Some thoughts on OCD

[trifecta]

First off, I have two boys and a history of OCD that was pretty bad when I was a child (counting, checking, rituals about touching things a certain number of times with each hand). It has gradually, and atypically, lessened on its own. Nowadays I don't have any of the symptoms we associate with OCD and haven't for many years, long before I had children.

A long time ago I used Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant also used to treat OCD) to quit smoking and was surprised that a few things I was doing that are not usually thought of as OCD behaviors also disappeared. One was making lists. Another was lots of rumination about grudges and career mistakes. Eventually Wellbutrin started giving me hives so I discontinued it but it opened my eyes to parts of my thinking and behavior that I hadn't attributed to OCD before.

I think it's possible that women with OCD might have more boys but could it also/instead be possible that obsessing over wanting a girl is a result of OCD, that if some of us didn't have OCD we might be more able to brush it off? I wonder also, if I had had a boy and a girl or even two girls, would my OCD have just found another focus?

We associate OCD mostly with counting, checking, rituals, fear of contamination, etc. but I think those of us who have it are probably prone to obsessive thinking in general.

Just some thoughts I'm throwing out there. I'd love to hear what other people think.

[Jany1025]

OMG! I could have written this myself!! I find that I have that obsessive thinking also and why I could not STOP until I had DD it just consumed me I don't know that it means more boys but exactly what you said we obsess and now that I have do have DD I do find myself thinking of other things but not as badly.

I didn't think I was that "neurotic" BUT in the past few months I have noticed the same in my boys. My DS#1 has become a germaphobe and obsesses over it, I know I love cleanliness and am always cleaning but didn't think I was a maniac about it?? And DS#2 is the same very rigid, everything has to be in its place no deviation, last night I caught him in the kitchen cleaning the walls with a sponge?? Am I projecting this? Is it learned behavior or genetic?? Actually have started to worry because now in public my DS#1 has some anxiety (someone has a cough or anything remotely contagious) he is in a panic

[LacePrincess]

I have OCD and GAD.

I think it's entirely possible that us OCD types fixate harder on the girl goal than those who don't have these sorts of tendencies. I tend to fixate on any goal/achievement in life, it's not just TTC a girl. Like career wise, hobbywise, etc. The interesting thing with me is I tend to rotate my fixations so it's not always the *same* thing all the time.

Another thing that proves this theory on this site anyways, is that I've always gotten the impression that there's a lot more activity on the TTC pink side than the blue! I could be totally wrong and I actually have no idea if there are more members here going for pink over blue, but it always seemed that the pink swayers post a lot more frequently.

I too have gotten better in my OCD with age. And pregnancies - they always seem to normalize my moods. I haven't needed to be on meds for years and I sure hope it stays that way. I too am worried about my kids developing OCD/anxiety issues, and I'm always on the lookout. My youngest son seems to be particularly sensitive to certain things (like sock seams and shoes) and I read those can be early symptoms so I'm on the lookout.

[trifecta]

Another thing that proves this theory on this site anyways, is that I've always gotten the impression that there's a lot more activity on the TTC pink side than the blue! I could be totally wrong and I actually have no idea if there are more members here going for pink over blue, but it always seemed that the pink swayers post a lot more frequently.

If I hadn't had a boy I would have wanted one but I don't know if I would have obsessed about it like I do. For me it really feels like I somehow wasn't worthy enough/feminine enough/attractive enough to produce a girl. I think my mind is geared to obsess and for me this was just something that got to the heart of my feelings of inadequacy. It was a sticky topic for me and I got stuck on it.

This is an awful thing to admit and remember but I also had two obsessive love experiences during my life, one as a teenager and one in my early twenties. In both cases they were emotionally abusive relationships (the second one was also physically abusive) that I was very hung up on fixing. I felt like I had to get the other person to fix the damage they had done to my self-esteem and it took a lot for me to move on. I think things that deal with my feelings of inadequacy are what I get stuck on, things that awaken deeply personal feelings.

