One thing to keep in mind is that self-control seems to take a nose dive in the LP (second half of cycle) and you are not alone in finding that to be the case. I can't stick to my diet and invariably spend too much money too. :p
Question, is adoption a possibillity at all?
Nope. DH is totally against adoption. I am for the idea of it but the reality of adopting probably won't work for our family.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
Feeling pretty hopeless lately. I need to come to terms with the fact that my friends and family will continue to have babies, and that at some point (now or in a few years) that phase will be done for me. I find it both so wonderful and painful to hear about friends and family expecting. I'm genuinely excited but deeply jealous at the same time. Regardless of what we do I need to work on this.
Do you think that once the door is really closed you might feel better?? I feel like for many of us it's that tantalizing possibility that really keeps breaking our hearts.
Yes. I do.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
That was our goal a year ago with the vasectomy...closing the door and making me feel better :( But you are right, at some point this will happen and one option is to waffle until that point I suppose....
DH and I finally had time to talk last night again (after the appt a week ago). We sat in the kitchen for about an hour and went over everything. He is seriously an amazing partner, I'm so lucky and I think I've said this before, but the whole struggle is bringing us closer as we are both handling it so well, really hearing one another out with loads of empathy and understanding.
Bottom line : He has left it up to me. He will be happy either way and I have been given the OK to schedule the VR if I want. The first available VR is not until mid-April which means we couldn't start trying until May which is fine, our Spring is already busy with a kitchen remodel project and some travels. The timing would be good.
But, now that I have the go-ahead and know this is a real possibility I'm not 100% sure I want to pull the trigger.
I'm just going to let it all sink in and hopefully something external will happen that will help with my decision. I feel if it's left to me alone, I don't have the tools to make the call....
If we do move forward with number 3 I'm looking forward to swaying for a girl as it's something I never considered with my previous pregnancies (I REALLY wanted a boy for the first and I equally wanted a boy for the second so that they would have one another). I know now after processing things here (thank goodness for this site) that the girl thing would just be icing...and knowing that I would be very happy with a third boy makes this decision easier actually. I may have bouts of GD over things like luscious dresses and sparkly shoes but honestly, I do everything I would do with a little girl with my boys already (and my boys are VERY fashionable themselves!)
If there is such a long wait time for the appointment, perhaps you should book the appointment and sit on the "go for it" side of the fence for a while and see how that makes you feel?
I am so glad you have such a supportive hubby!!
Mommy to 5 with number 6 due in June!!
I had considered this and called to inquire, but it's $1,600 (non-refundable) to book the appt.Quote:
Originally Posted by mommymachine
Yes I was wondering if that were the case (that you would have to put money down) :( I'm sorry.
Mommy to 5 with number 6 due in June!!
I had lunch with my dad today. 2 hours. We talked about a lot of things...my boys, my career, his project (retired CEO helping launch a pretty amazing start up with my little brother), family stuff, finances (he's my advisor), summer plans and travels. We were just about done and kinda wrapping up some questions I had for him on my finances when I said "there is another factor in all these conversations dad". That opened up the flood gates about everything I've been feeling.
I told him I wasn't sure I was done, I had regret about the V (he knows about it since I was so confused a year ago and asked him for advice then), felt depressed and low. That I'm really happy with my own life but don't want to let this window pass if I think I'll regret not having another kid. That I do really want a girl, but I'd be thrilled with a boy. That I'm jealous of other family and friends having babies but that I know I can't feel this way forever.
He just listened intently. Seriously. Then he sat back and said "well, first of all you should not regret, feel guilt or beat yourself up over the decision you two made a year ago. At the time it was right, it may still be right, but if it's not it is because life changes and sometimes decisions you make at one point in your life may not be right at another" Then he went on "But on the other hand, you also cannot allow yourself to go back and forth on things forever". We talked a lot about this, it's part of my nature as a creative to constantly question everything and not be satisfied....anyway, back to the conversation. Basically he made me feel normal and OK for feeling what I was feeling. We then talked about risk and how often those who take huge risks don't have much to lose in the first place and for me, I have so much to lose by taking on some huge risks with a third pregnancy. The conversation tied into some other risk related issues we both have going on in our lives so it started to make more sense to me.
I have so much to lose.
