I can totally relate to this, I felt the same when I heard my sister in law was pregnant with her first, I had myself convinced she would have a girl and I prayed she wouldn't (which I felt awful about) but I just didn't want her to have what I wanted, when she went into labour I felt physically sick I was so relieved when I got the phone call to say she had a boy I was over the moon, I thought I was an awful person but hubby reminded me that we can't help our feelings so don't feel bad please just know your not the only one x s