I fully believe in the sincere, equal suffering and desire of women who want sons but maybe a smaller number of women feel like not having a son really cuts to the heart of their identity.

I'm glad your OCD has also gotten better over time. From what I've read most people get worse as they age so I'm grateful to have gotten better in so many ways and to have had the opportunity to recognize how it was still affecting me. My grandmother had OCD, too, so I am wary of there being a genetic link.

[LacePrincess]

I fully believe in the sincere, equal suffering and desire of women who want sons but maybe a smaller number of women feel like not having a son really cuts to the heart of their identity.

I'm glad your OCD has also gotten better over time. From what I've read most people get worse as they age so I'm grateful to have gotten better in so many ways and to have had the opportunity to recognize how it was still affecting me. My grandmother had OCD, too, so I am wary of there being a genetic link.

Ohhh....I don't think this is true. Depends on your cultural background. I'm Chinese, and believe me, the Chinese are boy-obsessed. It's ALL about having at least one son. Which is a common theme in many Asian countries. I just think that the natural pink friendly moms are more fatalistic about things and feel less in control, and thus the obsession doesn't factor in as much. When you don't feel like you can micromanage and control things then you don't tend to obsess/fixate as much. I believe many girl-moms yearn for boys as badly as we yearn for girls, they just may tend to feel like they have less ability to change fate.

I hear you on ruminating though, especially 'getting stuck'. I've been there many times! I hope things are better nowadays. I don't know if it's age, or time, or the LE diet, or heck the Metformin, but honestly my GD has really lessened.....I think that my boys getting older and all being so different has helped. And being able to see myself in them in different ways has also helped. I think trying the HT route, even though it didn't work out, at least put that 'what if' to rest, yk? At least I know I tried and didn't always wonder.

So not really sure why my OCD is really not so bad now, but I'm grateful! I'm always wary of it coming back though, I do get ebbs and tides of it and probably always will.

[trifecta]

I hear you on ruminating though, especially 'getting stuck'. I've been there many times! I hope things are better nowadays.

On the whole everything is much better. I've been in a healthy marriage for twelve years. I do still ruminate about different things including GD but if it's not productive I self-censor (that sounds awful but it's very helpful for getting out of the "loop" of rumination) or use self-talk to get around it. I see a psychologist every few weeks, btw.

[maidentomother]

Unfortunately OCD has a strong genetic component but like most things environment matters too. If you're genetically predisposed and grow up with a parent with an anxiety disorder it does put you at higher risk. I think the important thing is to keep an eye out, acknowledge and treat as necessary if you see symptoms in your kids. My parents 'didn't believe' in mental disorders, they thought my OCD was 'just a phase' despite the fact it was severe when it first manifested and definitely inhibited my daily functioning. Which was the worst response they could have had. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 19.

OCD isn't all bad IMO and it's very treatable, we just need to be open about it.

I do think boy moms having OCD tendencies is part of why there is so much more pink sway activity (vs blue, which there really is), but I think also women are more likely to be okay with just girls than just boys. And I also think there are more moms of just boys than just girls.

[LacePrincess]

trifecta - You sound like you're doing great!! I mentally sometimes have to 'slap' myself out of a negative thought pattern too, because from experience I know when I'm thinking in ways that will spiral into bigger problems. I've learnt to tell myself to 'shut the hell up' in my OCD brain, LOL. Whatever works!


maiden - in a lot of ways in North America, yeah I agree that girl moms are more likely to be ok without boys than boy moms without girls. Where I am there is definitely a bias favouring girls. If it were in Asia it would be the other way around for sure! So sometimes I think it's a pity I don't live in the land of my ancestors....if I did I'd have the perfect family and be the envy of society, instead of having to hear all the crappy 'oh I don't know how you handle 3 boys' type comments.

