How to decide to try for #4?

[zebaniee]

Hi everyone

I have recently given birth to my third DD. I realize that I am blessed to have three healthy, gorgeous children but I still have a nagging in my heart for a son.

How did you make the decision to expand your family from 3 to 4? It would be a big step for us and basically would require a new house, car and would place us in financial strain.

I am struggling with my want of a son to realistically considering the pressure it would place us under.

Obviously there would be no guarantee that we would get a son either as I have already had two failed sways.

What made you decide to take the leap or to close up shop?

[lovemy2blessings]

Dh and I have decided that if we get a 3rd Ds..we would take a risk and try one more time. 4 is our limit. Like you we would need a new car and possibly 2 siblings sharing their bedroom. We think It's worth it as babies are a blessing and trying for a dd a fourth time is worth the changes. We also understand that swaying is not 100% but we have decided that we are willing to take the risks to have our DG. GL in your decision and I send you all my blue baby dust to you!
Btw...how did you get 3 girls?

[Tomgirl]

I have 3 DS I love each of them with all my heart but I have that ache in my heart for a girl. For us it was a decision based on would I regret it if I didn't have 1 more regardless of the outcome and our answer was yes. So regardless of what we end up with 4 is it. We will need to eventually either do an addition to our house or get a bigger one. Fortunately we got a bigger car a year ago so we are set there. It's a decision only you and your spouse can know in your hearts!

[nuthinbutpink]

Is HT an option?

[Houseofblue]

I am right there with you ladies, we will be ttc one more and 4 is def our limit, so boy or girl this will be it. OP, I too struggled with whether or not to try again, I love my boys to bits but one of our sons has autism which can be challenging and I wonder if we could handle another child while dealing with DS2's issues. Dh and I had a very long discussion one night and discussed all the possibilities...we could end up with another boy, or another child (girl or boy) with autism, or a child with different special needs, etc...after thinking about how we/if we could handle any and all of the possibilities we decided we could handle ONE more but that would be it. Also, something to think about... 3 to me is sort of uneven, I think 4 is better, regardless of gender, because everyone has a buddy

[belleweather]

We're trying to make this decision too, although I have three boys rather than three girls.

We can cover the basics for a family of 6 -- I'm not worried about feeding or clothing another child, and we could probably manage to pay for childcare as well without too much hardship. (Stress, but not hardship. My husband has been staying at home for 6 years and wants to go back to work, regardless of whether we have another baby.) My two big boys already share a room and love it, so I've gotten over the "one kid per room" idea I had before we had kids. So we could do it, with some sacrifice.

I think that actually makes it harder to make a decision, because it's hard to weigh the value of a new sibling for my boys and another child for us over the things I know I'd give up. We'd be sacrificing ease of travel as an internationally mobile family -- not that it's amazingly easy right now anyway, but one more baby means one more airline ticket and definitively not fitting into a standard hotel room, even with a roll-away -- a step back in my career to take time off, a step back in DH's career if he had to be home with another baby, and lots of the things we do for our kids financially, like summer camps and trips to see grandma and grandpa, and activities and school stuff. But we'd get a whole other person -- a chance for them to be big brothers again, a chance to raise a daughter for me and my husband, and another lifelong relationship for all of us.

I'm really struggling with it. DH at this point says he wants a daughter, not a baby. I feel like I should want a baby first, and then a daughter, even though we'll likely go HT in the end. I'm wondering if I don't want to think about therapy, even, because I can't seem to come to any kind of peace about the decision.

So yeah. You're really not alone.

[Claire33]

I am in the same boat. I feel in many ways that 3 is my absolute limit, but, will I regret not trying one more time for a girl? Will I, age 50, hit myself on the head because we didn't give it one more shot? If we try again it will be through HT, so it will be expensive and difficult (have to travel abroad for this), with potential huge disappointments. So sometimes I think 3 kids is great, maybe we should stop now? Poor kids, having to share me with yet another child. But, will I one day regret not trying?

[zebaniee]

That's the thing, I'm not sure if I really want a baby or if I want a boy. If I knew I was going to get another girl, I wouldn't do it.

I have asked hubby about going hi tech, he thinks it is not natural and we may end up with a child with a disability. Obviously this is not the case but I would need to change his mindset which is difficult. Another issue is the cost, it appears to be very expensive. Cost is nothing when you consider how much it would cost to raise a child for the rest of their life though.

As to how I ended up with three girls, I have no idea. My second sway was based on timing so this failed. My second sway was based on th boy diet, supplements, swaying and exercise and it failed too. Perhaps it is something to do with hubby.

It is nice to know there are others facing this decision too and that I am not alone.

[nuthinbutpink]

Well, tell DH that you can actually test all chromosomes now before you put back the embryo of the right gender so your chances of giving birth to a baby with issues or miscarrying a baby are actually reduced if you use IVF.

I think you said a lot when you state if you knew it would be a girl you wouldn't do it. High tech is a guarantee if it works. Maybe look into HT a bit and see what you think.

[ocean]

My DH had the exact concerns. But with time, his mindset changed. Posted the gist to my blog if you want to read more.

Belleweather - though I was going from 2 to 3 I grappled with so many of the same concerns. It was a stressful struggle inside my mind, with the impact to my career at the top of that list - almost no women have more than two kids in my industry - and that was well before DH got on board. Deciding factor for me was realizing I couldn't take the risk that I would always regret never even trying. I don't want that burden - for potentially decades - when I can no longer have kids. And besides, HT isn't a sure thing - so though i hemmed and hawed, my mind became clear once I realized it was a long shot and how MUCH I wanted that long shot to work.