Scared of dying in childbirth because...

[CarolineSinclair]

Thanks for the advice, sagebrush. Well I don't have good insurancem I have MedStar Family Choice, which is under Medicaid. So I worry that suppose the echogram wasn't good quality, or I needed more invasive tests. Also I worry that with this bad insurance, they will let me and the baby die, maybe even want us to because we're poor and because I'm single.

I'm not going to have an abortion unless they find something really wrong with the baby, or tell me it will die at delivery. I don't know what makes a woman have to get a C-section, but I saw so many horror stories about mothers and babies dying in them.

I guess my huge fear is a tragedy. We had a cousin that nearly died when she had her baby, I don't know the details, all I know is they said it tore her up, and her doctor said, "I always get nervous when I see these litte girls come in with these big guys", she is very short and he is very tall.

I keep remembering my dad saying about that situation, "they could have had a real tragedy, her and the baby could have died", and now I'm thinking, oh my God is that whatI'm going to do to this family. We had a tragedy in 2008 with my mom dying from pulmonary embolism after a car accident and I don't want to traumatize my dad, sister and niece more than they have been.

Now I will make sure the baby is given up for adoption if I die, since there's really no one appropriate in my family to raise it. My niece is married, but her hubby is 30 years older than her and they have a volatile marriage and she doesn't want children.

I called adoption number for MD, he said we can talk more later depending on how things go. I just want to make sure it is protected if I die.

I am Catholic, I will call my church, and ask for any help they can give.

I have high anxiety, I was on Xanax and Zoloft for 2 years but had to stop it before I could do the IUI. I am an extreme worrier about my health, even my cat's health, and I know I'll be obsessed with the baby's health.

mommymachine,

My thyroid was supposedly normal according to my endocrinologist.

[has2gentlemen]

Just popping in real quick to give you reassurance that it doesn't matter the size of the father- my DH is 6'4 and solid muscle, I'm 5'3 and very small boned and I birthed two BIG boys vaginally. Also both my boys were born while I was on Medicaid. The doctors don't know what insurance you have, only the billing department of the hospital or doctors office knows that information. They will treat you the same as they would someone with over-the-top private insurance. Personally I've always found Medicaid to be really great insurance anyway, they cover a lot more than my private insurance does now and at a lower cost.

Likely what happened with your cousin was an issue with the positioning of the baby, or a physical concern with her, not her size or her SO's size. My midwife always said that your body won't grow a baby it can't deliver.

My biggest concern for you right now is the going off of your meds for the fertility treatment. Please consult an ob asap about safe dosages for those things during pregnancy. Anxiety and stress during pregnancy are a million times worse for a baby than delivery ever will be and because of your history you will be at an increased risk for post partum depression or even pp psychosis.


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[CarolineSinclair]

Thanks for your message. And thank you to everyone for your comments, it means a lot to me because, I have no real friends I can talk to about this, and sometimes I need someone outside of family to talk to about things, they are just too close to the situation sometimes.

I'm going to try to get a midwife if I can. I just want to do everything as safe as possible.

Well I thought it would be okay to be on my meds based on what I read on the 'net, but a nurse at MedStar became really alarmed when I told her I was on those things, and I looked them up and saw that they supposedly are a drug that could potentially give birth defects if you are on it when you conceive. So I was really scared to take them and even postponed the IUI a month to get off of them, well I was off the Zoloft but the Xanax I had to taper off. I wasn't on high doses, but, I was scared to be on even a little. I wondered if that was even what contributed to the palps because I had never had them before in my life, not like that, not off and on every day.

[gizmo77]

Just curious if ur iui was covered by ur insurance or did u pay out of pocket (u mentioned u haven't worked in 2years). Also curious as to whether you thought things thru before deciding to do this based on social pressure? I personally don't think anyone should be forced to have a baby. If ur doing it for urself that's different. But ur already talking about making sure u find someone to adopt this baby if you die. I would hope u can take care of urself 1st independently before electing to have a baby on ur own. I also hope u find some one qualified to talk to during this intense time. Ur health comes 1st. I've also had heart palpitations skipped beats etc. I also thought I wasn't stressed at the time of tests but that's what they concluded. They are on and off for me. But I do believe it is stresses whether it's delayed or anticipated. Good luck.

[CarolineSinclair]

It's hard to explain. Part of me wanted one. The fertility clinic kept telling me I had to do something soon or I'd never have a baby. I wanted to do egg freezing but it's so costly and I just thought this woukd be a cheaper, faster way. I also thought if I got my eggs frozen, tgry might just sit and never get used.

I never felt like any guy would marry me. I tried a couple of dating websites but everything fell through. I felt like there was no time to meet Mr. Right. I was also worried that if I got married the man would be older since I am, and the child would have Autism.

My family is very baby nuts, I would be the only cousin on my father's side who never had one, except one male cousin who is in his 40's but looks very young and could get a young woman any time.

I mean, if I had a man and/or money, I'd want this really bad. It was just that I never had sperm in me before so no chance of being pregnant, but now that there is achance, I'm just thinking of all thst could go wrong. And I think what if I did this just to prove something, and I think, that usn't fair to the child when I can't give it what it needs, such as money and a father. I thought what if you die, who will be the parent? If I had a husband, if I die, he is there for it.

As for the payment, well my sister gives me money for doing housework, cooking, runing errands, because I'm prey much the housewife minus being a wife, and keep her and my dad able to work and keep the house up, because they are so tired they can't do it. I also have rental income from my grandparents house that we rent out.

