First time mom, resent my husband and baby

[hotdogz&boyz]

My first child was a BC baby as well. And I had LOTS of negative emotions. At the time I wasn't in the online community (anywhere) and I didn't have any safe people I could tell about my feelings. I just harbored some horrible thoughts about my child, myself as a mother, and how it could have possibly happened (not only was I taking BC, I was also told I was unlikely to have children because of a previous illness affecting ovulation). I was really angry and scared. I also had to stop taking my OCD medication and really struggled with thought patterns and anxiety during his pregnancy. Thankfully, GD wasn't a part of my struggle. I didn't have a strong preference either way, I don't remember having time to think about it, I was just so terrified about all the other changes happening (considering I got pregnant in a non-serious relationship). But I do want to give you hope that having a child DOES change things. Not immediately. I was amazed by my child right away, but it took a while to fall in love with him. I struggled a lot in his early days and throughout his first year. But I can say with surety, you are not a horrible mother because you have negative thoughts toward your child.

I'd like to suggest that you try to leave stereotypes aside when thinking of your child. It's a lot to adjust to anyway, the unplanned aspect and the shock of him being a him. I think that overwhelming yourself with negative gender stereotypes isn't going to help matters much. Boys don't abandon their mothers. They aren't all interested in sports and stuff with their Dads. Girls also aren't naturally "girly" and drawn to their mothers. I know plenty of women who despise their mothers as adults. And plenty of grown men who adore their mothers and check in daily (ahem, my younger brother). Boys aren't just dirt and noise and trucks. I think any person in this forum could bust 2-3 gender stereotypes in a single bound.

I'm certainly not saying the road you are on is an easy one. You might feel angry or upset for a while. Even after he comes. But I think that, in time, you will come to realize that he is yours...independent of gender. He will look to you much like your dogs do, with unabashed admiration and that is when the connection will begin in earnest (if not before).

(If you notice, not only did I fall madly in love with my son, I also loved motherhood so much that we have had two children since my first was born. And we want more. I am a fine mother. Not perfect. I yell and get overwhelmed and sometimes want to curl in a ball and cry. But I do adore my kids and I'm often grateful that things happened the way they did. Not saying you will feel the same. But it does happen)

[insertusernamehere]

My first child was a BC baby as well. And I had LOTS of negative emotions. At the time I wasn't in the online community (anywhere) and I didn't have any safe people I could tell about my feelings. I just harbored some horrible thoughts about my child, myself as a mother, and how it could have possibly happened (not only was I taking BC, I was also told I was unlikely to have children because of a previous illness affecting ovulation). I was really angry and scared. I also had to stop taking my OCD medication and really struggled with thought patterns and anxiety during his pregnancy. Thankfully, GD wasn't a part of my struggle. I didn't have a strong preference either way, I don't remember having time to think about it, I was just so terrified about all the other changes happening (considering I got pregnant in a non-serious relationship). But I do want to give you hope that having a child DOES change things. Not immediately. I was amazed by my child right away, but it took a while to fall in love with him. I struggled a lot in his early days and throughout his first year. But I can say with surety, you are not a horrible mother because you have negative thoughts toward your child.

I'd like to suggest that you try to leave stereotypes aside when thinking of your child. It's a lot to adjust to anyway, the unplanned aspect and the shock of him being a him. I think that overwhelming yourself with negative gender stereotypes isn't going to help matters much. Boys don't abandon their mothers. They aren't all interested in sports and stuff with their Dads. Girls also aren't naturally "girly" and drawn to their mothers. I know plenty of women who despise their mothers as adults. And plenty of grown men who adore their mothers and check in daily (ahem, my younger brother). Boys aren't just dirt and noise and trucks. I think any person in this forum could bust 2-3 gender stereotypes in a single bound.

I'm certainly not saying the road you are on is an easy one. You might feel angry or upset for a while. Even after he comes. But I think that, in time, you will come to realize that he is yours...independent of gender. He will look to you much like your dogs do, with unabashed admiration and that is when the connection will begin in earnest (if not before).

(If you notice, not only did I fall madly in love with my son, I also loved motherhood so much that we have had two children since my first was born. And we want more. I am a fine mother. Not perfect. I yell and get overwhelmed and sometimes want to curl in a ball and cry. But I do adore my kids and I'm often grateful that things happened the way they did. Not saying you will feel the same. But it does happen)

Thank you for this. For reassuring me that my thoughts aren't a bad thing and reminding me that my child will be an individual who may be everything I ever wanted in the end.