[atomic sagebrush]

I understand what you're asking here - kind of a chicken/egg type of thing really. But it is definitely something that I see again and again both in myself and others who have all boys, that does not seem to be true for the general population.

BUT I can say for me personally, I have always been super anxious, I don't have OCD type symptoms (but I do tend to like to have "complete sets" of things like dishes I never use and spices that no one even likes LOL. I have always had a very very high level of social anxiety and as you said, LOTS of ruminations over things that happened and I could think back on things that happened when I was like 10 years old and feel a level of humiliation as if it just happened. I also tended to plan and worry obsessively about scenarios that were highly unlikely, I didn't feel comfortable without a plan for any scenaro no matter how ridiculous. People thought it was very odd, it was severe enough to be harmful to my life and my parents and husband have always acted like I was nuts so it would appear to be something that does appear to the outside world to be "different" about me.

I didn't have any gender preference at all until well after my second so for me, the GD really didn't play a part in what was a pretty much life-ruining level of anxiety all thru my 20's. It did get gradually better over time in my 30's and it was mainly from having more and more experiences where things happened and it wasn't ever as bad as I envisioned it. I did still have social anxieyt and the tendencies especially to ruminate over things to an obsessive degree and plan a lot and got my 3rd and 4th boy in that state of affairs.

When I got my daughter, I really really did feel differently than at any point in my life, ever. I have outlined some of this in this thread http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gend...july-20-a.html and while I do think diet played some part in this, I really think that in no small part it was a fatalistic mindset that I have never experienced before. I had finally learned that what I did, all that plotting and planning and worrying and trying and half-killing myself with effort every day, made no difference at all. I coudln't stop my father in law from getting sick. I couldn't stop my husband from doing the stuff he was doing. I couldn't change the fact that I had 4 boys. I couldn't change decisions I had made decades ago that brought me to where I was. It wasn't the diet or tiredness that made me understand those truths, it was life experience and it was like an epiphany. I've had a crappy diet and been tired before and gotten boys that way. It was only once I was forced to let go of that "Martha" BS and realize that I HAD TO start turning things over (including the blame for other people's bad behavior) to other people and even a higher power that I really felt like something had changed inside of me and that, I think, is among the main reasons I got a girl when I did.

So, long story short, while I do see what you're saying that maybe it is a bit chicken/egg-y, for me, I was an "unusual" person before and got 4 boys with everyone saying how strange and unlikable I was, and then only once I had the epiphany and my behavior changed, most importantly the inner dialogue where I'd plan and scheme and decide how hard I woudl try the next time and how I'd fix everything and make it all perfect, and then everyone would love me and do what I wanted them to do LOL that I have ever been really able to let go. It's been really freeing. I am not sure it's something that I can really explain to those who haven't been through it, but I know some others out there have!

[atomic sagebrush]

Unfortunately OCD has a strong genetic component but like most things environment matters too. If you're generically predisposed and grow up with a parent with an anxiety disorder it does put you at higher risk. I think the important thing is to keep an eye out, acknowledge and treat as necessary if you see symptoms in your kids. My parents 'didn't believe' in mental disorders, they thought my OCD was 'just a phase' despite the fact it was severe when it first manifested and definitely inhibited my daily functioning. Which was the worst response they could have had. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 19.

OCD isn't all bad IMO and it's very treatable, we just need to be open about it.

I do think boy moms having OCD tendencies is part of why there is so much more pink sway activity (vs blue, which there really is), but I think also women are more likely to be okay with just girls than just boys. And I also think there are more moms of just boys than just girls.

You can see this in the ways people try to explain their GD - it's either "I have had everything just the way I like it in my life and so that's why I think I have GD, this is the only thing I haven't been able to accomplish" or else "Nothing has gone right and I need this one thing to fix things" When really it is very likely that gender desire, esp. for a same sex child is probably innate for some of us and there's no deeper psychology to it than that.