old and I feel it's so risky.
2. No. DH and I are both Architects with very full careers and we send our boys to an incredible Montessori school. We both feel it's important for the boys to learn from educators other than us.
3. Possibly. My family has the resources but they are not as on board with private school as we are.
4. I don't think I would do the donor route. Both DH and I would like to see what a girl of our own would be like.

nuthinbutpink. I agree with you 100%.
sunnygirl. I also agree with you 100%.
Boom. You are right about the reversal...this is what I'm struggling with. But it is so much cheaper and more fun!

Anyway. I should go. I'm going to drink some wine (white as I've heard this sways girl just in case) and think more. Ultimately I feel I need to let the universe decide - I just wish we hadn't gone through with the snip and we could have fun finding out!
Thank you all so much, I cannot talk about this with friends so this helps a lot.
Sweetplum

[maidentomother]

I had this hunch it was a Montessori school...that is where I will likely send my kids. I would like to homeschool for at least a few years, how long dependent on each child and my overall situation. If they want to, i would like for my kids to go to the prep school I attended in the US (boarding school), as it was the best time of my life, that would be just for high school. If I don't homeschool up to HS, then probably I will send them to the local Montessori school or possibly the French/German/English trilingual private Catholic school (although I'm Jewish so not crazy about the religious aspect). Education is soooo important to me! I could never send my kids to public school if I had the option for private and fully admit to being elitist!

Does your Montessori school offer scholarships? Are there any other good, cheaper private schools with similar philosophies/approaches in the area (though I know Montessori is very special, and IMO the best, maybe Waldorf or Friend's School etc)? Maybe you can find a scholastic compromise. And I would seriously discuss the finance issue with anyone who might be willing to help you out.

It sounds like you have a very strong desire for another child especially a daughter. Does your autoimmune condition basically ensure complications in pregnancy? Or is there a good chance you could have a simpler pregnancy? I can understand your longing for your desired birth (I want a home water birth), too, and it would be nice for you to have that if possible.

I think you should at least get CD3 pretesting done and see how good of an IVF candidate you are. If your results are really bad, maybe try swaying or consider being done. If your results are great...I'd probably advise you to go IVF for a girl, if you think you will always wish you'd had a daughter.

Good luck!

[Boom]

TESA and MESA are procedures where the sperm are removed from your husbands testes without a vasectomy reversal. It is done under GA and they usually get enough for several IVF cycles

[Zenzazoo]

Hi-
I see we have a lot more in common than I knew about. I also have work to consider but have decided to see what happens in that front. Currently I am in a great position but it is also very stressful. They have been awesome to let me bring my baby to work and he has been there since 4 weeks. I am lucky enough to have an adopted grandma come every Wed to help with him. Now that he is bigger and more active, my husband comes and gets him after his nap and I work from home on Mondays. Not sure if where you work has that type of flexibility but my co-workers and the clients love interacting with the baby. Kids are really a good therapy. I am fortunate that way but I really don't know how it will be when I say I have another one coming. ��. Might be pushing it a bit.