My life is incredible right now. Not perfect but it's imperfect, messy, happy, sad, wild, joyful and fulfilling...what life should be. It has been really hard recently, but it's not anymore. We endured that. I finally have what I've dreamed of - an incredibly rewarding career where I feel like I'm contributing to society and good at what I do, a loving husband and partner, two healthy children, financial comfort and parents who are alive and well. We have a lot to look forward to.
I feel like it is time for me to move on and start living my life instead of planning for the what ifs. I have so much in front of me. I am incredibly grateful for this site, for allowing me to start in one place and end up in another without judgment (I don't know how many even read this but I am grateful for the positivity here). I am intrigued by all the swaying and I know I'll pop in to read up on stuff from time to time for the fun of it...and to see how some of the people I've chatted with are doing, but I think my time here is mostly done and I've realized what my story is about.
My story is about being an older mom. Having some really hard stuff happen but loving pregnancy more than anything. Loving newborns, loving breastfeeding and late nights. Feeling slighted for not having a natural birth and the 'experience" I expected. It's about me seeing that even though my experiences were not textbook they were mine and my son's. It's about maturing through this and lowering my expectations but not my standards. About putting my children's health first over what I want out of childbearing for me. It's about being unsure of things sometimes and learning that this is OK and I can't make decisions that change my feelings...in the future I have to give my feelings space before decisions. It's about me knowing that I'll have pangs of envy and sadness when I see a gorgeous round pregnant mom when I'm out and about but this is OK. It's about me being an aunt who buys her (soon-to-be-born) nieces some of the most gorgeous clothing to get my fix. It's about me being a REALLY good boy mom and knowing that. It's about me knowing that another child would be amazing and wonderful but my life already already is amazing and wonderful. It's about allowing myself to process this without judgement. And finally it's about realizing that I finally feel like both my head and my heart is telling me to move on with this life I've created with DH and relish every single moment.
Thanks all and best wishes to everyone on finding their own childbearing story, through swaying, IVF or simply processing things here like me. I wish you all the best with all your beautiful families. And thank you again to Atomic for the compassion, insight and research you provide. This is a wonderful place for many women. Peace! and Hope!
Well said! So many things you said are exactly how I feel too. I too was/am having trouble with the end of my childbearing years. I am finally embracing what I have in front of me and being fully present with my three, sweet boys. I'm looking forward to what the future holds for us. While I wish my DH had the DD he desired, I'm grateful we tried one last time and have a beautifully, healthy baby boy! I have always wanted to be a boy mom, and I'm thankful to have them. While I felt I wasn't through having children, I began to realize that the prospect of trying one more time was something I was forcing. Nothing good ever comes from force.
I feel free. Thank you so much for posting your thoughts on the matter. I've been reading your posts and it has cause me to reflect on my thoughts and feelings.
I wish you peace and happiness [emoji8]!
[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]
Thanks SP, I've really enjoyed this thread. :)
if it helps at all, I think that for many of us, myself very much included here, it cuts so sharp because our lives AREN'T incredible. It is that we don't have all this stuff, and we also don't have THAT. If you do have this amazing, wonderful life, then you go, girl. This is a speed bump to you. None of us ever get everything we want in this world and that is ok. Just by virtue of being born when and where we are, we have more than most. Luscious dresses and sparkly shoes aren't all they're cracked up to be, and I just enjoyed a conversation with my 20 year old SON on the telephone more than I've enjoyed buying any of them. :) it's not that I'm not happy with my own decisions, because I am, but I can see how a different set of decisions would also make a person happy and I just want you guys to know that. :heart: Wishing you the best moving on.
I wanted to write back on this before I move on, yes, it might seem like I have 'everything' to those who look in on me from 100 feet. My life seems perfect, people are intimidated (which is hard for me actually). I really like this place because it is an equalizer. I come from wealth, I have all that 'stuff' that should make life perfect but if you strip all that away it doesn't really matter. We all feel the same thing, and seek understanding when we are struggling and I think ALL moms struggle during their childbearing years, if not on gender on when to stop having babies or something else. I frankly value the depth of people and their resilience over the silver spoon (for good reason as I've seen what the silver spoon can do) and that is why this place has been good. There are real women here.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
My husband has said I should write a book as a project. I think this is what I'm going to spend my time on. I love places like this where I can write and meet others so I may be back if I do decide to write something....you are a very selfless person Atomic, all your beautiful children (boy or girl!) are so very very lucky to have you as mom.
