Maternal Dominance Hypothesis and Priviledged Daughter Hypothesis

[trifecta]

My boys are emotional and empathetic but true to the stereotype they express their aggression physically rather than through relational aggression. It doesn't surprise me that boys are more emotional. I've heard also that they become much more tearful and sort of overly-sensitive right before puberty. I think we tend to think of women as being somehow more hormonal and thus more emotional but we all run on hormones. Women get a bad reputation for suffering from PMS but somehow men who wake up grumpy or horny don't carry the same stigma. (Sorry, it's not exactly on-topic but since it has to do with how we perceive the sexes I thought I would throw in my two cents.)

[MiaMelb]

This has been a really interesting line of thought Atomic. I appreciate how hard a job it must be to not offend when you are putting thoughts down like that. Given what you've said about controlling tendencies in mothers being counter balanced by having boys, I'm curious as to what your thoughts are on the reserve, having lots of girls? Is it that relaxed "what will be will be" type mothers need less "wild" children who are less likely to break everything and kill themselves?

[kittendreams]

My hubby and my ds1 are so much more emotional and sensitive than me lol.

[LMSM]

Very interesting post!
It’s funny though because I am of the controlling type, liking things to be in order etc, and would think myself as a boy mum – yet I have 2 soon 3 girls. And I can tell you my girls are probably far from the stereotype of girls lol whether I shaped them to be like that due my personality is an interesting thought though maybe? as they would probably have what are considered classic “boy traits” (they are not the docile, quiet, eager to please kind – but rather the loud, adventurous, never still, strong willed-not-beaten-by-boys kind ^^). Possibly their personality (rather than their gender) is what truly suits me best, in the end if the third ends up being a girly girl quiet and gentle, I may be in for a shock haha

[trifecta]

I think it makes sense that the mothers who over-supervise get the caveboys who would kill each other with rocks if nobody was watching but does having boys really counterbalance these tendencies? I tend to think it makes these tendencies worse because the need for supervision also increases.

[Greydore]

Trifecta I couldn’t agree more about the stigmas each gender face. I think it’s completely unfair to women- we have been fitted with the ‘over emotional’ label, but when’s the last time you heard of an angry woman going on a shooting spree or killing a man because he turned her down at a bar? It’s extremely rare. Men have strong emotions and society in general does a bad job of acknowledging that.


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[Greydore]

My hubby and my ds1 are so much more emotional and sensitive than me lol.

I’m definitely more emotional than my H, but my oldest son is just like me. He feels things very deeply, and I wonder how that will play out for him as a boy as he grows up. My youngest is more like H.


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[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks atomic, I was only thinking about my control issues yesterday & wondering how an earth I can back off. Reading how it impacted you as achild, which I’m sorry you dealt with, helps me realise how negative it is being on the other side. I have been trying to let go, but can’t say I’m doing that great [emoji17]

Any tips on how they managed to let go more & more. Walking around with my eyes shut & ear plugs in isn’t as easy as I thought it may be. Ha ha


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Here's the thing though - it's something that you can't really force and trying to force it is really just part and parcel of the bigger problem. Because it's another thing to try and control, you know?

my best advice as someone who has been there, done that, is just have the mantra - whatever it is that helps you remember that life really is, at the end of the day, entirely out of your control. It's weird acknowledging that (and very hard for those of us who are control freaks) but it's really true. All these things we think we are accomplishing are by and large rituals that make us feel like we're doing something (like telling your kids "call when you get there" I mean really, what does that even accomplish, but it makes us feel somehow like they are protected!) but they aren't any more real than an OCD person counting to the number 20 whenever they hear a "bad word". It's just an empty thing we do to alleviate stress but it's an illusion.

Now, if you're worried about your kids wrecking the house, etc. please try to keep in mind that ALL parents have those feelings, boy moms and girl moms alike. Disciplining the kids when they're being naughty is not going to make or break your sway. Keeping a colorcoded chart of the miniscule fluctuations of your cervical mucus pH DOES make or break a sway.