The bolded actually means a lot to me in a weird way. Comparing my kid to dogs is actually helpful to me. I read an article recently about how the brains of dogs are similar to a toddler's brain and told my husband about it. Today while I was once again hashing over my feelings with him he pointed out the article and asked me if I would love the dogs any less if they were human toddlers laying on the couch with me. And of course I laughed and told him no, I would love them the same so he reminded me but the dogs are boys and would be boy toddlers. And for a minute I was trying to say "But they're mine so it's different" and then he just gave me a funny look and I was just kind of like "Touche, sir"

Yes, I'm on of those people who treats her dogs like legitimate members of the family, but it kind of helped tonight. I have little boy dogs but I love them without caring about that because of their personalities and the bond I have with them. If I stop being so hung up on this girl thing I can bond with my little human boy and I'm sure I'll love his little personality once he gets one (how old are they when they stop just being crying potatoes? I'm not a baby person so I really don't know this stuff...thank goodness my mom will be here to help the first couple weeks!) It's all easier said than done, but at least I am looking at it as something that will happen.

I don't know if it's the words you ladies have said or just because I ate an entire pan of brownies (my husband can bake) but I do feel a bit better tonight after having a nice day full of self pity. Hopefully tomorrow I can get at least a little excited about the tiny little baby boy socks and outfits my hubs brought home. I do love dinosaur outfits, so that a plus to little boys, right?

[Adia]

As a fellow military wife I encourage you to reach out to others so you don't feel alone. Although you may not find someone in the exact same situation as yourself, you can find others who understand some of your fears and concerns.

Most military communities offer New Parenting classes or 'bringing home baby' classes. Great place to connect with others.

Their is many a military wife out there who has gotten pregnant without meaning to and then had a hard time with the adjustment which is piled on top of a lot of other things military wives have to put up with.

As I learned living overseas with a husband that deployed regularly, a bipolar out-of-control DD1, an ADHD DD2 and a new baby is the road was much easier with others to lean on. Military wives can support you in a special way that it hard to understand unless you have been there.

Big hugs, you are not a horrible person and it will get better in time. I promise!!

[lisvna]

I agree with the others!!!!

And about not breast feeding: my first son didn't like the breast feeding at all! He preferred formula and he is very smart boy and I'm really not a terrible mother hihihi.

Please don't be hard on yourself and I can truly say boys are so kind to their mothers!

[Mum to three girls]

Re the breastfeeding : most drugs will have cautions on them re breastfeeding to cover the drug companies' a**** but there are actually very very few medications that are genuinely unsafe. When Compared to pregnancy where the fetus gets the full whack of the drug with most drugs the amount that goes through to the milk is very small. Sometimes the timing of the medicine can make a big difference as well. Your family doctor can discuss your medication choice with a pharmacologist (a medical doctor who has subspecialised in medications) to clarify things, most of the time the bonuses of breastfeeding outweigh the teeny tiny dose of medication the baby receives.

Im certainly not a die hard "breastfeed at all costs" type mum but, if it's going well, breastfeeding hormones are very calming (probably nature's way of letting you have a rest).

[Kittybear]

Hi Hun, please don't be scared. What the other ladies have said already is brilliant, and I don't have much to add, just there really is a special kind of magic when you see yourself in the eyes of your child. It could be a physical similarity, or maybe a mannerism you recognise, or just a little feature that reminds you of you. But when it hits you and you think 'wow, I made you, you perfect, beautiful little person' it really is amazing. I really wish you the best of luck on your journey. xx

[motherofboys]

I havent read others replies, so forgive me if I'm going over old ground. I'm in a hurry but couldn't go without replying to you.
I'm sure the on fact everyone will have stated is that you will love your son. Whether you have no more, or you have 10 more, you will love your baby, eventually. With your history of depression I would talk to someone, you don't have to reveal its the gender that set you off again, but you risk post natal depression. Which is a place I can speak from. I was depressed after my 2nd son and resented him, I ended up taking 2 years (and another pregnancy) to really bond with him.
I've now got 4 boys, and love each of them dearly but STILL want a girl.
I'm also feeling some resentment towards my husband. Although he did want to a little girl, he also seems to be a bit too chipper about it all. "See if we had a girl we couldn't...." "If we had a girl we'd have had to....." "Good job we haven't got a girl or......"
I can't help my head from going "its alright for you, you got your boys, you take them to judo and karate and football. You watch match of the day with them. I will NEVER get to sit and watch my daughter in a ballet class, I'll never take her to see the new Fairy film, or sit and snuggle watching The Swan Princess and you don't even care" Which is unfair because he does care.

There are times when the disappointment is overwhelming and all consuming, and times when its just a tiny thought at the back of your head.
Take this time to grieve for the daughter you imagined. Its ok to let it out.

[Peebell85]

Just wait until the moment your little boy grazes his knee and no one in this whole entire world will make his tears stop except you. No feeling in this world quite like that. The love you feel for that little person will overpower you and all of these feeling will be a distant memory.