gutted. thinking about options.

[jen75]

Hi Ladies,
I just found out i am having a 4th boy after 18 years of waiting it still is not to be for me and i am not sure i can do this again. I am seriously considering my options and realise now i should not have gone for a sway after hi tec failed. DH is gutted and i think this will finish us as its his first baby and i don't want it. I am 13.5 weeks and had the harmony test. I do not think i can get an abortion even though i really want to and i can't try again as this will be my 4th c section. i just don't want to do this again, i have found the 3 boys i have really difficult to raise and i was nearing the end. I said at the beginning of this relationship i did not want any more as i only wanted a girl. After hi tec failed DH was so sad i allowed myself to be convinced that a sway would work, but as he has dodgy sperm we had to give up most sway stuff to even get pregnant at all and now i realise i should have just said no. I have booked myself in for some counselling, but it won't change the fact that i'm having a boy. I think this will be the end for us as i just am not able to share this with him as i feel so angry and i now have to go through this pregnancy and another c section at 38 for a baby i don't want.

[JenB17]

Aww, hun,
I didn't want to read and run, but I also can imagine that not much is going to make you feel better at the moment.
I am sure though, that if you hadn't have tried for this baby, then you would always have regretted it for DH. Its lovely that you will have a baby together.
I know its easy to feel and say that you don't want this baby now, but I am sure that in a years time you wouldn't be able to imagine life without DS4. Give it a bit of time for you to get over the shock and I am sure in a week or so you will feel a little different.
I really feel for you and wish I could say more to help. You obviously do a fab job at raising boys!!
We are all here for you xxx

[Almost Complete]

As your DH does not have any children is he okay with having a DS? You may find that raising a child with a hands on father and intact home is much easier than your other boys. As hard as it is try to think of the positives. Maybe this baby boy will be the Momma's boy that mows your lawn and runs your errands when you're old. Maybe he will be just like you and a buddy for shopping, cooking, whatever you enjoy.

He very well may be the little love of your life. First, you have to believe this may be true.

All of that being said....I'm on here for a reason. When I had DS2, I recall wanting to miscarry so I could have another go. The gender disappointment was so severe. It lasted until he was about six months and we really bonded. He was such a fussy baby. Now he makes me laugh everyday, sleeps with me (sneaks in) each night, and is the first volunteer to run errands with me. I too was gutted and thought things that I had never thought before and cannot imagine today. This is the place to mention cutting off your husband's balls, tying up your first three boys and wishing DS4 didn't exist I think it is great that you realize you have GD. Now that I have gone HT I imagine it is amplified.

[atomic sagebrush]

Jen I am firstly so sorry that it didn't work out and secondly I just wanted to let you know I totally understand where you are coming from...I had a 13year age gap between ds2 and 3 and I could not believe I had waited so long and now had to go thru another pregnancy and birth and babyhood for another boy. It was like my uterus was only 2 days away from retirement and I thought, well at the least this way if something goes wrong I won't care. now of course 6 years later I would not trade him or DS 4 for anything.

I think one child as a functional only child is going to be a whole different ball game than raising 3 boys together and this baby can be a fresh start for you with kiddos - raising one with your new partner in this new scenario with experience being a mom is going to be a lot easier. 18 years ago you were but a girl and 3 boys can be a challenge at any age, but you're an expert mum now and I while I do TOTALLY understand what you're going thru I just want to give you hope that things can be better and different.

[Mommyof3boys]

I feel your pain. I felt the exact same way almost a year ago when I found out my 4th was another boy. My other boys were 11, 9 and 6 and I already felt like I was starting all over as it was and then for it to be another dreaded boy. Let me tell you my older boys are awful. They fight CONSTANTLY. With most families when you take one kid out of the equation (one goes to a friends, etc) it gets better but not in my house. It was constant turmoil. I always felt like a freak show anytime I ever went anywhere because they were always acting up and I was always getting on to them. Their dad and I are married but he is useless on the discipline front and our boys do not respect his authority at all because he has always relied on me to deal with it. When I found out this was another boy I locked myself in our bedroom and SOBBED for at least 2 days. I didn't leave the house for a week and cried all the time. I feel A little bad now because I didn't even try to hide my disappointment of another boy from my other boys. It was awful the only way that I could even describe the pain I felt is to compare is to compare it to the death of a loved one, I felt that bad. Up until I found out he was a boy I really felt a connection to the baby and all of a sudden I didn't even like it anymore. I resented him for my being pregnant and dreaded the rest of the pregnancy and loathed the fact that I had to pick another boy name.

The best advice I can give you is to say that it is ok to feel awful about having another boy, it really is. It is ok to dread having 4 boys and to think about how horrible you think it will be. I think that this is part of the process to healing your heart. Just. Don't make any decisions during all of the pain you are going through. Take the time to be sad and upset and when you finally feel like you are at a point of acceptance then think about your options.

I will say that for me that it got better as time went on. The more I prepared for him the better I felt. It was really hard for me to refer to him as a "he" while I was pregnant and right afterwards I said "the baby" because it felt to definite to say he. After he was born I really struggled deciding on a name because frankly I didn't want to name another boy. And didn't decide on one until an hour before we were released from the hospital.

This all sounds really gloomy so I want to let you know that things changed a lot for me. Somehow with the birth of the new baby my older boys found this sense of responsibility that they had never had. Sure they still fight but not as much as they did. I still feel like a freak show when we go out but now it is because we have 4 boys and people always notice when there are 4 but my kids are acting better. I think it is because they just know (partly because I've told them) that there are too many of them for me to deal with and that they have to behave because I can tolerate nothing else. They all love to help and show off their little brother and I don't think that I could ever love a baby more. There is something about knowing that he is the last that make me love and cherish him even more. It will get better, which I know is really hard to hear and accept but it will and hopefully you will reach a point too where you really don't know what you would do if you would have had a girl because there is something really special about having 4 boys that you would have missed out on. If I could go back I would do everything exactly the same.