There are many things in life you kind of have to control. It is FINE to control the things in life you have to control. What I am trying to get you guys to avoid is trying to control the things in life that are NOT necessary or even impossible to control (like having a "perfect" sway by taking your temperature 700 times a day and measuring every morsel of food that goes into your mouth, for example). It is not and never has been my intent for you guys to take the warnings of this thread - "don't get swaycessed and control freaky over swaying" - then extrapolate that to everything else in your life.

[atomic sagebrush]

Just to be clear, I don't have glassware or figurines or anything like that, but I have walls, drawers, doorknobs, shower curtains rods, etc.

I'm not always on their backs but the "boyish" behaviors definitely cause me stress.

Maybe that's why your odds of conceiving a boy go up further still after having a few boys: because they drive you freaking crazy!

I completely know that and I apologize for using your post as a jumping off point for something that you were not even implying or thinking. Sometimes I will see a post that triggers me to talk about something I've been pondering in my head anyway and this was one of those times.

[atomic sagebrush]

Maybe I’m the odd one out, but I love my boys’ wildness. The jumping, the wrestling, I love it all. Watching them ‘wrestle’ with my husband is so sweet and funny. Maybe I’m ok with it because we really don’t have a lot of nice things, and I’m not a clean, organized person? I never have been, so maybe it makes it easier for me to have boys? I don’t know. Of course they do things that irritate me, but I figure most kids do. I’ll agree with atomic that all of my friends with girls say they’re easier than boys (while they’re little. Most think they’re more difficult as teenagers). When I was little I was very obedient, quiet, people pleasing, and ended up with an eating disorder I battled for a decade. That was a huge reason I was terrified to have a girl; boys have them but they’re much more prevalent in girls, and ED’s are hereditary. I still don’t know if I want a daughter. When I nannied I bonded much more easily with the boys, despite their boy tendencies that can make them more difficult. Maybe the tendencies that girls have just annoy me more? I don’t know. Either way, I’m think I’m a good fit as a boy mom.


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This is me too - I don't have a lot of nice things and nor am I neat or organized sadly (outwardly) but I find that there are many manifestations of "nice things" and "organized" LOL and they don't all exist in the physical world, if that makes any kind of sense. Sometimes my boys have "destroyed" things that matter(ed) to me a lot and they aren't physical, tangible things, but more like my hopes and dreams for them and for my family and what my family was going to look like and be like, if that makes sense. They're not doing anything wrong, please understand, it was that my hopes and dreams were inaccurate/inappropriate/too much and I had invested one heck of a lot of time and thought and effort into having those dreams and expectations. Over time they have largely said NO to most of those things (rightfully so) and I have had to reevaluate constantly and revise expectations downward (and again, let me just emphasize that I was the one in the wrong, my expectations were inappropriate and too high.)

Now, I know that I've done the same thing to my parents. I did not live up to their (too high) expectations of me (ever LOL) but the fundamental difference is, I always felt soul-crushingly guilty over it, and to some not small extent still do. My sons, on the other hand, just really don't seem to care that awfully much. They don't care if I approve of their clothes or hairstyles or friends or education choices or the cleanliness of their living space. They just don't give a crap LOL (and I mean that in the best of all possible ways). But I will still to this day, at 47 years old, torment myself for a solid month if my dad is coming to visit, cleaning and cooking and planning where we'll go and making sure I have a manicure and my gray hair is dyed (and the last time I couldn't afford to get my hair done and I thought about it the ENTIRE visit aaa). And my dad judged me the entire time on stuff - not my hair but other stuff. That's the weird thing about it...these things are really not in my head, they're for real, my parents really really are super judgy and I just can never seem to tell them to STFU about anything like my sons are only to happy to do to me (and I usually deserve it!)

I would have been a horrible mother for myself, I just know it, and I can only hope to take the lessons that i learned from the boys and apply them to my daughter so she never needs to freak out for a month in advance if I want to come for a visit.