XX,Quote:
Originally Posted by XXforhubby
I've read your posts too and I do feel we have a shared story. It is hard to talk about these things in 'real life' as it can be too sensitive for those close to us....too invested in a way. Giving in to the present is really nice! I'm excited to not have to diet and worry and looking forward to finding another fun project for myself :) All the best to you and your family. Three boys sounds like a dream. Enjoy them!
Dear Sweetplum. Wauh. You are not waisting your time. What a deveopment you have gone through just in this short time being present at this site. I really admire your ability to reflection, your sincereness and openess. I wish I could reach the same conclusion as you and xxforhubby: being happy with the kids I have and not wanting more. Take care and enjoy. And many thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This is so beautiful. I'm glad we joined this site around the same time. Your perspective on life shows me that everything will be alright if our second baby is another little boy. Thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetplum
There is something utterly mesmerizing about little girl clothes... there are dresses I still remember like I was looking at a photograph from the time I went shopping after finding out our first would be a boy. But I'd imagine it's not so different than when I buy myself an outfit that initially seems like it has the potential to change my life but then it inevitably doesn't fit comfortably, or it gets ruined right away.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
Clothes are just clothes. It would probably be absolutely magical to shop for my daughter that first time after I found out we were having a girl. But then reality would probably set in, and shopping for a girl would probably become just about the same thing as shopping for a boy. Actually, maybe it would be worse since there's that weird pressure to be beautiful put on little girls.
Yes exactly, it's just like that. I spent so much time and care and money picking out these scrummy clothes and most of them are hanging in a closet or in the chest of drawers because the day to day life she just is a busy bee and doesn't want to sit around looking like a puffball. :) When I put a bow on her head and take her out, she will remove the bow and we have lost about 10 really $$ bows that way. Many days (as you can see by my many avatar pics) I forget to brush her hair even (bad mom LOL but also because she hates it.) It's just not as AHMAYZING as I expected it to be and she has bigger fish to fry.
Thanks ladies. I am obsessed with looking online at girl clothes but I know it's mostly because I don't actually have a girl to dress and it's really fleeting since you can only dress them for the first few years anyway - then they will start to dress themselves...I'm not into bows and frilly things but more lush patterns and bright colors. My boys wear stripes and patterns all the time so I'm only missing out on the pink patterns I guess ;)
I am back here as a bunch of feelings came up this AM when I found out my friend named her baby girl who was born last week "Margaux". I think I may have mentioned that our girl name would be "Margot". It's little things like this that make the feelings bubble up but I'm getting better at putting them in their place and realizing that they are only temporary and related to something external not internal. Seeing the adorable newborn pictures of her was hard though, just made me want to cuddle with a newborn in a cozy rocking chair....
In the past few days I've been able to stop myself pretty quickly when my mind starts wandering down the path of a third child, a little because it just isn't smart with my age and my past (and as I've realized I have a lot to lose by pushing this) but mostly because I am genuinely excited about life with my family as it is and moving forward. But now I understand that being happy/content doesn't mean that I'll never have these feelings of longing or sadness pop up sometimes, just that I'll accept them instead of fight them or give into them.
It's good to find peace even with some discomfort now and then, feels like progress.
Hope all are well :)
If it helps at all, many of us when we did get our DD, found that the "dream name" was not right any more. It's happened to several people who always had a name or three in the back of their minds and then even when we get a daughter it isn't "her." I hadn't even THOUGHT of my daughter's name till the night before I had her! :p
Even at first, they just don't always love the dresses. I remember putting her into dresses when she was a baby and she'd step on the hem and get frustrated because she couldn't even stand up! They are really impractical and you end up putting them into the dress for 3 minutes so you can take a picture before she grows out of it, and it just isn't this transformative experience, if that makes sense.
Yes. This 100% makes sense. I think I have a tendency to daydream a lot and I know very very well that my daydreams are usually way more fun in my head than if they actually become a reality. Vacations are always like this for me. So was going out and trying meet guys when I was in my 20s!Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
The name thing makes sense too.