Good luck with your baby, he truly is a blessing!

[Leokat]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. I am expecting my second boy, and with just under 3 months to go I still struggle to refer to the baby as 'he'. I always say 'it' or 'they' even when speaking to dh. I thought that this would pass quicker, but I feel like I'm clinging onto the gd for some reason. I hear stories of people who had been told they were having a boy, only to deliver a girl and I feel hope. Makes me feel wracked with guilt! The jealousy I feel when all these other baby girl announcements are made is so strong that I hope that anyone I know who is pregnant has a boy too, as if it makes a difference to me!? Anyway rambling aside as I know this isn't helping but just want you know that you are far from alone in your situation and I'm sending you big hugs. If there is one thing we can not do that is to decide on our feelings as much as I wish we could!! You will come to terms with this somehow and I hope you and your partner are ok Xxxx

[Adia]

So sorry honey. I had horrid GD with DD3 so I can relate to all those feelings.

I am 38 also and trying to sway boy for ages now. If I end up with another girl I know it will gut me but this is my last baby and a huge amount of begging and bargaining with DH has been the only way to keep trying.

Hang in there. So many of us understand what you are going through. I have to agree with other posters. Raising a baby at our age should be a TOTALLY different experience than raising kids in our 20's. I had DD1 too young and never really got to enjoy being her mom but with my other DDs I have actually ENJOYED being their mommy. Age has some advantages.

Huge hugs. We're here to help any support whatever you decide to do. I applaud you for getting counseling. It can be a wonderful thing when you are in a dark place.

[jen75]

thanks for trying to help ladies,
I already have 3 lovely boys who will look after me and mow the lawn, they do not fill the huge DD hole in my heart. I never even wanted a boy at all, always a girl. I am sure he will be lovely and i will love him, but i will stand again on the rugby pitch put of love and duty not pleasure and all day long i will raise the beautiful DDs of others 12 hours a day 5 days a week for the next 20 years, feeling the same heart ache and longing i have for the past 20 years. I do not want to turn my body, that has betrayed me again, over to a boy i do not want and then have a massive operation that will take months of recovery and at the end still feel cheated robbed and bereft. I still have problems with raising Ds3 and he is 11, i have done this and i don't enjoy it. I know parent hood is not all about enjoyment and self satisfaction, but surely it should have some. i do not think i can bear to listen to any more stories about guns and shooting and superheroes. i am sick of having a house full of boys and attending and doing boy parties, and in the future i have to look forward to always being the mother in law. great! it's not the MIL who goes wedding dress shopping or is there when the babies are born. My DHs reaction also re affirms to me how different we always are and will be. he has not even been to see his mum. just told her by text that he is sad because its a boy. I raise children all day every day so i totally know what i am missing out on, which makes it even harder.

[Drunken Cockatoo]

I am very sorry. Just wanted to say that when something in life makes me really deeply sad and there is no way of chancing the situation that it always "helps" me one tiny little bit to know that someday, when some time has passed, I will feel better. You will feel better and you will grow to love this little man - but yes, probably not at the moment - it may take months or years - but it will be better than today someday in the future!!
You will not always be as sad and as gutted as today.

[iluvmy4sons]

thanks for trying to help ladies,
I already have 3 lovely boys who will look after me and mow the lawn, they do not fill the huge DD hole in my heart. I never even wanted a boy at all, always a girl. I am sure he will be lovely and i will love him, but i will stand again on the rugby pitch put of love and duty not pleasure and all day long i will raise the beautiful DDs of others 12 hours a day 5 days a week for the next 20 years, feeling the same heart ache and longing i have for the past 20 years. I do not want to turn my body, that has betrayed me again, over to a boy i do not want and then have a massive operation that will take months of recovery and at the end still feel cheated robbed and bereft. I still have problems with raising Ds3 and he is 11, i have done this and i don't enjoy it. I know parent hood is not all about enjoyment and self satisfaction, but surely it should have some. i do not think i can bear to listen to any more stories about guns and shooting and superheroes. i am sick of having a house full of boys and attending and doing boy parties, and in the future i have to look forward to always being the mother in law. great! it's not the MIL who goes wedding dress shopping or is there when the babies are born. My DHs reaction also re affirms to me how different we always are and will be. he has not even been to see his mum. just told her by text that he is sad because its a boy. I raise children all day every day so i totally know what i am missing out on, which makes it even harder.

First off hugs. I had bad GD when I found out my 4th was a boy. He was supposed to be my last. He is the light of my life. I can't imagine my life without him. I had both my MIL and my mom go shopping with me for my wedding dress. My MIL was there right after my second son was born. Her first grandchild my mom was watching my oldest son. With my third neither of them came until after he was born. My mother took me to the hospital with my 4th my husband was on a train working. He almost did not make it. My Mil watched the kids. With my 5th my MIL watched the kids again and my mom came to the hospital. I would not have cared if the roles were reversed. My MIL is retired and my mom did not know if she could get time off of since she started a new position so that is why she did not watch the kids. My MIL was there within a few hours of each birth. Sometimes I feel closer to my MIL then my mom. My husband and is his brother are close to their mom. I had my MIL and my mom come to ultrasounds. My MIL was first to know about my 5th pregnancy besides my husband and one friend. Many people do not like their MIL, but I like my MIL and let her be part of all the events in our lives. I just want to let you know that not all DIL's will leave you out. I learned from my MIL to make sure your family knows you are there for them, but do not step on toes. She does not tell me how to parent etc. She does not make judgements. I want to be like her when my sons get married.


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