[atomic sagebrush]

Doctors have big mouths and say just as much dumb stuff as anyone. I can assure you that women who are petite have babies with their tall husbands every day with no issues. The number of women who die in childbirth is happily quite small and you were actually in much more danger driving to the doc's office to have the IUI done. EVERYONE always spouts off "they were lucky they didn't die" when something goes wrong. It's just one of those goofy things that people say.

I really, really think this is outside of normal or rational fear and we need to discuss this with your mental health professional NOW. If you had to come off the medication, that may have contributed to these feelings of anxiety growing beyond the realm of rational. No insurer or medical provider wants anyone or their child to die - firstly because they are not monsters and secondly because they have to pay the bill anyway LOL.

It looks to me (from the outside, not knowing you at all) that your thought patterns are not healthy ones and I think that if you explain it to your care provider that something isn't right they may put you back on the medication. Many people use anxiety medication during pregnancy, it's a risk vs. benefit type of thing and as it sits right now I feel that the risk of your emotional state to your well being is pretty high.

[atomic sagebrush]

It doesn't matter if there is some miniscule higher % of birth defects on the medication, where you are right now is equally unhealthy for both you and a potential pregnancy and I think you need to call someone about what to do next. I think you are having some kind of issue from coming off the medication, which is extremely common (and yes I totally agree that very well may have caused the palpitations). There are tons of ladies on here who continue them during pregnancy, I am not a doctor but you need to get someone's input beyond the nurse at Medstar looking something up in a book.

[atomic sagebrush]

How many days past ovulation are you? I think you need to test and if BFN it's time to go back on the medication and see how you feel then.

Every parent has to face the fact that they could die before their kids. I know people who have died in their 20s, yk?? I just think that your brain is looking for something to worry on and you need to address the chemistry in your brain and not the things it's coming up with, because most of this stuff is no more valid a concern than an ogre under the bridge is (and I'm not making light of your feelings in any way, I'm just saying you're spinning scenarios that are incredibly unlikely that they may as well be imaginary.)

[atomic sagebrush]

Caroline, you don't need to explain your choices to anyone on this site or anywhere else. If you wanted to do and IUI and have done one, that is totally cool. Money, daddy, insurance...that is all her personal business so please everyone let's not start interrogating a person about their life choices - because lots of us have made our own choices to get the family that we dreamed of too.

She needs some help with her anxiety and our support and reassurance and that is what we need to provide. Any more asking about why she did this or that will be deleted.

[CarolineSinclair]

Thanks sagebrush, I appreciate you looking out for me on the board.

Well I had the LH surge on the 14th, did the IUI on the 15th. I took one digital pregnancy test the other day and it was negative, and I did it again today and it was also negative. I went to PP today and they said it was too early to do any testing. They gave me paperwork about adoption too, in case I go that route (which I want to if it's a boy, I just don't feel I can raise a boy under my circumstances, and I am not into sports and boy things). They told me I can use an HPT later on and if I want them to do bloodwork too they will.

My fertility clinic wanted to do the test on the 29th, and charge me $90 at least to do so, and I called them today and cancelled the appointment and told them I was very disappointed in their treatment of me. Because I know that what I really wanted was egg freezing, and they would always send me these emails about financial assistance for it, but whenever I would ask my nurse about it, she would just say "you're not eligible for that" or you can't get that, something like that, and never gave me an explanation why. One might wonder why I didn't ask, well, when you're nervous sometimes you just don't even think, you just take their word for it.

She also didn't even call me back a couple of times during the course of my appointments there. She also put extreme pressure on me to do the IUI right away, saying I would never have a baby if I didn't, and I look at it now and think, well if I was fertile enough not to need medications, why would she be rushing me?

Well I think I do need the medication, my anxiety is off the charts. I can't sleep well, I am not hungry and have to force myself to eat, or wait till I am so on empty that I finally have to put something in. I'm depressed.

That MedStar nurse told me I had to wean off the Xanax, even though I was on a super low dose, she said, "I mean, what is a couple of months compared to a lifetime?", she made me feel like I was the worst person to even consider becoming pregnant on the medication, which surprised me because I read many women have to be on them during pregnancy and have fine babies. MY GP had said it was okay for me to be on them, but he's an older man so I wasn't sure he was correct.

I also have a question about late ovulation cycle and how that may affect gender. I had my period start on June 28. It had been a 28 day cycle, though lately my periods have varied, in May I had a 30 day cycle, other months it has been 26.

Well the last time I had ovulated, I did it around day 14, so I didn't start testing until then. I thought I'd missed my surge but then on the 17th day it looked like I had the surge, so I went in the next day.

I have had cramping every single day since they did the IUI, and I can't say it's mild, it's actually rather painful at times. It's even gone down into my leg. I'm wondering if the Dr. did something wrong, because I did hear him say to the nurse, "something's not right here". I don't know what that meant.

Now if I was to have a 26 day cycle, my period would be due tomorrow, if it's a 28 day cycle, the 25th.

I saw on here that if you have a late ovulation, that means you have more testosterone, does that mean it will automatically be a boy? The donor also I noted, has no sisters, only a brother, I wonder if that means he will only father boys like his father did.

He didn't have the most rapid swimming sperm, it was in the middle, don't know what that means for gender either.

I just feel like I would be a horrible mother to a boy so I wish I had continued with the sway plan more thoroughly.

If only I hadn't gotten the palpitations again after I had done the IUI, I would be in a better mood, I think. That just set off a chain of thoughts and worries that I just can't shake, not only about if I die, but about if I've done a bad thing trying to bring a child into such a strange family life. I feel so ashamed and guilty.