Been having stronger feelings about having another child again lately. I've gotten pretty good at putting the feelings away but for the past week or so I just have this awful baby fever whenever I see a baby, see a picture of a baby or hear about a baby. Not sure if this is just who I am and that this will never change or if I need to re-evaluate our decision again and possibly re-consider quitting at two.
It's frustrating to just not be able to move on :(
Well. I called the urologist this AM to set up the reversal. Waiting for her to call back. It's officially been about a year that I've been waffling about this. My husband is Ok with the reversal as he sees how much the original vasectomy (although well intentioned due to all the health issues) is filling me with regret and we both know a third baby would bring the four of us so much joy.
Despite logic and all the risks we are going to take the leap and set up the reversal. It will most likely be in October with us TTC in November which will give me some time to sway a bit (I'm going to do a casual sway as frankly I'm not as concerned with gender as I am with just having a baby). If October comes and we get cold feet we can cancel the appt but will lose $800. At that point the door will close for us....and I will be at peace either way as we ran the course of this decision to completion.
It's really hard to be on the fence but the tipping point for us was the realization that we would be trying for baby 3 had we not got the vasectomy. My husbands short term health is a very very big concern for me which is why I still hesitate...but if we don't schedule something now we will be pushing it with my age. It's now or never.
More to come.
Exciting news Lily!!! Keep us posted on things as they develop!! :)
Thanks.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
I'm still not sure if what we are doing is right/smart/risky/selfish/irrational/ok/heartfelt/loving/silly. I'm just so worried about the regret I shoulder and always wondering 'what if'.
Life is so short...
My husband is such a good guy.
Welcome back Sweetplum. So happy you decided to go for a third child. Have been thinking about you and what you decided to do after this much thinking back and forth. Now we will be swaying buddies - and hopefully due-buddies too. So happy for you. Seems like you have a very nice and caring husband. GL with the reversal. Looking forward to your update.
I remember reading this thread back in Feb. Great to have you back Sweetplum! :)
I too was sitting on the fence and wondering what if, and should i/we, and what about this and that and the next thing... am i too old, will it effect us financially, what if another boy, can we carry on with private education, will i manage 3 kids, can i give them all a part of me, will my DH and i be ok, what about baby sitting and my mom having 3 kids to look after at once, what about going on holidays - how do 5 of us sit together on a plane, when i cross the road i want to hold all their hands, can i keep them all safe and will i survive another pregnancy, will i be ok in theatre, my list is silly and endless ...
Seeing my bf with her newborn daughter brought me to my knees. Fast forward 6 months and one attempt and im currently waiting for AF to (not) arrive!. My only agreement with myself for going for number 3, was that i was ok with it being another boy. The other stuff i can work around. Regret i simply cannot. I may have GD like i did with number 2 - but i got over that and currently obsessed with him! x
All the best going forward Sweetplum and i look forward to more of your journey here xx
PS - my second name is Margo :)
Welcome back Sweetplum! I've missed you.
It sounds like you have a good plan that will give you more time to think things through as you go.
Thank you everyone for the support.
My husband saw how at ease and happy I was last night after making the call and I felt very at peace. That is different than a sort of frantic low mood I've had for quite a while. I'm hoping the peace means it's the right decision.
I also got a note from my OB yesterday reaffirming her support of us going for #3 despite my age and previous complications.
The first step for us is getting over the hurdle of the reversal and nurturing my husband.
BTW. Even though I'm posting on a site dedicated to gender selection I have come to terms with the fact that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby I will have a girl OR a boy, even with swaying. I am totally OK with this. I'm even starting to dream of how wonderful it would be to have a third boy. I ADORE my boys so much and they have this very special bond with their mom. Having another boy and seeing how he will fit into our family of boys makes my heart swell. We would be 100% boy and I would just settle into this. Having a girl would be like a cherry on top, but having a boy would just sort of make our sundae really huge and even more full of love and craziness. I'm nervous but hopeful about this whole thing and I don't care that much about the gender anymore. Enough to sway but not enough to stress and kill myself. If things go OK I may just wait til baby is born to find out (like we did with the first two)....
