Originally Posted by
envisioned
The negative thinking is certainly not helping my morale or even the possibility of my dream coming to fruition (you know the whole positive thinking begets positive results aka The Secret etc).
So ... here's what's funny, I TOTALLY refused to picture anything but a boy when we decided to TTC. For the 6 weeks up to my attempt (though I did diet and supps for 9 months prior) I visualized that boy. I don't regret it, but I do think it's part of the reason my GD got to me so much this time. I had convinced myself he was real. DH keeps saying maybe he is, but maybe THIS pregnancy never was supposed to be him. Who knows? I do think it's worth believing you can do it though; I mean, honestly, I've never achieved anything I didn't think I could do, KWIM? There have been things I knew would be tough, but I've never doubted my ability to get what I want ... and that's again where this whole gender thing has been hard. I can't think of a single goal I've ever set that I didn't hit, both in business and in my personal life. I'm very "boy mom" in that aspect, LOL. So the fact that this X or Y sperm thing is uncontrollable? I hate it.
Just b/c I want to do HT, doesn't mean it will be a possibility.... Then the reality sets in of actually doing it and suddenly you're swaying again. It's a vicious cycle.
HT is a long hard road, that's for sure. Swaying is far cheaper and I've always gotten pg so easily (fertility is a blue sign, LOL) that I figured it was a good shot this time. That's another thing that has been tough ... every "scientific" or psychological theory about "boy" parents vs "girl" parents put DH and I firmly in boy. So I thought SURELY it is just the fact that I don't eat enough meat or lift enough weights ... :rofl: But I do think swaying has merit or I never would have tried it.
When we write or read on here, we usually are in a bad place. When we're out living our normal lives, things don't seem as dark. So when they do, we come here and vent and when we read them back later on, half the time it's like "yeah right, wishful thinking" or complete shame in what we wrote b/c we love our kids and it's hard to convey the difference to people that a lot of the GD isn't about not loving your kids. It's also about longing to love and experience the kids that you don't have.
Best part about being here is people do get it; we all know we love our kids, KWIM? ITA with the thought about longing to love/experience the kids we don't have. That's a good perspective on it. And yes ... the other site is harsh lately. I don't post there but have read some of them and it's kind of a battleground rather than a support network.
I had a friend once tell me she thought I was the perfect mom to have a daughter b/c I was strong, independent and took no crap and was a great role model for a girl to have.
I get this frequently. My DD1 is a tomboy by nature, bless her heart ... since she could express a preference around age 2 she wanted to wear superhero shirts and jeans everyday, LOL. Her birthday parties are Batman, Scooby-Doo, etc. And women would always say how great it was that I "let" her be herself, but the thing is, I was GRATEFUL that she was that way. It has been far more difficult for me to buy DD2 the purple tutu's she likes than it ever was for me to get DD1 the Batman shirts. But like you said ... it's her childhood, not mine. Mine sucked and it is of paramount importance to me that my girls always know they are loved and supported. And that they have fun :) Even when their idea of fun is different than mine.
Ok that's a run off tangent. I know nothing I say will help at this time, but just know that you're normal and allow yourself to hurt and grieve. And never say no to #4 if it means it will help you find peace. You never know what lies ahead. I know a friend who has has 4 sisters and the youngest is a brother and she openly states "My parents kept going b/c my Dad really wanted a boy" and she says her family isn't affected by that admission at all. They're all very close and loved by their parents.
That's kind of DH's perspective on #4 ... neither of us ever really thought we'd have 4. Ever. But he's all in if it's what I want to do, and I'm beyond thankful that he's been supportive and understanding and flat-out wonderful about my GD. It's one of those reasons again that breaks my heart for NOT having a son, KWIM? I'm married to an amazing man and I'd love to have him raise another man to share his character. Love the story about your friend whose Dad admitted to going for the boy. I've wondered if my girls would feel like we "picked" a boy if we adopt, but at the same time, I think adoption is such an awesome thing for them to see. We'll see. Anyhow, I'm glad you're here. I'll be rooting you on if you decide to sway :)