I sounds like you have a totally right attitude. You want another child and not just a certain gender. I think this makes swaying so much more relaxing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetplum
DS1 (9) ❤️ DS2 (8) [emoji173] DS3 (5) ❤️ DW (41) [emoji1326] DH (38) [emoji144] TTC'ing pink from May 2016
We have so much in common. I'm looking forward to following along with your journey as well :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamsister
Every life choice is like that though. There's a song that goes "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" and I think there is a lot to that. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetplum
That is my reality now. The urologist called me today to set it all up. I was busy with a deadline for work...but now I have about 1/2 hour before I need to head off to pick up my son at camp and I can't find the courage to call her back to schedule it. The inability to finally take the leap is really hard on me, and depressing. If my husband didn't have to go through a surgery we would just be casually trying now.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
I have never felt so unsure of something in my life...and unable to move forward.
The "not making a choice" route (IMO) is actually giving up completely. I need to choose to move forward with two kids or try for three....the saddest thing would be if I waffle too long, then realize the door in closed and my husband was still willing.
I called her back. The reversal is scheduled for October 21.
It feels good to take this step...
Wishing you all the best, hope all goes well
So happy you made the choice. How long after the operation will you be able to TTC? I am sure everything will go well and now you have time to set your body up for pink with diet and cardio.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetplum
DS1 (9) ❤️ DS2 (8) [emoji173] DS3 (5) ❤️ DW (41) [emoji1326] DH (38) [emoji144] TTC'ing pink from May 2016
If all goes well we will start TTC at the beginning of November, about two weeks.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamsister
I have 16 weeks to sway but honestly I've been lightly swaying all year so far since I've been on and off thinking of this. My current weight is 8 lbs down from this time last year, and I'm losing steadily without killing myself.
My current sway is as follows. If Atomic reads this, I'd love to hear her two cents on it.
No prenatal til BFP (took these pre conception with both boys)
No omega 3 til BFP (took these pre conception with both boys)
800 mcg Folic Acid Daily
400 mg Ubiquinol Daily
No Aspartame
100% Vegetarian Diet
Lots of Caffiene
0-2 glasses alcohol max per day
Exercise 60 min per day (6-7 days a week)
Skip Breakfast
LE Diet
** Not tracking anything as I don't have energy
** I am not going to obsess because honestly I feel sort of defeated in many ways and with the reversal I'm just going to pray husband is OK and see what the universe has in store for our family.
When TTC
4 day cut off or BD every four days
(With both boys with DTD everyday for about 8 days before and after ovulation, I need a different strategy)
With TTC I have about 2 years of trying then I'm done. I'm OK with that.
Yes, exactly. Hemming and hawing and postponing is really choosing not to. It's easier though, and so a lot of times we end up procrastinating ourselves into making the choice when really, if we pushed ourselves to decide for once and for all we would not necessarily do things that same way. :)
Coffee instead of caffeine - we are not quite sure if it is something in coffee or if it is caffeine so to hedge our bets I prefer caffeinated coffee.
Do not do 4 day cutoff. BD every 4 days is a totally different thing!! Has nothing to do with cutoffs.
If you MUST do a cutoff, no more than 3 days max and 2 days is better.
your husband MUST be doing regular release every 2-4 days. NO abstain, no FR.
There is a HUGE difference between BD daily and having one attempt. Please don't get those mixed up and think you have to have a 4 day cutoff plus abstain for this to work!!!
I am the opposite of a procrastinator really. With this whole deal though it's that we feel like we ALREADY made the decision when we got the V (move on with two) and to go back to the drawing board is so huge. It's such a weird place to be in. To know I want something and could have it but to have done something (for good reasons at the time) that prevents this from happening.Quote:
Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush
Anyway, it feels good to move forward with it. I'm still worried about it all but more hopeful and not as sad.
SIDE NOTE :
I have to say I'm concerned about what to say to those that know we got the V. If they are questioning things if we do end up pregnant.
I know our fertility and family planning is none of their business but in reality I should have a formulated response to those that ask and I want it to be positive, happy and hopeful - not something like "It's none of your business" as that isn't my style.
What would others say to the comment "Oh my gosh, that is great, but I thought you guys had a Vasectomy?"...nothing reactive or defensive though...would love to hear thoughts.....
Hi Sweetplum,
I would probably say "I guess this little one was really meant to be!" and then excuse myself before they could ask any more questions that are none of their business anyhow. :cool: